Letters From A School Slut

Letter Three: Letter To Sanya

Sanya,

Do you want to ask me why is this letter addressed to you? Not that you won't know the answer soon enough, but I'm sure you'd still want to know this first. Or no, knowing the way that you are, your first concern would probably be why have I not started this with the proper salutation. I ought to, I know. My English teacher taught me better than to start a letter without the proper salutation. But I have no idea which one will be the proper one to use here. We use ‘respected’ when in a formal letter to someone of significance and respect. We use ‘dear’ for friends. You, on the other hand, are neither. At one point, I might have called you a friend but that was long ago. And possibly the biggest mistake I ever made.

Do you remember the first day of high school? I sat alone in the morning bus. You, with your two long braids, and your know-it-all attitude came and sat on the empty seat beside me. I didn’t mind. For some time, we sat in absolute silence. Or well, at least you sat in silence while the inner me screamed. My blood pumped heavily. I could feel it in my head, my fingers, my legs, my neck. I needed something to calm myself down.

Water. That ought to have done it. And so, I shuffled around in my bag, searching for the water bottle my mother had reminded me to keep. But had I kept it? Or had I forgotten it back at home? Because there wasn’t any sign of it anywhere near.

“Crap, the day has already had a bad start,” I mumbled. I remember because the day has been etched in my memory like the order of the planets of the solar system. Too hard to forget.

“Is there something wrong?” you asked. I shook my head, zipped my bag up and after folding my hands across my chest, began to gaze outside the window, taking deep breaths along the way.

Perhaps, I appeared a little rude. I didn’t want to be nicknamed as ‘the rude new comer’ and so I decided to talk to you.

I told you my name was Ridhika. You introduced yourself as Sanya.

“Sorry for earlier. I was just worried I forgot something,” I told you.

“First day? Everyone goes through that paranoia.” You laughed. Soon, I joined in. Your voice was soft, almost like bells ringing in a temple. And that is always a pleasant sound to hear. You extended your hand for me to shake. With reluctance, I accepted it and shook it back.

When you asked me about my grade, I told you I was a ninth grader. That excited you, since up until the year before, you were the only girl who shared your neighbourhood as well as your grade. Now you had me for company. When I told you I was assigned section “A” for my classes, your excitement deepened. You exclaimed in delight and raised your hand to give me a high-five. With reluctance, I clapped your hand.

You told me you were an old student, and that I could come up to you if I needed help with something. I told you I would. No matter what my social awkwardness, I intended to befriend you. I admit, I had my own selfish reasons for that. You seemed like a sweet person and I thought why not? It would be all the more better to have someone who knew the ins and outs of the place.

With that, we began to talk. You told me about yourself, and how you loved this school. Then you went into detail about the ongoings of the school, and who were the girls in our class I needed to steer away from due to so and so reasons. That was when my heart sank. I agreed it was okay to stay away from the ones who played Chinese Whisper all the time—hearing one thing and passing it on after spicing it up a little. However, it didn’t seem fit to me to stay away from girls only because they had a boyfriend, or were interested in some boy. Nor did I like the way you said their names every time you told me about them. With thick raised eyebrows and pouted lips, it appeared to me as if you were trying to come off as an innocent, claiming them to be people of bad influence. I did not understand why having a boyfriend would make a girl a bad influence. Surely, the boys didn’t think that way. Of course though, one year later you were in a relationship yourself. I bet it didn’t occur to you then, did it? The way you had shown disgust at the other girls when you told me about them on my first day of school?

But during that hour, you told me a lot more than the girls I needed to be away from. You told me about the boys I would encounter.

Now here’s the thing about boys: I have always hated them. It’s not like I am homosexual, although I’m not against homosexuality either, but I just never liked boys as a whole. Perhaps it was because I studied from a convent school and had no interaction with any boys for the major part of my year. I found them stupid creatures. And scary, too. They led you to believe one thing and proved to you an entirely different one. They were the most unhygienic beings of all time. They would do weird, unimaginable things to themselves, their friends or sometimes even strangers, all around the clock. Pure incarnations of Satan himself. I had seen enough of my brothers and the guys on news to know that all of this wasn’t merely an exaggeration, but the real truth, too. I had seen enough and I had known enough, and I had no intention of finding out anything more about them. I had assumed the girls to be better, but after hearing you talk for almost an hour, I wondered if maybe they were no different, after all.

But of course, you had no idea this was what I was thinking. You believed your idea of gossip interested me. Maybe it was my fault. I never told you how uncomfortable you made me. Not that that would have helped, considering how I intended to befriend you back then, and how easily offended you usually get. Now that I go back and think, though, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. You would still have done what you did. And I would still be stuck in the mess that you made long, after you were gone.

When the bus reached the school and you finally shut up to let me have my own peace, your words still rang in my ears. Instead of being calm about the fact that I had maybe found a friend in you, my mind ran at a frantic pace trying to find the easiest route to escape this hell-hole and reach back my safe haven - my home. There was only one exit that I could see. Perhaps, it would be easy to cross too, but then I re-evaluated my situation and dropped the idea.

Guards roamed around at the exit. I was in a school uniform. Even if I escaped, how would I reach back home? Riviera High stood in what was literally the middle of jungle. There was no way in heaven’s name I could reach back easily.

Thus, resorting to my last option, I took a few deep breaths to subside my panic. You were talking to another girl on your way out, and barely seemed to notice that I wasn’t following. Sometime ago, you probably introduced me to her, but my mind was too preoccupied to remember.

I saw you leave the bus, still talking to that other girl. Due to the crowd filled inside, it took me some time to get a free space and leave. I was the last one out. Once out, I glanced at my new school for the first time. Or at least, for the first time as a student here. Dooming thought that this would be my school for the next four years tormented my mind. Boys and girls filled what I could only hope to be the assembly ground. Seeing them walk to their classes hand in hand made me wonder whether I had made the right choice after all or not.

I walked by you as you led me to my classroom. You talked all the way, but I did not bother to listen to a single word. I was still thinking about whatever you had told me in the bus - about girls and their mentalities.

Apparently, girls in this place had a whole new idea about dating and boyfriend and boys—an idea that disturbed me deeply. According to them, having a boyfriend completed you, it increased your social status and made you look more appealing to the crowd. You didn’t have to hide yourself from the other boys if you had a boyfriend. You were superior to the other girls, then. You were more likeable, and more important. You didn’t have to worry about anything at all. You were only truly happy, if you had a boy by your side.

Now even though you thought this idea was trashy, I had understood when you began describing me the popularity situation that you didn’t. You just said that because no boy ever approached you. The only reason why you were disgusted by girls with boyfriends was because you didn’t have one of your own. I didn’t blame you though. Just the way I don’t blame the boys either. You barely maintained yourself! Why would a boy ever approach a girl who he did not find pretty? Boys were thickheads that way.

However, now that we’re on the topic, let me tell you something about myself Sanya. Something I wish you, as well as the other girls understood.

Since a kid, I had been taught that boys weren’t necessary in order to lead my life. They were important, yes, since I would one day have to wed one or else the Indian society would reject me and treat me as an outcast, but they were never necessary. Because no one needs anyone else to complete their happiness. You just need yourself for that. With these thoughts ingrained in my mind since a very long time, I had a little trouble understanding the idea that you told me of. What you all (you can argue all you want, but I know secretly you want that, too. I could see it in your eyes when you talked) wanted in life was so different than what I had been taught to want. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I even found this whole concept stupid. However, it was me against hundreds; I couldn’t even say anything out loud.

Once we got inside the classroom, you introduced me to a few of your friends. I talked to two to three of them. I couldn’t help but notice how nice they seemed. These girls were good - why on earth was I being paranoid?

Before the bell for the first lesson rang, I found myself listening to you ramble on and on about your perfect vacation - all of which I found hard believing. I knew the area you talked about. It didn’t seem plausible that you’d be having fun with a guy on horseback in that place, anymore than me having fun in the bus ride to school less than an hour ago. Or, had you started to talk about some other place while I blanked out?

Let me explain to you why was I so cautious of you in the beginning, if you even bothered to notice it back then. This was something I had learnt after my days in boarding. When you spend twenty four hours of your day surrounded by the most clever beings on the planet, you learn a thing or two that you wouldn’t normally learn after being a day scholar. For example, the Miss-Goody-Shoes pretense only works if you have to spend six hours a day with the other person. Once you learn you have to live a whole day, and then a week, and then a month with the other girls, you realize that you have to show your true self at one point or another. Thus, I had to be extra-cautious here. Even though I wasn’t used to living under a fake image, I knew most of the girls here weren’t. You included, Sanya. Besides, who knew what each of these beauties held behind their honey flavoured faces and sugar coated words? I had to make sure that I don’t attract the wrong kind of people to myself or else my whole fairytale might never even begin.

Yet, when I think of what transpired during those first few months, I guess I let my guard down too early. Perhaps, one of my biggest mistakes. I guess I made too many mistakes during those times.

After the introductions were done, you helped me find a seat partner for the day. A smile appeared on my face as I kept my bag beside her. Not because I was happy to be beside her. I mean, she was okay, but mainly because, I needed to get away from your extra-sugary self in order to understand if you were for real or not. I needed to be sure that whatever I was doing by befriending you, I wasn’t making a mistake.

However, more than that, I needed to sit down on a seat to get used to my new surroundings and the kind of people that came along with it.

A few deep breaths later, I glanced around the room to evaluate the situation. There were boys everywhere around - more than half the classroom was filled with them. Merely their number scared the hell out of me.

“What happened?” You asked from behind me, startling me with your voice. “Not happy with your partner?”

I turned to look at my partner who was busy snoring. It was the first day of school, the first class had not even begun yet and she was already busy sleeping. Saliva dripped from her lips and onto the desk. That seemed to me a little...gross. However, it didn’t matter that much; I had seen girls in all sort of forms in my previous school. This was really nothing.

“It isn’t that,” I told you truthfully. “It’s been ages since I was last in a place with so many boys. Their sheer number scares me a little.” You smiled, and so did your seat partner, Priya. But before any of you could respond in any other form, our class teacher arrived, breaking off our conversation.

Perhaps, this is enough reminder for you for now. About that day. And about how uncomfortable you made me. But don’t worry, this is not the end. There is more for you to know and remember. I wouldn’t let you off the hook this easily now, not after what you did…

Laughingly,

(if that’s even a word)

Ridhika.