Letter Two: Second Letter To Maa
955 Words
Maa,
Do you remember the hesitation on my face when I filled in the application of Riviera High? You had commented on it, but I had dismissed your words with a wave of my hand. How else was I supposed to react to it when whatever you had said was true? That I was feeling far too uncomfortable to be sitting at the reception and submitting this form. The school admitted boys. Why wouldn’t I be? I had wanted to quit and go someplace else straightaway. I’m certain had it not been for my steel resolve to save money, I would have suggested I join back the convent school I had left.
I should have voiced out my anxiousness to you. I should have told you what worried me, but I stayed shut. Perhaps, because I knew what your answer would be. You’d probably have said, “Riviera High is the best school in the area. If you wanted a local school, then this has to be it.” And that is why I was quiet.
That day onward until first day in school arrived, I was deep engrossed in anxiety. To study in a co-ed school was difficult for me. And I didn’t know anyone around. Or maybe I did? I couldn’t say for certain. I knew Kush and Jai from the neighbourhood attended the same school, but I hadn’t talked to them since kindergarten. There was Piyush from back when I still studied here, but we hadn’t talked since ages. I wasn’t certain if he even remembered me. And then there was Raj. Surely, knowing Raj would have helped me, I had wondered. If only I could have told my fourteen year old mind back then how knowing Raj would be one of the worst things that could have happened to me.
Although knowing four people would supposedly have eased out most of my anxiety, it didn’t help matters that I was frank with any of them. Nor did the fact that I was enrolled in a grade that had hundreds of students within it anyway. Which was why, I always envisioned myself to be alone upon my arrival. The fear of not fitting in constantly gripped my insides, and I often found myself sweating - even in a room filled with air-conditioned air. Many-a-times you pointed that out to me, and asked me if we should go see a doctor. I told you to ignore it, that my body is still not used to this sudden change in temperature, and that I would be fine soon enough. You had to accept it. After all, you couldn’t take me to the doctor against my wishes.
During those days, nothing helped matters, even watching or rather pretending to watch the television, like I already told you. I was a novel fanatic, but no novel pleased me at that time. It didn’t help matters that I was unaware of the behaviour of boys in their adolescence. The only ones that I had met lived in some novel or movie, and almost all of them were jerks. I had no idea how they were in real life. To go and study in such a place was a challenge. I had to leave all of my comfort zones and join a co-ed school. My stomach rumbled with anticipation, my mind tumbled with unlikely expectations.
Then again, there wasn’t an inkling in my mind about the kind of girls who resided in the area, either. Most of the girls that I had encountered in my boarding school, which were thousands of them, were lovely people to get along with. Hence, I tried to be cheerful about this. At least. But if the girls in the area were anything like my cousin sisters, things could be a lot tough for me. You know what I’m talking about. Almost all of them were overly pampered, and the three of us - you, me and Di would many times gossip about how neither of us could handle such behavior. I don’t have to explain anything to you, at least. No wonder then, that a dark feeling nagged at the bottom of my heart, constantly reminding me that in this new place, I may not be liked by less than half the population.
I lived in a constant frenzy, wondering if everything will be as beautiful as the stories I had heard. I had hopes, I had dreams, I had wishes. Not to forget my anxiety, stress and swear. Yes, I pumped with excitement or at least that was what I tried to make myself believe.
I was excited and nothing could bring me down…
Thus, less than a month after my joining, when all of my hopes, dreams and wishes came crumbling down, I was so heartbroken that I couldn’t even form a happy bubble for myself to live in.
Yet, I never told you of anything. I never had the strength to. I knew you would never be able to listen to me.
When slowly the day of my doom arrived, patience hung around me as I waited for the school bus to pick me up. With each second seeming like a year, I waited until it finally arrived and I hopped inside. One kind face smiled at me. It was Piyush. He was the only one who did. I reciprocated that smile and sat on an empty seat. Little did I know that that first bus ride would later end up changing my whole life.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
- Writer
