Letters From A School Slut

Letter One: First Letter To Maa

Dear Maa,

When I hand this to you, you must be thinking what all of this is about, whether I had gone insane by writing a letter to you at this point in my life, that too, in such a way. I can ensure you, I’m not insane. Instead, it is only now that I’ve got back my sanity and realized this is the right thing to do. That this is what I need. Perhaps, this is the only thing that I need in order to get my closure from the past.

And I figured that if I’m ever to tell anyone of what happened with me, I must begin with you.

It all dates back to seven years ago, the reason why I intend to write this letter for you. Seven years ago, I made a decision, and it was bad. It wasn’t an easy one to make. No, took me days, nay months to get my idea slightly inclined toward the idea, and yet, it was still not in the direction of excitement for the switch. But I knew, in order to keep us alive, this is what I had to do, because you see, I had come up on a grave truth about our family, and it had occurred to me that it was my turn to help us out.

Last year when we visited masi and you made me sleep in the same room as you two, I heard you two talk. It was way past hours, and the day had been a busy one, filled with greetings. Perhaps, late at night was the only time you two sisters had found for each other. I didn’t mean to intrude, especially when I was asked to sleep. You wanted time for each other. I didn’t wanted to disturb. Which was why, like an obedient child, I decided to do as you asked. There was only one problem. One slight problem behind it all. I couldn’t get myself to sleep.

Call it the insomnia I had recently gained, or call it the habit of staying in a boarding school where everyone gossiped way after hours. Whatever it was, it kept me awake. Once again I tell you, I didn’t want to listen. But it just so happened that I had to, because I couldn’t shut off my ears, could I?

You were discussing personal affairs, things that were happening in family. Because I was away for eight months a year, and the fourth month that I returned was in pieces, I had not much clue about the internal affairs taking place. Realizing I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I took that as a chance to know more about the family. Perhaps, I might learn something you had forgotten to inform me earlier?

You told masi how dadi was mistreating you. I felt sorry for you.

You told masi how the aunty from next door was using the top of our godown to throw their garbage. I felt angered at her.

Masi told you how her mother-in-law pressured her with work a lot, merely because her husband didn’t have the guts to speak against his mother. I hated both of them in that moment.

You told masi of how Papa and Chacha still hadn’t patched up. Still? I wondered what that meant. I wasn’t aware of them ever arguing. In fact, I wasn’t aware of them ever talking either. And that’s when it dawned on me. My father and his younger brother had barely talked to each other since months in my presence. How had I been too naive to not notice that? I intended to listen a little more.

You told masi about the monetary issues we faced. Did we? I didn’t know. You told her how all the elders cribbed about not having enough money to pay the bills, but yet didn’t bother to keep their activities in check. You took the example of the electricity bill. Dadaji scolded everyone every time the bill was high (which was literally every time), yet didn’t bother to switch off the fan when he left the room. You told her about how there had once been a time when Papa didn’t have the money to pay our school fees. About how despite the difficulties the family faced, no one wanted to include the kids and bring them face to face with the reality. Because kids are like that, aren’t they? You tell them someone wronged the person they love dearly and they would end up hating that someone for eternity. I know I was like that - I still am.

Hence, you kept this information away from me. But that night, I heard it nonetheless. You had no idea I was hearing any of this. My face was turned toward the wall while you two talked. Silent tears slipped from my eyes and fell on the pillow as I listened to you tell masi of the other ordeals our family faced. Masi offered some suggestions. You mentally noted them. Soon, you two fell sleep. I stayed awake. No matter how much I tried, sleep seemed to have eluded me for the night. Then, more than ever. My thoughts then took on a fast run, replying everything I had heard.

Money. Was that why Papa and Chacha were in a silent fight? How long had it been? Did it happen when Chacha left Papa’s business and started one of his own? Was this fight the reason why he did that? I had answer to none of these questions. I knew I couldn’t find them any how, but I intended to pay more attention to my family henceforth.

Silently crying over everything I had heard, I didn’t realize it when I fell asleep myself. But it was a rough night. More than once, I woke up and wondered what was to be of us. How much monetary issues did we have at that time? Were we still in debt? I figured we would be, since I still heard dadaji crib about the cable bill and the electricity bill at times. Then there were the hospital charges we had to pay for Di. The medicine bills, the weekly trips to Delhi in order to get her checked. Things were hard, I was certain. I had just never wondered how hard.

It was in that night itself that I swore to stop using extra money. No more outdoor food just for the heck of it. I would ask that of my brother too, although there was a fair chance he wouldn’t listen. He rarely ever listened to me. Di, on the other hand, wasn’t a problem. She wasn’t allowed to eat outdoor food anyway.

Time passed after that, and it was time for me to return back to school. We packed all my bags and together with Papa and Di, you dropped me off at the hostel. Once all my bearings were in place, I walked you toward the gate. We talked for some time, about this and that, and that was when it struck me—how expensive my education was! How had I never realized that sooner?

I wasn’t a foodie so what I ate all through the day made up a maximum of two meals for an average person. Most of what I ate in campus went to waste, too since I barely ate any of that. And because the vegetables were so tasteless that I chose to steer clear of them. Of course, you still had to pay for my meals as if I took two sharings each time, which I never did—never except the breakfast. Then there was the issue of transport. It was a boarding school and I a mere eighth-grader. We couldn’t come and go as we pleased, which was why, every time the vacations began, we were given the permission to leave only when someone from the family had arrived. They couldn’t just leave us in anyone’s care! People from rich and successful families shared classes with me. They had the chances of getting kidnapped. In fact, two girls had almost been kidnapped. Had it not been for their school uniform, both of them would have been lost in the sea of faces that covered our city.

Of course then, it was expensive for you to make a trip to Nainital every month just to take me home for four days and then drop me back four days later. There was also the whole issue of my school fees and hostel fees. It was obvious that if I shared school with rich people, the school had a huge fees in itself. How did our family afford that? I knew you and Papa wanted the best for me, but if we were in debt, then how did you afford to send me to such an expensive place for school?

That night, when I heard you talk to masi, I knew we still hadn’t reached the phase where we could use money without thinking. Perhaps, we would never reach that stage. But it made me wonder if I was eating up too much of our money just for myself.

I decided it then and there that I would talk you into taking me out of this school.

Once the school year ended and I returned home for my three month vacation, I tried to convince you in removing my name from the expensive school (that I loved) and admit me in a local public school. The thought of it disgusted me, but I figured I would do just fine. After all, there were millions who educated from a private school, didn’t they? It took me some days to convince you, but in the end, I did it. You weren’t happy with this decision. I tried to show I was, but inside I was trembling. Every time I thought about what would happen when I joined some local school, a ball of anxiety curled up within me.

After all, my earlier school was a convent. We had sisters and nuns and NO BOYS! On the other hand, all the local schools were co-educational. How would I survive in the same classroom as boys?

But I kept my hopes up. You know I did. You know I spent hours listening to stories of high school from my elder brothers and sisters, and fantasizing about my perfect high school story. Their constant words about incidents that happened with them helped me picture this perfect place where no harm could ever come to me. High school was to be like a cocoon, four years later, out of which I was to burst out like a butterfly. It was the real fairytale, the enchanted fantasy I could have once I turned fourteen.

All of these elder brothers and sisters had studied in Riviera High. It was the best the area had to offer. Why then, wouldn’t I go there if I was to study in a local school? So when they told me stories, I listened with rapt admiration. Their lives were perfect, and I wanted that. It made me wonder if they were as happy and carefree as they were in high school, then wouldn’t I be the same?

No. Because they never studied in a convent school, I did. I knew what real standards were, they didn’t. Besides, they had been in the same school since the past many years. They had known everyone around. I, on the other hand, was new. I didn’t even know my neighbours properly! There would be so many troubles I would have to face, starting from it being a new place, new surroundings and new atmosphere. Add to that the burden of making friends too, and the earlier ball of anxiety that went away every time I heard them reminisce about their school days, returned.

Months before I had crossed off that one particular date on the calendar that would signify my first day at Riviera High, I would sit in front of the living room television and pretend to watch random shows and movies while you worked in the kitchen. At times, you discussed the plots of certain movies I had missed when I was away and helped me understand what happened before the scene I was watching. I listened to you patiently while you worked.

However, if I need to be true to you today, I must tell you, I rarely ever listened. I don’t even remember the names of the movies that were released during that time. How could I, when my mind was brimming with thoughts of innumerable kind? I would sit in front of the television, gaze at the screen as if deep into the movie, but fantasize about my perfect high school. Each time it was a different one, but every one of them were similar. All of them revolved around me being the sweetest Miss-Popular, having two to three amazing friends who would stick by me through thick or thin, being respected by everyone I knew and didn’t know for being a good person and ending with me finally meeting the Prince Charming of the story - who was more often than not, a member of the basketball team, if not the Captain.

Yet, this was never how it turned out to be. Four years, and neither one of them ever came even close to describing what any of those years were like. By the time those four years were supposed to end, I had expected myself to be living on Cloud Nine and in the life of my dreams. Yet, in reality, I could barely move past Cloud One. There was no happy ending, or even a happy beginning. The only thing that kept me going through all of that time was that every fairy tale has a tragic beginning, maybe this was just mine.

Not that you knew any of this. You were barely aware of what transpired during those four years. And I don’t blame you, for it was I who wanted to keep the secrets. But now I know, you need to know those things more than anyone. If only I had confided in you back then, things would have been much easier, but I never did. I could never get myself to. You will soon learn why.

Sincerely,

Your daughter