Upon the Wings of a Phoenix

        "Bump!" My aunt Clara announced, as the car rushed over a pothole in the middle of the road. I was lurched awake instantly in a slight panic as I sat in the passenger seat.          "Sorry, I didn't see that darn hole there 'till it was too late," my aunt apologized with a light laugh, "but good morning anyway. We are almost there. According to the GPS, we have five more minutes 'till the lake."          "Oh, okay, cool," I groaned as I stretched  my body out after being asleep in such an uncomfortable position.          My family had this trip planned for six months now.  I was supposed to drive myself, but I lost my clunker of a car a couple months back. On the way to work it just gave out, which was normal, but ill-timed. Unfortunately, I didn't have any reliable friends or family to help, so when I was forced to call into work again they'd had enough. I was fired that day. No job meant no income to fix that money guzzler, so in one day I lost both. Since then, I had managed to find some temporary work to pay for rent, but all my food and medical expenses were provided through government assistance. I guess I could have it worse though, but it was surely demeaning on my pride. All that mattered was I still managed to maintain a roof over my head, no matter how cheap and bug infested it was.          Originally, I wasn't even going to go on this trip. I wanted to work towards keeping a job, but the thing about temp work is it's easy to find, but if a company doesn't want to keep you they don't have to. No matter how hard I work I always exhaust my use eventually. So, I figured maybe some free vacation time is just what I needed, seeing as how once again I wasn't working. Plus, Memaw and Papa were going to be there and I knew that they would be willing to give an extra hand to help out my financial situation.          "You excited?" Aunt Clara probed, trying to start a conversation.          "A little... I guess," I answered, "You think you'll miss your kids?"          "Of course, but I'm sure it'll be fun either way."          Aunt Clara smiled, but I could see right through it. About a year ago, Clara and her husband divorced. I think he was cheating, but I wasn't sure. In their separation, they agreed to joint-custody of my two cousins, Arnold and Lucy. At first, Clara's ex-husband Andy, said it was perfectly fine if she had the kids with her this weekend, even though it was his visitation time. As drama usually does though, it came knocking and Andy had changed his mind at the last minute. It broke Aunt Clara's heart, but she had to oblige. Life just sucks all around for everybody I guess.          "Hey, think about it this way," I said, "You can totally drink without worrying if you get drunk or not."          "You would think like that," she laughed, "but I suppose there isn't anything wrong if I have more than a couple glasses of wine seeing as how I don't have to watch the kids."          I gave her a reassuring smile but fell quiet. I honestly didn't know what to say. I knew nothing on relationships, kids, or divorce. Her pain was alien to me and I didn't want to say something inappropriate and ruin this vacation before it even started.          I let my gaze wander out the side window of the car just in time to see the familiar dirt road approaching. The same dirt road we took every year to get to our lakeside campsite.          "Aunt Clara, you're about to pass the turn-in."          "Oh, shoot!"          She hit the brakes, as I was forced to brace myself to avoid my face slamming into the dashboard.          "Sorry, I was lost in thought," she apologized as she proceeded to make the turn, making sure to go extra slow.          "It's okay," I replied kind of shaken up.          I guess me even bringing up her kids had affected her more than I thought it would.     --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------           We arrived in record time, pulling into the dirt patch we used as a parking lot. Most of my family was already here and in the process of unpacking their vehicles. There were only a couple of tents up from what I could see at this distance. Our campsite was a trek from where we could park, but that was something everyone was used to at this point.          Aunt Clara and I decided to haul everything first before we started to pitch the tent we would be sharing. As we were grabbing bags and the like, packing up like mules, I heard a familiar sing-song voice.          "Allison! I'm so happy you made it!"          A mixed feeling of joy and anxiousness overcame me, but I turned and replied, "Hey, mom."          She trotted over to me and threw her arms around me.          "I really wasn't expecting you. I figured you'd be working." She said.          I hugged her back as much as I could, considering I had a trunk of clothes and three bags of food already in my hands. "Yeah, they actually dismissed me last Friday, so I figured I would come after all."          "Oh no, what did you do?"          I responded, "nothing," with a tone of slight agitation.          "Well they had to have a reason, sweetie."          "Not really. It's what a temporary job means. You do your job and then you're done." I let go of the embrace as I sighed, trying not to let her upset me this early.          My mom and I would often go back and forth like this. For as long as I could remember, our relationship was, well, iffy. We loved each other but we just did not get along. Every time I would try to explain something to her she had her own opinion and belief about it and she always had to be right. Always. Unlike everyone else in my family I pushed back against her better-than-everyone attitude. Which would cause more fights than anything else, but as she would always say 'I get my pride from my dad'. Not that I would know personally. She had chased him away before I had even turned six. She insists he was just 'no good for her', but after living with her for seventeen years, I could see why he wanted to run away. Hell, even I wanted to. I even tried. I was forced back every time except for the very last attempt. Finally, she gave in and let Aunt Clara take care of me for the next two years until I managed to get a place of my own.          "Well, I'm sure you did something and just weren't paying attention. You have a habit of that Allison." My mom spoke with that righteous kind of tone.          It was that attitude of 'I'm right, you're wrong, don't argue'. That would just get under my skin and irritate me. I never really had a great reputation for holding back my anger, neither did she, but when she would pop off her attitude, I would lose it.          "No... I did everything right but, as I said, when all of the work is finished they let the temps go and hire more when they need some."          I grabbed a couple more bags, trying to disengage from the conversation before I lost my temper.          "Oh honey, I'm not going to fight you on this. I know what I'm talking about, but as always you know best," she sighed, "Just help your Aunt get everything set up. You know she needs the extra help with Arnold not being here."          I gritted my teeth, wanting to say 'What do you think I'm doing?!' But I instead chose to walk away with everything I had already grabbed. I could tell that this was going to be a drama fest. As I came up beside Clara, I dropped the stuff gently down on the grassy ground.          "How much is left?" She asked,          "About one or two more trips. We didn't bring too much."          "Okay, excellent! Let's get this done."          My aunt went off to keep unloading the car with me close behind. We managed to get all the bags together in a single joint trip. This part was easy compared to the next. Getting the tent set up and tied down proved to be more of a challenge. I was used to my rinky-dink simple tent. The one she had brought was some kind of advanced version designed to fit eight people. I almost wondered if when we unrolled it there would be an inflatable kitchen installed. After much struggling with the damn thing my uncle and cousin had to help us. By the time the ordeal was done there were a couple of fellow campers moving about offering each of us something to munch on while we worked.          I felt pathetic in a way sticking around my aunt the whole time but I never really had a close bond with my family. It's not that I was in any way the 'black sheep' but as I grew up I ended up shutting everyone out until it was too late. Now that I was ready to have people in my life, and not be a loner, the damage was done and no one really seemed to care about what happened to me.          Well, other than one person. Michael, my closest cousin. He was my uncle Joe's eldest son. He and I had always been close. He lived a few doors down when I was young and he was the one who introduced me to most of my hobbies today, including video games. When he moved, we had texted on the phone for many years after that. He was always there when I needed a friend. When he moved to Colorado three years ago, our constant contact became less frequent. Now we call on occasions, but on family gatherings like this we were inseparable. Our annual holiday is the one moment each year Michael and I really get to spend time together like we did when we were kids. It is honestly the only thing I really look forward to on these camping trips.          I briefly informed Clara of my intention to find Michael once we had prepared our beds inside the near circus-sized tent she had provided. She waved me off, wishing me luck as I went into the crowd of my family. This was a rather large event for all of us. I hardly knew anyone outside my little circle from Texas. There had to be at least twenty different households here but I only knew of my mom, my grandparents, my aunt Clara, my sister Sara, and my uncle and his kids. That was the extent of my family I had ever truly met. I knew a few lived here in Arkansas but I couldn't point them out.          "Michael!" I shouted as I spotted him hammering in his stakes to get his tent held down.          "Hey Allie!" He exclaimed with excitement as he stood up, "I thought you couldn't make it."          We exchanged hugs as I said, "I found the time. What’s going on? I haven't heard from you in so long."          "Things are going good. I saw Clara walking around with all that stuff. Where's her kids? Weren't they supposed to be here?"          "They are with their dad this weekend. He apparently wanted them to stay after all."          "Aw, poor Clara. That must be hard on her. Well, hey, I'm glad you were able to make it after all. There's quite a few things we need to catch up on." He smiled.          "Michael, did you already grab my purse?" I heard a woman shout from the parking lot. Man, did she have some volume.          "No!" He called back, "Check under your seat!" He then looked back at me, "Sorry," he said, "I was wanting to introduce you two properly, but that is Stella. She's my fiancé."          "Are you kidding?" I was astounded. "Oh wow, congratulations. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"          "I figured I could introduce her to everyone all together, I guess."          "Well, that's awesome."          I smiled but I couldn't help but feel a little disheartened that we had drifted so far apart that I wasn't important enough to tell he had proposed to someone. I wasn't even aware he was in a relationship at all. If I had been the one to be engaged, or hell, if I was even asked on a date he would be the first person I would tell. I guess this is what it means to grow up.          "Do you need help setting up?" I asked, hoping to find a reason to stick around.          "Sure, yeah. If you could finish hammering these down while I get the cots set up that would be great."          "Of course!"          At least he wasn't pushing me away. That was a good sign.       --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------             It was finally time for the best part of camping. We had all gathered around the fire pit and were preparing skewers with marshmallows for smores. The entire first day was spent getting everyone’s nightly arrangements set up and catching up with relatives. As little as I know about the individuals that sit in the circle beside me, it was still nice to see so many people in one place laughing and having a good time. The kids fifteen and under were sitting on the dirt ground closest to the fire, while the rest of us had lawn chairs and the sort just behind them.               As always, I set up my chair next to Michael but, unlike the other camping trips we had spent together, he had another person to talk to besides just me. Which normally I wouldn't mind. It's not like I couldn't share my best friend. The problem was that she loved to talk. I often tried to get a word in, but each time she would interrupt to talk about herself. After a while I simply gave up and just focused on the smores I was making. Just as I had finished putting together my second smore of the night, my mom came up behind me, unexpectedly.          "Allison, dear, you've hardly said anything to anyone since you got here."          "Sure I have, mom. I've talked with Clara, Michael, and I even stopped to say hello to Sara and her kids."          "I see, so it's just me you have been avoiding today."          I just want to eat this smore. Why does she insist on always being confrontational?          "Sorry, you seemed busy. Besides we have all weekend to talk."          "We could always talk now." She said.          "Sure, I suppose now is fine. So how have you been?"          "Mostly the same. I just sold the house; it was a little too big for me. Your sister found me a fancy, little apartment around where she lives. I'll be able to see my grandchildren practically every day if I want to. With a reduction in my monthly rent I think I'm going to finally get that new car I've always wanted."          "Oh wow, you're selling that nice truck you have?"          "No, I was considering letting Michael have it. He's getting married soon. I think it would be a great wedding gift."          "Really? But he just bought a fairly new car a few months ago."          "Well, I figured when he came to visit he could use it to get around and I would just keep it in Sara's garage until he needs it."          "You know he rarely visits, so it would just be sitting there for months at a time."          "I appreciate the offer Ms. Green, but you don't have to do that for us." Michael added in.          "Oh nonsense, Michael. I would love to keep a hold of it for you. Maybe knowing you don't have to pay for a rental while you're over in Texas will encourage you to come visit more often." She gave him a warm smile. A kind of smile I have never actually seen directed at me. Only to everyone else that has their life together.          "Hey," I interjected, "I have an idea. When Michael isn't in town maybe I could use that truck. It would really help with...."          "Hmm, Sorry sweetie but I don't think that's such a good idea."          "You didn't even let me finish."          "I know what you are going to say," she argued, "but I really don't want it to be wrecked or damaged. It's a gift to Michael."          "Why do you think I'll wreck it? I've never been in an accident. Besides, no offense to Michael, but I actually have a need for it."          "What about the last car you had? You wrecked that one. That's what got you into this mess."          I gave an irritated sigh, "That broke down. I told you that."          I could feel my rage swelling up. In my head, I reminded myself not to lose my temper, but that was becoming difficult to avoid. I knew her and I were going to fight at some point, but I wasn't wanting it to be this early on this trip.          "That's what you said, yes." Her voice full of sarcasm. Every inch of her face made it very clear she did not believe me. "I'm sorry, but you got yourself into this mess you will have to get yourself out. You can't rely on your family to save you every time you make a mistake."          "You know what!" I snapped, standing to my feet, throwing the now-cold smore to the ground.          "Since when have you been there when I needed help! Even when I had to live with you, you were there to snatch so many opportunities from me to do something I wanted with my life. Not once did you ever push me in the right direction. You only sat back and criticized when I f****d up, without giving me a single chance to know what the hell I was doing."          All the conversations started to die down, as eyes were now on me. It was normal for these events to have drama. It was also normal for my mother and I to be smack dab in the middle of it.          "How dare you, young lady! I've done nothing to deserve the way you treat me! What so called 'opportunities' did I supposedly take away from you?"          "Oh, I don't know, maybe that first job I was offered at your work from your very gracious boss. It was laid out right in front of me. It was a good job too. I could have done so much with that but no, you didn't like that idea. So what did I have to do? Fall in line and work in fast food, which I didn't get until one year later!"          "I already explained to you that us working together would have resulted in both of us being fired. Any mistake you made would have reflected on me as your mother. Besides, everyone has to earn their work! Not be given handouts. That's just unrealistic. That's not how the real world works Allison! Life isn't like one of those stupid little games you play."          "You know what’s unrealistic, mom. The way you treat your children."          There were countless things I wanted to say, to accuse her of in front of everyone. Enough accusations to fill a two-page bulletin, but I was so tired of this, of everything between her and I. It was not worth my time anymore. I left. I wanted to be alone and just get away from her, from my friend who didn't have the time for me anymore, and away from this so-called family that wouldn't notice if I had fallen off the face of the earth. Behind me I could hear her still shouting at me, trying to continue this argument as if I was still there. I didn't have to look back to know Clara was, at this instant, moving over to go comfort her sister until mom turns her uncontrolled anger in Clara's direction causing an entire ruckus between everyone there.          That's what mom does when she's upset. Everyone is just a target for her to throw all her own insecurities at. No one dares get mad at her for it though. She's just 'old and tired' as they say. Though we all know she's been like that since for as long as I could remember. But no, I'll still be the one to blame for getting her started. Honestly, I would just rather avoid that conversation. I didn't have a choice though. I never should have come. I just wanted to be away from everyone and everything. The only place I could do that was in the forest nearby, and that was exactly where I planned to be. It was the only place on these ridiculous trips I found solace, and here I am twenty-two years old and I still had to hide away from my crazy mother. I just didn't want to deal with this anymore.