The Honourable Mr. Tawnish

Introducing Mr. Tawnish, and what befell at "The Chequers" Myself and Bentley, who, though a good fellow in many ways, is yet a fool in more (hence the prominence of the personal pronoun, for, as every one knows, a fool should give place to his betters)--myself and Bentley, then, were riding home from Hadlow, whither we had been to witness a dog-fight (and I may say a better fight I never saw, the dog I had backed disabling his opponent very effectively in something less than three-quarters of an hour--whereby Bentley owes me a hundred guineas)--we were riding home as I say, and were within a half-mile or so of Tonbridge, when young Harry Raikes came up behind us at his usual wild gallop, and passing with a curt nod, disappeared down the hill in a cloud of dust. "Were I but ten years younger," says I, looking after him, "Tonbridge Town would be too small to hold yonder fellow and myself--he is becoming a positive pest." "True," says Bentley, "he's forever embroiling some one or other." "Only last week," says I, "while you were away in London, he ran young Richards through the lungs over some triviality, and they say he lies a-dying." "Poor lad! poor lad!" says Bentley. "I mind, too, there was Tom Adams--shot dead in the Miller's Field not above a month ago; and before that, young Oatlands, and many others besides--" "Egad," says I, "but I've a great mind to call 'out' the bully myself." "Pooh!" says Bentley, "the fellow's a past master at either weapon." "If you will remember, there was a time when I was accounted no mean performer either, Bentley." "Pooh!" says Bentley, "leave it to a younger man--myself, for instance." "Why, there is but a month or two betwixt us," says I. "Six months and four days," says he in his dogged fashion; "besides," he went on, argumentatively, "should it come to small-swords, you are a good six inches shorter in the reach than Raikes; now as for me--" "You!" says I, "Should it come to pistols you could not help but stop a bullet with your vast bulk." Hereupon Bentley must needs set himself to prove that a big man offered no better target than a more diminutive one, all of which was of course but the purest folly, as I very plainly showed him, whereat he fell a-whistling of the song "Lillibuleero" (as is his custom ever, when at all hipped or put out in any way). And so we presently came to the cross-roads. Now it has been our custom for the past twelve years to finish the day with a game of picquet with our old friend Jack Chester, so that it had become quite an institution, so to speak. What was our surprise then to see Jack himself upon his black mare, waiting for us beneath the finger-post. That he was in one of his passions was evident from the acute angle of his hat and wig, and as we approached we could hear him swearing to himself. "Bet you fifty it's his daughter," says Bentley. "Done!" says I, promptly. "How now, Jack?" says Bentley, as we shook hands. "May the Devil anoint me!" growled Jack. "Belike he will," says Bentley. "Here's an infernal state of affairs!" says Jack, frowning up the road, his hat and wig very much over one eye. "Why, what's to do?" says I. "Do?" says he, rapping out three oaths in quick succession--"do?--the devil and all's to do!" "Make it a hundred?" says Bentley aside. "Done!" says I. "To think," groans Jack, blowing out his cheeks and striking himself a violent blow in the chest, "to think of a pale-faced, pranked-out, spindle-shanked, mealy-mouthed popinjay like him!" "Him?" says I, questioningly. "Aye--him!" snaps Jack, with another oath. "Make it a hundred and fifty, Bentley?" says I softly. "Agreed!" says Bentley. "To think," says Jack again, "of a prancing puppy-dog, a walking clothes-pole like him--and she loves him, sir!" "She?" repeated Bentley, and chuckled. "Aye, she, sir," roared Jack; "to think after the way we have brought her up, after all our care of her, that she should go and fall in love with a dancing, dandified nincompoop, all powder and patches. Why damme! the wench is run stark, staring mad. Egad! a nice situation for a loving and affectionate father to be placed in!" "Father?" says I. "Aye, father, sir," roars Jack again, "though I would to heaven Penelope had some one else to father her--the jade!" "What!" says I, unheeding Bentley's leering triumph (Bentley never wins but he must needs show it) "what, is Penelope--fallen in love with somebody?" "Why don't I tell you?" cries Jack, "don't I tell you that I found a set of verses--actually poetry, that the jackanapes had written her?" "Did you tax her with the discovery?" says I. "To be sure I did, and the minx owned her love for him--vowed she'd never wed another, and positively told me she liked the poetry stuff. After that, as you may suppose, I came away; had I stayed I won't answer for it but that I might have boxed the jade's ears. Oh, egad, a pretty business!" "And I thought we had settled she was to marry Bentley's nephew Horace some day," says I, as we turned into the High Street. "It seems she has determined otherwise--the vixen; and a likely lad, too, as I remember him," says Jack, shaking his head. "Where is he now, Bentley?" says I. "Humph!" says Bentley, thoughtfully. "His last letter was writ from Venice." "Aye, that's it," says Jack, "while he's gadding abroad, this mincing, languid ass, this--" "What did you say was the fellow's name?" says I. "Tawnish!" says Jack, making a wry face over it, "the Honourable Horatio Tawnish. Come, d**k and Bentley, what shall we do in the matter?" "Speaking for myself," I returned, "it's devilish hard to determine." "And speaking for us all," says Bentley, "suppose we thrash out the question over a bottle of wine?" and swinging into the yard of "The Chequers" hard by, he dismounted and led the way to the sanded parlour. We found it empty (as it usually is at this hour) save for a solitary individual who lounged upon one of the settles, staring into the fire. He was a gentleman of middling height and very slenderly built, with a pair of dreamy blue eyes set in the oval of a face whose pallor was rendered more effective by a patch at the corner of his mouth. His coat, of a fine blue satin laced with silver, sat upon him with scarce a wrinkle (the which especially recommended itself to me); white satin small-clothes and silk stockings of the same hue, with silver-buckled, red-heeled shoes, completed a costume of an elegance seldom seen out of London. I noticed also that his wig, carefully powdered and ironed, was of the very latest French mode (vastly different to the rough scratch wigs usually affected by the gentry hereabouts), while the three-cornered hat upon the table at his elbow was edged with the very finest point. Altogether, there was about him a certain delicate air that reminded me of my own vanished youth, and I sighed. As I took my seat, yet wondering who this fine gentleman might be, Jack seized me suddenly by the arm. "Look!" says he in my ear, "damme, there sits the fellow!" Turning my head, I saw that the gentleman had risen, and he now tripped towards us, his toes carefully pointed, while a small, gold-mounted walking cane dangled from his wrist by a riband. "I believe," says he, speaking in a soft, affected voice, "I believe I have the felicity of addressing Sir John Chester?" "The same, sir," said Jack, rising, "and, sir, I wish a word with you." Here, however, remembering myself and Bentley, he introduced us--though in a very perfunctory fashion, to be sure. "Sir John," says Mr. Tawnish, "your very obedient humble; gentlemen--yours," and he bowed deeply to each of us in turn, with a prodigious flourish of the laced hat. "I repeat, sir," says Jack, returning his bow, very stiff in the back, "I repeat, I would have a word with you." "On my soul, I protest you do me too much honour!" he murmured--"shall we sit?" Jack nodded, and Mr. Tawnish sank into a chair between myself and Bentley. "Delightful weather we are having," says he, breaking in upon a somewhat awkward pause, "though they do tell me the country needs rain most damnably!" "Mr. Tawnish," says Jack, giving himself a sudden thump in the chest, "I have no mind to talk to you of the weather." "No?" says Mr. Tawnish, with a tinge of surprise in his gentle voice, "why then, I'm not particular myself, Sir John--there are a host of other matters--horses and dogs, for instance." "The devil take your horses and dogs, sir!" cries Jack. "Willingly," says Mr. Tawnish, "to speak the truth I grow something tired of them myself; there seems very little else talked of hereabouts." "Mr. Tawnish," says Jack, beginning to lose his temper despite my admonitory frown, "the matter on which I would speak to you is my daughter, sir, the Lady Penelope." "What--here, Sir John?" cries Mr. Tawnish, in a horrified tone, "in the tap of an inn, with a--pink my immortal soul!--a sanded floor, and the very air nauseous with the reek of filthy tobacco? No, no, Sir John, indeed, keep to horses and dogs, I beg of you; 'tis a subject more in harmony with such surroundings." "Now look you, sir," says Jack, blowing out his cheeks, "'tis a good enough place for what I have to say to you, sanded floor or no, and I promise it shall not detain you long." Hereupon Jack rose with a snort of anger, and began pacing to and fro, striking himself most severely several times, while Mr. Tawnish, drawing out a very delicate, enamelled snuff-box, helped himself to a leisurely pinch, and regarded him with a mild astonishment. "Sir," says Jack, turning suddenly with a click of spurred heels, "you are in the habit of writing poetry?" The patch at the corner of the Honourable Horatio's mouth quivered for a moment. "Really, my dear Sir John--" he began. "You sent a set of verses to my daughter, sir," Jack broke in, "well, damme, sir, I don't like poetry!" "I do not doubt it for a moment, sir," says Mr. Tawnish, "but these were written, if you remember, to--the lady." "Exactly," cries Jack, "and you will understand, sir, that I forbid poetry, once and for all--curse me, sir, I'll not permit it!" "This new French sauce that London is gone mad over is a thought too strong of garlic, to my thinking," says Mr. Tawnish, flicking a stray grain of snuff from his cravat. "You will, I think, agree with me, Sir John, that to a delicate palate--" "The devil anoint your French sauce, sir," cries Jack, in a fury, "who's talking of French sauces?" "My very dear Sir John," says Mr. Tawnish, with an engaging smile, "when one topic becomes at all--strained, shall we say?--I esteem it the wiser course to change the subject, having frequently proved it to have certain soothing and calming effects--hence my sauce." Here Bentley sneezed and coughed both together and came nigh choking outright (a highly dangerous thing in one of his weight), which necessitated my loosening his steenkirk and thumping him betwixt the shoulder-blades, while Jack strode up and down, swearing under his breath, and Mr. Tawnish took another pinch of snuff. "French sauce, by heaven!" cries Jack suddenly, "did any man ever hear the like of it?--French sauce!" and herewith he snatched off his wig and trampled upon it, and Bentley choked himself purple again. I will admit that Jack's round bullet head, with its close-cropped, grizzled hair standing on end, would have been a whimsical, not to say laughable sight in any other (Bentley for instance)--but Jack in a rage is no laughable matter. "By the Lord, sir," cries he, turning upon Mr. Tawnish, who sat cross-legged, regarding everything with the same mild wonderment--"by the Lord! I'd call you out for that French sauce if I thought you were a fighting man." "Heaven forfend!" exclaimed Mr. Tawnish, with a gesture of horror, "violence of all kinds is abhorrent to my nature, and I have always regarded the duello as a particularly clumsy and illogical method of settling a dispute." Hereupon Jack looked about him in a helpless sort of fashion, as indeed well he might, and catching sight of his wig lying in the middle of the floor, promptly kicked it into a corner, which seemed to relieve him somewhat, for he went to it and, picking it up again, knocked out the dust upon his knee, and setting it on very much over one eye, sat himself down again, flushed and panting, but calm. "Mr. Tawnish," says he, "as regards my daughter, I must ask--nay demand--that you cease your persecution of her once and for all." "Sir John," says Mr. Tawnish, bowing across the table, "allow me to suggest in the most humble and submissive manner, that the word 'persecution' is perhaps a trifle--I say just a trifle--unwarranted." "Be that as it may, sir, I repeat it, nevertheless," says Jack, "and furthermore I must insist that you communicate no more with the Lady Penelope either by poetry or--or any other means." "Alas!" sighs Mr. Tawnish, "cheat myself as I may, the possibility will obtrude itself that you do not look upon my suit with quite the degree of warmth I had hoped. Sir, I am not perfect, few of us are, but even you will grant that I am not altogether a savage?" As he ended, he helped himself to another pinch of snuff with a pretty, delicate air such as a lady would use in taking a comfit; indeed his hand, small and elegantly shaped, whose whiteness was accentuated by the emerald and ruby ring upon his finger, needed no very strong effort of fancy to be taken for a woman's outright. I saw Jack's lip curl and his nostrils dilate at its very prettiness. "There be worse things than savages, sir," says he, pointedly. "Indeed, Sir John, you are very right--do but hearken to the brutes," says Mr. Tawnish, with lifted finger, as from the floor above came a roar of voices singing a merry drinking-catch, with the ring of glasses and the stamping of spurred heels. "Hark to 'em," he repeated, with a gesture of infinite disgust; "these are creatures the which, having all the outward form and semblance of man, yet, being utterly devoid of all man's finer qualities, live but to quarrel and fight--to eat and drink and beget their kind--in which they be vastly prolific, for the world is full of such. To-night it would seem they are in a high good humour, wherefore they are a trifle more boisterous than usual, indulging themselves in these howlings and shoutings, and shall presently drink themselves out of what little wit Dame Nature hath bestowed upon 'em, and be carted home to bed by their lackeys--pah!" "How--what?" gasps Jack, while I sat staring (very nearly open-mouthed) at the cool audacity of the fellow. "Are you aware, sir," cries Jack, when at last he had regained his breath, "that the persons you have been decrying are friends of mine, gallant gentlemen all--aye, sir, damme, and men to boot!--hard-fighting, hard-riding, hard-drinking, six-bottle gentlemen, sir?" "I fear me my ignorance of country ways hath led me into a grave error," says Mr. Tawnish, with a scarce perceptible shrug of the shoulders; "upon second thoughts I grant there is about a man who can put down one throat what should suffice for six, something great." "Or roomy!" adds Bentley, in a strangling voice. "We are at side issues," says Jack, very red in the face, "the point being, that I forbid you my daughter once and for all." "Might I enquire your very excellent reasons?" "Plainly, then," returns Jack, hitting himself in the chest again, "the Lady Penelope Chester must and shall marry a man, sir." "Yes," nodded Mr. Tawnish, "a man is generally essential in such cases, I believe." "I say a man, sir," roared Jack, "and, damme, I mean a man, and not a clothes-horse or a dancing master, or--or a French sauce, sir. One who will not faint if a dog bark too loudly, nor shiver at sight of a pistol, nor pick his way ever by smooth roads. He must be a man, I say, able to use a small-sword creditably, who knows one end of a horse from another, who can win well but lose better, who can follow the hounds over the roughest country and not fall sick for a trifle of mud, nor fret a week over a splashed coat--in a word, he must be a man, sir." "Alas, what a divine creature is man, after all!" sighs Mr. Tawnish, with a shake of the head, "small matter of wonder if I cannot attain unto so high an estate; for I beg you to observe that though I am tolerably efficient in the use of my weapon" (here he laid his hand lightly upon the silver hilt of his small-sword), "though I can tell a spavined horse from a sound one, and can lose a trifle without positive tears, yet--and I say it with a sense of my extreme unworthiness--I have an excessive and abiding horror of mud, or dirt in any shape or form. But is there no other way, Sir John? In remote times it was the custom in such cases to set the lover some arduous task--some enterprise to try his worth. Come now, in justice do the same by me, I beg, and no matter how difficult the undertaking, I promise you shall at least find me zealous." "Come, Jack," cries Bentley, suddenly, "smite me, but that's very fair and sportsmanlike! How think you, d**k?" "Why, for once I agree with you, Bentley," says I, "'tis an offer not devoid of spirit, and should be accepted as such." Jack sat down, took two gulps of wine, and rose again. "Mr. Tawnish," says he, "since these gentlemen are in unison upon the matter, and further, knowing they have the good of the Lady Penelope at heart as much as I, I will accept your proposition, and we will, each of us, set you a task. But, sir, I warn you, do not delude yourself with false hopes; you shall not find them over-easy, I'll warrant." Mr. Tawnish bowed, with the very slightest shrug of his shoulders. "Firstly, then," Jack began, "you must--er--must--" Here he paused to rub his chin and stare at his boots. "Firstly," he began again, "if you shall succeed in doing--" Here his eyes wandered slowly up to the rafters, and down again to me. "Curse it, d**k!" he broke off, "what the devil must he do?" "Firstly," I put in, "you must accomplish some feat the which each one of us three shall avow to be beyond him." "Good!" cries Jack, rubbing his hands, "excellent--so much for the first. Secondly--I say secondly--er--ha, yes--you must make a public laughing stock of that quarrelsome puppy, Sir Harry Raikes. Raikes is a dangerous fellow and generally pinks his man, sir." "So they tell me," nodded Mr. Tawnish, jotting down a few lines in his memorandum. "Thirdly," ended Bentley, "you must succeed in placing all three of us--namely, Sir Richard Eden, Sir John Chester, and myself--together and at the same time, at a disadvantage." "Now, sir," says Jack, complacently, "prove your manhood equal to these three tasks, and you shall be free to woo and wed the Lady Penelope whenever you will. How say you, d**k and Bentley?" "Agreed," we replied. "Indeed, gentlemen," says Mr. Tawnish, glancing at his memoranda with a slight frown, "I think the labours of Hercules were scarce to be compared to these, yet I do not altogether despair, and to prove to you my readiness in the matter, I will, with your permission, go and set about the doing of them." With these words he rose, took up his hat, and with a most profound obeisance turned to the door. At this moment, however, there came a trampling of feet upon the stairs, another door was thrown open, and in walked Sir Harry Raikes himself, followed by D'Arcy and Hammersley, with three or four others whose faces were familiar. They were all in boisterous spirits, Sir Harry's florid face being flushed more than ordinary with drinking, and there was an ugly light in his prominent blue eyes. Now, it so happened that to reach the street, Mr. Tawnish must pass close beside him, and noting this, Sir Harry very evidently placed himself full in the way, so that Mr. Tawnish was obliged to step aside to avoid a collision; yet even then, Raikes thrust out an elbow in such a fashion as to jostle him very unceremoniously. Never have I seen an insult more wanton and altogether unprovoked, and we all of us, I think, ceased to breathe, waiting for the inevitable to follow. Mr. Tawnish stopped and turned. I saw his delicate brows twitch suddenly together, and for a moment his chin seemed more than usually prominent--then all at once he smiled--positively smiled, and shrugged his shoulders with his languid air. "Sir," says he, with a flash of his white teeth, "it seems they make these rooms uncommon small and narrow, for the likes of you and me--your pardon." And so, with a tap, tap, of his high, red-heeled shoes, he crossed to the door, descended the steps, turned up the street, and was gone. "He--he begged the fellow's pardon!" spluttered Jack, purple in the face. "A more disgraceful exhibition was never seen," says I, "the fellow's a rank coward!" As for Bentley, he only fumbled with his wine-glass and grunted. The departure of Mr. Tawnish had been the signal for a great burst of laughter from the others, in the middle of which Sir Harry strolled up to our table, nodding in the insolent manner peculiar to him. "They tell me," said he, leering round upon us, "they tell me your pretty Penelope takes something more than a common interest in yonder fop; have a care, Sir John, she's a plaguey skittish filly by the looks of her, have a care, or like as not--" But here his voice was drowned by the noise of our three chairs, as we rose. "Sir Harry Raikes," says I, being the first afoot, "be you drunk or no, I must ask you to be a little less personal in your remarks--d'ye take me?" "What?" cries Raikes, stepping up to me, "do you take it upon yourself to teach me a lesson in manners?" "Aye," says Bentley, edging his vast bulk between us, "a hard task, Sir Harry, but you be in sad need of one." "By God!" cries Raikes, clapping his hand to his small-sword, "is it a quarrel you are after? I say again that the wench--" The table went over with a crash, and Raikes leaped aside only just in time, so that Jack's fist shot harmlessly past his temple. Yet so fierce had been the blow, that Jack, carried by its very impetus, tripped, staggered, and fell heavily to the floor. In an instant myself and Bentley were bending over him, and presently got him to his feet, but every effort to stand served only to make him wince with pain; yet balancing himself upon one leg, supported by our shoulders, he turned upon Raikes with a snarl. "Ha!" says he, "I've long known you for a drunken rascal--fitter for the stocks than the society of honest gentlemen, now I know you for a liar besides; could I but stand, you should answer to me this very moment." "Sir John, if you would indulge me with the pleasure," says I, putting back the skirt of my coat from my sword-hilt, "you should find me no unworthy substitute, I promise." "No, no," says Bentley, "being the younger man, I claim this privilege myself." "I thank you both," says Jack, stifling a groan, "but in this affair none other can take my place." Raikes laughed noisily, and crossing the room, fell to picking his teeth and talking with his friend, Captain Hammersley, while the others stood apart, plainly much perturbed, to judge from their gestures and solemn faces. Presently Hammersley rose, and came over to where Jack sat betwixt us, swearing and groaning under his breath. "My dear Sir John," says the Captain, bowing, "in this much-to-be-regretted, devilish unpleasant situation, you spoke certain words in the heat of the moment which were a trifle--hasty, shall we say? Sir Harry is naturally a little incensed, still, if upon calmer consideration you can see your way to retract, I hope--" "Retract!" roars Jack, "retract--not a word, not a syllable; I repeat, Sir Harry Raikes is a scoundrel and a liar--" "Very good, my dear Sir John," says the Captain, with another bow; "it will be small-swords, I presume?" "They will serve," says Jack. "And the time and place?" "Just so soon as I can use this leg of mine," says Jack, "and I know of no better place than this room. Any further communication you may have to make, you will address to my friend here, Sir Richard Eden, who will, I think, act for me?" "Act for you?" I repeated, in great distress, "yes, yes--assuredly." "Then we will leave it thus for the present, Sir John," says the Captain, bowing and turning away, "and I trust your foot will speedily be well again." "Which is as much as wishing me speedily dead!" says Jack, with a rueful shake of the head. "Raikes is a devil of a fellow and generally pinks his man--eh, d**k and Bentley?" "Oh, my poor Jack!" sighed Bentley, turning his broad back upon Sir Harry, who, having bowed to us very formally, swaggered off with the others at his heels. "Man, Jack," says I, "you'll never fight--you cannot--you shall not!" "Aye, but I shall!" says Jack, grimly. "'Twill be plain murder!" says Bentley. "And--think of Pen!" says I. "Aye, Pen!" sighed Jack. "My pretty Pen! She'll be lonely awhile, methinks, but--thank God, she'll have you and Bentley still!" And so, having presently summoned a coach (for Jack's foot was become too swollen for the stirrup), we all three of us got in and were driven to the Manor. And I must say, a gloomier trio never passed out of Tonbridge Town, for it was well known to us that there was no man in all the South Country who could stand up to Sir Harry Raikes; and moreover, that unless some miracle chanced to stop the meeting, our old friend was as surely a dead man as if he already lay in his coffin.