Our dirty little secret

My grip on Dennis my best man caused him to look at me with terror; it is firm, deadly and strong. I tightened my grip on him more and more. I almost staggered ,my heart racing harder and faster, I can’t breathe, I couldn’t think of breathing cause as of this moment breathing has become the last thing on my mind, my eyes begins to water, trying to breathe but kept choking on air. Dennis flinches in a futile attempt to shrug off my grip on him but they are too tight, I can see how troubled he is at his failed attempt to get my hands off him. I knew I was hurting him with how tight my grip was but in this moment I really do not care. He continues to stare at me, his eyes are begging me to let go of him while he secretly asked what’s wrong with me, he is asking so many questions with his eyes, I can see the questions floating in his eyes, but he knows he can’t ask them now at least not here and not at the moment, so he stares and my heart continues to beat faster, his eyes widen more and more in horror as I do not let go of his hands or speak. He must be thinking that I am being possessed by some evil spirit that wants to ruin my wedding because I am acting strange and insane, and I can’t blame him if he thinks I am possessed. I want to breathe at this moment but I can’t, so I stare harder not moving my gaze from his now ashen face, my heart still racing. I notice now that he is scared but what he thinks of me is not an issue, cause in this moment all that matters is him, because he is here and I can’t believe it, he is here! The man who has been my muse for all this years, the man of my dreams, the man who I have worshipped all my life. It is him! He is here and I am not dreaming, he is really here. My God! He is my God! It is either he is here or I am more insane than I feared I was, or maybe I have gone mad, but no! I am sane, I am not mad! I am not! He is really here! He is! Father Matthew is here and he is the officiating priest at my wedding. What an irony! This is definitely the biggest joke the universe has to play on me, the sickest one at that. Do I deserve this reawakening? The reawakening of all the feelings I have struggled so much to put slightly to bed, to think that it is him I have always wanted to exchange wedding rings and vows with all my life, that it is him I want to spend the rest of my life with, that it is him I want a forever with, it is him I want to vow loyalty and love to. It is him and he is here for the purpose of joining me together with another woman, a woman I don’t love, a woman I can’t love. To think about it, the irony is indeed a very painful one, my face stiffens all the more, my eyes bleed water yet unmoving, I cannot blink, I can’t, I am scared that if I so much as blink a little he will vanish into the air again, like he did years ago, but he is here now and it is not a dream. Finally I loosen the grip on Dennis’s hand, he exhales and pulls his hands back to his side, and he touches it. Fully aware that I bruised him, I was so sorry for it but I cannot pay much attention to him now, because he is here. I look at the altar and my eyes immediately meets his, he is staring at me too, he holds on to my gaze and I start to remember, to remember all the times when we used to do this, when we used to stare at each other, him on the altar and me in the front row in the church, and now it’s happening again and I can’t believe it, I finally breathe in good and closed my eyes as the pleasant erotic memories flashed before my eyes. The memories of how it was him, of how we were when he damned the world and bared himself, body and soul to me, I remember it all like it happened yesterday, how would I not have remembered? I never forgot and let me tell you how it all happened.