Midnight Shadows

~3~: Whispers And Walls

The feeling of hate I had for Brielle caused me to remember another one of my toxic relationships, Phaedra. The resemblance was there in the sense that there was so much mystery about both of them and the constant lack of clarity was something I had remembered because of everything that had happened with Brielle. I remember everything about how things with me and Phaedra started. We were just talking one day, and then she told me how she had feelings for me. She, like Brielle, told me how she had never been in a relationship. Her reason was that, whenever she started talking to someone, they would do something in the first two or three weeks that would make them leave her. I was confident I wouldn't do anything stupid and me and she could work things out, so I decided to go for it. I remember me and her talking about music and her telling me how much someone could understand me by listening to the music I listened to, and she loved that about me. I had never thought that another person would be able to read the music I listened to that way. It made me attracted to her even more. The thing about Phaedra was that she was an extremely jealous person. She hated me having any form of physical contact with any girl that wasn't her or my family. I personally loved it for the most part, but there were also times when I wanted her to calm down a little. Our first fight was because I had played iMessage games with another girl. Because of this, she refused to text me back for two days, and refused to reply to my texts after opening them. After the first day, I decided to give her a little space and, alas, she texted me after two days. At this point, I knew I was in for a bumpy ride, but I still wanted to be with her nonetheless. She knew about my best friend and despised me for it. She constantly told me to get rid of her and I always told her that I couldn't. My best friend and I shared a platonic relationship and I couldn't just drop her like that. She was with me at my worst, and it would be unfair to drop her to be with a girl that I wasn't even sure of anything with. With time, Phaedra ended things with me because I couldn't drop my best friend. I was hurt, and I knew I wanted her back, so after about a week, I began chasing Phaedra again. I would try to keep the conversation going as much as possible even though I knew she was being dry to keep me from continuing to talk to her. Most times, if I texted, she would read my text and not even bother to reply, which would make me have to double text to get any sort of conversation out of her. It was terrible, and it hurt badly, but I continued because I felt she still had feelings for me. I ended up being right, of course, and after like two months of this, she started actually talking to me and eventually, she told me she still had feelings for me and had done all that to try and get me to back off her. I didn't let her finish what she was saying because I felt it would only upset me, so instead, I told her I wanted to be with her again and she agreed. The second time felt better than the first because, now, we knew each other a lot more than before, and we could now have those difficult conversations we avoided the first time, but well, as things were with Phaedra, they didn't last long and, one day, she started ghosting me again. This time, I didn't bother trying to get her back, I pushed my feelings for her aside and moved on with my life. These feelings I refused to deal with properly would eventually become the death of me as Phaedra used them to manipulate me. Every few weeks, she would come back, making me believe she was sorry for what happened between us, saying how she wanted to be together again, and I would listen, because deep down, I still had a lot of feelings for her. I would listen to her lies and once she had pushed me far enough, she would pull the plug which, more often than not, left me upset for days. She continued to do this for weeks until, one day, I had enough and made it my mission to hurt her back. I told her how everything me and she had wasn't real and how happy I was that she was out of my life. I called her a lot of things and I used certain intimate moments we had to attack her emotionally. I enjoyed every moment of it and my joy became magnified when I noticed she was on the brink of tears. I loved the fact that I had hurt her back, and she wanted to cry. It felt good, considering all the times she had made me feel that way since I met her. My joy lasted only a short while, as a few days later, I began to feel bad for doing what I did, so I reached out to Phaedra, to try and get her to forgive me for what I said. We ended up having a heart-to-heart and we both admitted to the fact that we both had feelings for each other, but we were also mature enough to admit that it wouldn't work between us. We were horrible for each other and if we tried again, we would hurt each other once again. We both agreed that there was already a lot of damage done, and it wouldn't be the best thing for either of us if we were to get together again, so we decided to be acquaintances, only talking occasionally to catch up. Looking back, I should have known better. It was never going to be that easy. We both still had too much baggage, too many unresolved emotions that neither of us had truly dealt with. It was only a matter of time before the cycle repeated itself. The occasional check-ins turned into full conversations, reminiscing over memories that should have stayed buried. And I let it happen. I let her weave her way back into my mind, convincing myself that we could be something different this time. But Phaedra was still Phaedra. She never truly changed. Just as soon as I let myself believe in the possibility, she ripped it away again. She would disappear without warning, only to reappear when she felt like it, dangling the idea of closure over my head like a prize I would never win. And I kept playing. Until I didn't. The final time she came back, something in me had finally snapped. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want an apology, I didn't want closure. I just wanted it to end. So when she reached out, I didn't respond. When she called, I ignored it. And for the first time in a long time, I felt free. Phaedra wasn't just a person to me anymore. She was a lesson. A reminder of what happens when you let yourself become trapped in the illusion of love when, in reality, all that exists is destruction. And with that realization, I finally let her go for good.