Midnight Shadows

~4~: Ghosts In The Mirror

Between Talia, Brielle, and Phaedra, I had managed to hurt myself more than anyone else. I needed a break. Not just from relationships, but from everything. I had to take a step back, reflect, and figure out what I wanted moving forward. I decided to revisit the things that gave me peace before relationships became such a heavy part of my life. Week by week, I reflected on each relationship, carefully unpacking what went wrong on their part and on mine. I started with Brielle because she had the biggest impact on me. Brielle was different. Before we ever dated, we had been close friends for a long time, which meant she knew everything about my past relationships, especially since Talia, her best friend at one point, had told her everything that happened during our time together. Add to that, Brielle already had her own opinions about me, especially because my relationships tended to end quickly. In her mind, I had commitment issues, and even though I didn’t believe that about myself, I couldn’t entirely blame her for feeling that way. To her, she was just protecting herself from getting hurt, which was fair. But at the same time, I felt like she overlooked all the signs that I was ready to be serious with her. She knew me better than most people, and she had to have seen how much effort I put into being with her. I’m not the kind of person to put that kind of energy into someone unless I really want something long-term. It frustrated me because I thought she should have factored that into her decision instead of assuming I couldn’t commit. When I laid everything out for myself, I realized I needed to prove something, not just to her, but to myself. I wanted to prove that I could go all in for someone, and if I ever got into another relationship, I would make it my mission to give it everything I had. Then there was Phaedra. Reflecting on that relationship was difficult because it was clear that she and I weren’t a good match in the long run. Phaedra had never really put much into any of her past relationships, but she tried with ours. The effort scared her because it was new to her, and as a result, she became clingy and jealous. I knew this about her, but I didn’t do enough to make her feel secure in the relationship. One of her biggest issues was that I talked to a lot of girls, and to her, that was a red flag. She thought I could just as easily be giving the same energy and attention to another girl. Honestly, I couldn’t blame her for feeling that way. However, I could blame her for the way she handled things. She struggled to communicate, and instead of addressing her concerns, she would ghost me for days or weeks. When she finally came back, she refused to talk about why she disappeared and would get angry if I even brought it up. This lack of communication made our relationship inconsistent and frustrating. Even before we ended things, I knew it wasn’t going to last. We couldn’t build something strong when she wasn’t willing to talk things through, and I wasn’t doing enough to address her fears. Finally, there was Talia. Out of all three, I think we both knew from the start that we were never going to work out. We came together because we were dealing with similar traumas, and even though we knew that wasn’t a healthy foundation for a relationship, we did it anyway. In the beginning, it felt exciting, just like any new relationship does. But the thrill didn’t last. After a week, the cracks began to show, and we started fighting. At the time, I thought the fights were something we could push through because I believed we were in love. But looking back, I think we confused dependency with love. Talia began comparing me to her ex early on, which should have been a major red flag for me, but I ignored it. I stayed because I thought I needed that relationship to feel happy. Even though it was toxic, there was a strange comfort in knowing I was in a relationship, like it gave me some kind of validation. It was scary, but I loved the feeling at the time. After I had reflected on everything, I see where I went wrong with each of them. With Brielle, I didn’t do enough to show her I could change her perception of me. I let her doubt take over, and I should have communicated more about how serious I was about her. With Phaedra, I didn’t make her feel safe in the relationship, and with Talia, I let my own insecurities keep me in something I knew wasn’t good for either of us. But one thing I told myself was that if I ever get into another relationship, I’ll make sure it’s built on trust, effort, and communication. I want to prove to myself that I’m capable of committing fully to someone who’s willing to meet me halfway. I started focusing on myself, figuring out what made me happy outside of relationships. It wasn’t easy at first, but over time, I began rediscovering the things that brought me peace before I ever fell in love with anyone. I poured myself into my passions, spent more time with the people who truly cared about me, and most importantly, I learned to enjoy my own company. It felt good not having to constantly worry about someone else’s needs or feelings. For the first time in a long time, I felt free. That freedom made me realize that love, in its healthiest form, wasn’t supposed to feel like a prison. It wasn’t supposed to feel like something I needed to prove to anyone. Love should be mutual, easy in the sense that both people are willing to work through things together, not one person constantly proving their worth while the other holds back. It took losing three people who meant something to me to finally see that. Maybe that was the real lesson in all of this. Maybe I had to lose them to find myself.