The Tears I Can't Cry

The first day of everything was always the worst for me. There was something about me that turned people off. It started the day after my fifth birthday, it was when me and my mom were headed home from a shopping trip to get me clothes for a school camping trip. We had pulled into the driveway and my mom stopped me from getting out of the car, I looked at her and frowned. “What’s wrong mommy?” I asked her. She looked at me and smiled. “You know I love you right baby girl?” she asked. I nodded. She told me every second of everyday that she loved me and I always said it back. “Whatever happens today, just remember that mommy loves you and will always be there for you.” I nodded my head, thinking it was just like every other day, I reached up my hands for her to hug me like she always did after she told me that she loved me but today she hugged me a little tighter than usual. We got out of the car and head into the house, I head down the hall with my mom behind me, I was so excited to show my dad all my clothes for the camping trip. When I got closer to the door, I start to hear weird sounds coming from the other side. I turn to my mom and she looks like she’s about to cry. I open the door and see my dad with his secretary. They both look at me and then at my mom, “Ella, Mia.” My dad looks at the both of us. My mom grabs me and runs upstairs to my room. I watch her throw my clothes into a suitcase and then she goes to her room and does the same thing. I hear my dad come running up the stairs. My mom grabs me and hands me my teddy bear telling me to stay in the room. I nod and sit on the bed, I started telling my bear, whose name was Yoyo, about everything me and my mom had done that day, when I heard my parents yelling in the hall. I wanted to know what was going on so I moved closer to the door and listened. “Mia please let me explain.” That was my dad, what did he want to explain. “Explain what Vince, how me and our daughter just saw you f*****g your secretary in your office. How am I supposed to explain that to her when she asks me about it, huh?” My mom was mad, she never said bad words unless she was mad. “Mia, she’ll forget about it before dinner and then everything will be fine. We can forget it ever happened and we can be a family again.” Then I heard a sharp slap and I knew it was a slap because it was the same sound my brothers made when they hit each other. “We are not a family we will never be a family again. This is the fourth time, I caught you with that w***e. You think Ella is going to forget this, she goes to Carrington for a reason, She’s is smart and she hasn’t forgotten anything since the day she turned two. I am leaving and I’m taking Ella with me.” Mommy really is mad she always says that she would never leave daddy but she just said she was going to leave. “What about the boys, Mia?” daddy asked. “The boys love you, they would never want to be with me at all. Where are they anyway?” mommy asked. “They’re down the street playing at the park with some friends.” He replied. Mommy said something that I couldn’t hear, then I just jumped from the door and ran back to my chair. I looked down at Yoyo and hide my tears. Mommy came into the room and hugged me tight. I saw my dad standing at the door and his cheek was red. “Daddy what happened to your cheek?” I asked him. My parents always told me the truth but sometimes they lied and I let them. “My mommy hit me because I tried to kiss her.” I giggled. “You and mommy are going to go stay with grandma for a little while, okay baby girl?” I nodded and looked at my mommy. “Mommy yoyo’s hungry and she wanted me to ask if it was okay if you and grandma made enchiladas when we get to her house.” I asked and looked down at my Yoyo. My mom laughed and nodded. She grabbed our suitcases and lead me down to the car. My dad followed and kissed my head, “I love you princess.” He said, I didn’t really believe him because he never said it like mommy did, he only said it when I did something he liked, I had once gotten straight O’s in school and he said that he loved, but he never said it after that. He put me in the car and buckled me into my car seat. “I love you too, daddy.” He smiled and closed my door. “Mia please don’t do this. I can make everything right and everything will be okay.” I watched as he tried to move closer to mommy but she moved away from him. “That’s what you said the last three times, and you never did. It never changed.” She didn’t kiss him, she didn’t hug him, she just closed the trunk and got into the car. That was the last time I saw the house, but what I didn’t know it was going to be the last time I saw my mommy. *********** Two Weeks Later *********** We only spent a couple of weeks with my grandma before a guy came to the house and handed my mom a paper. It wasn’t until later that night that I found what had happened. “He wants a divorce, and he wants custody of Ella, She’ll never go with him, Mama.” Mommy said to grandma. “Mi amor, you know very well who you married and how much power he has. Vincent can do what every he likes because of how much money he makes.” Grandma was sitting in her rocking chair, knitting like she always does. “Mama, Ella is my world and I cannot lose her.” Mommy sounded like she was going to cry and I didn’t like it when she cried. “Mia, sweetheart listen to me. You will never lose Ella. Never.” I guess something bad was happening but hey, I’m only five, I may be smart and go to Carrington private school for smart children but I can’t understand everything people older than me do. I got tried just standing there listening so I walked into the room. My grandma was the first one to see me. She smiled and motioned for me to climb into her lap as she put her knitting away. I laid in her lap and she wrapped me in her arms and started singing me a song that I loved as a kid. A couple of days later, I was back with my dad. I didn’t know what divorce meant but I didn’t get to see my mom after she went to the court house. All I remember about that day was that my mom and my grandma woke me up early in the morning and packed my bag and loaded me into the car. We went out to eat and then to a big place that looked like a church but my grandma said that it was a court house. I saw my dad and my brothers, I frowned. “What’s going on, mommy?” I asked her, looking up at her. All she did was bend down, kiss me on my head, and turned away. I starred after her but she and my grandmother didn't turn around as they walked away. "Come on, Ella." My dad said as he took my hand and lead me to the car. "Where is mommy going with granny?" I asked him as we got into the car and he was putting me into my car seat. He didn't answer me, he just ignored me completely, I looked to my brothers who ignored me as well. It wasn't until later that night while I was sitting in my room, drawing with Yoyo, that my dad came in and sat next me on the floor. "You know I love you, right baby girl?" he asked. I nodded and looked up at him. "You know your mommy loves you to right?" I nodded again. "Well, sweetie, how do I put this?" He looked up to the ceiling and then back at me after a little bit. He had tries in his eyes, I stood up and wiped them away. "What's wrong, daddy?" I asked him. "Sweetheart, mommy had to go away for a while and I don't know when you are going to see her again." I looked at him, slightly confused but I understood what he meant, so I nodded. He smiled lightly at me and kissed my head, "Dinner is going to be ready soon baby girl." I smiled and nodded. "Okay, daddy." He walked back out of my room and closed the door. I sat down on the floor and picked up Yoyo, "You know what, Yoyo, He could have just told me mommy died. He didn't have to sugar coat it." I told her. It was at that moment that, Yoyo wasn't good enough anymore but she was still my favorite toy because my mm had given her to me. It was at that moment, when I looked over to my window and I saw my mom sitting there smiling at me with a rope wrapped around her neck.