Hanging Fire

Danny "Marc told me Jinnie's friend is still a virgin." Having not enjoyed my time at this sport bar all eight of us men are at, I perk up. Jinnie and all of us are well into our twenties, that and we are all mutual friends. What friend did Jinnie have that could be a virgin? At our age!? I know one thing. It couldn't be any of the girls in our friend group. I'm close with all of them. "Foreal? Is she a close friend?" Says another guy. Peter is looking at me. A nervous look on his face. I watch him wondering what he's thinking about right now. Does he know the virgin? It's a brief moment that I think it, No...no, no, no. It couldn't be her— "Oh yeah! But they're best friends, so I couldn't just let you try man. I'd get divorced if anything happened to that girl." That's when Ammers laughs. "You're talking about Noa!?" He flashes a spry look at Peter. "Damn man what did you do to her back in the day? " "Nothing, Man. Just be quiet about that s**t. That's her business." Peter says, like good ol' fuckin' Yellow. I blink. Our memories coming back to me. Of our childhood. Or our teen years. Of nearly all of our young adult years. I'm panicking. Staring at my beer like the glass is going to break any minute now if I don't watch it. "Oh shit." I hear Marc's voice reverberating towards me. "Look man we didn't mean"— "Shut your f*****g mouth" I snap. I tilt my bottle back and chug my beer. The entire table is quiet because they all have to know. They aren't bright men, that's been obvious, it's why I'm closer with the girls. Which also means, I don't want them talking about Noa that way. That much they're smart enough to understand. Yet I know if I stay, one of the guys here that isn't part of our circle, will keep going. So, I turn to head to the bar. Did she wait? Would she have if it would have been— "What's your poison tonight." The bartender asks. "Strongest. Whiskey. Neat. Doubles. Two" He chuckles, "got it." What would she have waited for? I know she dates men. I know she's dated after Peter. Then what...when? "What's wrong Danny?" I turn and there he is. Speak of the devil. "I never told you. But I think you know why her, and I broke up. " I flash him a look behind my shoulder, as the bartender hands me two double shots. I down one and then turn around to face him with the other in my hand. "Are you going to tell me?" "Do you want the truth?" "You're my best friend, Peter" I say. "She's your best friend." He assures with a nod, and I mimic that gesture. "Do you think she"—I can't ask him. Not when I know he still feels something for her. "Sir, let me get two more, please!" I call to the bartender turning back around to relax with my elbows on the counter. Peter takes a seat beside me. Calm and quiet. I take the second shot and wait for the next few rounds. "You might want to slow down on those shots, Danny." Peter warns me. I drink another set. Then one more before I'm losing my mind. All of our memories are flooding me. From the time when we were kids. To all the moments when we were teenagers and all the way to well into our adult years. Everything's Gold. The sun is rising and it's all my fault! No, it's Yellow's! And Courtney's! Gold! Right now, in my mind Noa and I are twelve and thirteen and there's no going back from this. "I'm going to go home to her" I say. "You're drunk." He says softly as if what I'm saying is a bad idea. "No more waiting...I've waited for my sister and mom to come back all my life. Look, how that turned out! I wound up in jail!" I start nodding my head. I know what Im going to do. Picturing Noa's window. We don't live in our childhood homes anymore, but I can see it in my mind as if it had been yesterday that we did. "Hey man you good?" I hear Marc behind me. I shake my head. "No, I'm not. I'm not good. Nothings gold!." Danny; 12 Noa; 13 “Who’s Quin?” The question comes thoughtfully from Noa‘s lips as I watch her stare at my sister’s photo on my dresser. The window behind it, with its curtain drawn back, the sun’s light spreading over Noa’s face. She looks golden. Except her eyes. You can still tell those are blue. “My sister.” She looks back at me, those ocean eyes filled with surprise. I don’t elaborate and I’m sure that’s why she’s staring. Hard. “I’m sorry.” She finally says, her eyes lowering. She turns away slowly back to the picture of my then three-year-old sister. Then it hits me, and I can’t help but smirk at her. “She’s not dead!” I let her know. I watch her shutter when I say it, her cheeks turning pink with shame that she’d even thought it. “Ooh, thank god!” she cries out as she swings her body at me. I catch her. Her arms slung over my neck. She is warm and sweet. I can’t help but touch her when she hugs me. My thumbs pressing into the small ribs of the Henley shirt she’s wearing. How I can feel her body heat through it… I’m holding my breath. “I didn’t even know you had a sister. I felt likea shitty friend if I didn’t know you’d gone through something like that! I couldn’t stand it!” Why is she so emotional? I think to myself as my thumbs, and fingers start scrunching up her shirt. I just want to know what her stomach might feel— But instead of her stomach, I feel one of her ribs. She’s not thin, but I know where I’m touching, as all my fingers are on her bare skin now. It’s casual, and now I’m able to slip my other hand at the small of her back. Both hands are now on her flesh and she’s hot, burning underneath my palms. But she doesn’t notice what I’m doing. It’s innocent, I promise, because I’m twelve— Okay, not that innocent; I’m aware of what I want, but I know Noa doesn’t. She just wants to console me, and I? I want to feel. Honestly. I just want to feel something other than disgust and dread, and ever since Noa’s came into my life I haven’t felt that way. A simple touch is enough, but just this once I let myself be selfish. I wasn’t going to do it again. Be selfish. Not to her. Never again… “I know you wouldn’t. I should have told you. When my mother left my dad…and my brother and me, she took Quin with her. She’s three in the picture, but she would be ten now.” I explain as she clings to me. I feel her tears. A couple drops press into my neck, and again I stop breathing. I also stop thinking, so that she doesn’t feel anything bulging between us. Successful as always, I lean away from her, forcing her hip to hip, and curled into one of my arms. I’m taller than her. We’re the only two kids going through puberty at the moment in our classes so I look like I’m a senior in high school and Noa…doesn’t. Her boobs are huge. That’s about it. Still, she’s something else. “I’m sorry,” She sniffs, her big moon eyes looking up at me. “For?” “Crying.” “If you’re not yelling, then you’re crying!” I say matter of fact. “I think we need to try laughing more.” I tell Noa this as she pulls away, forcing me to slide my hands reluctantly out from under her shirt the further she moves from me. The scrunch of the shirt’s fabric unfolding with her as she straightens it out without an idea of what it means to me. I will forever remember this damn maroon colored Henley. The impossibly soft skin that I want to kiss… Lick. Ha, But I’m not going to do any of that. I’ve never even thought about things like this before now. Not with anyone I know, who isn’t famous. “Me? Laugh?” She makes raspberry sounds with her lips, to my sudden surprise, and a little of horror. “It’s hard for me to smile, let alone a laugh.” “You’re always smiling around me.” I say accusingly and she flinches. It almost looks like she reboots herself as she stares off at me. Blinking. “Well, there’s no one else in this world that I feel this close to.” It’s much more exciting when the girl you have a crush on is here in person. It feels possible. But it’s not. Not now anyway. I got a good friend. Someone I want to keep. It’s what my dad tells me constantly. For the last eight years, on repeat: “‘If you ever find yourself close to a woman and you adore her. You want to keep her? You better stay her friend. Don’t complicate things. It doesn’t matter how close the two of you are, or if you shared every thought, and half of your soul. If it ever ends, it’s nearly impossible for them to look at you in the same light they once saw you in. You are tarnished, along with the bond you built with another human being.’” I won’t tarnish this. I never had someone in my life that I was desperate about knowing. I smile down at Noa. Speechless for the first time in my life by a girl, and I know what I’m going to do. Im certain of it. “Huh? You’re goin’ to do what?” It’s me who blinks at her this time, rebooting. I said that out loud? “You said you know what you’re gonna do. All under your breath, like some sleeper agent.” “And maybe I am one.” “You wish. What would be your code?” “My code? And why does it seem like you know a lot about this?” I squint at her as if I’m suspecting her of the worse. She’s grinning again like the thought of someone distrusting her excites her. “I’ve pictured it” she says shrugging. “ That one day I’ll be at work— later in life and someone will whisper: ‘it smells like teen spirit’ and then I’ll go all Buffy on everyone’s asses.” Her pale blonde hair flys around her face, choreographing her passion. I can’t help but react to moving the hair that falls over her eyes and sticks to her cheeks. “So to awaken the bad ass in you it’s just Nirvana lyrics?” “Any lyrics that sound badass. Teen spirit would be pretty cool if it happens when I’m still a teenager.” “So as an adult what would it be ?” “Where words fail, music speaks…and then all they would have to do is play the song close or loud enough for me to hear it” Damn she got this down. “A Musical sleeper agent.” She confirms and I can’t stop smiling at her and her silly story. The tightness in my chest is something I can’t put my finger on. I just know in the back of my head I’m screaming: I can’t loose her. I can’t mess this up. “I was saying earlier—I know what I’m doing because I’m keeping you, Noa Day.” As I say this her blue eyes are growing wide with joy and her cheeks flush down to her lips. “You’re going to be my best friend.” She giggles and furrows her brows at me like I’ve said something ridiculous. “You already are mine, Danny.”