Hanging Fire

Chapter Five: Coffee and Pancakes

Noa 16; 17

"You don't even like coffee." Courtney says popping a fry in her mouth with defeat.

It's the ambiance of a diner that I like best. They always smell like coffee.

"I need it for my pancakes."

She makes a face as she continues eating her plate of fries. That's it, it's all she got. It's why we came here. She wanted French fries and ketchup. I've been feeling bad for blowing her off for Danny a lot lately, so I offered to buy her lunch. I have a plate of pancakes in front of me, covered in melt d butter and syrup.

"Sorry for the wait. This is a fresh pot." Our server, a black woman named Jackie, comes over with my coffee. She sets another small white dish of coffee creamers beside my cup.

"You want a refill on your soda?" She raises a brow at my empty glass and with a smile, I nod.

"Please." I set the cup at the edge of the table, so she can grab it, once she's done filling my mug with coffee.

"Be back with that." She turns away with my glass and Courtney is glaring at me.

"You're going to be shitting yourself with all that coke and coffee."

"I'll be fine." I say, cutting my pancakes and stabbing a corner of two triangular shaped stacks with my fork. I reach over and begin dunking the little stacks, soaking them in the coffee.

Courtney eyes me. A blank, yet disturbed expression is present on her face. "What are you doing that for?"

"It's good."

"It's not."

I shrug. She's right, but it makes me feel good to eat this. It makes me think of when my family was together. When they didn't hate each other and disregard me.

"Anyway. I'm sorry I haven't hung out with you and Danny. It's been weird lately." Court says, her eyes lowering to her plate of fries.

The frown I have, I'm sure, is unmistakable. I feel my stomach twist into a knot. I reach over and take the bowl of creamer packets and start adding a couple into the coffee to lighten it up.

"So, are you two dating?" I ask it before I talk myself out of it. Courtney's head pops up her eyes widening.

"What? You think I want Daniel?" It's her tone that tells me what I want to hear. I'm not so sure why though. I set that thought aside and continue.

"Then you two aren't sleeping together?"

Her face lights up. "Woah Noa Day, are you talking like a normal teenager?"

I roll my eyes at her. "No, it's not being a normal teenager. It's being a weirdo. I feel like a pervert wanting to know so badly." I honestly explain, and she smirks, leaning back into her side of the booth.

"Why do you want to know so badly?"

"Because he won't tell me why he goes and sees you." Danny says he's got something to do with Courtney to make up for something he did to hurt her. She won't tell me what happened, and he won't. So, I'm assuming it's s****l.

"Danny and I got in a big fight about a month ago...it wasn't something I needed to tell you the details. But Danny felt bad, and we wanted to just be sure we were still friends first. We've went out. Not on dates, though. Just like you two go out."

Yeah, that's the problem.

"He's leaving me behind, and it's making Yellow think he can swoop in as a replacement."

"Maybe you should just accept him and hang out once."

"That's doing too much."

"It's really not. It's normal. Why don't you invite him to your birthday party?"

"Not a chance."

"Peter is so hot. I want him at your party." She giggles, twitching in her seat.

I look at her. "So, you don't want to date him?"

"Peter? Hell, yeah, I do!" She laughs, but I shake my head.

"No. Danny."

She stares at me like I'm an i***t. "There's no way you really think this because of our past. We were thirteen, Noa. No, I don't like Danny anymore!"

I raise a hand, realizing I was invading some negative territory. "Fine, I believe you."

"Oh, and just so you know, Peter already knows about your birthday and wants to come. Says he won't unless you invite him yourself." Ugh. She makes things hard. He's making things harder.

Suddenly I see Court's eyes grow wide and she quickly grabs her drink, shoving her straw in her mouth. I look back but see our server is seating another group right behind us, so I look away to give them privacy.

"What were you looking at like that?"

She lets go of the straw and smiles. Her cheeks are pink, which means she's got a secret. Leave it to Courtney to just be sitting there and can still secure all the gossip.

"Day-Collins got a fat ass nose. Dude, it's not that cute! Her posture is like vultures, and her heads big enough to be a bobble head!"

I recognize that voice.

"Is that f*****g Clive?" I can't help the words as they flow out my mouth and watch the excitement flicker across Courtney's eyes. Her cheekbones poised as she purses her lips with surprise.

I see who she'd been staring at now. I turn, smacking the table as I hear a "oh no" from Courtney.

Clive's' got short brown hair, and high cheekbones, with a straight nose. His eyebrows are long and thin, always plucked, and his lips always look like he constantly drinks fruit punch.

I curl my lip up at his cocky grin. Clive's in the booth behind us, with three other guys, two on either side. He sits on the outside of his booth, the furthest one from mine.

When my eyes meet his, he's already looking straight at me. He knew I was here and said all that s**t on purpose.

"Speak of the devil." He taunts, but as soon as I open my mouth, the person closest to me in his group turns to see who he is referring to.

Yellow.

Our faces, directly in front of each other for the first time since I rejected him.

I'm silent. I don't know why, but I'm suddenly unable to think of my next step.

He smiles at me. Why wouldn't he? I'm staring at him like he's the goddamn god of my universe. I shake it off.

It was brief.

That maybe I thought he looks a little cute up close.

"Noa. You didn't give me a chance to defend you." He says, leaning over his booth chair to see me better. I lean back, but it's useless. I can't get far from him.

"I doubt you would have. Courtney you ready?"

"No...I haven't even used the ketchup yet."

I flash her a glare, but she ignores me, reaching for the bottle of ketchup and starts pounding the bottom of it to get the rest of the ketchup out.

If my entire body could shatter like glass. It would be at this moment.

"Don't mind Clive. I think your nose is the cutest." Yellow reaches out to touch my nose and I want to throw up.

I hear the other guys laugh, but I can feel that to Yellow. This isn't a joke. He actually likes me.

I swallow. "I'm going to go pay and wait in the car!"

"You didn't even wait for your coke!"

I shake my head.

"I'll get it at the counter. Just—hurry up!" I shoot up out of my seat and don't look at anyone as I rush by.

At the counter, as I'm being cashed out, I can't help myself as I peak over.

I look at Yellow. Take an actual look at him. He's a tall dude, with a jawline that's obviously attractive.

He's a stereotype.

Big blonde, attractive jock, for sure.

Of course, he likes me.

I roll my eyes and focus back on me signing the receipt before I go. I add in a tip and don't take a second look.

I can feel Yellow is staring.

***

I wake up on October third, seventeen years old. I lay in bed and hear nothing but a silent house.

There's no breakfast in the kitchen for me.

Mom's not getting gifts ready or even telling me happy birthday.

I doubt she knows it's today.

My phone's not ringing either.

Dad's preoccupied, I'm sure as well, to know it's today.

Mikey hasn't responded to any of my calls, texts in weeks.

Courtney and Jinnie are too caught up in party planning.

And Danny is...

"Happy Birthday, Noa." He whispers in my ear. Filling the room with his voice. I feel his hand traveling across my stomach as he pulls himself closer.

Truth. I like when Danny comes over. I get better sleep too when cuddling him.

Some people might find the wrong in this. See this as romantic or dirty, but for me it's always just been comfort. We both have similar lives right now that this feels like it's all worth it in the end. We couldn't be like this. Be here at night for one another like this, had it not been for our shitty, uninvolved parents.

"Thanks. I was getting sad over the silence."

"I could tell." He says, leaning over to touch my hair.

He plays with it.

"I heard about Peter and the restaurant."

"Let me guess, Courtney?"

"Peter."

I mouth the word oh, feeling goofy.

That's another thing Danny keeps doing. He's not only making more time for Court but for that guy too.

Yellow and Daniel have been pretty tight, to my annoyance.

"I told him to stop by," Danny says, flying out of bed as he pays his hair down.

"You did not." I can feel the blood leaving my face.

He shoots me a smirk before he bends and pulls something out from under my bed.

"Open it." He presents me with my gift, and I have to be shocked. I didn't even see this or notice him come in with it.

"How?"

"I did it before yesterday morning."

It's a white rectangular box, and its light, so I'm guessing its clothes. Danny has never gotten me anything to wear before. I have to chuckle at the idea of what he might have gotten me; trying to imagine him in a*****e picking out something for a girl, even one as simple as me. I couldn't imagine.

I slide my fingers around the box, popping open the pieces of tape holding it together.

Inside is gold tissue paper. I comb my way through the gold to find a perfectly folded bundle, this time in blue paper. Unwrapping it, is a long, light yellow ribbed knitted dress.

What does this dress mean? He's never given me something this nice.

I look up at him wide eyed.

"I'm not letting the girls dress you this time."

"I actually liked the last dress Court got me. I felt super seventies."

He looks me over as if he might be remembering me from the last party. "I mean, yeah, but it was a short dress. You don't like short anything. So that's why I thought this would be more comfort on your birthday, but hey I heard Jinnie wants to put you in her pink Pearl mini dress."

"Danny, I love your dress! I wasn't saying I wouldn't wear it, I just" — How do I ask you something so embarrassing? That I think this might mean something other than a birthday present.

"I picked it out because I know yellow is your favorite color, and it goes well with your blue eyes."

Jesus Christ...he's making it worse.

I don't realize I'm squeezing the dress in my hands until the box falls on top of my feet.

Danny is silent, watching me. "Did I embarrass you by getting you a gift?" He asks slowly because he knows how I am.

I shake my head slowly, looking from the dress to his eyes.

Danny doesn't ever embarrass me. Even if he does, I don't mind.

"No. I was wondering if..." I can't ask it. My voice won't work if it means to ask that. "If you really think I could pull off a long dress with flowing arms?" I lift it to show him, and I watch him sigh with relief as he grins.

"You're going to look amazing in it."

Yeah.

That's made it easier to decipher.

***

"That's a cute gown." Jinnie compliments to my surprise when I open my front door to let her in.

She's dressed in white go-go boots and green fishnet stockings, paired with green leather bralette and underwear. Over her waist, she's put on a transparent plastic skirt, which has dark green trim around the top and bottom of it. Her nails are long and stiletto, neon green to match the fishnets. She's wearing a black lip today; and it looks like she's outlined her black cat eye look with a neon green liner, then randomly toned her face with a tinted green highlighter.

I see she's got a hanger under her finger, attached to a translucent garment bag that's thrown over her shoulder. I can see a peak of pink from the Pearl dress, and shudder.

"Danny got me it." I do a little spin in my dress, surprised as how tight it is against my body and show it off to Jinnie.

She pauses. Actually, she's frozen as she stares at it. Her eyes lowering into slits. "That's not a nightgown?" Her nose heaves up with her lip.

"No, it's what I'm wearing today." I say as her lips tighten into a line. She nods though, as she pushes passed me, throwing the dress onto my mother's white sofa.

"It's clean in here. Are you sure you want to have it here?"

"I said I didn't want a lot of people."

"Yeah...there's not." It's the tone of her voice that tells me otherwise. I close my eyes as look at Jinnie with pleading eyes.

"Moms been hot and cold with me lately. If there's going to be more than six people, then we need to move it to a different place."

She perks up. "Court and I already set up my backyard in your favorite colors. Purple and light green. It looks so cute; Danny suggested doing like a space theme. Can't wait till you see mine and Courts outfits together! We made antennas, sexy aliens." She too does a little spin of her outfit.

Only these bitches would dress up as aliens for my birthday.

I love it.

"That's great. I can't wait:"

She runs her hand through my straight hair. "You did it right this time. You use heat protectant?"

"Yes, Jin."

"And you were patient." She smiles and claps her hands.

"Since I don't have to dress you, I'll get started on some makeup and well head through to my house."

"Jinnie?"

I don't know what comes over me.

"Why do you think Danny bought me this dress?"

I watch her eyes twitch before she blinks, probably trying to decide why I'd ask that. Then her face softens. Her eyes look almost sorry. It makes bile rise in my throat.

"I think you're the sister he lost." She shrugs, and it's a f*****g painful sting.

It shouldn't be. I shouldn't be so selfish to think...that since he hasn't saw his sister in years, that I would mean something more. Or, in the least, loved me for me and not feeling as if we were codependent on each other to ease our shitty lives.

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It is for Peter." She teases, and it's like my throats being stuffed.

Peter, Peter, Peter.

I roll my eyes as I follow Jinnie out my door. Feeling nothing but the same as I had before, I even asked her that question.

I didn't get the answer I wanted.

Going to Jinnie's, her and Courtney had outdone themselves. They transformed Jinnie's back yard. Although the pool was closed for the season, they still managed to make it look like a getaway; with huge round clear balloons decorated around the perimeter of Jinnie's back yard. Their strings wrapped in LED lights to set off a bubble-like glow and radiate off the backdrop of the curtains.

They planned a galaxy themed Bags Board for the back, a group already competing. While the pool was closed, the hot tub was not and in the corner near hear mother's flower bed out back a bunch of people sit inside that hot tub soaking.

They would make me fashionably late to my own birthday party.

"This looks amazing, guys. I can't even believe it." I'm stunned taking in more of the games they'd set up and all the other areas people can enjoy themselves. Including a DJ and a dance floor over by Jinnie and Malia's white gazebo.

The tears sting my eyes. I blink them back because this is ridiculous to be so sad at this moment.

This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Knowing me so well that I didn't mind the little dramatic twists Jinnie and Courtney always manage to make out of their special occasions.

"At first, we didn't think we could pull off a sexy space theme, but damn, does it look good on Court and me?"

Court is over by the DJ, looking like she's giving him an ear full. She's dressed similar to Jinnie, but instead of green, her color is purple. Neon purple fishnets, purple makeup, neon purple nails, and a glowing purple tinted highlighter doused over her face. The only other difference they had was in their hairstyles. Jinnie's is long and straight to her butt and Courts is thrown in to two big space buns with white pompoms to hold them in place, matching her white stiletto boots.

I look like a frumpy fruit alien.

Still, I wasn't going to take this dress off. I'll probably live in it for the rest of my life. Something about everyone seeing me looking this way made me nervous.

I was never someone who cared what people thought.

Her nose is puffy.

Bobble head.

Why was Clive getting into my head now? Of all times.

I was never self-conscious. Is it because of Yellow? Is it because he didn't care and let it roll off of him?

Maybe I was the one being mean.

He touched my nose.

He told me to ignore Clive, and that I didn't give him a chance to defend me.

Was he really going to?

I bite my lip, sucking them in, feeling unsure about all this. I can't help but feel confused as to what I'm feeling. Between the dress and Yellow coming around, I wanted to know where my head was, truly. That, and where was Danny's too?

This thought alone makes the nausea build in my chest as I think about asking Danny the truth and avoiding Yellow all day...

That's when I grab one of the green pretzels and angrily take a bite before I hear roaring chatter grow larger and loud behind me. Taking a look behind, I see Danny.

Slow motion walking in, smiling brightly as he shook everyone's hand and said hi to those he walked by. It's a few seconds later that Yellow comes into view behind him. Danny turns; that amazing boyish a smile, tight that he gains a dimple and says something to Yellow.

They came together.

I don't realize I'm clutching my dress. A dress that clearly means nothing.

A dress that's only a birthday gift that I've been reading too much into all day.

A simple moment like this ruining the entire secret hope I'd been holding onto.

Yellow.

He comes right up to me. Not missing a beat.

"Hey!"

"Hi." I say, this time surprised at how nice it sounds coming from me.

"Happy birthday." He looks down as I just finally realize he's got a small gift bag in his hand.

I blush. f**k. Don't yell at him.

"Gifts are embarrassing." I say instead, staring at it and he just makes an o with his lips before he nods and goes behind me, setting the bag down on the table.

"You can open it later." He says and there's still a grin. I hadn't offended him.

"I don't like..."

"It's fine," he says, not trying to make me explain. I realize I don't know where Danny had disappeared too in that little amount of time.

"I was wondering if you'd like to take a walk."

This makes me laugh.

"And leave my party?"

He looks up as if to think of his next move but licks his lips with a cocky sneer. "I don't think you really give a s**t about a party. It's for your friends and you want food; that's why there's an entire buffet out right?"

I have to laugh.

"I promise you won't get too hungry on our walk. We won't go too far."

"Where are we going?"

He smiles because he knows I'm already on board.

It's my chance to give him a chance. One that feels natural and not forced.

"Nowhere in particular just want to talk to you. I'm a little selfish and want you to myself right now."

I'm pretty sure my pupils dilate. My blood skyrockets — because I'm putty. "Lead the way."

"I should have you lead. I'm new, remember?"

He teases, and he's got his hand out for me to take. Not trying to think much on it, I go ahead and accept it.

It's the first hand I've held.

Besides the girls' and Danny's.

I don't think I even held James' hand before.

His hand is firm, the flesh tight around his long fingers, and he's got a deep vein going from his wrist to his index finger.

There's something about that vein in which it fascinates me.

I don't realize how tense my arm is until we start walking and I can feel the tremors going into my hand. Yellow smiles at me, looking down at our hands entwined.

"You don't have to be nervous. It's just a walk."

"Will you be holding onto my hand the entire time?"

"Just to the door. Unless you don't mind. I like your hand in mine."

That's when I take it away from him. My cheeks feel as if they've caught fire.

He chuckles as I walk past him. "I'm sorry, Noa!" He laughs but follows me.

I don't know why, but I'm going back into Jinnie's house from the back and I'm walking out the front door and then stop.

To wait for him.

"You really don't like your party?" He meets up beside me, keeping up my pace as we walk down the steps onto the long narrow drive.

It's not yet chilly like it probably is in the other cities nearby, but eventually it will catch up. Our usual bright green trees are finally changing, late as always.

"I don't like socializing. It's not my thing. I don't get people and people don't get me. Once I open my mouth, I'm pissing someone off."

He laughs.

"What's funny?"

"That's what Clive said when I asked him what his problem was. That you open your mouth, and it pisses him off."

Anger must flash in my eyes because yellow stops and takes my hand again.

"I like when you open your mouth."

The tingles the reverberate my entire body in this moment.

"I like that dress. It's different from the other girls." He can't stop sweeping his eyes over me.

"Right, that's me. So different."

He shakes his head.

"I wasn't trying to imply that. I do like that you stand up for yourself. That's cool."

"I'm different and I'm cool. Awesome. I've really scaled my way up."

"Why aren't you into the spotlight like your other friends?"

I snort. Because then everyone will know how pathetic my entire family is. But I don't tell him that. Yellow seems nice, but it could be an act. Danny and the girls like to see the good first, but it was me who looked for the bad.

What did Peter Haim do when he was alone? What did Peter Haim think about?

That is what you want to know in a person. What they're thinking; if I could have any power, it would be to read the minds of people.

Peter and I are already taking off down the sidewalk of Jinnie's street.

Should I walk him to my house? I guess it's a destination.

I start downward, heading towards Court's house.

"The girls are like that because they're obsessed with attention and their favorite subject is boys."

"And what's yours?"

"My favorite subject?"

"Food," the both of us say in unison, as I can't help but swat at his stomach.

"You said it too!" he reminds me, and I agree.

"Sorry. I just don't like being"—

"The spotlight."

"It's all I ask,"

"So, I'm assuming that's your main problem with me; I've put you on everyone's radar as my crush."

"You didn't think it would?" I mean, I'm not ugly, but I'm definitely not set up to look like I was going to be someone's perfect match anytime soon. I barely felt seventeen. I don't know why everyone was trying to rush me.

"I'm new. So technically no, I didn't. I didn't even know you and Clive have this years long nemesis type battle going on. Danny told me that, it was funny."

I remember the moment Clive and I became enemies and there wasn't s**t funny about it.

"It sounded funny to you?"

"I mean, yeah! The part where you were clueless."

"Clueless?"

Something flickers over his face...realization and he pulls back his statement. "Never mind, it was something Danny told me, but I see he didn't tell you." His head sort of c***s to the side as if he finds this odd. Then again, Danny withholding something from me is odd.

"Anyway, we're passing Court's house," I point to her giant blue vinyl home, equipped with a gray porch and a matching front door. He looks over to take it in.

"I heard you all live close. One friend on each street." I smile because I know that had to be another thing Danny had told him.

"Danny, and you must be close now to tell you everything."

"No, actually, that fact came from Clive." He chuckles again like there's another joke here I'm not getting.

"Clive knows that?" I guess I never thought it would seem like a big deal to anyone else outside of our circle.

"He's the one who told me, and that your house is coming up next when we turn."

I nod. I want to be freaked out he already knew where I lived, but I'm not.

"Want to go?"

He looks over toward the direction of my house. His eyebrows raise as he blows out a breath, looking down at me. "Like inside?"

I nod. "Yeah, I'm not going to have you walk to the porch and then back. That's pointless."

"Right. I don't mind, let's go." I'm not sure how, but by the time I'm walking through my front gate and up my porch steps, I realize I have Yellow's hand again. Pulling him behind me with a smile on my face. I don't even bother to see if my mom's home. If she is, she doesn't care to find out who I have over, even though his voice is deep, a little deeper than Danny's and very obviously not him. She doesn't care to even wish me a happy birthday, and I bite back that burn as I pass her room, to mine.

Yellow stays by my door the entire time, trying to respect my space. I show him things of mine and ask him what his room looks like. He says my room reminds him of Malia's kitchen. Floral and witchy, with remnants of past evidence of food being in here. Hell, I'm sure I got some candy, or some chips stashed somewhere.

Danny:Noa? Where Did you and Peter go? The girls don't believe me. I don't believe me.

Jinnie:Please tell me you did not go off on Peter and left? I don't see him.

Court:Where you at, b***h?

"You want to head back to the party?" Peter is suddenly in front of me. Completely in my room with me, and I realize he's shut my door.

My mouth is dry, "I guess we should." I manage to get out because I know he's looking at my lips.

It makes me do the same to him, and I blush.

I don't know why I didn't think this would happen.

"Noa?"

"Wassup Yellow?" He smirks a really tight grin and laughs, taking a step back.

"I don't want to scare you off. So, can I try to start over? Slower?"

"Sure?" What did he mean by that?

"Can I take you to get coffee?"

"Coffee?"

"Yeah, and pancakes."

"I don't like coffee."

"You were drinking coffee..."

"I like soaking my pancakes in it."

"Oh, okay, well, would you mind doing that with me?" He laughs. He's got confidence, how he talks, and how he stands next to me. I know we're different, but none of my friends are like me. They're all assured.

I envision instead of it being my mother and father with me having breakfast at that diner, it's Yellow and I. We don't have a child in my dream, but I can still picture him sitting across from me at a booth. I can envision us laughing and having fun.

I can't breathe...

"Sure, Peter. I'll go and have coffee and pancakes with you.”