Save Me

Trigger Warning: self harm "Never stop believing in hope because miracles happen everyday." "Hope is being able to see the light despite all of the darkness. Hope means hoping even when things seems hopeless." "There's always hope even when you're at the lowest point of your life. Just keep believing. And once you choose hope, anything is possible." Para sa iba nakakainspire ang mga salitang yan, punong puno ng pagasa, umaasa sa panibagong yugto ng kanilang mga buhay. Yung tipong hihintayin mo ang kinabukasan dahil umaasa ka sa panibagong araw na dala nito. Panghahawakan mo nga naman ang mga salitang habang may buhay may pag-asa. Pero para sakin, wala akong pakialam kung hindi ko na maabutan ang kinabukasan. I don't care about the future, what it holds and in store for me. Kung pwede nga lang hindi na ako magising kinabukasan eh, I'll gladly accept it and I'll be rejoicing in the after life. Ang negative ba? Well, this is my f*****g life and I don't care about it. "I'm leaving tonight, I'm heading to London." I just stared blankly at her. "Please behave while I'm away. I don't want to hear any news that you were rushed to a hospital because of your suicide attempts again. Please stop those drama." She exclaimed. I just ignored her. "And please don't get any more tattoos. Your skin is not a canvas." She added. Her name is Maddison and she is my mother. "Please lang Maze, stay away from trouble this time. Stop being rebellious, don't ruin yourself. Stop it already." "Just go Mom." Hindi mo din naman ako naiintindihan and you are not even trying to understand me either. Kung makapagsalita sya sakin parang alam nya ang mga pinagdadaanan ko. She doesn't have the idea. She was clueless. And more importantly, she didn't care about me. She heaved a deep sigh. Tinitigan nya ako nang may kung anong emotion sa kanyang mga mata. That kind of look has no effect on me. Not anymore. I've been living my life without her care nor her presence. So bakit kelangan nya akong pagsabihan ngayon? Tinalikuran ko nalang sya. I have a class after lunch. Tho my life is trash, I value my studies. I'm working on my academics, I maintained being a DL. Ito nalang ang pinapahalagahan ko sa buhay ko. I know it doesn't make any sense that I value my studies more than my life but that's all I care. I want to finish my degree. I want to be an Architect. Funny, right? I still have this f*****g dream. But my life is living in a nightmare. After kong magshower at magpatuyo ng buhok. Agad akong nagbihis. I just wore my faded skinny jeans, black printed shirt and my black low cut Chucks. I grabbed my sling bag and my plates. Ipapasa ko na to kay Prof. Lapuz. Ilang buwan nalang ay graduation na. Agad akong sumakay sa itim kong Strada pick up. I love this car, madami na kaming pinagdaanan nito. I even named my car Max. Sa sobrang dami ng pinagdaanan namin, pati bangin nabisita na namin. Nakipagface to face na din kami sa 3 P's, puno, poste at pader. Kawawa din naman si Max, laging nadadamay sa mga trip ko sa buhay. Well, atleast sya hindi ako iniiwan, I mean matatag sya at hindi pa bumibigay dahil sa mga damages. I admit, I have the tendency of hurting myself. I tried to harm myself with the intent to end my life, but I don't die. I attempted countless times but I always end up alive. Failed attempts and still breathing. I don't know if luck is really on my side everytime I do those but I'm not happy about it. My state of mind is in chaos. My mind is like a tunnel, the further you go into it, the darker it gets. And the deeper it gets, the darkest it becomes and the harder to be found. This is my nightmare and everyday I'm living with it. Parang ito nalang din ang bumubuhay sakin, this is where I get my strength to live, to see another day and to look forward for another tomorrow. I heaved a deep sigh and started the ignition. I drove beyond the normal speed limit, at dahil sa wrecklessness ko sa pagdadrive lagi kaming naaaksidente ni Max. Sometimes his wreck is beyond repair but I always find ways to fix him. Ayokong magpalit ng sasakyan, si Max lang ang gusto ko. Kahit ganon kalaki ang magagastos ko sa pagpapagawa sa mga damages nya, pipiliin ko padin syang isalba. I don't want another car. Pagdating ko sa St. Anthony University dumiretso na ako sa classroom at umupo sa upuan ko. Hindi ko pinapansin ang mga kaklase kong hindi ko lahat kilala and I don't f*****g care about them. Alam ko din naman na ayaw nila sakin. The feeling is mutual. I don't want any connection with hypocrites and talk s**t people. I don't want to deal with them. Wala akong friends and I don't need anyone of them. Pero may isang taong nagtyaga sakin, minsan gusto ko na syang ireal talk na ayaw ko ng kaibigan pero I learned to appreciate her effort and her intention towards me as time goes by. I know it's genuine. I know that she offered me a genuine friendship. "Maziekeen!" Iniisip ko palang sya nandito na pala sya agad sa tabi ko. Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay. "What?" Nakangiting mukha ni Queen ang sumalubong sakin. I just rolled my eyes at her. "May dala akong cake. Kainin natin mamayang break. I know it's your favorite." "Para san naman yang cake na yan? Do you need anything?" I frankly asked her. Umiling sya at nginitian ako. "Nagbake lang ako kanina kasi wala akong magawa and then I thought of bringing this for you. May snack s***h dessert tayo later." Tinitigan ko sya. Sya lang naman ang nagtyatyaga saken despite of my rough attitude towards her. Sometimes I think of her being a masochist, she just accepts my rough treatment and never complains about it. For a person like me she is like a ray of light that shines with positivity. I envy her for that, lahat siguro ng pinagdaanan nya ay masasaya. "Are you done with your plates?" I asked her. "Yup, natapos ko din sa wakas. Super struggle ako sa plate ko na yun Maze. Sometimes I really want to give up this course pero pag nakikita ko si Daddy, fear consumes me. I don't want to disappoint him." Natahimik ako. Daddy. Napakagat ako sa lower lip ko. "I'm not as talented as you are but I can bake yummy cakes and desserts." She smiled. "And you can't do that." She giggled and held my hand. She had this mannerism of holding my hand and caressing my wrist. Tinititigan nya ang tattoo ko sa wrist. It's a scripture. "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" Romans 8:18. She traced the skin of my tattoo. Alam nya kung ano ang nasa ilalim ng mga yun. My battle scars. Alam nya lahat ng mga pinaggagawa ko pero she doesn't know every story behind it. Hindi ko din intention na ipaalam sa kanya. That's too much for me to say. I'm not an open book to anyone kahit na kaibigan ko pa sya. Hindi naman kelangan na malaman pa nya ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. She is just a friend. Nang dumating si Prof Lapuz, binawi ko na ang kamay ko sa kanya at bumalik na din sya sa seat nya. At nang breaktime na namin, hindi nagpapigil si Queen na pumunta ng cafeteria para kainin ang dala nyang cake. Ayoko pa naman nagsstay sa lugar na madaming tao. Mapilit lang talaga tong si Queen. "Charan! Looks yummy right?" Excited nyang pinakita ang isang buong Triple Chocolate Cake. My throat went dry and I felt drooling by the look of it. Itsura palang mukhang masarap na. Queen never fails me when it comes to cakes. May talent talaga sya dito. At feeling ko kapag nagtayo sya ng business magiging successful ito. At hindi ako nagkamali ng matikman ko na ang cake na dala ni Queen. I felt heaven has finally within my reach. The cake is tastes so good. "This is heaven Queen!" Napangiti si Queen ng makita nya ang reaction ko. "Told ya so." Halos maubos namin ang cake na dala nya. The cake really tastes good. Wala akong ibang masabi kundi masarap. I went to the library after namin kumain, gusto kong magbasa. Hindi fan ng library si Queen kaya I went alone. Isa din ito sa favorite place ko dahil tahimik, nagkakaron ako ng peace of mind. Kaunti lang din ang nagpupuntang mga students kapag gantong oras. Patay oras kasi at for sure aantukin sila sa loob. I went straight to my favorite spot, sa bandang dulo lang ito ng shelves at may malambot na upuan at carpet kaya napakasarap tumambay dun while reading books. This is also my escape from reality. Books entertains me. The more I get engross with the book, the more I forget my surroundings. Reality is drifting away from my perception whenever I read books. It's my escape. "Maziekeen!! Don't hide from me!! I will find you My Princess!!" My knees are shaking and my tears can't stop from falling. If I got caught, what will happen to me? Is he going to punish me for being a bad girl? Is he going to whip my back or tie me in the basement? "Maziekeen! Stop hiding! I know where you are My Princess!!" Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig para pigilan ang pagkawala ng hikbi at iyak ko. Sasaktan na naman nya ako kapag nahuli nya ako. Alam ko na ang kahihinatnan ko kapag nakita nya ako. Nakikinita ko na ang dilim ng basement at ang amoy nito. Blood. My own blood. Napapikit nalang ako ng maramdaman ko ang paghawak ng kamay nya sa nanginginig kong braso. Halos hindi ko makita ang paligid ko dahil sa mga luha ko. I will meet hell again. Why is this happening to me? Am I a bad girl? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this kind of suffering? Fear and darkness consumed me. I lost my consciousness and when I woke up. The face of the devil is infront of me wearing his wicked smile and holding his weapon to torment and torture me. "Let's play My Princess!!" I closed my eyes when an excrutiating pain travelled on the surface of my bare skin that went through to the deepest pit of my innocent soul. "Ahhgg." Nagising akong pinagpapawisan at nanginginig. Napayakap ako sa aking tuhod habang walang tigil ang paglandas ng mga luha ko sa aking mga mata. Same nightmare. Hanggang kelan ko paulit-ulit na mapapanaginipan ang mga yun? Those memories keeps on haunting me. Minsan natatakot na akong matulog because of those nightmares. When will I ever forget those bad and painful memories? Just when? Kahit san kahit kailan, hinahabol ako ng pangit na mga alaala. Naglakad ako palabas ng library. My mind is clouded with those painful memories. The scenario keeps on reliving in my mind like it just happened a while ago. I can feel the pain. I see blood. I can feel the deep hollowed numbness in the center of my being. Nakarating ako sa rooftop ng isang building sa loob sa University nang hindi ko namamalayan. Naglakad lang ako hanggang makarating ako sa dulo. I stared blankly at the edge of the building. I took a step on the platform at feeling ko nakalutang na ako sa hangin. I see the clear sky and the feathery clouds that are scattered everywhere. The sky seems so calm the opposite of what I'm feeling right now. I felt the the embrace of the wind wrapped around my whole body, pakiramdam ko winiwelcome ako ng hangin sa isang lugar na maaari kong puntahan. Makakamit ko ba ang katahimikan na ninanais ko? Hindi ko na ba mararamdaman ang sakit at ang paghihirap na nararamdaman ko? Hindi ko na ba mararamdaman ang pagiging magisa at walang kasama? Matatakasan ko na ba ang mga bangungot nang buhay ko? Tumingin ako sa baba para tingnan kung anong meron kapag naglanding ako sa lupa. It is a concrete floor, hard and solid as rock. I can picture the outcome of my body when it hits the ground. It's morbid but I don't f*****g care. Ito na siguro ang solusyon sa pinapangarap kong peace of mind. I took another step, isang hakbang ko nalang, lulutang na ako at bubulusok pababa. Finally, a happy ending I truly deserve. I don't care anymore. I don't care about the people I will left behind. I don't care being an architect anymore. I don't care about myself anymore. I just want to end my suffering. I just want to be happy. If doing this will fullfill my desire of freedom, I'll gladly do it. I closed my eyes and extended my arms as if I'm gonna fly. One step and I'll be free. One step and I'll have the taste of freedom. Isang hakbang nalang na sana. "Holy s**t!!!" I heard a scream and before I took the final step I was aiming, someone grabbed my waist and pulled me away from the edge. I lost my balance and fell on someone's body. "f**k!!" I heard his curse. His? And before I set my eyes on the person who saved me. My mind went shut down and all I can see is black.