Save Me

3: Relieved

Nakatitig ako sa reflection ko sa salamin. Tumagilid ako para makita ang tattoo ko sa likod. Roses and thorns. Buhay na buhay kung titingnan ang mga pulang bulaklak sa aking balat, that's my goal. Halos half ng likod ko ang naoccupy ng tattoo na to. It was really painful when I had it, but that's basically the essence when I had this, to feel pain. Like the famous saying that pain demands to be felt like literally on my part.

Napatingin din ako sa bago kong tattoo sa wrist and I recalled the failed attempt that I did. Napailing ako. Kasalanan ng pakialamerong lalakeng yun. Bakit ba kasi sya nandun? Yan tuloy lagi akong sinusundan. He is really annoying.

Mabilis na akong nagbihis dahil may klase pa ako. I really value my study but at some point I'm getting tired of it too. Dumarating lang naman ako sa point na yun kapag hindi kinakaya ng utak ko ang mga attacks ko and whenever those haunted memories and nightmares are taking over my sanity.

Pagdating ko sa parking lot ng school, I saw the familiar car of that annoying man. Wala akong choice kundi ang magpark sa tabi ng sasakyan nya dahil walang ibang space. Parang imposible naman na occupied lahat ng parking space at ito nalang ang available.

I went straight to our classroom at mabuti nalang hindi ko nakita ang anino ng lalakeng yun. Agad akong tinabihan ni Queen ng umupo ako sa seat ko.

"May free food tayo para sa lunch later." Nakangiting bungad nya sakin.

"Free food?"

"Yup. Free food and it looks really masarap."

"Ikaw gumawa?"

"Nah. But I can't wait to taste it. It's actually hulog ng langit."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi ni Queen. Hindi ko kasi magets sinabi nya. Sometimes she spit non sense words. Napailing nalang ako sa kanya. Hindi padin naaalis ang ngiti sa labi nya.

After our class, Queen dragged me to the cafeteria to eat our free food daw. Nakita ko ang dala nyang paperbag at inilabas ang tatlong tupperware na mukhang branded pa.

"I'm excited!" She giggles.

"Hindi ba ikaw ang nagluto nyan?" Umiling sya.

Binuksan nya lahat ng tupperwares and to our amazement, nanlaki ang mga mata namin sa mga pagkain. Sa isang tupperware ay steak na may garnish pa, Pasta naman sa isang tupperware at sa isang tupperware ay mga cookies. Napalunok kami ni Queen sa mga nakikita namin.

"Hindi talaga ikaw ang nagluto nito ni Queen?"

"Hindi talaga ako. Kain na tayo Maze, nagkakarate na ang mga intestines ko."

And we ate our free lunch. Natuwa naman kami sa lasa ng mga pagkain dahil masasarap naman talaga. Ang galing naman ng nagluto ng mga yun. Ang sarap gawing Chef sa bahay.

Inililigpit na ni Queen ang mga tupperwares when my phone beeped. And my brows furrowed because it came from an unknown number.

Unknown Number

+9984127070

Hope you liked the food. :)

"The f**k?"

Napatingin sakin si Queen. "Why?"

"May nagtext saken, saying hope I liked the food. Just who the hell is this?"

I saw how Queen suppress a smile.

"Baka admirer mo Maze."

"I don't have one. I'll change number. Ayoko ng may nagtetext sakin na hindi ko kilala."

She averted her gaze and continue to clean up the mess. Bumalik na din kami sa room dahil malapit nadin magstart ang next class. Hindi ko din nireplyn ang nagmessage sakin. I even blocked his number, I realized that it's hard to change numbers because of my contacts. Good thing that there is an option of blocking unwanted numbers. I felt relieved.

I'm contemplating with myself if I will stay in the library to study kasi ayaw ko pang umuwi, baka kasi bigla na naman akong makatulog at pagising ko inaatake na naman ako ng kabaliwan ko. I won't allow that to happen again. Someone witnessed my vulnerable self and even saved me from the brink of death. Part of my brain is screaming because I'm still alive but I don't want to entertain it. It will give me false hope. It will give me hope that it is still worth living and that I do matter in this cruel world.

Napatingin ako sa kalangitan dahil nakita ko ang unti-unti nitong pagdilim. Mukhang sa library na ako magstay kesa abutan ako ng ulan sa labas. Mabuti nalang at kunti lang ang mga students malamang excited silang magsiuwian. Pagkapasok ko ng library umiwas ako sa favorite spot ko dahil hindi maganda ang effect sakin ng pwesto na yun. Nakakatulog ako at binabangungot ako. Nakita ko ang vacant space sa may bandang dulo kaya dun ako pumwesto.

I started reading my books and jotting down notes when someone grabbed the chair infront of me and occupied the empty seat. Nagtaas ako ng tingin para makita kung sino ang makapal na mukha na nakiupo. And my brows furrowed even more when I met the gaze of that dumbass man. Nakangisi pa ang gago.

"I assume that this seat is available." He stated.

"I assume that you are an asshole." I answered. Mas lumawak pa ang ngisi ng gago. Makita ko palang ang mukha nya nabibwisit na ako.

Umupo pa talaga sya sa upuan na yun. May mga dala din syang mga books at back pack. Alam palang gamitin ang library. Sabagay top student daw eh. Kukunin ko na sana ang mga gamit ko para iligpit at umalis pero naisip ko, if he is here to annoy me then I'll return the favor. I'll annoy the hell out of him too. Patibayan nalang kami. Hindi ako magpapatalo sa kumag na to.

"Hindi mo kasama si Queen?" Tanong nya.

"Nakikita mo ba syang kasama ko?" I asked.

"Oo nga noh, mag-isa ka nga lang pala."

I rolled my eyes to show him my irritation. I heard him chuckled. Anong nakakatawa?

"Bakit mo naman ako niblocked? Isang message palang yun nablocked mo na ako agad." Nakangusong saad nya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya dahil sa kanyang sinabi. So sya ang nagtext sakin.

"Pano mo nakuha number ko? Hindi ako nakikipagtextmate sa hindi ko kilala."

"Ilang beses ko ng sinabi pangalan ko ah. Hindi mo pa din ako kilala?"

"As if I care. Now tell me who gave you my number?"

"Uhm. Secret." At ngumisi pa ang gago.

I let out a deep sigh and ignored his presence. Wala na akong pakialam kung nasa harapan ko sya. I'll just act like he is invisible.

"Mukhang uulan na, may dala ka bang payong?"

Hindi ko sya pinansin. Hindi naman sya nagbabasa ng dala nyang books. What's his business here? Just to show off? Napailing nalang ako.

"Can you unblock my number? Please."

I ignored him. Bahala syang magsalita dyan mag-isa. I stayed focus on what I'm reading. I saw him using his phone and I think he is playing some online game.

"Tang ina! Ang bobo ni Clayton sabi ng retreat eh." He uttered. Tiningnan ko sya ng masama dahil sa lakas ng boses nya.

Mahina ang volume ng game na nilalaro nya pero nadidistract ako sa mga mura at mga sinasabi nya.

"Awit! Bobo ampota!"

He cursed again. Napatingin ako sa mukha nyang nakakunot ang noo dahil sa inis. Ang affected naman nya masyado sa nilalaro nya. And seriously, dito pa talaga sya sa library naglaro.

"MVP nga talo naman. Kaasar! Kotongan ko itong si Clayton eh. Pabuhat!"

"Will you shut up? You're annoying. Library to mister hindi game room."

"Iunblock mo na number ko. Sige na. Please."

"Ano bang kelangan mo sakin? Why do you keep on pestering me? Wala kang kinalaman sa buhay ko kaya pwede ba tigilan mo ako Mister."

Humalukipkip ito at tumitig sakin. I felt uncomfortable from the way he stares at me. No, sa mga mata nya ako hindi kumportable. Those brown eyes were deep like the ocean, Oh! I noticed his brown eyes.

"I want to be your friend." He stated.

"I don't need a friend. I have Queen. She's my friend."

"A guy friend."

"I don't need a guy friend."

He let out a deep sigh. I rolled my eyes and went back on my book. I'm aware that his presence has an effect on me and also on my well being. I don't know his intentions and I don't want to entertain it.

Nagulat nalang ako nang biglang kumulog. Mukhang malakas na nga ang ulan.

"Mukhang malakas na ang ulan sa labas. Do you have an umbrella?" He asked again.

"I have a car."

"Not unless your car was parked just outside the lib. You won't get drenched." Nakataas pa ang isa nyang kilay.

"Stop talking to me, will you?"

"Gusto ko pa sanang maglaro kaya lang ang bobo ni Clayton eh. Pabuhat eh."

"As if I care."

"I know you don't." He smirked.

Nasa ganon silang paguusap ng biglang namatay ang ilaw sa loob ng library. Nagsigawan ang mga students dahil sa nangyari.

"What the hell?!!"

"Ohh."

"Hala! Nagblack out!"

"Wala bang generator?!"

My body froze when suddenly the lights went off. I hate darkess, I'm scared of it. It brings back the nightmares that keeps on haunting me. My body started to quiver, flashbacks are rushing in my mind like a movie scene and my tears started to fall. And my breath becomes heavy and I know I'm starting to loose my mind.

"The f**k! Ang tagal naman bumalik ng ilaw!" He exclaimed.

I heard his voice. I know where he is. I know I'm not alone in this darkness. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel him.

"Don't.."

"Leave me."

My voice came out like a whisper. I held his arms. I touched his bare skin. I felt his warmth. As soon as I felt his warmth it sent something through my entire body and I felt a relief. I felt safe.

Alam kong nararamdaman nya ang panginginig at panlalamig ng mga kamay ko.

"I'm here, I won't leave you." I heard his soft and calm voice.

His voice is calming and the soothness of it brought my senses back. Katulad ng biglang pagliwanag ng paligid ko.

"Yown!!! May ilaw na ulit."

"Yes!!!"

I met his gaze when the lights went on. Nabawasan na ang panginginig ng katawan ko at unti-unting bumagal ang paghinga ko pero hindi ko mapunasan ang mga luhang dumaloy sa aking mga mata. Hindi padin ako makagalaw.

"Do you want water?" He asked. Nakatitig sya sakin na may bakas ng pagaalala sa kanyang mga mata.

Hindi ako makasagot. Nakatitig ako sa kamay kong nakahawak sa may wrist nya. Hindi ko pa makagawang alisin ang pagkakahawak ko sa kanya. His warmth brings comfort on my well being. I can't let go.

Hindi na din sya gumalaw at hindi na ulit nagtanong. Hinayaan lang nya akong hawakan sya. Maybe he is waiting for me to calm down. Hinihintay nya akong makarecover.

Unti-unti nang bumalik sa ayos ang paghinga ko pati ang senses ko. Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang pagkakahawak ko sa kanya. Nakatingin lang sya saken and he didn't move.

"Kukuha lang ako ng tubig. Ok na bang iwan kita sandali? I'll be quick."

I nodded in response. At agad syang umalis.

"Here." He opened the bottled water and handed it to me when he returned. "Drink this."

Iniabot nya sakin at tinanggap ko naman ito. Dahan-dahan akong uminom. Unti-unti nading bumalik ang paghinga ko at nawala na ang panginginig ko. Napatingin ako sa kanya ng may inabot syang panyo. Saka ko lang narealized na basa ang mukha ko dahil sa mga luha ko kanina. Kinuha ko ang panyo nya at pinunasan ang aking mukha.

He didn't ask anything after that. We remained silent. And I don't have the power to answer his questions if he has any. My silence is enough to inform him that I don't want to talk about what he witnessed from me. Again.

Just how many f*****g times he will witness my vulnerability? Why is he always there when I'm at my weakest? Why it has to be him during at my worst times? And why am I feeling at ease, relieved and comfort when he is around? Just why?

Iniligpit ko na ang mga gamit ko at gusto ko ng umuwi. I felt drained and exhausted.

"I-I'm going home."

Tumayo nadin sya at kinuha ang mga gamit nya.

"Let's go."

Paglabas namin ng Library, malakas padin ang ulan. Wala akong choice kundi ang maglakad papunta sa parking at wala din akong choice kundi ang mabasa. I don't bring umbrella because I have Max. But at times like this I regret for those little things that I always missed.

"Can you hold this for me for a while. Please?" Nagulat ako ng bigla syang magsalita at iniaabot ang mga gamit nya including his backpack. "I'll be quick."

At pagkakuha ko ng mga gamit ko, agad syang tumakbo sa ulan leaving me dumbfounded and confused. What the hell is he doing? Bakit sya nagpaulan?

Bumalik syang basang basa at may dalang payong. Agad nyang inabot sakin ang payong.

"You can use this."

Nag-aalangan akong kinuha ang dala nyang payong.

"Gamitin mo yan papunta sa sasakyan mo. Gusto kitang ihatid kasi alam kong hindi ka ok but I know you will refuse. I just want to make sure that you will come home safely. So, please unblock my number and let me check if you're safe or send me a message. Please."

Nakatitig ako sa kanyang mga mata and I saw his sincerity so I nod in response. Kinuha nya ang mga gamit nya sakin kahit na mababasa din ang mga yun.

"Thank you." He said.

"Thank you." I murmured without looking at him.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko and I unblocked his number. I showed it to him and he smiled.

Tiningnan ko muna sya bago ako naglakad papunta sa parking. And while walking I can feel my heartbeat thumps like crazy. Just what is this? Ok naman na ako. Lumipas na ang attack ko.

Pagkasakay ko kay Max, umupo muna ako and stayed still for a while. Then I drove my way to my condo.

And because I'm afraid of the dark, maliwanag ang condo ko. I don't sleep with the lights off.

Papasok na ako sa kwarto nang tumunog ang phone ko. Unregistered number.

Unknown number

+9984127070

Just checking if you're home.

I replied.

"I'm home."

"I'm relieved. Please rest well."

"Thank you."

"See you tomorrow."

Hindi na ako nagreply. I changed his name to Mr. Stranger. Hindi ko naman sya kilala. But I'm thankful for his presence.

I turned on the lights when I entered my room. Eto ang kelangan ko. Liwanag. Just when I thought that everything is doing ok, it is also the time when everything is f****d up. Just how dark my past is.