Illicit Cravings

One year ago... I felt slightly fuzzy, my body hummed in drunken lust, everyone around me was too sweaty and too close. My dance partner gyrated his sculpted body with mine and I purred under his caresses. His hands were all over my body, I was high, kissing his full lips, feeling his hunger as he deepened our kiss. Linc, Maxwell, Ronnie, oh hell... I was not even going to try to call him by his name anymore. My brain seemed too intoxicated to think. “Reid, babe, you want to get out of here?” the sexy unnamed man asked, kissing my neck while his hands slipped under my worn and slightly too-tight T-shirt, feeling my naked back. “Hmm...” I hummed, still wrapping my hands at the back of his neck letting him sensually kiss, suck and lick my throat. Goddamn, I loved it, it was a good party favor. Was it the little blue pill? Or maybe it was the bright pink ones? Oh, f**k it. I was dancing it off just like half of the people on the dance floor. The club was packed with students and strangers, it was the nearest gay bar within campus limits and after midterms ended, all the gays decided to flock here, my dancing partner included. He was the campus jock, and I was the party animal, all wild and free, like the little rich boy that I was. Just turned twenty, still a freaking virgin, thinking if I should let the guy poke me. “Why don’t we go to my car? We can blow each other off,” I said, biting his ear after pulling him down and nibbling on it. “Let’s go.” That was all it took for my night at the club to end. Rick, Eric, Adam, oh...fuck it, why was I even trying? I finished my bottled water and let him grab my waist and ushered me away from the dance floor. “f**k, you’re so f*****g beautiful,” the big football player whispered as he grinds his body with mine. My car was tinted, and he was grabbing my body, unbuttoning my jeans, stroking my d**k and I moaned like the little w***e that I was. “Babe, damn...” His mouth voraciously sucked my c**k and I let out an “...nnggh,” while he smirked, moving his hands to my legs, and they languidly parted wider to make space for him. I was high, I was hard, I was forgetting all of my failures. And it didn’t take long before I climaxed. Then he moved up to f**k my mouth until I swallowed his load. I still didn’t get his name when he left me half-naked in my car in the darkening parking lot. I locked my doors, cleaned my body with my stash of baby wipes and tears started falling as I drowned myself back in depression. It took me another hour of trying to get rid of my sluggishness before I gave up and called my driver to pick me up. Less than an hour later, we’d arrived at my place. I let him help me into my apartment and scolded me for partying too hard. “Mr. Ryker, you should stop making your parents worry about you.” “Pfft, please Miller, you know that nothing I do will make them worry.” I felt like a true brat the second the words left my mouth. “And stop calling me Mr. Ryker. I’m not that old.” Miller has been with my family since I was still in elementary. He was the only one who really knew about what happened and the only one that I’d let scold me. The man didn’t say anything further, he put two bottled water on my side table, took off my shoes, and tucked me in before turning off the lights. “I’ll get your car and put the keys on the kitchen counter. I’ll see myself out.” I rarely drive, almost never. Last night was the couple of times that I decided to take my car to go to a club since I didn’t want Miller lecturing me about clubbing and hooking up with random strangers. “Thanks, Miller,” I mumbled and drifted off to sleep. The sun was barely up when my nightmare was back. I woke up, my body drenched with sweat, my hands shaking, my chest twisted with indescribable pain. “Fuck.fuck.fuck.” I sat up and took a deep breath, trying to relax but failed multiple times before I finally managed to feel a bit better and breathe a bit easier. “I can’t do this anymore, f**k you, Landon, f**k you, for leaving me.” I sobbed, cursing at my dead brother, and hugged myself. It was minutes later that I got out of bed, wobbled my way to the bathroom to grab my sleeping pills. I just needed to sleep it off, I needed to let the feelings go away. I could still hear my dad’s voice in my head. His disappointment was as clear as day. My body relaxed as I took a handful of pills and washed them down with tap water. I looked at myself in the mirror, bags under my eyes, nose red from too much crying, lips still puffy from my last hookup. My apartment was still dark when I managed to get out of the bathroom, the chill was too much when I dropped back to my bed and cocooned myself under the covers, waiting for the pills to take me into the darkness. My fingers still wrapped the pill bottle like a lifeline, I had been thinking about it too many times already. It would be easier, my parents would be happier. Without thinking further, I took the rest of the pills, emptied the bottle, drank the water left by Miller, and closed my eyes once again. This time I was smiling as the darkness finally came to me. I thought I’d be free. Instead, I woke up with tremendous pain in my chest and my stomach. I was lying on a hospital bed. Miller was to my side, while my parents were at the end of the bed talking to a doctor. “Fuck.” I breathed out my curse. Miller shook his head, telling me quietly that my parents were in the room. I was still alive, stupid...stupid...stupid, I couldn’t even kill myself the right way. “Welcome back, my son, you didn’t die. Thank you, Miller, for checking up on Reid. Now that you’re awake, we will leave you to Dr. Wagner and Miller. He will stay with you until you’re better.” My parents didn’t explain themselves further, and I didn’t need to know, they were probably sick of me already. I know mom would probably be busy with dad’s staff making sure her pill-popping son’s incident didn’t reach the media. Miller put his hand on mine, the second my parents and Dr. Wagner went out of the door. “Hey, how are you feeling?” “Not dead,” I said, my voice croaked, and I flinched from the raw pain in my throat. “Yeah, sorry about the pain, but they have to pump your stomach here,” Miller helped me with a glass of water, and I slowly drank the liquid. My throat still hurts but it was better. “When can I get out of here?” “They’re keeping you overnight for observation. Tomorrow we can go back to your place. Your parents pulled some strings for not keeping you here for the psych evaluation. But there’s a mandatory visit that will be scheduled, and I’ll personally take you there.” I groaned and looked at him. “You have a family, you don’t need to do this.” Miller loved his little family, I know because he told me so, and I didn’t want to make him stay with me longer than necessary. His family needed him to be home. “I volunteered. I told your dad you need someone there with you. At least for a couple of days, Gia will understand.” Gia was his wife. He introduced me once when she came to pick him up last year. He’d talked about her now and then, she even baked me a cake for my birthday last year and Miller dropped it off at my apartment. “You’re a good guy, Miller.” “So your near-death experience gets you all sappy, now?” he teased as I huffed back to lay back on the pillow, and he laughed, telling me to rest while he was going outside to get some coffee. But he turned around when he reached the doorway and continued his words. “Look, just don’t do it again, okay? You only live once, you shouldn’t want to end it soon.” I conjured my best smile and gave him that. I wished I had the same vision of life as he did. Maybe I’d try better next time.