Defending Deanna

Chapter 12

Deanna

After I wallow in misery for a while I sneak into my bathroom and take a bath and clean up. I feel more human and less hung over, but I am still mortified and want to avoid Ryker. I haven't heard him moving around so I sneak to the kitchen to grab some coffee before I hide in my room for the rest of my life. If I’m in my room, he can still secure me and then I can keep up my end of the bargain and still not have to look him in the eyes again. In my rush to stir my coffee and get back to my room, I accidentally spill it on myself.

"Crap, dang it!"

Of course, that has to happen now when I need to be fast. That is just my luck.

"So, I guess the hangover has kicked in.”

I jump and turn around to see Ryker standing in the doorway looking way to pleased with himself for startling me. "You scared me."

He smiles. "I'm sorry I wasn't trying… honest."

I can't help but smile. He used to say that when we were kids. He could be so stealthy. He would sneak up on me all the time and every time it was that same line. The bashful look on his face did it every time for me and I couldn’t stay mad at him ever.

He could be so quiet and unassuming sometimes he seemed to be able to disappear almost before people’s eyes. He was able to blend in and not draw much attention to himself. I always assumed it was because at his home being unnoticed could save him hassles and issues with his mom’s newest loser guy.

Somehow though his ability to blend in never really worked with me, my eyes were always drawn to him. I couldn’t seem to help it.

The memory of everything he now knows about me comes back and the smile drops off my face fast. I need to get away as fast as possible.

"Well, I should be going back to my room. I have work to do. I have a deadline, so you probably won't be seeing me much today.” I grab my not sweetened coffee and rush by him on my way to my room.

"De,"

I stop. Why did he have to say that? Of all the things that's the one that I can't ignore. I don't turn around though I can't look him in the eye. "Huh"

"You aren't trying to hide after what we talked about last night are you?"

I cringe. When did he become so perceptive? I had been hopelessly in love with him for years. That he missed forever, but this, this he freaking figures out.

"You don't have anything to be embarrassed about."

I cringe again. "I know you're trying to help but you are a normal attractive guy so you don't get to tell me what I can be embarrassed by ok.” I say with my back to him.

“You think I’m attractive?”

I snort. “I think we both know that you’re a decent looking guy. Let’s not pretend.” That was pretending a bit anyway because he was much more than a bit attractive.

"De, I can't even imagine what all you went through for those 2 months. I will never ever judge you for how you handle anything to do with that. You are a rockstar in my book. You survived when others may not have been able to. You are awe inspiring."

Tears prick my eyes. There are days I feel like a rockstar. There are days when I’m reminded of how strong I am and then there are moments when I’m curled into a ball and a mess, and I feel so incredibly weak.

"There is nothing that you have to feel ashamed about. Don't hide from me."

I turn back around but avoid his eyes. "I never wanted to share that with anyone. It's so stupid that I can't let it go."

He takes a step closer to me. “No, it's not. What you went through, of course that kind of thing will be hard. It's got to be incredibly triggering."

I bite my lip. I still haven't been able to look him in the eye.

"I thought about it last night and this may sound a bit crazy, but do you trust me?"

I don't even hesitate. I trust him completely. I always have. "Yes."

I’m again reminded of the boy that I always loved. As teens before everything was shattered, we had started to grow closer and we would sometimes go out together as friends and when he would get a risky or sneaky idea about something he would always ask if I trusted him, and my answer was always yes, no hesitation at all. I always knew he would take care of me.

"Did he ever kiss you?"

I know immediately who “he” is. There's only one him Ryker could be talking about.

"No, he made me do other things, but kissing wasn't part of it."

I had always been relieved about that. To my teenage mind at the time kissing was so romantic and what happened in that basement wasn’t at all romantic. It would have felt even worse if he had made me do that and I was happy that one thing was untouched by the horror.

"Okay, then maybe you should start with kissing someone. Kissing can be fun and sexy and exciting."

“I just don't think I can."

“Why not?”

I bite my lip and then sigh. “Kissing is never just kissing especially at our ages. Kissing is the start but there is usually a follow up expected and I don’t want what comes after the kissing.”

“What if no more than a kiss was expected?”

I wish it were that easy. It wasn’t like I never wanted to kiss anyone. I have heard all these romantic stories from my friends in college about all the guys they kissed. I want that sometimes, but I also heard about all the times they were pressured for more or how much the guys expected it to be more. I just didn’t have it in me to deal with that. It was easier to just avoid guys completely.

“I don’t know if I could trust someone to respect my boundary about that.”

"What about if I kiss you?"

I freeze. I’ve wanted to kiss him for years. I dreamed about it. But I don’t want a pity kiss from him. I want him to kiss me because he wants it more than his next breath and because he can’t stand not doing it. Not because he feels he has to take that bullet.

“Really Ryker, I don't need a pity kiss from you. Ok"

“De, look at me please."

I cringe and I would just ignore him because I don’t want to see the pity shining in his eyes but the please makes me give in to him.

I take a deep breath and then meet his eyes.

“I don't pity you. But I care about you and we're close. Maybe you can trust me to show you what you're missing. If you don't want that it's ok. My ego can take the hit. But you deserve to know what passion is and if I can help you see that then I want to do that."

I bite my lip again. I wanted to kiss him so many times. I never imagined that I would have the opportunity and then after everything that happened, I didn't think I could handle it but if I could let anyone touch me like that it would be Ryker. I trust him completely and I know that he would never force me to do anything I don't want to. And that's the hardest part I don't know how to want that. After what I went through, I have never felt the want to be touched by someone in that way. But maybe I could with Ryker.

He's in an interesting position. He knows me better than most and he was there when it all happened and he knows some of what happened, he knows enough to understand how hard this is for me. I know he cares about me, even if it's just as a friend, I know he'll respect me and my limits and boundaries.

"Just a kiss?"

He smiles at me. "Just a kiss and if after that you want to stop, we will and we never have to speak of any of this ever again. I promise."

I’m tempted. It's not like I haven't been curious what feeling touch from someone could feel like, but it always fills me with dread. But if I could feel something to break through the trauma in my heart, I believe Ryker could do it. He makes me feel happy and safe and even in my darkest moments he could reach me.

“Promise if it makes me uncomfortable, you'll stop?"

“I promise. And I won't touch you with anything but my lips unless you touch me first."

My stomach is somersaulting but for the first time in years it might be from excitement and not dread.

I look deep into his eyes. He looks serious and real. I believe that he means what he says.

"Ok"

"Trust me?"

Again, I don't hesitate. "Yes"

"Ok then close your eyes."

My nervousness goes up but so does my excitement. If I can take a leap with anyone, I want it to be Ryker. As a normal girl before my nightmare happened, I truly believed that Ryker would be my everything.

As a preteen my first awareness of attraction and want in a boyfriend were awakened by Ryker. I didn’t even fully understand what I wanted back then I just knew I wanted it all with him. Maybe he can give me that again. I want that more than anything and maybe, just maybe there's a chance that he can wake something up in me again. Something that was broken by the monster of my nightmares.

I take a deep breath and take a leap and close my eyes.