Defending Deanna

Chapter 19

Deanna

As I head for a table, something feels off to me. I don't understand the reason for the strange feeling, but the way Maddox dismissed me set me on edge.

I’m not a child, why does he always treat me like I am? I know some of it is my fault. After what happened, I let him baby me because I felt so much safer when he was around, and he hovered and protected me whenever I needed it. I am so grateful for his care and devotion to helping protect me, but I am a grown woman.

I don't have the heart to throw all my brother’s sacrifices back in his face, but I hate being made to feel like my life isn't my own. It reminds me of how I felt while I was locked in that basement. There I was a prisoner and a toy. I didn't get to make many choices of my own, that's why the few secrets I kept from my captor were everything to me. I cherished every private detail that I was able to keep to myself. Every one of them felt like a tiny victory to me during my captivity.

I know Maddox isn't trying to control me. He’s just trying to keep me safe but still it bothers me sometimes. I just want my own life and to be free. I’ve never kept many secrets from him, so until now I didn’t rub me the wrong way as much but now that I have Ryker, I need to keep that hidden for now and so my brothers’ control over my life is extra grating.

I glance at the guys and my stomach flips when I look at Ryker. I can see Ryker doesn't look very happy. I wonder what they're talking about.

Ryker is such a surprise to me. I never imagined I could feel so heated with anyone after what happened to me. I have barely been able to think about being intimate with anyone without my monster invading. I always felt I was too broken to possibly let anyone touch my body. I made up my mind years ago that I will probably be alone forever. I am too damaged and fragile, but Ryker makes me feel alive and on fire. He strokes a fire inside me that made me want to totally combust.

My mind goes back to that morning and how it felt to feel him hard and eager pressing against my most intimate areas. It was amazing.

I don't know if I will be able to give him myself completely, but I want to. If I can with anyone, I truly believe it will be him, but I fear even he can't help get me past my trauma.

I watch Ryker walk past Maddox and head to the bar. I assume he must be getting us drinks.

My heart sinks as he starts talking to a glamorous woman at the bar. He sits on the stool next to her and it makes me feel sick.

Maddox joins me a second later.

"Hey sis. I'm starving, wanna get some wings and fries and onion rings and maybe some mozzarella sticks?"

I have officially lost my appetite. But I can't admit that because my brother wouldn't know why I am nauseous suddenly. "Sure, where's Ryker?"

Maddox smiles. "I hooked him up with a friend of a friend. He's been so busy putting in overtime, so I figured he deserved a night off."

My stomach turns again. I almost forgot I’m just a job to Ryker. He is being paid to keep me safe. A dark thought enters my head. Maybe he is only kissing me because I’m there and maybe he figured it would let him stay closer to me so his job would be easier. Does he even want to be with me, or am I just convenient?

"Wow that's something else huh."

My brother smiles. "There are perks to being best friends with the boss and doing me a favor."

I am a favor. Ryker is protecting me not because he cares for me but because my brother asked him to.

"I'm gonna go order at the bar be back in a minute."

I nod but don't say anything.

I glance at Ryker again. The woman is beautiful. She has long legs and is wearing a cute low cut cocktail dress. I glance down at my own t-shirt and loose knee length skirt and feel so inadequate in comparison. That woman is probably normal and can actually have s*x with him without having a panic attack. How do I even compete with someone like her? That's what it came down to though, I don't compare. I don’t stand a chance.

I watch as the woman puts her hand on Rykers arm and pats him. I hate the fear that fills me.

I’m not ready for things with Ryker to end, he is the first person that has been able to get truly intimate with me, what if nobody else ever can? Do I risk ending things with Ryker? We aren't even really dating but just having fun. He doesn’t owe me any fidelity, but can I continue what we’ve been doing when he is also going home with someone like this woman?

I know that it will kill me to share him with someone else especially someone so much prettier and more normal than I can ever even hope to be. I don't know if I can ever actually have s*x with him. How long will he be happy with that when he can get more from much more beautiful and together women?

Maybe it’s a good thing we can have our fun and he can get things I can’t handle from other women then he wouldn’t expect it from me, but I don’t want to share him. I don’t know if I can handle knowing he is going to another woman’s bed to make them feel as good as he made me feel.

I don't know what I should do, but I have tonight to figure it out since he is going to leave with the stylish woman he is flirting with.

I’m not ready to stop kissing him, but I don't know if I have it in me to be his dirty little secret that he’s only with me out of pity or some sense of duty. I want to have more self-respect than that, but I’m not sure I have that luxury. He has been the only person ever to be able to touch me without sending me scurrying like a scared rat.

What if nobody else ever can? Can I give that up even when it would break me to share him? How long can I handle only having part of him?

******

Ryker

I smile at the beautiful woman who is in front of me. Alessandra is definitely a knockout. At any other time, I would have enjoyed having a night with her.

She smiles back at me. "When Lana mentioned you, she didn't at all do you justice."

"You are very beautiful yourself. Any guy would be lucky to spend time with you."

I mean it, she really is gorgeous. She has long dark hair and wide green eyes and some very voluptuous kissable lips.

The problem is that she doesn’t do anything for me. I’ve dated women like her before sexy and eager and fun. I know that I’ll have a good time with her, but at the moment all I can think about is Deanna and the way she moans and sighs when I kiss her. The feeling of her warm sexy body underneath me. I had thought that morning was a dream, because she felt so incredible against me. It has never felt that good with anyone before. It felt too good to be true, that’s why it was so easy to assume it was a dream. Just thinking about it turns me on again. Something that Alessandra doesn't do for me.

My body hasn't reacted to her much at all. It isn't her but my attraction and possible obsession with one particular girl. Deanna fills my mind completely. There isn't room for anyone else in there.

Alessandra places her hand on my arm. Usually, a touch from a beautiful woman would at least make things stir but not tonight.

I just want to get Deanna home and get into bed with her. I have been dreaming about it for years. I haven’t been able to think about much else since we agreed we will be sharing a bed. I want it all with her. I want to lose myself inside her, but I know that’s not an option any time soon. I will take what I can get though. I will live for the moments of her falling asleep in my arms when we break up.

Being touched by another girl feels wrong and makes me uncomfortable. I swear I feel Deannas eyes on me. I hate not knowing what she’s thinking about all this and what Maddox has told her about this set up.

"What do you do?"

"I work in security."

She licks her lips. "Like a security guard?"

"Not exactly, Maddox and I work for a private security firm. Basically, we do more bodyguard type stuff."

She smiles. "So, like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard?"

She has no idea how close that is to the mark because Deanna and I haven’t stayed professional either. "Similar"

She laughs. "I would love to have a strong sexy man guard my body."

She is putting out a lot of signals. She is clearly very interested, and, under normal circumstances, I would be just as interested but I’m not ready to let Deanna go, and she isn't the type of girl you cheat on. She is too special for that. "Do you have any security risks I should know about?"

Her eyes light as she smiles. "Well, I could have you check out my house...specifically my bedroom to see if you see any security risks...maybe you are just the man to help make sure my body is protected."

She seems like a nice girl, and she is very sexy, but I can’t get excited about her. "As incredible as that offer seems I'm actually seeing someone already."

"Oh, Lana said you were single. I'm so sorry."

I feel bad for shooting her down, but I can't go home with her. Not when my mind is completely taken up by someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to either woman. I should only go home with her, if I can give her my full attention.

I also won’t do that to Deanna. I care about her too much to put her in that position. I know it would hurt like hell if the situation was reversed and she went home with some random guy when she agreed to share my bed and we’d been fooling around for days.

"Yeah, it's kind of new. I'm sorry to have to say this. You are very beautiful and very sexy. If I wasn't already in something else, I would be very interested."

She smiles. "No, it's OK, I understand. Don't worry about it. Here's my card in case that situation ever changes."

She smiles and places her card in my hand.

I take it and smile at her.

"Well, I guess I should be going then. Don't hesitate to use that card." She says with a sensual wink.

I nod. I watch her leave and then glance back at the card in my hand. I know that Deanna and I aren't forever, but it doesn't feel right to keep this card while I am with her. I will be single again eventually. I need someone else for a distraction, but something tells me it won't matter, and Deanna will always have a hold on me.

I crumple the card and stick it in my now melted drink that I barely touched.

I turned and walked to my friends.

"Dude, you heading out?” Maddox asks at my approach. I try to meet Deanna’s eyes, but she won't look at me. My heart sinks.

"Well actually she got called away. So, it's on hold."

"Dang, I'm sorry Lana swore that she was available tonight."

I sit down next to Deanna in the booth. I want to grab her hand and get her attention and see what is wrong, but I know I can't. I knew hiding what we are doing would be hard but keeping my hands to myself just about kills me.

"It's no biggie. We'll get together some other time."

"I guess that means I'm off the hook tonight then. Maybe I'll hit up my girl and see if she misses me."

We stay and talk for a while longer and I try to get De invested and to talk to me, but she barely does, and she avoids my eyes.

She is upset and I know it has to do with my "date”, but I don't know how to fix it. I just hope I haven't ruined everything.