Defending Deanna

Chapter 9

Ryker

I worry about her as I drive her home. After that nightmare she had last night, I’m terrified that she's losing it and I want to lock her up in a tower and protect her forever. I know that's not exactly logical. But I wish I could kill the monster in her nightmares so that she will never have to worry that he could come for her again.

This morning I sat outside her room until the sun came up. I heard her working in her room and it calmed me a bit to know she wasn’t going to sleep again that night and she wouldn’t have to dream.

Once the sun came up, I was so keyed up I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to punch something, or someone. Before I moved in with her, I had a gym in my building, and I could go punch a bag for hours but that wasn’t an option at her place but the other day when I unpacked, I saw some weights in the closet. I assumed Maddox left them there for when he stayed over. I pulled those out and lifted until I felt better. It only helped a bit, but I was calmer when I finally met up with her to go to her appointment.

I glance at her again. She is resting with her head back and I worry some more. I’m so focused on my worrying that she startles me when she speaks.

"You can stop looking at me. I'm not glass. I'm not going to break."

"I know that.” I do mostly but still I worry. I can't help it. “Maybe we should tell your brother about what happened today."

She opens her eyes and glares at me. “Don't you dare Ryker. He worries enough as it is. I have spent years trying to show him that I'm ok. I am ok. I will probably always have hard moments but that's my cross to bear not his. He has put his entire life on hold to protect me. He gave up everything because he was so worried that I would be stolen away again. That was his choice, and this is mine. I don't need to worry him anymore. There isn't much I can do to keep him from worrying but maybe I can help him worry even a little less."

She does have a point. I’d seen my friends panic when he can't reach her if she's out of contact for a bit longer than he expects. The first few times she left the house after she was rescued, I was the voice of reason convincing her brother not to call the police every 5 seconds.

I was the one with Maddox when he realized that something serious had happened that night. The look of fear and loss on his face is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I was devastated by her being kidnapped but Maddox was crushed and almost lost himself during the months she was gone. I went by to check on Maddox every day and my friend fell deeper and deeper into despair every minute she was gone. He had been more like a dad to her than a brother. He worried about her and took care of her. He felt like he had been responsible for her staying safe and he had failed.

It had been torture watching Maddox suffer for those 2 months. He has spent every day since she was rescued protecting her and making sure he could keep her safe no matter what. Maddox truly believed that she was getting her life back completely. He had no idea she still had such awful nightmares or that she still had triggers as bad as today. It would kill him to know that.

"You're right. It's your life and it's your secret to tell. I won't tell him."

She sighs in relief. "Thank you.”

"Are you sure you're doing, ok?”

I meant after her nightmare and then the thing that happened in the DAs office. I had been staying vigilant while she was in the office but truthfully, I hadn’t expected much to happen at the DAs office. Of all places the DAs office should be one of the safest, then when i heard her freaking out, I had rushed in there. It might have been a strong reaction, but my bodyguard tendencies kicked in, not to mention my own overprotectiveness where she was concerned. I never thought of her as a sister the way Maddox did, but I always cared about her and wanted to protect her.

I hadn’t known what was going on, only that she was messed up and the DA had his hands on her. I didn’t want to overreact, but I would have taken him down in a flash if he hadn’t stepped back. She had been freaking out and I hated that I couldn’t fix it and slay all her demons.

"I'm getting through. It isn't easy but I'm ok."

I’m not sure I believe her. I worry that she's struggling more than anyone knows, and I’m scared she's gonna crash eventually and have a total meltdown. I just have to hope I’ll be there to catch her. I’m not sure I’ll survive if I fail her again.

******

Deanna

As soon as we get home I go to my kitchen and pull out my vodka. This feels like a drinking kind of night. If I can't curl into a ball and cry which is what I really want to do, then I will drink to forget the memories for a bit.

I pour a shot and knock it back. Ryker joins me in the kitchen. "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

"Well, I had a rough night and then a rough day, so I think I deserve to forget for a little while.”

"If that's what you want."

I can hear the judgment I’m his voice and see it in his eyes, but I don’t have the time to care. I’m so fried and shaky after my episode earlier.

I pull another glass, fill it and then push it at Ryker. He can join me and stop judging me.

He shakes his head. "Sorry I'm on security duty."

I roll my eyes. "Really? You're gonna make me drink alone? Not very gentlemanly of you."

"Well, nobody has ever accused me of being a gentleman."

I laugh. "Well, that's true.”

Maybe it was a bit harsh, but I’m annoyed. He is killing the buzz that I had barely started to create. Where did the fun guy go who made me laugh and who was up for anything? Oh yeah, he watched his friend get kidnapped and then their entire world fell to pieces around them. I sometimes forget that my kidnapping affected others too.

I grab the shot I poured for him and throw that one back as well. I don’t want to think about any of that or my dream or my freak out at the office and I especially don’t wanna think about the fact that I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face my monster, and what would happen if I fail to find that strength. It was all too much.

Ryker cringes watching me do the shots. He grabs the bottle.

"Changed your mind?"

He shakes his head. "No, but if you're going to drink yourself stupid at least make a drink.” He pulls some stuff out of my fridge and makes me a pretty drink.

I’m kind of surprised that he got on board so fast and is actually letting me do what I want to do. I can tell he doesn’t support my choice but still he’s letting me have my moment. It’s kind of a relief that I don’t have to fight to get the freedom to have a drink if I want to.

He passes me the drink, and I take a sip. It’s fruity and sweet and it hides the taste of the vodka pretty well. These I can get behind.

"Wow that's yummy. How do you know how to make drinks.”?

"How quickly they forget. Before Maddox started the security team, I was a bartender since I wasn't smart enough to get into college and I needed money."

I had forgotten because I didn't see him as much then. I kind of avoided him because he made me feel things and I needed to feel numb to get through the day. It makes me sad that he thinks he's stupid. He is so smart.

I remember what he was like in high school. He was the kind of guy that could have aced school, but nobody ever cared about him enough to make him study. His mom didn’t care if he even stayed in school. When he did try though he picked things up fast. He was brilliant.

"Oh yeah I remember now. We didn't see each other as much then. And you were plenty smart. You just hated school and your mom wasn't much of a motivator."

“True... I probably wouldn't have graduated but your mom also made me do homework with you guys when I was over there."

I laugh. "Yep, she did. She was even a good mom to kids she didn't give birth to. "

My mom is pretty awesome. She could be strict at times, but she was also very understanding and supportive. I miss the careful sweet mom I had before the kidnapping. After I was rescued, my mom was never the same and she has a weight on her shoulders she didn't have before.

He nods. "Yeah, your mom makes a pretty good substitute mom."

“That she does.”

All the thoughts of her mom’s sadness that hasn’t left me since I was kidnapped are just bringing me down. I’m more than ready to forget all the horrors that live in my head for tonight.

I pick up my drink and take a hardy gulp.