Defending Deanna

Chapter 17

Deanna

I come awake and feel arms around me and a hard body underneath my cheek. I hesitate for a second, but it doesn't trigger any dark feelings. I feel warm and comfortable.

I pick up a scent in the air and smile. It's Ryker. Of course, it's Ryker. I remember my dream and what happened afterwards. Being in his arms felt so incredibly right. It took me out of my head and all I could focus on was his lips on mine and my body against his.

I have never been able to get back to sleep after a dark dream but this time I did, and I slept better than I can remember. I felt so safe and content in his arms.

I lean into his neck and sniff his musky scent. There were also hints of my lavender soap, and it makes me smile. The soap smells more feminine than I would assume he would use, but he didn't complain that all I have is flowery soap. Smelling my own soap on him does funny things to me. It makes me imagine a world where we could be together for real. I try not to think those kinds of thoughts because eventually we will be done, and he will go in his way. He doesn’t owe me anything just because we are kissing now.

I kiss his neck, and I feel him shift under me. He moans softly in his sleep. The guttural and masculine noise makes my stomach feel funny.

Without taking a second to think it through, I kiss his neck again and lick him. He moans again and then his lips are on mine.

My stomach flips as it always does when he kisses me. The forcefulness of his demanding kisses feels incredible. I worried I might get triggered, but it just feels so good and knowing that I turn him on enough that even in his sleep he can’t control himself, makes me feel sexy and wanted.

He shifts me onto my back and he's above me as he continues to invade my mouth with his own. The kisses are scorching hot and send waves of arousal straight between my legs.

He pulls his mouth away from mine. I start to protest because I wasn’t done yet but the words die in my throat as he slides his lips to my neck. My eyes roll back. It feels so fantastic. He licks and sucks on my neck. I wrap my legs around him and use my heels to force him more against me. I don't want any distance between us.

I feel him hard and ready against me and I moan.

He presses his length harder against me while he kisses me again.

All of my senses are on overdrive as he teases and torments me with his thrusting as he continues to suck and softly bite my neck.

I want more, I need more from him. He feels so good against me.

"Ryker!” I moan.

It must wake him up, because he jumps back from me and gets off the bed. "Oh, geez De, I'm so sorry."

I’m breathing heavy and am turned on and having a tough time thinking clearly. My mind is still in an arousal fog. Why did he stop?

"I shouldn't have let that happen. It was too much. I'm so sorry."

His apologies finally break through my groggy and turned-on brain. "What?"

"I thought I was dreaming, and I didn't mean to be that rough or forward with you. I'm so sorry."

I realize he thinks he hurt me. "Ryker don't worry it was nice."

Finally, he meets my eyes. "I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you."

He didn't hurt me at all. It all felt so amazing. In fact, I didn't even know I was capable of that kind of intimacy without being triggered. It felt better than I ever could have imagined. It was the first hint that maybe I’m not as broken as I thought. I always assumed someone above me and feeling him hard between my legs would trigger me. I can still barely believe it.

I’m nervous to say those things because what if it was a onetime thing? What if the next time we fool around like that, it does trigger me? I don’t want to give him false hope. I also can't let him think he hurt me or overstepped. I’m so incredibly happy that it happened because it gives me hope.

I’m not a very forward person but being with Ryker makes me feel sexy and strong. It’s something I have never been able to feel before and I want to keep exploring with him.

My need to show him that he didn’t do anything wrong spurns me on and I crawl down the bed and sit up on my knees to meet his eyes. "I started it. I kissed you first. I enjoyed being in your arms."

He searches my face for any sign I’m lying. He can search all he wants because I very much enjoyed myself. "It wasn't too much?"

"It was unexpected, and I didn't know that I would be able to do even that much, but in the moment all I could think about was you and me and how good you felt against me."

He smiles. "It did feel pretty damn good. I like waking up with you in my arms and my lips on you."

My stomach flips just thinking about his lips on me and what delicious things he could do to me. "Me too. I can't usually sleep after a dream like that but being with you made it better. I wish you could sleep with me every night to help chase away the monsters."

He gets serious. “I could."

I wish it was that easy but that was taking this guarding thing a bit far. "I would never ask you to do that. It's not fair to expect you to be my own personal nightmare guard."

"Would I get to kiss you to sleep some more? And would I be able to wake up to your lips on me?"

I blush. I don't know what got into me this morning to kiss him like that, but I hadn’t thought it through. It just felt so right, it was instinct. I enjoyed waking up next to him. The safety and security he offered me made me want to kiss him and so I did.

The idea of waking up in his arms every morning for the foreseeable future excites me. Am I willing to kiss him every morning if it means he will sleep in my bed and be there to kiss away the darkness when my monster shows himself? Yes...yes, I am. If all my mornings start the way today did, that wouldn’t be a hardship.

"Yes” I say finally.

His face lights up and he pulls me into his arms. "Then I am on board to be your nightmare guard. De, you can ask me for anything. You never have to hesitate or think that anything is too much. If you need me, I'm there. I'm never going to let you down again."

I’m not sure what he means. He has never let me down before. I had been the selfish one that pushed him away once I returned home. He genuinely tried to be there for me and help me, but I didn't have it in me to be reminded of the boy I loved but could never have.

I was too broken for someone like Ryker. He deserves a normal girl who doesn't live in such a dark place all the time. I know in my heart that he will never truly be mine, not forever. He will want more than I can ever offer eventually, and it will break things. But for now, I will soak up every moment with him. I will kiss him with all my heart, and I will enjoy waking in his arms. It will have to be enough for me and give me a happy place to run to once it’s over and I’m alone and broken again. A bit of light to help fight the darkness of my nightmares.

******

Ryker

I sit on the couch while Deanna does some work. I’m trying to focus on an email Maddox sent last night about more security measures and plans for when the trial starts. I’m trying to focus but my eyes keep drifting back to her. I can’t seem to help it. She invades my mind, and she is all I can think about.

I thought I was obsessed when we were teens and I had a major crush on her. But that was before I even kissed her, now that we have kissed, I can’t stop wanting to do it again. All I want to do is put my lips on her every second of every day.

I was so scared when I woke up this morning that I had pushed her too far. I was sleeping, like normal and then feeling her lips on me had felt like a delicious dream. I hadn't been conscious enough to realize it was real and not a dream. I’ve had so many dirty dreams about her through the years, but they had all paled in comparison to this morning. I should have realized sooner it was real. I had been so caught up in the feeling of her that it had taken way too long to pull back.

I loved the sounds she made and hearing her moan my name in that way felt incredible. Luckily, I finally realized reality and pulled back before things went any further. I was about to take things further when she had finally woken me up fully.

I had promised myself when we started fooling around that I would never push her or overstep. She is in complete control of what happens between us. I hadn't planned to take her like that and when I realized what I had done, I was sure that I had ruined everything.

I know that things with her won't be forever, and I am pretty sure I will ruin it. I always ruined everything good in my life, but I want more time with her. I’ve just gotten started exploring her. I’m not ready for it to end.

I never expected her to be as into it as I am. I somehow haven’t ruined it, and I am so grateful for that. I will get more time with her. More time with her and time to help her discover her own wants and needs.

I also get to share a bed with her. It turns me on to think about waking up to her the way we did this morning. I want that so much. It will be a sweet torture to be in bed with her but not be able to do all the things I want with her. I’m pretty sure I will have perpetual blue balls for a while, but it is a small price to pay to help make her feel safe in her sleep.

I had let my d**k get in the way before when I had left her that night because I was losing my control around her, and it led to her being vulnerable to a monster. I will be stronger this time. I won't let my d**k control things ever again. I will find the strength and control to be whatever she needs me to be. Even if it means taking a thousand cold showers. I’m not some immature teenager anymore. I have more control than that and I know being with her will test my limits but this time it is a test I will kill myself before failing. I won't let her down again.

She must feel my eyes on her because she glances up and meets my eyes. She sticks her tongue out at me. It reminds me of the young carefree Deanna from before all the darkness touched her and it lifts my spirits in a way nothing else could.

I stick my tongue out back at her and she smiles and laughs before turning back to her work. Seeing that smile makes everything right in my world. When we were teens before she was taken, she was so silly and jovial, that was what made me love her back then.

My life was so full of darkness. My mom never really wanted me and never acted like a mom. She had lousy crappy boyfriends that felt like they had to compete with me for her affection even though it’s not like she gave me much to begin with. Some of them would beat me and take pleasure in my pain. I was miserable at home.

Deanna just brought light everywhere she went and seeing that part of her peak through again, it is everything and I want more of the silly moments with her. I want to be the cause of her smiles and laughs for the rest of her life. When this is over and she is ready to move on from me, I will make sure that she’s better off and happier than before we started this. That is all I have to offer her, and I will accomplish it no matter what it takes.