Defending Deanna

Chapter 16

Deanna

I curl up into a ball on the mattress that sits on the floor in the dingy basement I’ve been locked in for over a week. At least I estimate it's been about a week. It’s so hard to tell since there is no sunlight down here. I don’t have a watch or clock. I try to keep track by when he feeds me and how often he comes down. It’s all I can do at this point.

I’m starting to lose hope of being rescued. With each passing day, it seems more futile to hope. Each day is more traumatic than the last. I try to think of good things and not the things he just made me do. Whenever he hurts me, I always try to go to a random place in my mind and try to mentally escape what he is doing to my body. I like to go to this memory of my family on the beach being happy and normal. It is my happy place. It is always heart breaking when I come back to myself and am still in this dingy basement next to my own personal devil.

I want to go home more than anything. That won’t happen though. He’s made sure I am aware that nobody is looking for me. At first, I held onto hope because I knew my family loved me but the longer it takes the more, I start to believe him. Why else would I still be here after all these days? I was taken from a public place. How haven’t they found me yet? Maybe I was too much trouble and maybe everybody is better off without me.

"De, my sweet De. I like that. Maybe that will be my special nickname for you."

I freeze but I’m extra careful not to show any reaction to him calling me that. That's what my family and Ryker call her. He can't have it. He has taken so much from me. He steals more and more of my soul every day that I’m stuck here but I can't let him have that. I love being called De by my family but especially by Ryker. The first time he called me by that made me so happy. It felt like he considered me more of a friend than the annoying little sister of his friend. It meant something when he called me that.

I can't let my tormentor steal that. The memories of my family and friends are all I have left.

"Does it bother you that I call you De?"

Yes, yes it makes me sick and want to scream at him to stop. But I can't do that. I’ve learned over the days that he has kept me, that if he realizes how much it bothers me, he will use it more. I can’t let him know that it bothers me, but I also can't let him continue to call me that. I need to make him decide for himself on a different name. It is the only chance I have of protecting what I want to keep for myself.

I don't believe anymore that I will get out. He can be so rough and violent I know that it’s only a matter of time before he snaps and kills me like he did his last captive.

He shared that little nugget of information a few days after he took me when I kept fighting him. After he lashed out again, he told me about the other girl who had been here before. I know that will be my fate as well. But a small part of me still hopes that maybe I can get out and go home someday and if that ever happens, I don't want my monster to taint that name for me.

I have to be careful, or he will figure out how much it bothers me. He has to decide it isn't right all by himself. It has to be his idea.

"No, it's just that a lot of people call me that. I guess it doesn't seem all that special between us.”

“Look at me." He says firmly.

He sits behind me on the bed, and I don't want to look at him. I want to stay curled up in myself, but I know better than to disobey him. It just causes more pain when he lashes out. It’s just easier to give him what he wants.

I slowly sit up. My body aches and it stings between my legs. That’s the worst kind of reminder of what he did to me a few minutes ago. As if I needed a more physical reminder. The horrible memories are enough to haunt me forever.

I look into his eyes. I quickly learned that if I avoided his eyes, he would get angry, and I don't want to make him angry. I am so tired. I just want to sleep. But sleep isn't restful for me anymore. Sometimes it can be nice, and I dream of my home, but the problem is when I wake up and I’m still here in this awful basement. It breaks my heart every time and it just makes me lose hope even more.

"Do you want a special name that only I call you?"

I don’t, not at all. I want to go home and be free of this monster but if I don't play the game he will lash out. "Yes, something special only you call me."

He smiles. "My sweet Anna. Does that work for you? Or do others call you that as well."

I never really liked being called Anna growing up because I had a mean classmate named Anna as a kid, so people rarely called me that. It would work. If he calls me that at least De would be safe from his darkness. It is little to hold on to, but I have so little control anymore I’ll hold on to whatever I can.

"No that would be special just between us."

He touches my leg, and I try not to cringe. Whenever he touches me, it still turns my stomach, but I learned to not react the way my instincts demand. He runs his hand up my leg.

My stomach sinks. It looks like I won’t get to go to sleep yet now. He wants me again. I’m so tired but he won't listen. He will take what he wants even if I don't agree. He is rougher when I deny him though and it hurts more. He hates it when I fight against him. He wants total control and if I rebel or even hesitate, he will make sure I know my place.

As much as it kills me inside to let him have his way with again, I am too tired and achy to deal with another of his outbursts. The sooner he got his way, the sooner I can sleep.

"My Sweet Anna. You have been such a good little girl. I must have you again."

I close my eyes while he pushes me onto my back and gets above me. I can smell his horrible breath and hear his heavy breathing.

I squeeze my eyes tighter knowing that the next few minutes will be very uncomfortable, but I will get through it and then maybe he will leave again.

I hear my name being called but I don't understand what's happening until finally I jerk awake.

******

Ryker

I learned my lesson last time. I call her name and shake her to wake her but then jump back before she can attack me again. Not that I blame her since she was lost to the horrors of her past, but I would be an i***t not to be more careful.

I’m not going to let her stay lost in that terror, but I also don't need to get hurt by her again. It has become part of our friendship now, and I’m not a fan of that. I will take it though if that's what it takes to be there for her. And if it helps her break the monsters hold on her. I will do just about anything for that.

She jerks awake breathing heavily. She shakes her head and finally focuses on me. "Ryker?"

"Hey De, you were having another nightmare."

She drops her head into her hands. "I'm so sorry I woke you."

"What did we discuss in the kitchen earlier? Stop apologizing for things you can't control."

She looks at me. “Right, ok. Thanks for waking me."

I won’t ever tell her that I haven't slept well in days because I want to be able to wake her the next time her monster visits her in her dreams. I hate that I can't protect her. I know it sounds stupid, but it feels like I’m failing her. I am her bodyguard, but I feel so helpless like I’m failing in my duties because he’s still getting to her. I can’t protect her from her own mind.

“Do you wanna talk about it?"

She avoids my eyes. “No not really. Thanks for waking me, you should get some sleep."

“Are you gonna sleep more? “

She visibly cringes and that answers my question.

“Sure.” She says finally.

I want to laugh. She's not as good at acting as she thinks she is. Again, I wonder how she’s been able to fool everyone for so long. Maybe they just wanted to believe she’s better because the alternative sucks. Thinking she’s still in so much pain is awful. It’s easier to just believe what she tells them. Maybe I would have been fooled as well if I hadn’t heard her crying out in her sleep so much recently.

“Well, I don't think I can get back to sleep either.”

I sit on the bed next to her. “What can I do? "

She looks me in the eyes. "Kiss me? "

I hesitate. I want to kiss her; I always do but I worry that it'll be triggering after her dreams. “I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Kissing you distracts me from the dark thoughts. It makes me feel alive. I very much want to feel alive tonight."

How can I say no to that? I want to help her and if kissing me helps distract her then it isn't like kissing her was a hardship for me...well certain things get hard while kissing her, but blue balls is a small price to pay to help keep the darkness away.

I can see she’s visibly shaking. The dream must have been a dark one. I’m sure none of her dreams from that time in her life are pleasant though. I wish I could take all that darkness from her.

I reach up and gently touch her cheek. She looks up at me, and I am once again lost to her beauty. I always thought of her as cute when we were younger. She had such a cute and innocent personality back then. Now though she has matured and unfortunately there was more darkness behind her eyes than I wish there were, but still she is earth shatteringly beautiful. Just looking at her takes my breath away.

Her big, gorgeous eyes with long lashes. Her plump lips, and cute little button nose. She is uniquely beautiful in a way I haven’t seen in anyone else in the years that I tried to forget about my feelings for her.

"Are you sure it’s, ok? I don't want to take advantage of you and hurt you at all."

She thinks for a second and I want her to agree to let me kiss her because I want that so bad, but I won't do it if it messes with her sanity or safety.

She meets my eyes again. "Kissing you is something I get to choose. You let me decide. You never put pressure on me or make me feel like it disappoints you if I were to say no. The time that I was held, I never got to make any choices for myself. Saying no wasn't an option. I like kissing you but also, I get to choose that and making a choice to do something I want to do helps me feel free again. It reminds me that I can make my own choices. It feels good and is exciting and helps ground me."

It reminds me how amazing this girl is. I wish that I could give her the world. I would in a heartbeat, but I know that she deserves better than I can give her. Someday she will see that, and I will have to walk away but until that day, I will give her everything I can.

I lean in and touch my lips to hers. We lose ourselves in kissing and touching and it makes me feel alive. We don't stop kissing until we fall asleep in each other's arms.