Defending Deanna

Chapter 15

Deanna

I’m still going over my therapy session in my head when I get home. I don't want to let what happened to me still control so much of my life. I just don't know how to fix it.

"How did therapy go?” Ryker asks.

I bite my lip, and I notice for the first time that his eyes track the movement of my lips and my stomach flips. Does he want to kiss me again? I want to kiss him again.

I want to smile at that realization. I never imagined I would ever feel that way for anyone.

"It was good. We talked about things, and she helped me deal with what triggered me with the DA the other day, so hopefully it won't happen again."

"That's good. I don't wanna pry, but you can talk to me too if you want to."

I haven't talked about what I went through with many people. It had taken me months in therapy with my first therapist to finally open up. I had told the police some of what had happened. I didn't go into too much detail because I didn't want to admit all I had been put through and all he had forced me to do. It was embarrassing and I was terrified of what people would think of me if they knew. It was bad enough so many people heard what they heard at the trial. But anything else I wanted to keep to myself. But eventually I opened up in therapy, and it really did help me deal with things.

Having someone validate my feelings and make me understand that what I went through is life changing. It makes sense that it’s not something I can get over in a day or a week or maybe even ever. It helped me. I felt seen and having that helped me in so many ways.

I have a different therapist now than my first one but still talking about things helps. If nothing else just having someone tell me that I’m not crazy for feeling all my feelings about it helps. Knowing that the trepidation and trauma is normal considering what I lived through helps a lot.

I don't like to talk about what I went through outside of therapy but maybe I can, a bit with Ryker. He has a special closeness to my history that no body, but my family has. He knows my brother and how overprotective he is and he didn’t see the worst of it, but he has some information about how broken I was once I got back home.

"She helped me see that I felt like I was losing control of my life with everything that's happened. And change feels unsteady to me. I didn't think about all the stuff that was happening in those terms. The uncertainty of his appeal and the knowledge that I have to revisit it all. This appeal is on his terms...just like everything was always on his terms. It just brought some things back. But I'm ok and I'm doing ok. It helps to remember that it's all part of it. I sometimes forget that I'm not the only person who has been through this type of thing."

“Does me being here make things worse for you?"

I look into his eyes. I can see the uncertainty there and it makes me feel brave. It makes me feel like I have some control here. I don’t want to make his life harder or make him feel like he’s a burden in my life currently. That couldn’t be further from the truth, but him being in my world currently did make my life and sense of self a bit challenging and I want to be honest with him.

"You being here was not something I had planned for. I love Maddox and the way that he has helped me build my life back up is something that I could never repay him for, but when he barges in and makes demands it can be triggering because it reminds me of when I didn't have control over my own life. When that control was taken from me. So, I guess when he offered to let you move in it seemed like it was something I could control. I chose you. But having you here is a bit unnerving at times."

He looks sad. “I'm sorry De, I wish I knew how to fix this, but I can't leave. I can't let you go unprotected."

I nod in understanding. “I know, and I would never ask you to do that. I feel safer having you here. I very much enjoy having you here."

He accepts my words, but I can tell how much it bothers him to know being here makes my life harder. I hate to have to tell him that, but I also don't want to lie to him.

"I also talked about us in therapy. About what happened between us."

He winces. "Let me guess, she thinks I'm a pushy SOB and told you to run for the hills."

I laugh. "Actually, she's been trying to convince me to let someone in. She was very happy to hear that I have taken a step in that direction."

He meets my eyes. “Really?"

I smile at him. "We realized that I have a hard time saying what I want and need. I have a hard time remembering that I'm free to make decisions for myself and that I need to demand what I want."

He locks eyes with mine and my stomach tingles in a very delicious way. “And what do you want Deanna Maddox?"

I bite my lips again and enjoy how his eyes follow the movement. It makes me feel sexy and wanted.

“I want you to kiss me more. I don't want to stop kissing you. I don't know when I'll be ready for more than that, but I know I like kissing you."

He smiles. "So does this mean that I can kiss you whenever I want?"

The idea of it makes me a little nervous but it also excites me. I want him to kiss me whenever he wants. "Yes, but you better hurry or I'm gonna think you don't want to kiss me."

He laughs and pulls me into his arms. "Well then, I want to be respectful of what you want.” He says as he kisses me senselessly.

After a few seconds I pull back and smile at him. “I think this going after what I want is going very well so far.”

He laughs again. He touches my cheek gently. “So, De, what do you want now?”

I bite my lip like I’m considering but it’s a very easy decision. “I want you to kiss me some more.”

He smiles. “Your wish is my command.” He says as he kisses me again.

******

Ryker

I watch Deanna from the kitchen entrance. She's cooking and I had to take a very cold shower. I hadn't wanted to let her out of my arms, but I needed to keep things under control.

She tests my control. Kissing her made me want to throw caution to the wind and jump all in. But I can’t do that with her. I need all the control I can muster. So, I put the brakes on and left her alone.

I had no idea how incredible it would feel to have my hands on her, and not to mention my lips. I want more with her so badly, but I won’t push her.

I like the idea that I can kiss her and touch her. I have to be careful not to push her though. I never want to make her feel like I expect more than she is willing to give.

I don’t want that with her anyway if she doesn’t also want it. I want to be the one to get her there, but I will have to pull back eventually because I know that she deserves better and I don't want to take something from her and then run. So, I need control and patience.

I don't know if I would be able to be this controlled with anyone else but for Deanna, I can do anything it takes to help her.

I walk up behind her and wrap my hands around her and kiss her neck. I’m trying to be sweet and romantic, but it backfires. I realize it almost immediately as she tenses in my arms.

She freaks out and screams and then elbows me in the gut.

I back away holding a hand up in surrender while I hold my aching gut with the other. I’m hunched over like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

She's standing in the corner covering her ears and saying "no no no no." on repeat. She’s clearly lost in the past and her own personal nightmare.

After a second, she looks up and realizes what happened. And her face shuts down in shame.

"De, I'm sorry."

I can tell she's about to lose it and I feel horrible for scaring her.

"Oh my god Ryker. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that."

My heart breaks as I see tears fall down her cheeks. This is my fault not hers. I wasn’t thinking.

"De, it's fine."

She sniffles. "No, I'm so so sorry I just…I just got freaked. I'm so sorry.” She says as more tears fall down her face.

I feel horrible and now she's upset and blaming herself when it was all my fault. "De, stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong."

She looks at me again. "I'm so sorry. I just got freaked out."

My gut is still aching from her elbow, but I force myself to stand up straight. "Deanna stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. I shouldn't have scared you like that I'm sorry.”

My heart breaks as I watch the fear and shame in her eyes. This was my fault. I should have realized that being snuck up on would trigger her. I meant to surprise her, but I hadn't counted on how scared she would get.

"I was just surprised, and I just reacted. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you."

“It's not your fault I shouldn't have come up behind you."

I can see she's lost in her own shame. She's not hearing me. I reach out for her but hesitate to touch her.

I can see it hurts her more, that I hesitated, but I don't want to risk making it worse and triggering her even more.

“Can I touch you?" I ask finally.

Her face drops and I can see how shattered she is, but she silently nods.

I pull her into my arms and silently hold her. She's shaking and can't relax but I just hold her and try to send her calming thoughts.

It takes about a minute but finally she relaxes in my arms and knowing that I brought that calm to her helps to take some of the anger at myself away. I never should have assumed that I could sneak up on her.

It will take some time, but I intend to learn all the things that trigger her and what not to do. I will have to learn faster because feeling her shaking and so upset because I’m an i***t just about ruins me. I can’t let that happen again. I will have to do better. I want to help her heal, not break her more.

Once she's calmer, I pull back a bit but keep my hands on her. "De, you never have to apologize to me for having a reaction like that."

"It was stupid. I should have known it was you. Who else could it be? And then I hurt you."

“I've been through worse. Your brother has cleaned my clock a few times in sparring. I'll live, but this right now, what happened that's not your fault. I messed up. It's going to take some time for us to learn the other person. It's normal when you first live with someone. But don't beat yourself up. I'm going to try and be more careful with you until I learn what your triggers are. None of this is your fault. So, stop taking the blame for my mistakes."

She finally meets my eyes. “I just hate that I reacted that way. It’s not normal. It’s just another thing that shows how broken I am."

My heart drops. She may be messed up from what happened, but she isn’t broken. She is the strongest person I have ever met. What she survived could ruin a lesser person, but she not only survived it but has lived fairly normal life since. She isn’t broken at all.

“De, I’m the i***t that didn’t think about the fact that sneaking up on you would be triggering after what you went through. It’s a completely normal and rational reaction even for people that haven’t been through what you went through. I should have known better, but I didn’t think. I will do better. This is my fault not yours. So, stop taking it on yourself.”

I’m not sure if I got through to her or not, but I have a feeling it is going to take more convincing in the future to make her understand that she isn’t broken. But I am determined to help her see that. It is going to be hard to let her go when the time comes, but I will do it because she deserves a good guy who can give her normal. I will have to find the strength to let her go when the time comes.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you too much did I?”

I smile at her. "I wanna be all macho and act like it didn’t hurt at all because I’m so manly but you got me good. It makes me glad you like me and don’t plan to do that again.”

Finally, she lets out a bit of a smile.

It makes me feel better to see that she isn’t beating herself up anymore. I will have to do better for her. I don’t have time to learn what hurts her. I have to be careful. I don’t want to make her life any harder than my presence already does.

“De, it's going to be ok. This will take some time, but you won't scare me off.”

She bites her lips. I love when she does that. It makes me want to kiss her again. Truthfully, I always want to kiss her. I don’t think I will ever grow tired of kissing this girl.

“Promise?”

She sounds so fragile, and it makes me want to promise her the world to make it better, but I know that eventually I have to leave. It is the best thing for her and eventually when she has the perfect marriage and the perfect kids, she will understand why I left. It will break me; I know that already, and it will be hard for her too, but I have to hope by the end of us she will be healed in some ways.

I can’t promise her the world even though I want to, but I can promise her that her triggers will never scare me off. I will stand by her side and fight her demons as long as it takes to show her how amazing and strong she truly is. She saw a good guy in me when nobody else did and for that I will always care about her.

“I promise your triggers and reactions won’t scare me off.”

She smiles and it releases the vise grip on my heart that has been there since I triggered her.

“So, you were going to kiss me, right? Because I think that’s what I need right now.”

I smile. “Wow you can sure read a guy’s mind.”

I say as I lean in and kiss her. When she relaxes into me, I can finally relax myself. I never want to cause fear in her like that again. I will have to do better.

I lose myself in kissing her and I smile as she leans her head back so I can deepen the kiss. I do as she wishes.

As I pull back to give us both air I wince as I smell something burning. “Do you smell that?”

The dazed smile falls off her face as she glances over at the pork she had been cooking. She gasps.

The pan is actually on fire. I have never seen anyone set meat on fire outside of a grill. I rush over and quickly grab the handle and dump the pan in the sink and turn the water on. The fire quickly dies.

I feel her hands on my back. I turn around and see she’s devastated by events.

“I’m such an i***t. I ruined dinner.”

She didn’t ruin dinner; I did that by triggering her. I hate that I ruined the good mood again. It was becoming a very frustrating pattern for me. I won’t let her feel bad about this though. It wasn’t her fault.

I pull her into my arms. I gently bop her on the nose. “Nope, this one is on me. I’m the one that decided I couldn’t keep my lips off of you. So, I guess since I ruined dinner I have to fix it.”

She glances sadly at the mess in the sink. “And how exactly are you going to do that?”

I laugh. “I burned many a meal as a kid. There is only one sure way to fix this kind of disaster.”

She looks unsure. “And that is?”

I smile triumphantly. “Pizza obviously.”

She laughs.

It makes me feel a bit better that I can take some of the discontent out of her life. I hate that I made this mistake and triggered her and then ruined her dinner. I will get us some pizza and hopefully help take her mind off of this evening.

I meet her eyes. “You wanna know the best part of ordering pizza?”

She smiles. “obviously”

I smile deviously at her. “We can’t burn it so that means I get to keep my lips on you until it gets here.”

She shivers a bit, and it makes me smile. “That truly is the best part.” She says finally.

I laugh as I kiss her again.