Defending Deanna

Chapter 14

Deanna

The next day at my therapy session I have a spring in my step. I spent hours last night in Ryker's arms and it felt incredible. I didn't want to take my lips off his, but I wasn't ready to move things to the bedroom, and we eventually had to go to sleep.

I enjoyed kissing him more than I ever imagined I could, but the idea of more with him still scares me.

I enjoyed when he took me into his arms during that first kiss. I had been nervous but once his lips were on mine all I could think about was the feeling of him and the way my stomach was dancing and the way my toes were curling. It was something I’ve never experienced before, and it was so exciting. I wasn't at all scared, once he took me in his arms. It felt so incredible to have my body against his. I just wanted to be as close to him as physically possible.

The only experience I’ve had before Ryker yesterday was scary and awful. I know that what had happened was not the way it was supposed to feel but at the same time I didn’t know that it could feel so fun. I didn’t even realize my body could feel those things. It felt the way I’ve read about in books.

"Deanna, are you doing, ok? You seem kind of distracted."

I’m pulled from my thoughts of Ryker by the doctor.

I shake my head to clear the thoughts of my lips on his. "Um yes, sorry I'm doing ok."

"And how are the nightmares?"

I cringe when I think about the dream I had the other night. "I had one the other night. I relived the moment I woke up in the basement and realized my life would never be the same."

"You have that dream quite a bit still. Do you have any idea why that moment still sticks out to you so much?"

"I don't know, maybe because that was the first glimpse of the monster inside of him. He was trying to be "nice”, but he couldn't control the monster and he lashed out. That was the start of his manipulations to control me. It showed me how close he was to losing control. It was the first glimpse of the knife's edge I had to walk when dealing with him."

“You have said before that you hate how much control he had over you while he held you. You mentioned that you wished you could have fought him more."

I sigh. I hated that I had given him complete control over me. By the end of it he said jump, I wouldn't even ask how high. I would just jump and hope it was high enough because if it wasn't he could lash out at me again. I hadn't known true darkness until that moment. I had to look into the eyes of the devil every day for 2 months.

"From that moment on my life was never the same. It was the first time I knew true horror. I tried to fight him a bit in the beginning. I would find some hidden strength, and I would rebel in little ways, but I always regretted it. Eventually I just stopped fighting and gave him everything he wanted.”

"Our minds are strange things sometimes. They can recognize danger before we realize there is a problem and adjust accordingly. What do you think would have happened if you had put up more of a fight against him?"

Savannah comes to mind in that moment. He never explicitly told me what caused him to lose control. I didn't know it that first night but later he would bring her up sometimes when I didn’t, please him the way he wanted. He made it clear Savannah had disappointed him and he had lost control.

He always called her a bad girl and said she didn’t cooperate, and he had to teach her a lesson, and it got out of hand. He said he didn’t want that to happen with me so if I was good, we could stay friends but if I kept pushing him, he would have to show me who was in charge.

“The same thing that happened to Savannah, I guess."

“We've talked about your survivors’ guilt over making it out when she didn't."

I glance down at my hands folded together in my lap. I have intense survivor’s guilt. I never met Savannah’s mom, but I saw videos of her on the news and things, and I feel so horrible that my life was a constant reminder of the girl that didn't survive.

"I just don't understand why I survived when she didn't."

"We don't know what he saw in her or why he took her but maybe he learned his lesson and took you because he saw something that he thought he could manipulate. You had been pretty sheltered, and you had a protective brother who ordered you around some. Maybe he saw something in you, and he took advantage. The important thing is that you survived. You will probably never know why you did when she didn't. But instead of being disappointed in yourself for your weakness. Remember that you adapting to what he wanted probably saved your life. That's important to remember."

My doctor made a good point but...” I guess I worry about whether how easily he could control me means that I will always be a victim. If he could train me that fast, would I know when someone else is manipulating me and making me their victim?"

“I don't think we can know that for sure. But I think that since you've been through what you went through. I think it hardens a part of you, and I think that now your mind could maybe recognize that for what it is."

“I hope that's true. I never want to be a victim again."

I don’t know if I could survive it again. I got through it before because I was naïve to the ways of the world. Knowing what I know now and how miserable I’ve been I’m not sure if I would have the motivation to survive again. I know that’s kind of dark, but when you live in darkness, being dark is automatic.

“I want to remind you how young you were when he took you. You didn't think to fight him because you had been taught to be respectful to adults and he was an adult. You are a very different person now. I think you are a lot stronger than you know."

I hope the doctor is right. I want to be strong. I have always worried about what it was that he saw in me that made him decide I would be an easy victim. Did others see that in me as well and take advantage of it and would I be able to figure it out before it happened this time?

That's another reason I fear dating. I don't know if I can trust my instincts or trust that I won't fall for manipulations again. How do I know if someone is manipulating me? I didn’t see it then, I fell right into his trap, and I didn’t realize until it was too late.

"How is everything else in your life. Is there anything else new you would like to discuss.”?

My mind immediately jumps to Ryker and those scorching kisses. I’m tempted to keep them to myself forever but I’m nervous and scared about what it all means, and I need some advice.

"Well actually...Ryker kissed me."

My doctor looks surprised. "Wow, the last time we talked, you had no desire to be close to anyone in that way. Did that change?"

"Ryker is special. He reminds me of before. When I was a normal girl with hopes for a normal future. He knows parts of me nobody else ever can because I'm not sure that girl truly exists anymore. It's easier with him. He was so kind and understanding and gentle.”

“That’s a major step in your recovery. Was it your idea or his?”

“He brought it up first but in a respectful way. I had a rough day and was triggered the other day while talking to the DA about my case. I just wanted to forget for a bit. So, I drank too much and then somehow, I confessed that I hadn't really kissed anyone, and he was so kind and wanted to show me what it could feel like."

I blush thinking about it. I enjoyed being with Ryker but a part of me worries that he was with me because he felt sorry for me. I hadn’t ever kissed anyone before, and I’m so messed up from what I have been through. Can he ever look at me as a normal girl? Or will he always see the pathetic victim I have become?

“Ok we're going to come back to what triggered you, but was the kiss a onetime thing?"

I blush again. “We kept kissing after so no, probably not. We haven't talked about it much, but I want to do it again."

The doctor smiles. “That's such a good first step. Do you want more than kissing?"

I look down at the ground. “That's the problem. I may want more at some point but I'm not sure I can do much more. It's so triggering and scary. I guess I worry that eventually he will push for more and I won't be able to and then he will realize how truly broken I am.”

"You aren't broken. Maybe you were broken down from what happened to you, but you have put the pieces back together and created a life for yourself. I have worked with many victims in my years as a psychologist and it surprises me every day what people are capable of surviving. I have every faith that eventually with the right person, you can have a very healthy and happy relationship that includes intimacy. It won't be easy and there may be hard moments and some struggles but with the right person you can overcome anything. So don't let your fears stop you from trying. If that’s what you want."

I want to believe that is possible, but I feel too broken and damaged to believe I have any hope of normal. I want it, I want it with Ryker most of all. But he knew me before, and he knows too much about what has happened to me. He’s also dated a lot so he is used to an active s*x life, and I don't believe I will ever be able to do that. How long until he grows tired of humoring me and my apprehension?

"I enjoyed kissing him but the idea of more fills me with so much dread. He's been very understanding but I worry eventually he won't be happy with my hesitation."

That is my worst fear. I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable having intercourse with anyone. How long can a relationship last if I’m not able to go there at some point?

"I understand your worry that he could be disappointed with you. But from what you told me it's very new. Maybe you should take it one day at a time and if the time comes where it becomes an issue, talk to him. There are other ways to find pleasure that don't involve intercourse. Men can be very willing to experiment in that area. You just have to find someone that you can trust to take their time and work through your fears. Baby steps forward are still steps forward."

I want that with Ryker so much. Part of my fear stems from the fact that if anyone could bring me to a place where I could be intimate in any way with someone it would be Ryker. But what if I can't even be intimate in that way with him? Then I guess I’ll know for sure that I’m destined to be alone forever. I’m ready to voice those fears yet though.

“I hope that’s true.”

We sit in silence for a minute while I think about Ryker and my hopes and fears for the future with him.

"What happened with the DA?" Dr. Blair asks finally.

I cringe. I can't believe I lost it like that. I hadn't been that fragile in years. I don't have everything under as much control as I want but I didn't realize I was that close to losing it.

I sigh. "He challenged me. He questioned whether I was strong enough to testify."

"Do you think you are?"

I bite my lips. "I thought I was but then when he reminded me of the basement I kind of got lost for a second and then he grabbed me to steady me, and I lost it."

"What was it about what the DA said that triggered you?"

“I don't know if it even was just him. I had that dream the night before and then I guess he reminded me that I was the only one that knew what truly happened in that basement and it just hit home that I was going to have to relive it all again, and all these fragmented images of my time there flew through my head, and it made me dizzy. I felt transported back in time for a minute. It felt so real and visceral. If he hadn't grabbed me, I may have been able to calm myself down, but I guess I lost where I was and then when he grabbed me, I thought it was my monster again."

"That's very understandable. What is it about this time that’s messing with your head again?”

“I think part of my struggle is that this damned appeal feels like he’s getting one over on me again. I was finally getting things in order and now it’s on his terms again. Once again, he’s disrupting my life and I have no say in it. Who cares that his rights were infringed on…so were mine every day for months. How is this fair?”

I am so unbelievably livid that he gets to hurt me again. Will it ever end? Or will he be able to disrupt my life forever?

“You’re right it’s not fair, but unfortunately for victims the perpetrators rights are the priority. His rights were infringed on, so he gets an appeal. But while it feels like he’s getting control, he’s not. He’s going to go back to prison, and you get to have a life and thrive.”

I don’t feel much like I’m thriving. I live alone, too afraid for anyone to truly see who I really am.

I hope my doctor is right. I want him to go away forever, I can’t imagine a world where he is free but still a part of me fears that some mistake will happen again, and he will go free somehow.

“Your life right now is changing. He was given an appeal, and you have someone new living with you and changing the way you feel in your safe space."

“I don't mind him living with me. He's protecting me."

“It's not that you mind, but you have built this wall of protection around yourself, you are working hard to try and be as normal as possible and stay in your routine. You made the choice to live alone even when it scared you and you've become used to your life the way it is. It helps ground you to be in your space the way you made it, all alone. And now that's disrupted. It's normal to feel your foundation is being shaken at the moment."

I haven't thought about it that way. Change is hard for me. It brings up stuff from when my life was forcefully changed against my will. A part of me just wants life to stay the way it is, because it works for me. I am fairly happy with my life. I have an amazing apartment. I have a great job I love. I have my brother, but he has the freedom to be himself. Things were good.

"Deanna change can sometimes be good. But it can also be scary and after what you went through it can be triggering. That's why we're here so that you can talk it all out and figure out what the trouble is stemming from so you can understand why you are being triggered in the hope that they don’t have power over you anymore."

"I guess I don't know how to not take control of my life anymore because when I was in that basement, I had no control over my life at all. I think that's one of the reasons my brother’s hovering is so hard. I know he means well but it feels like another person controlling me."

“That's understandable. You were fragile after what happened, and it was easier to give up some of the control to him. You guys got used to it and then when you wanted that control back, he didn't know how to let go. But realizing what you needed and asking for it. That's a huge step. You don't need to be afraid to ask for what you want."

She is right. After what I went through, I have a hard time standing up for myself and asking for what I want because a part of me still feels like if I stand up for myself then there will be hell to pay.

But I’m not in that basement anymore. My life isn’t being controlled by a raving lunatic with control issues. I am the only one in control of my own life. I need to start reminding myself of that.