Holding On

Chapter 1

My favorite time of the day is when the sun is setting and there’s that cool breeze running through the air. I always like to sit at the balcony and reminisce on all I have achieved that day and what I plan to do on the next. I also use that opportunity to see what is happening beyond the four walls of my home. It was on one of these occasions that I first saw Grace.

I remember wondering to myself, “who is this woman walking so confidently, heading straight for my gate?” I saw her converse with the gate-man, both of them at ease with each other. It seemed strange and surprising. What was even more surprising was the fact that Aliu let her in without alerting me of her presence and checking if I wanted to see her or not. We live in a very secure estate. Before anyone comes into any home, the security at the main gate must have seen the person and collected his or her phone number and address. After this, at the gate of each house, the gate-man will call the main house to find out if the owner of the house wants to see the visitor or not. Aliu didn’t call me. I was disturbed. As she walked down the driveway, towards the house, my first thoughts were for the safety of the children. With this in mind, I rushed downstairs. As I got to the living room the doorbell rang. Lisa stood to open it but I stopped her. I went by myself, livid with Aliu for putting the children in danger this way. I opened the door and saw her. The first words out of my mouth were, “I know you” and she said, “And I, you”. I was confused. How could she know me? We had never met in person. I had only seen her pictures. “You’re supposed to be dead. What happened?” She smiled. But it wasn’t a happy smile. It was kind of cynical. The kind you see and think that this person has been through a lot. “It’s a long story,” she said, “but can I come in?” “Yes, please.”

When Lisa saw her, it was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. A lot of tears were involved but they were tears of joy. Joy of seeing your mother that you thought you would never see again and the joy of seeing your daughter after ten years apart. Ken and Kim looked at me with confused expressions on their faces. This was a bit too much for six year olds to take in. I sent them to their rooms, promising to explain later. Lisa and Grace took quite a while to calm down. When they did, I said to Grace, “Brad isn’t back from work yet, I don’t know if you are staying in a hotel but there is a room for you if you choose to stay here.” She smiled and said, “Thank you, but I didn’t come to see Brad. I came for Lisa. I’ve been to the office severally and I spoke to Brad on all occasions.” Shocked couldn’t cover how I felt at that moment. I felt betrayed and angry that Brad didn’t at least warn me so that I would have been better prepared for her sudden appearance. “He doesn’t know that I am here. He wanted to find a way to break the news to you first but I was too impatient.” Her words helped lessen my anger and it also explained why Brad had been so uptight and stressed in the last few days. I mean, how do you tell your current wife that your first wife who everyone thought was dead, was actually alive and wanted to come see her daughter? “Well,” I said to Grace with what I hoped was a reassuring smile, “that doesn’t stop you from accepting my hospitality. Are you staying in a hotel?” She nodded. “It’s not far from this estate and I don’t want to impose. Just let me stay awhile with Lisa and I will be off.” I had even forgotten that Lisa was there. Only God knows what was going through her mind at that point but when she heard her mom talk about leaving, she started crying again, begging her mom to either stay or take her along. Grace tried to reassure her, promising to come back tomorrow. That only made Lisa cry more. I could understand her tears. Ten years ago, Grace had left with the same promise to come back and had never come, until now. “Stay, you can go back to the hotel for your things tomorrow.” Grace smiled at me gratefully. She didn’t want to be parted from her daughter either.

Brad wasn’t home by dinner. Usually when this happens, he would call and inform me, then we would decide whether or not the children should eat and sleep or wait for him to be back. There was never a question on my part, I always waited for his arrival. However, on this occasion, he didn’t call. I got the feeling that he was trying to avoid me. I served all the children and Grace and took my seat on the couch and began my wait. We usually eat dinner by 7pm. Every other person had gone to bed by 9pm. Brad didn’t get home till 11pm. I was still waiting on the couch when he arrived. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked the moment he walked through the door. He was startled by my question but when he saw my expression, he sighed and asked, “How did you find out?” “She came here today. In fact at the moment, she is asleep in Lisa’s room.”

He was surprised by my response. “You allowed her to stay?” He asked, trying to keep his voice calm but failing miserably, “Are you out of your mind?!?!” “What was I supposed to do?” I asked. “You didn’t give me any warning and lower your voice unless you want to have an audience consisting of your children and your FIRST WIFE!” I whisper-yelled. He sighed again. “I was going to tell you but I didn’t know how, plus I didn’t know how you would react. I’m sorry.” And just like that all the anger I felt dissolved. That was the thing with Brad, I couldn’t stay mad at him once he apologized. I sighed. So many other thoughts and feelings were running through my mind. I had tried not to think about ripple effect of Grace’s homecoming and how it will affect each and everyone of us, especially me. As if sensing my thoughts, Brad asked, “Are you okay?” How could I be? I couldn’t speak at first but when I did, I sighed and said, “I’m not sure. I think I should go to bed and perhaps when I wake up, I’ll see that this is all a bad dream. He didn’t stop me. I guess he knew that today for me, has been a hard pill to swallow.

Going to bed was bad. Pretending to be asleep beside Brad was worse. I just couldn’t calm my brain enough for me to fall asleep. I was hyper-alert and hyper-aware of every single shift from Brad and every other noise from the surrounding rooms. I was surprised to find that Brad fell into deep slumber seconds after collapsing on the bed. That’s probably what you get for spending a whole week hiding things from your wife. Am I even his wife? It’s a question I have been asking myself all night. As a lawyer, I already have the answer for that question. Emotionally, I was confused. Legally, the fact that Brad was validly and bindingly joined in holy matrimony to Grace more than ten years ago, without any form of divorce or separation taking place between them renders my marriage to Brad null and void. But my heart couldn’t quite wrap itself around this idea. I have never been an insomniac but that night, sleep eluded me.

I was startled to hear my alarm go off at 5am. I had a full day ahead of me and I hadn’t had even an hour of rest. As I stood up to begin my routine, Brad grabbed me and asked, “Will you have lunch with me today so we can talk?” “Talk about what?” I asked, trying to play dumb. He looked at me with that I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work- face and said’ “ Talk about what happened last night of course. What did you think? Brad sure has a way to make a person feel stupid. “There’s actually nothing to talk about.” I said, finally getting up from the bed. “What do you mean?” Brad asked, getting annoyed. “My supposedly dead wife suddenly appears out of the blues and you say there is nothing to discuss? There is a whole lot to discuss Amanda!” Why was speaking ignorantly? If anyone was ignorant of the law, it wasn’t Brad. That was one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. “What is there to discuss?” I asked, getting pissed myself. “Your first wife just returned. Don’t you know the implication of that. Whether she was presumed dead or not, your marriage is still valid, which invariably means that ours is INVALID!” I said all this in one breath. By the time I was done, I was silently thanking God that the walls and doors of the master bedroom were soundproof. By the time I was done, Brad was looking at me like I had just revealed myself as a psychopath. “So let me get this straight,” he began after taking a deep breath, “because of some legal jargon,” he continued, his voice rising with every word he uttered, “you are letting go of eight beautiful years of marriage?!?! What about the kids? Have you decided what you will tell them? Does this mean that after spending a week agonizing on how to break the news to you and trying to find a way forward that did NOT involve letting you go, you, after finding out less than twenty-four hours ago, are giving up on everything?” By the time he was done, all I could hear in his voice was hurt. I was ashamed of myself; giving up without making any effort. I still tried to excuse myself, “I’m sorry. I just…I’m still in a state of shock, trying to make sense of the situation…where are you going?” As he walked out, he said in a matter-of-fact manner, “To the bathroom. When you have made ‘sense of the situation’, then we can talk.” He was angry with me. I could feel it. But he was also disappointed and I couldn’t stand that. Brad has been one of the very few people who believed in me. Even my own parents couldn’t even give me the benefit of doubt. Seeing him looking at me like that was just as bad as if I had cheated on him. But that’s how I felt. CHEATED…out of so many things. I love Brad and I wasn’t ready for us to be over but his first love was back. He talked as if he didn’t want her but I am a witness firsthand, of how much her disappearance affected him. Brad is a proud man. He doesn’t have time or patience for tears but when he told me about Grace, he actually broke down. It was not a pretty sight. Basically, I guess I was just scared that me trying to hold on and fight for us will make him drop me like a hot sack of potatoes. And I’d rather let go than be dropped.

I was still deep in thought when he came out of the bathroom. Usually, while he took his bath, I would be waking the children and preparing breakfast. Unsurprisingly, today didn’t follow any of my routines. When I finally pulled myself together and went to wake the kids, I was mildly surprised to discover that they weren’t in bed anymore. I debated on whether to wake Lisa or not. After all, her mom was in the room with her. I decided against it and with that decision made, I proceeded to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. On my way to the kitchen, as I passed by the dining, I saw all the kids seated for breakfast, dressed for school. I felt bad for keeping them waiting. “ I’m sorry I’m late guys. Don’t worry, breakfast won’t be long.” As I approached the kitchen, Lisa said cheerfully, “Don’t bother, my mom is already handling it.” At first, it sink in but when it did, my steps slowed to a halt and as if in slow motion, I turned, seemingly confused by her statement. I stared at her as she grinned like the Cheshire cat. As I turned to Ken and Kim, I noticed that they couldn’t meet my gaze. They probably thought I was mad at them. A child in my culture is taught from a very young age not to accept things from strangers even if they stayed the night in your house. I could hardly call Grace a stranger, BUT STILL. First wife or not, she didn’t have the right to walk into my kitchen and cook without MY permission. Or maybe she did. But this wasn’t even the house she lived in with Brad. I was getting angrier by the second, just thinking of her hands on my pots, pans, plates, even the spoons. Taking a deep breath, I turned to Lisa and asked, “What do you mean?” She in turn, took a breath, and began to explain to me, speaking like I was a toddler learning two or three letter words, “I mean, that while you and dad were sleeping or arguing or whatever it was that kept you inside that room for so long, my mom woke me and I in turn woke Ken and Kim and we all took our baths and got ready for school. Since you still hadn’t come down at the time, my mom took the liberty of cooking breakfast for us.” I was speechless. All these took place under an hour. Was she superhuman or what? It was intimidating. Usually, I wake the kids by six and by seven the house would be looking like a hurricane swept through and we still wouldn’t be completely ready to step out. As I looked around, I realized that the living room was completely spotless. I felt intimidated and violated. “Oh you’re up. Good morning, I hope you don’t mind my intrusion. I didn’t know how else to thank you for letting me stay last night. When I realized that you and Brad were still asleep, this was the best I could think of.” As she spoke, she was already serving the kids. By the time she turned back to me, I was able to muster a smile. “It’s fine. Thank you by the way. You just saved us a lot of time and not that you had any debt to repay but if you did you’ve already repaid them.” She smiled gratefully. I saw Lisa at the table, also smiling but hers was a little bit too smug. Is it possible that she was happy to see my discomfort in the face of her mom’s kindness. I couldn’t believe that. Lisa and I have never had any problems before, except in those early days when I first started seeing her father. We’ve mostly gotten along fine…up until now. I don’t know why but throughout breakfast, I kept getting the feeling that Lisa was enjoying this uncomfortable situation way more than she should.

Halfway through breakfast, Brad finally appeared looking jovial, as if our little interlude this morning never happened. Anytime we had an argument for whatsoever reason, we try to hide the tension from the children. It’s ridiculously easy for kids to pick up on vibes in the house. Being the business exec that he is, Brad is always spot on with his pretense. I, on the other hand, tend to get too invested in arguments and therefore, it is a bit harder to shake the tense heat from my bones. As he came into the dining room, his smile faltered a bit when he set eyes on Grace but just for a second. If I wasn’t watching him closely, I probably wouldn’t have seen it. However, what his face could hide, his voice couldn’t. When he spoke, he sounded colder than the Artic. “Good morning everyone. Having breakfast without me?” I looked at the kids and was relieved to see that they didn’t appear to have noticed. I looked at him, silently warning him to be careful. He ignored me and focused on Grace, “Good morning Grace, how was your night?” “Beautiful, especially since I got to spend it with my darling Lisa. You’ve done a good job raising her into a beautiful, charming young lady. Thank you Brad.” Brad was thrown off by her gratitude. Right then and there, I understood how smart Grace was…and how well she knew Brad. He wasn’t an easy man to please or flatter but any one who knew Brad was that the best way to his heart was through his family, especially his kids. Not knowing how to respond to Grace, he turned to me and said, “that was fast. I actually thought you would still be in the kitchen.” Before I could explain to him how it was possible, Lisa jumped in and said, “Actually, it was mom that cooked it, NOT Amanda.” I was shocked that Lisa called me by my first name. She hadn’t called me that since the early days of my marriage to her father.

As I stared at her, dumbfounded, she gave me a look that clearly said, “What? You didn’t expect me to still call you mom when my real mom is right here with me?” That should have been the least of my problems. As I stared at Lisa, I jumped at the sound of Brad’s voice, “Amanda, may I speak with you privately.” I knew that wasn’t a question. If I thought his voice was colder than the Artic before, now it was definitely colder than the North Pole. Even the children felt it this time. Kim and Ken dropped their spoons while Lisa frowned slightly at them. Brad didn’t wait for my response or to see the effect his words, or rather his tone had. He just walked away, expecting me to follow, which obviously, I did.