Losing The Light Of The Moon

What The Heart Wants...

Chapter 39: What The Heart Wants...

JILLIAN

Standing in the pantry, I stared off aimlessly at the canned goods, guilt continuing to weigh heavily on my heart...

Tell him, Mrs. Dottie linked, He’s going to find out eventually, Jillie, and it’s killing you. Everything you are doing is to help him—so tell him!

I can’t tell him! I’m supposed to be ‘acting’ like his mate to get information, remember? I exclaimed, Arturo will be right there!

Walking into the pantry, Mrs. Dottie reached up to the top shelf, grabbing an old canister that she sat down beside me, Tell him that too—secretly. 

Secretly? How do you propose I do that? I countered.

I looked up to see her grinning at me, With the blue notepad in that canister. It’s Amelia’s. They’ve been using them to send notes to their rogue spies. I heard her explain to Luscious once that they are protectively cloaked and disappear within five minutes after they are opened so there is no trace of them left, so keep it short.  Her desk drawer broke while Amelia was pulling one out for Kristoff last week, scattering them all over the floor while I was changing her sheets. Several fell under the bed, and I slid one into my pocket while they had their backs turned.

If they find out—I frantically began, only to be cut off.

If they do, they will be told it must have fallen into the dirty sheets I carried out. I found it on the floor, not realizing it was hers, and tossed it in there with the rest of the notepads, not thinking. Keep them in here and write your notes, Mrs. Dottie assured me, If we are found out, you will tell them exactly what I just told you—if they don’t believe me, I’m old—and I’m willing to take this risk for you. Stop thinking you don’t deserve to get out of here and have a better life, Jillie, because you deserve that and more! TELL HIM!

Tears formed in my eyes as shame consumed me, I can’t let you do this. Besides, he’ll hate me. He’ll refuse me.

You can and WILL let me do this! Maybe if you are honest now, Jillie, Mattias will understand,  Mrs. Dottie replied in a loving, motherly tone, You take a risk—explain it to him. You have been given no choice but to do what you have done to survive and are doing it now to save him! Mattias will hate it and may react as you fear—but you have to allow him to decide—be truthful—I have a gut feeling that young man may surprise you.

*********

As Arturo waited at the top of the stairs to make his entrance, I walked down towards Mattias, who greeted me with a cute toothy grin that made my heart pound in my chest in response, whispering out, “Hey! I didn’t think dinner was ever going to get here! Are you okay after earlier? Did something happen after you went back upstairs? I can smell his scent on you.”

“No,” I anxiously replied, hating myself for lying to him, “Well—shoved around a little, but I’m fine.”  I heard him growl lowly in response as I looked down at the tray before connecting with his eyes again. Attempting to reflect the importance of my words in my gaze, I urged, “I’m fine, really. Just eat, please—for me.”   

Mattias looked down at the covered dish before regretfully replying, “I’m sorry, he hurt you because of me. I’ll eat this time—that way he won’t be mad at you.”

Crouching down, I placed the tray on the floor before opening the small access door to slide it in, as Mattias bent down on the other side, reaching out to place his hand on top of mine as shocks of pleasure flowed through my body and my wolf fought again to escape from its captivity inside me. 

Standing up, Mattias nodded before walking over to sit on the end of his bed, his back facing the entryway as I hoped, as he lifted the cover and looked down at the sandwich, appearing a bit puzzled, “So, another sandwich. Guess they wouldn’t let you make it up to me, huh?”

Eyeing the sandwich before I looked at Mattias with pleading eyes, I quietly stated, “Silly Jillie fact, when I was little, I used to dissect my sandwiches and eat everything separately.”

“Maybe I should try that from the looks of it,” Mattias deadpanned in distaste before laughing under his breath as he lifted the bread up, slowly peeling up a few layers before seeing my note, his eyes widening slightly as he read the top of my folded note, HE’S WATCHING! KEEP TALKING! HIDE THIS! READ LATER!, swallowing hard before quietly continuing, “Or maybe not, probably won’t make it taste any better, but thanks for the tip.”

I nervously breathed out as Mattias carefully slid the note into the band of his jeans, “You’re welcome, at least I could make you laugh for now.”

Mattias smiled at me, enabling me to calm slightly as he set the tray down on his bed, picking up the sandwich before standing up to slowly walk back towards me while cautiously glancing sideways at the entrance, “How about some more silly Jillie facts? Or any Jillie facts?”

“I love to go swimming,” I honestly stated, laughing softly afterwards, “I hate dirt between my toes, which makes things interesting. My wolf tends to love running through mud. Drives me nuts. How about you?”

“Love cookies, big starch eater—hint, hint,” Mattias playfully grinned, scrunching his nose at the sandwich, “Hate long boring meetings and piles of paperwork.”

“That’s not good, especially if you’re going to be an Alpha,” I uncomfortably replied, suddenly nervous again, something that didn’t go unnoticed...

“I am going to be an Alpha,” Mattias softly comforted, reluctantly admitting, “Though not by choice, by legacy, if that helps.”

I peered up at him, my expression instantly confused, sharply breathing out, “Y-You don’t want to be Alpha?”

“I don’t know,” Mattias shamefully replied in a hushed tone, “It’s a lot to live up to—my grandfather, my great-grandfather, Nicholas—my family—they’re all so good at it! I'm afraid of being a disappointment—you know—like getting myself kidnapped by being stupid and going into a forbidden area with no guards?”  Looking over at Guntur, he muttered under his breath, “Endangering my best friend because of my choices? Wish he would wake up already...”

“Everyone makes mistakes,” I earnestly told him, “Sometimes with good intentions...if you really take time to look at it.”

“No good intentions here,” Mattias dejectedly sighed out, “Just stupidity from a would-be future Alpha.”

“I think you are going to make a great Alpha,” I sweetly breathed out, “We all learn from mistakes—helps us make better choices.”

Lifting his brow, Mattias chuckled, “You’re awfully philosophical to be eighteen—sure you aren’t older?” His tone softening, he affectionately said, “Maybe with you by my side, I can—”

“Jillie!” Arturo angrily barked out, charging down the stairs, “I thought I told you to leave the tray and get back upstairs!”

“It’s my fault,” Mattias immediately defended, “I asked if you guys have something more appealing than stale sandwiches. Not really my thing.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, future Alpha! Would you like us to create a menu for your approval?” Arturo sarcastically countered, stomping towards us, “You’re a hostage! You’re lucky we are feeding you at all!”

As he reached us, my frightened expression was real, even though the action was planned, as I felt Arturo’s fingers wrap around my throat as he spat out, “Getting a bit friendly, Jillian! What did I tell you earlier?”

“Hey! I said it was my fault! Let her go!” Mattias protectively roared, hitting the bars hard with his hand to get Arturo’s attention, which worked—as planned...

“Looks like you are getting a bit chummy too,” Arturo evilly grinned as he tightened his grip, “Tell you what, why don’t we see how concerned you really are about Jillian?”

***********

TATIANA

Mahan was pouring some tea for us as I leaned my head back to rest on the pillow he placed behind me, thoughts of the day running through my head—specifically thoughts of Horacio’s reaction to my return...

The minute Nicholas and I appeared, Horacio frantically called out to me, the panic in his voice echoing throughout my entire body as I saw rare fear in his eyes looking at my head and neck, immediately asking about the blood in my hair and begging me to let Talon take me to the hospital to make sure I was alright.

It broke my heart to know what I was putting Horacio through, but I also felt something else deep inside my heart as the heavy concern reflected in every word he spoke was so heartfelt, even in his frightful state—a feeling that continued to grow as he sat so close—so protectively—beside me. 

As Nicholas was describing what happened, Horacio was commenting to me privately—incensed about the attack set forth by Frieda and Prue and Nicholas and Beast’s arrival after the damage to me had been done, even after I told him that it happened quickly and I had it under control. And then there was the news about Amelia...Horacio’s protectiveness over me was abundant, as he swore she wouldn’t live this time around—he would make sure of it...

While I was carrying on conversations outwardly, Horacio and I were continuing to have our own private discussion. While he’s not a fan of my sisters—not that he ever really was—he was in awe of my battle with The Chosen and said the kindest words about what I had done at The Council, wishing he could have been there to see it. 

I detracted from telling him about my time alone when he asked, and thankfully, Horacio didn’t press me about it. Instead, he said that he wished I had stayed and been a Spirit Walker, but after hearing the story about Soloman, Alastor, and Nicholas, in truth—to him, I was a Spirit Walker as well as a Crescent Moon—a shared treasure for both. I felt so very warm inside when he said that and when he told me he would check on me later after hearing Mahan was accompanying me to my room, though on the outside I was freezing—and still was.

Handing me a cup of tea, Mahan laughed out softly, “You know, it has always been amazing to me that you are so warm with that huge heart of yours inside that your body catches a chill so easily! Maybe you should try being more wicked to stay warm! Though wicked seems to get you into trouble—I’m still concerned about the injury to your head and your neck is quite bruised.”

“Don’t tempt me, Mahan,” I lightly chided, taking the cup and snuggling into my blanket, “fortunately for Lorenzo and Soren, you are sitting beside me right now—and didn’t call me a pint-sized pixie! And do not fear, all will be well in the morning, I promise! It won’t look nearly as bad as it does now.”

“In their defense, it truly was meant endearingly,” Mahan softly consoled, “and I thought it was rather cute description of you. Like many, however, I do wish I had been present in the courtroom that day. I’ve heard the story many times, of course, mostly from my father. He admired you a great deal as well. You do always leave a lasting impression.”

“Jules was always kind to me. I enjoyed the long talks we shared. We would always try to out quote one another,” I thoughtfully relayed, looking deep into his grey eyes that sparkled with gold, “Just as I always enjoy our conversations when we have an opportunity to chat alone—both of you with the same gorgeous eyes to appreciate as well!”

“You and I share beauty in our irises, both have sparkle in them—something I know you love and bring into every room you walk into,” Mahan kindly returned, “But enough of the flattery between us, as we could be up all night as fond as we have always been of one another—why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind, Tati.”

Running my finger along the rim of my cup, I hesitated before quietly asking him, “Do you find it difficult—loving both Irina and Loa?”

Leaning back further onto the couch, Mahan looked down at his cup, tranquilly replying, “At times it felt like a balance and part of me felt quite guilty, especially as the Moon Goddess gifted me two extraordinary mates, sending me Irina even though I never refused her first gift, Loa—though it’s not unheard of to have multiple mates.”

Peering over at me, Mahan ardently continued, “But what I finally realized after much contemplation was that it was possible to allow both Loa and Irina access to my heart—sharing the space there—because I love them both very passionately—but in very different ways. I’m incredibly grateful to have a second chance with Loa, but I also miss Irina terribly and always will. But I know she would want me happy.”

“But they were both gifted to you as destiny by the Moon Goddess,” I thought out loud, taking a sip before affectionately continuing, “I am glad you and Loa were able to reconnect, and you have finally found the happiness with her you always desired, Mahan. I like Loa a great deal and have enjoyed getting to know her immensely.”

“Loa has enjoyed it as well and has grown quite fond of you, not surprisingly,” Mahan chuckled out, “As has our Badru, who already held you in the highest regard as part of Auntie’s army, but after hearing your story this afternoon, is completely dedicated to you and even more protective. He feels your whole army should be present at all future meetings you partake in. Seems all my family enjoy spending time here at Crescent Moon. Fortunately, they can return instantly now, so I don’t feel quite as abandoned.”

“Badru is quite amazing, Mahan, and I’m so very fond of him as well,” I sweetly returned, “You are fortunate to have him as Beta and I can already tell you that Luminara is going to make an incredible Alpha. She and Badru are so perfectly matched—they will both bode well for Moon Stone’s future. And as far as Auntie’s army, that same opinion was told to me by all of them this evening. Seems there was a meeting of the minds between them all—a vote was cast on that subject—and it was unanimous. My fault really—I did choose very strong-minded individuals for my team who melded together as a solid unit just as I wished—only now I’m being told I’m outnumbered in my own army—perhaps choosing to have five Betas on my team was my downfall.” 

Mahan laughed out loud at my last revelation before peering over at me with the gentlest, most comforting, impassioned gaze, “Julien loved you Tati, as passionately if not more than I have been fortunate enough to love, and the one thing I can tell you without any reservation is he would want you to be happy. We were robbed of Julien far too early, and he was robbed of you for far too long—we all were—events that are heartbreaking travesties that I will never understand.”

Taking my hand in his, Mahan sincerely continued, “I know your heart and I know you, Tati. You have always paved your own road in life—fiercely, fearlessly, and independently. Your heart is beautiful and so full of love—if you have an opportunity and desire to share it with someone—do not hesitate and do not think that it is required to be a gift of destiny from the Moon Goddess. There is risk in everything we do, you know that better than anyone, and I would rather you take that risk than to not be loved and cherished for the beautiful and amazing woman you are!”

**************

HORACIO

Letting out a hastened breath as I sat on the edge of my bed, I stood up again, like I had done several times since I came back to my room, running my hand through my hair as I walked over to the window. Pulling the curtain back, I looked up at the stars in the sky, trying to remain calm...but I was antsy—truthfully, I’ve been antsy since Tati got home. Maybe that’s my problem—I held it all in outside at the table and now it’s all spilling out...

I needed her home safe so I could breathe—but, instead, I couldn't breathe at all after she came home injured after a battle with two damn witches at The Council prison!  I told Tati I was angry at Nicholas and Beast and initially I was...it was their job to protect her, and they didn’t... Eventually, however, I accepted the truth...they couldn’t. It all happened too fast, forcing my Fairy Queen to face it alone. Why was it she always ended up having to face things alone? It was maddening to me...

While I was grateful to hear all the stories about Tati and cherished all the knowledge and insight I gained, my light that enabled me to push through the darkness had her head slammed against metal prison bars by Frieda! I would kill that damn witch one day—somehow, someway—I would KILL FRIEDA!  

I should have told her to link me after her visit with Mahan. That was a surprising request—to both Jace and I apparently. I didn’t want to disturb them, but I was desperate to see her—alone, so I didn’t feel like I had to be careful about what I said...so I could breathe and talk to Tati openly without any hesitation or concern that I would say too much or overstep...or accidentally reveal what I really felt for her inside...

Someone knocked on my door, pulling me from my harrowing thoughts. As I opened it, I was caught off guard by the surprise visitors on the other side...

“Hello, Horacio,” Persephone warmly greeted me as Reina pleasantly smiled at me beside her, “Do you mind if we come in for a moment for a short chat—about our sister?”