New Year's miracle |18+

Chapter Six

Hank

And now he knew for sure, nothing had passed. He clings to her as much as before. As hard and hopeless as she was...

So, despite everything he had done, she didn't hate him? Even the way he behaved in the hospital after the accident, didn't he give up on himself and his feelings for her? Is there a chance?..

He no longer doubted that he needed this chance badly. After all, I couldn't stand it yesterday, pressed myself, stepped on my throat, told myself that there were no rights... and still called right away when it just might not seem so "obvious". There was no peace in my soul, as I looked out the window. In this blizzard, which for no reason, for no reason, played out in the city. Worried about Jillian...

Really, and when in the last six months has he had anything like peace inside at all?

Fucking in the mouth! How many mistakes Hank has made!

In a few months, he destroyed what they already had, which should have been growing and developing all their lives, becoming even more powerful... And for what? Pride and shame, some kind of infringed childish ego have ruined the lives of adults. It's like someone turned off his brain for a couple of months. And everything collapsed.

But after all, he rushed here at the crack of dawn, allowing himself to start using money normally for the first time in recent months, because he could bet on anything that Jill would show up at the office before everyone else. Too responsible. Didn't he know her well? Even with excess... And too vulnerable. I understood that I had hooked the evening and Jill, disturbed her. I must have been winding myself up half the night... his favorite.

But there is no right to call her that anymore. Only that is in my thoughts.

"Do you want coffee?" I broke the strange, almost intimate silence of this office. It seemed that if she strained a little, her heartbeat would hear her.

He wasn't going to let Jill forget about himself, even though he understood that there really was something to study in those papers. And it wouldn't hurt for him to look. But how can I force myself to tear myself away from looking at her face, her hair, which was really attracted to touch again?...

Jill shuddered, shot her eyes at him through her eyelashes.

"I want to." She went back to the papers. "I didn't have time to drink."

"I'll do it now." Hank went to the coffee machine standing in the corner on the mini-bar counter of the director's office. I haven't been drunk since morning either.

Coffee has not been observed at home for a week. I should buy it. It's time to come out of your self-imposed seclusion. Punished yourself? Deprived of everything that led to this fall. Did it help? Only time will tell, but the brains are in place, it seems.

While the device was humming, turning it on, I looked around. It's been a while since he's been here. And I was ashamed of that, too. That's why he wasn't particularly freaking out now, and he wasn't mad at Douglas. I've changed my mind a lot since the door closed behind Jill yesterday. He never really slept that night. And I made honest conclusions for once.

The arrival of the blonde seemed to push him out of the viscous and muddy swamp of hatred for himself and everything he had done. For some reason, it was today that Hank looked at the situation from the outside. It was as if he was pulled out of this moment, his consciousness was separated, as in films they sometimes show that the soul jumps out of the body during accidents...

But nothing like that happened to him then. When I drove into a bump on the road, I just passed out. I didn't even fasten my seat belt... It's good that the car is cool, all the airbags worked. Otherwise, he would have died already. Maybe it would be for the best? How to understand? Or should I realize something was, draw conclusions?

He was too angry, too drunk and... desperate, what was there to hide and no insight, insight, or revelation happened to him. Only a wild pain inside, resentment at Jill, tears, anger at yourself... Well, a crippled body, yes.

Now, after almost six months, I could openly say: thank you for not ruining or injuring anyone, except myself.

And Hank didn't feel sorry for himself. Then even more so. Jill left him a week before the incident. With pride, cold contempt and a fair, sternum-cutting reproach. No screams or tears, even though Hank could see their painful gleam in her eyes.

And this erased him into dust, trampled him into the ground...

Did you want to kill yourself? Yes, I probably wanted to, even if I wouldn't admit it to anyone myself. I didn't give myself an honest answer right away either.

And I wanted to forget. Erase it from memory. That's why I got drunk to "unconsciousness". To strangle, trample, pour pain and shame onto yourself.

Only, f**k, it didn't work a damn thing! And he could drink himself into a dead end time after time... and still remember: he was to blame for everything. In her pain, in his... That he offended the woman he loved, betrayed her...

It was really scary to understand. Annihilating. Especially from her just quiet reproaches...

*****

Flashback

"You don't even know who it was. Didn't love her, didn't feel attracted..."Betrayed us, just to prove to others that you are your own boss and decide for yourself what to do? Was their opinion so important to you?" she chuckled, but he saw how pale she was...

Despised himself no less than she probably did. But Hank couldn't get away from himself. But he didn't detain her. And he was silent. What words can justify moronism and treason? It was only through drunkenness that permissiveness beckoned; he seemed to himself the "master of life". But on a sober head... all the monstrosity of the perfect ate out the brains from the inside. I'm sick and sick of myself.

He did not understand how he had done such a thing, no matter how much he had drunk, no matter how those with whom he spent time would have egged him on, how they would not have pressed for some unfinished children's complexes. But all this did not justify him.

And Jill looked at him as if he was a stranger. And so, as if she understood everything that was in his head. Yes, only it offended her even more. And it serves him right.

So what? Proved it? Convinced them? "Man," right?.. Jill could look at him in a way that made him feel like s**t. However, wasn't he such at that moment? Is it a sign of a man to f**k everything that knows how to wag his ass, Hank? Or did I restrict your freedom once? Forced to do something?

He was silent again. There were no arguments. I agree with her in every word. Only in hindsight, nothing can be returned, not erased.

"Is this the life you wanted? Did you strive for this? Then I won't interfere. I have enough pride and respect for myself."

And she left without even slamming the door. And he didn't catch up. For what right?

Flashback end

*****

Shame tore pride and self-esteem to shreds. The whole picture of the world and the ideas about himself that had developed over almost thirty years were breaking down. And it suddenly became crystal clear how low he was. And he's not a f*****g hero. And as a man – "so-so", a shitty specimen, because he betrayed his family and beloved for nothing.

And he didn't get a kick out of it at all. And who likes such realizations?

Because of this, I was even more furious.

And, most importantly, why did you destroy everything? For the sake of cheap show-offs and "tinsel", in order to prove something to people who have always been an empty place for him? Stuck? Maybe. As a child, he fell for it weakly, began to prove to the teasing that he was no worse. And anything can happen too... The f*****g "king of the world", damn it!

Pride led me to where I shouldn't have been.

How the brains were blown out of my head when I finally achieved my goal. There was free money, which could no longer be put into business, but spent on yourself. A lot of money. The car, the apartment is new, renovated... And a new social circle, customers. Everyone is spoiled, in many ways disbanded, and they say about such people "they get mad with fat.".. So Hank got carried away with them.

Perhaps the fact is that I have never been particularly favored by luck? His life did not endow him with a rich family, connections, a good start, or lottery winnings. To be honest, Jill was his greatest success before, the gift of life, which he never expected. And so stupidly f****d up as a result.

A provincial part of the metropolis, a two-room apartment in which he grew up, and it was still considered among his friends that they were lucky with housing. Anyway, my father worked at the factory at one time. The salary was not always given, and it was not particularly big, but two rooms were eventually received for three, not one... And yes, if you look at the neighbors, they really lived well, even if they were getting by with potatoes for cheap pasta with expired meat. It is very difficult for a light-skinned guy to survive in the South Bronx. The areas of Hunts Point and Moth Haven that he didn't want to go back to in the world. And Hank wanted more. He still didn't know what exactly, but such a house, so as not to listen to the screams and swearing of drunken neighbors every night, always ending in a fight.

And then my father left. "Tired," as he explained his choice without looking into Hank's eyes. From what? From his wife? From a hopeless situation at work? From the fact that it is necessary to provide for a family and a son?

Unclear. He moved to the nearest small town to some punchy aunt who works as an administrator in a rundown grocery store, left his job, became interested in gardening. And I practically didn't visit them afterwards.

Okay, Hank accepted that, too. Only even more, even more acutely, did I realize that I wanted to escape from this miserable and gray existence, ending with an extinct look and a search for oblivion in a bottle.

He graduated from the most ordinary school. There were no others in their area. I went to contract service because my mother didn't even have money to buy bread, and the allowance they lived on was barely enough to pay for utilities. And as soon as he reached the required age, he immediately went to the local recruits to be registered. He was of a very good build and everything was fine with his health, so he was immediately sent to a hot spot for service. But there are new friends and opportunities there...

But Hank didn't want to get into crime. And in order to realize a dream. That's where he was lucky, he probably wasn't bullied for it. Those who wanted to were taken into the "case". Who, like Hank, did not want to get involved in this, simply and conscientiously carried out their service. He even managed, so far, to keep a couple of friends from that time, despite the fact that they, unlike him, did not refuse the opportunity that turned up.

Well, to each his own.

Hank also tried to break through after the army. I entered university, graduated, started working. And all this time he was looking for ways and opportunities...

He had loved guns since childhood. These are the few happy memories that were associated with my father. He loved guns and hunting. And Hank instilled this passion, it turns out. It has only become fixed in the service... But I also did not immediately come to the idea of doing exactly a dangerous thing. I tried everything, honestly tried to get at my economic education. I was selling auto parts. More or less enough to live on...

But not that, f**k! It didn't suit him at all! And raged inside, looking for options. And then I somehow got a closer look at the same James... He did not ask where and how Dyson got the left weapon, did not find out where he sold it and who covered it. But he thought hard.

And he began to look for other, more legitimate options. Well, there must be a normal, legitimate market! I asked some, contacted others, studying the "supply and demand". Little by little, he unwound a little. No one would have let him start. That's understandable. And yet.

He called Douglas with him. They studied together at the university with him. Douglas, a bit of a "nerd" in life and very intelligent in numbers, was little adapted to reality. However, they somehow became friends with him in the first year. Either Douglas was looking for a strong disguise among his classmates, and Hank, who had already served, was exactly what the guy saw, or something in their aspirations and characters, not obvious and incomprehensible, simply coincided. This friendship did not break up even after uni. And Douglas didn't like working for anyone either. They were eager to have something of their own, but he didn't really know how to generate ideas.

So we were looking for options. For a long time, they poked, beat their foreheads against one wall, then another. And they took loans, and mortgaged their entire property... But they still managed! We were able to break through and achieve everything we wanted, even with hard labor and strain!

Hank met Jill about three years ago. He has already organized Phoenix, but has just begun to declare himself in the right circles. At first, in general, something like a*****e with pneumatic weapons, hunting, ammunition and consumables was created. Shallow, in the basement. But we were striving for more. Something serious. Large-scale. Only Hank, with his economic education, did not know much about the nuances, but he did not want to break the law, and in legal terms, so that they would not cling. It sat deep and strong in him. So he went to the office that he was advised. For legal advice... And he found her–Jillian.

From the first meeting, I realized that he desperately needed a blonde. If not more dreams of success and income, then with no less force. And it didn't matter that at that time she had a fiance who worked in the same office, which Jill immediately informed him about as soon as Hank began to openly demonstrate his interest.

And he was all on his side then. Wanted her. Not to f**k stupidly, but so that Jill becomes his woman, so that she can be strong and single-handedly. I didn't notice any obstacles. I didn't pay attention to the fact that she refuses invitations to dates, restaurants and walks.

Fuck you, he will retreat!

I came to the consultation once, twice, three times... Even though I already found out everything that interested me, I couldn't stop. And not only because this woman immediately ate up to the vertebrae with her irony, her mocking and laughing eyes, the aroma of grapefruit, which Jill seemed to be chasing! Her dimples on her cheeks when she smiled, this hypertrophied "eco" obsession, about which I learned more and more at almost every meeting: that she uses only bio-packages, sorts garbage, monitors the amount of "produced" waste, does not recognize fur products and dreams of an electric car... My God! Well, who in their country bothered with this? What for? It's pointless. What will it change?!

He didn't know a single person who was obsessed with such a thing, except for Jill herself.

But, strangely, it did not annoy or anger her – it aroused interest and a desire to understand the girl deeper. And I found out about her love of musicals...

For the first time, it seems, then I used my friendship with James Dyson. For the first time, I asked a friend for a favor – I got two tickets to a closed premiere at Radio City Music Hall, where a foreign troupe came on tour. He didn't really know what was waiting for him, but he understood that it was almost impossible for Jill to refuse such a chance to attend a performance that she just couldn't get to.