I can fight too

chapter 5

A lot has changed over the past week.

After that conversation with Benz, I prepared for my upcoming class test and went to bed with a sense of accomplishment. I guess the questions were not that bad I mean, I think I did pretty well this time.

so last week had been a week that was quite uneventful but then, I feel my heart getting heavier every time I think about it. Nothing serious happened but then, you can blame it on my insecurity about the relationships that I have. 

Although Benz, me, and Mia eat lunch together and watch movies together, I am starting to feel that I am a third wheel. I mean, there are now lots of things that Benz shares with Mia than to me and whenever we are together, I am always dumbfounded with the latest updates (for me that is).

I hardly shared my events with Benz and we missed the horse riding program because Benz had to help Mia with her new art project or something and she had to submit it the following day. There is no big deal really but then, I guess it's new to me. Having a new friend who is the crush of your best friend and having awkward moments where we learn something new that the other didn't know about. Guess that's why many of the classmates that I know talked about having fake friends and all. I don't mean to say that Mia is a bad guy here but then, it's just that I am feeling a gap between me and Benz that wasn't there before.

"back to earth dear"Oh that sweet voice again! I mean, is this girl a witch or something? Why is she always sweet? why is she always perfect with everything?

"yeah sorry... what did you say?" I ask back with a smile as I now notice that the coffee that I ordered has arrived and now it's cold. what is wrong with me? Why do I get distracted so easily these days? 

"so, one of my friends from my Mathematics class, Evelyn invited me and the two of you for her birthday party tomorrow so what do you say?" she asks as her chocolate eyes shined as she talked about the party.

"well, I think I will pass" I reply as I mumble a sorry her way.

partying and drinking is not the way I want to live. I have seen people drinking way out of their capacity and then landing on a dead bed. I just don't want to live that life.  I still remember that horrible incident three years ago when my mother had a little too much to drink for some reason and she cried, cursed, showed her tantrum, and broke almost all the things in the kitchen. I was just 13 then and I couldn't do anything but hide under my bed, covering my ears and trying hard not to cry so loudly because I was afraid that she would beat me up if she spots me.

"Car prefers to stay away from the crowd as much as she can because she had a terrible incident in the past" Benz interjects bringing me back to the present.

"well, that's enough of the details there Benz" I warn as I look sternly at him. I mean, I don't share my life and the small things so quickly with anyone. I accept that Mia is a sweet girl and she is a good friend but I don't want her to know every detail of my life!

"that's okay Carrie, maybe some other time then" Mia smiles with pity in her eyes and that is exactly why I hate to share my life with anyone.

"oh, it's almost 2 pm. I promised Kate to help arrange the books today. I don't want to disappoint her so see you guys tomorrow" I rattle as I collect my spectacles from the table and put it in my bag.

"so you are not coming for the movie night?" Benz inquires as I stand up to head towards the library.

I pretend to think for some time but my mind id made up. I need some time to put my emotions intact.

" well, I think I might not make it today. But you guys have fun" I give Mia a hug and a pat on Benz's back before heading towards the library.

I feel guilty but then I didn't expect Benz to just blurt out about my past to Mia. well, it's given that he is my best friend but that was my story to tell and he didn't have the right to speak about any of it. I think I may have overreacted but then, I don't know what's actually wrong with me, there is a sharp piercing in my heart and it feels heavy. I don't know why.

I guess that's because I don't have anyone to pour out my feelings on. You know, I rarely got my turn to share what's going on in my life with Benz because they are too busy in their own world. Guess that's what happens when one is in love; forgetting about friends.

"Hello, Carrie dear!" Miss Kate greets me as she looks at me through her reading glasses with a heartwarming smile. There is something about her smile that makes me feel at ease and forget my worries.

"Hi Kate" I wave back as I head her way to ask if there is anything I could help her with. 

"How have you been dear?" there is concern written all over her face. 

why can't my mom be like her? sweet, caring, and loving

"same old same old" I reply trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible.

"so, can I help you with anything today Kate?" I ask as I look at her removing the reading glass and placing it on the table.

"I think there is nothing to do for today. But thanks for asking dear. And I want to apologize again for not being able to help you last time" her face is serious and there is no trace of a smile anywhere on her face.

"actually, Ryan dropped me home last time, " I blurt out as I recall that horrible and creepy night. And that reminds me, I did not see Ryan after that. But hey, I'm not complaining.

"oh! did he?" why does she sound surprised now? Didn't she ask him to drop me off last time?

"well, didn't you send him back to drop me off?" inquire as too many questions start popping into my head.

"I don't think so. I mean, I thought Benz was going to pick you up and when we left, you were not there so I thought you already left" her eyes are totally focused on me as if searching for an answer or rather, trying to verify her doubts.

"well, something came up then and he couldn't make it. I was just walking through the school gate when Ryan offered me the ride." I fill her in and try to hide the uneasiness I am feeling right now because that's not all part of the story.

" he didn't even mention it to me" she was looking through the window but I am sure that he is not seeing anything that's outside that window. 

what would he say? that I acted like a three-year-old kid and an ungrateful kid at that? 

Good that he was not into gossips. I smile at that thought and look up at kate to see her cooking her eyes again. 

"umm...seems like he forgot to mention that to you. anyways see you later, I better not disturb your reading Kate" I explain as I move away from her to avoid more awkward moments.

"well okay. I am here if you need anything" she exclaimed and put on her reading glass.

"thank you, Kate" I nod her way and then head towards the corner most table that has the heater near it and a charging port that's located just below the wide window. well, the best part of this place is, I can choose to be seen from that window and if I don't want anyone to see me, all I need to do is close the shutter.  Being here, makes me feel safe and secure because most students don't visit this part of the library and it gives me the privacy and place I need.

I take out my phone, connect it to my earphone, and put it on so that I can avoid other fellow students from disturbing me and believe me when I say that It works. Ha! Students here need to eat more almonds I guess.

I had been reading every day since last week and so far, I have finished ten books and this will be my eleventh so yeah you can call me a nerd. I don't mind at all!

so I put on my reading glass and open my book and begin my journey towards another world. Man, am I feeling light?

Hell yeah!

"Is this seat taken?" Too much for being happy! and This bold and arrogant voice seems familiar but I am not going to analyze it and ruin my mood. And hey, I have an earphone plugged in so whoever this is will leave after few trials.

I continue reading as I see the figure walking away from my peripheral vision.

yup! That was definitely that arrogant B.

Shaking my head from all the thoughts that are trying to pop out, I continue reading. 

I love my earphone. Yippie!!!