Scene of Eve

[ chapter 16 ]

I don’t exactly know what time it already is. But I am sure that my whole body f*****g aches and my head is about to explode. But the ache was not enough to numb the ache in my chest. I thought it would just feel empty once Lizel left. But…

It f*****g hurts.

“Yow dude, open up!” The knocking outside my house isn’t exactly helping my aches calm down but it is making my morning worse.

“f**k, Xander, it’s too early. What do you want?” I screamed while massaging my temples, still lying flat on my beat, alcohol and puke smelling sofa.

“Early? If you open up, you're gonna see how the sun has been up long enough for your ‘early’ excuse to be valid!” Xander screams back, his knocks only getting louder.

Knowing how stubborn Xander is, I grunted a breath before getting up to let him in, “What, Xander? This better be good, my body is aching. My head is aching. My- You know. Nevermind. Help yourself to whatever. I’ll be in my room. So show yourself out late-”

“Oh you’re not sleeping in, Ian.” Xander said as he randomly threw a pair of shoes my way along with my cardigan on the floor.

“Where are we going?” My eyes squinted at the brightness outside.

“Where we always go when you need to feel the rush of ideas.”

_ 

Xander drove us to the race track where a number of cars were lined up. Some were already occupied with a driver, but like us, there are those who are hungrily gawking at the ones unoccupied. Racing has always been something that got me back up from feeling a certain slump in writing for the band. 

“Xander, I can perfectly write a song anyti-”

“Ian.” I didn’t notice how Tiana approached, moreso that she cut her hair pretty short from the naturally long, rose gold hair she always had covering half her face.

“Momma Tats, what are you-” I was about to ask how she’s still here. I assumed she would be with Lizel right now.

“I didn’t come with her. She didn’t want anyone with her,” She knew, of course, that I was going to ask about Lizel and how she’s here and not some place else, probably running around to every whim that Lizel wants. “but she did tell me to give you this.”

Tiana handed me a piece of- “A receipt?”

Tiana was also looking at me, waiting for answers as well. I looked at the piece of paper in my hand and realized that it was from The Ark Diner. The print is no longer clear, but a graphic boat symbol on top is still visible. I turned the paper around and saw a short message in Lizel’s handwriting: 

Thanks for saving and bringing me with you to the Ark. But the waves have calmed down. It’s time I find my life back.  - ? Liz 

Without even meaning to, I found The Ark receipt in pieces on the ground. 

“Let’s race.” I didn’t even wait for Xander nor Tiana to say anything else as I entered the closest race car and wore the helmet waiting by the seat. Along with the cars’ engine, my emotions revved up too and before I knew it, I was full of a sobbing mess. All the cars rushed past me, leaving me alone stuck in the starting line while they all found a fast and steady pace to race too. 

“Hey,” Tiana’s timid knock on the car roof made me jump in surprise. “Drive safely, yeah? I know someone wouldn’t want you nursing injuries from reckless racing.” 

Wrong move, Tiana. Now I just want to drive recklessly until I collide with something. Maybe even collide with Xander’s car and have him injured. That would get him to stop him from visiting me. That would stop him from demanding something more for Of Canticles Dying. After all, my canticles are slowly losing their purpose. No reason to really make them anymore. 

I started Of Canticles Dying because I was searching for something. And that search, unintentional or not, brought me to someone. And suddenly, all canticles are for that someone. I found what I was searching for. I found her. But just when I was finding a stance for what Of Canticles Dying really is, it shattered. I crushed back down because she was ripped away without mercy. 

I found what Of Canticles Dying is but it - she - refused. Rather, she just let me borrow, get a taste, before- No.

Not wanting to even think about her anymore, I stepped on the gas and raced. I may be one lap away compared to the other drivers, but it’s not them I’m after. It’s no longer a race for the win. 

_

[flashback]

“Race but don’t bump.” Lizel was giggling as she was fixing the buckle on my helmet after wagging a finger towards Xander. 

The last time Xander and I raced, we both got a little too carried away at competing and I ended up bumping his car’s rear none too gently. The fucker even had the guts to take his revenge as he too bumped my own car’s rear. But it was more than revenge. It almost cost both of our lives. No one knew nor expected it, but Xander’s bump was more than a bump. It was a crash that sent his car skidding off the race track while mine hit concrete barricades. The worst Xander had to nurse while lying beside me in the hospital was broken bones. But I had to nurse burnt skin. Maybe if paramedics did not come sooner, I would have burnt into ashes. Or cooked meat. It was one reason why I covered most of my arms with tattoos, to hide the burn marks. Hide a memory. Hide the feeling of her touch.

[end flashback]

I couldn’t ignore the muffled screams as it started to get louder by the second. It couldn’t be someone winning already. Or is it? Was I so out of it the whole time that I didn’t see someone finish all laps already? 

“IAN!” “SLOW DOWN!” “STOP!” 

The screams were now crystal clear. And I felt the reason why. I was skidding off the race track again. I don’t know if it was Xander who bumped into me or I bumped into someone else in the race. Either way, what’s the use of knowing? Tightening my hand on the wheel and just slightly easing my foot on the gas, I laughed as my car continued to spin out of control. I guess your life really does flash in front of your eyes when you’re getting close at deaths’ door. Because just like that, I saw Lizel. I heard Lizel reprimanding me and reminding me how she told me not to bump into Xander or anyone.

Closing my eyes, I smile at that thought. Maybe my death would bring her back. 

“I miss you.”

_

Even without opening my eyes, I knew I was in a hospital. Proven even more with the beeping noise somewhere beside me. But apart from that, it was mostly quiet. The room was dark once I opened my eyes. The only light coming from the moon out the window. I studied the room further. It was small, and it only had my bed. So it must be a private room. My eyes wandered over to the bathroom, it was beside the room’s entrance by my feet. There was light coming through the small space between the door and the floor. I waited for a few moments before I heard someone flush and open the faucet. 

The person who came out of the comfort room was not a face I expected to see again, “Mike?”

“You’re awake. Anything hurt?” Mike’s voice was croaky as if he woke from a deep slumber too. Staring at him even longer, I can see how unkempt he looks. He actually looks like a homeless man. 

I tried assessing my every move again and winced at an unexpected pain in my left foot. It was covered by my blanket so I don’t know how extreme my sprain could be. My neck was also feeling a little stiff, but no brace. So I guess not that bad for my upper body. Moving my fingers, I winced even more and groaned. My left side, I figured, was the part that took most of the blow from whatever happened on the race track. Unsure, I lifted my right arm to see bruises and a cast. My left arm was feeling heavier though and I could not even lift it. Sensing my quiet turmoil, Mike headed to my right side and gingerly lifted the blanket off my left arm. It was heavy, of course, because it was covered in an even heavier cast than my right one. And it covered my torso all the way down to my fingers.

“You skidded off track. The car was spinning uncontrollably. We couldn’t do much because a collision would be more dangerous. Your car then hits concrete. We’re guessing you were already unconscious when that happened. The team was rushing towards your car, but then Xander’s own car came and collided with yours. That’s how your left side was the one that received most damage. Initial x rays are over. You’ll only need complete bed rest for-”

“So I didn’t die. And Xander?” I pulled the sheets back up as Mike rounded back to the cramped bench.

“Xander panicked after seeing you go off track and tried to race your own car in hopes that his collision with yours would stop your own. But when he stepped on the brakes, it didn’t go as he planned. But he’s fine.” Mike brushed his hair out of his eyes, his hands shaking. 

“Of Canticles Dying would be going on hiatus. The band didn’t want to move forward with a temporary replacement. Said the only canticles they would play to was yours.” I could hear the strain in Mike’s voice. 

I know this put Mike in a tight spot. The band already had the whole two years planned. Of Canticles Dying was the perfect distraction from Tyson’s current rebellion on the company. A new launch, Genesis was hoping, would somehow deter audiences from dropping the company as a whole. Genesis was just becoming a stable brand with Tyson on board, but some of the company directors butted heads with Tyson himself and being a stubborn artist, according to Mike, Tyson rebelled. He didn’t like how Genesis was taking control of his artistic direction with his music. So he decided to drop Genesis and go on with his own plans, not even talking to Mike or any of Genesis directors. 

“We can still play. I have a number of songs already prepared. The only thing left is recording. I didn’t go deaf. I can sing.” I stated firmly, my eyes on the ceiling.

“Yes I know. Xander told me. And I am well aware that you can record with no problem. But Ian, Genesis expects that once you finish recording, Of Canticles Dying would go on tour already. And your doctor clearly stated that you can’t. You need a whole year to recover. It may seem simple, but your injuries are more than just sore muscles and bruises.” Mike sounded frustrated and out of breath. And he just sounded tired too. Well, who wouldn’t be tired? Tyson was rebelling. I’m injured. My band refuses to go on without me. So of course, Mike is tired. Two of his biggest acts are suddenly off the grid.

“You’re awfully worried. I think you forgot Lizel. You’re still her agent so it’s not entirely done for.” Speaking Lizel’s name, I realized, was more painful than what the left side of my body is feeling. It was a direct stab in the heart, and what’s worse is that it’s a stab that I did to myself.

“Lizel is no longer under Genesis. Her contract was nullified after her new agency in France bought the rights from us.” I can see how Mike was avoiding my gaze when I looked at him upon hearing Lizel’s current status with Genesis.

“So, she’s not coming back then?” I asked after a few moments of deafening silence. 

Mike nodded mutely and sighed, “Sleep, Ian. We can talk more when you’re feeling better.”

“Better?” I snorted at the thought. My band is on hiatus. Lizel isn’t coming back. And literally, half of me is broken. There’s no getting better. Even if my body recovers, I doubt my heart will.

“You can’t possibly believe that you will not be able to move on from Lizel?” There was a certain firmness in Mike’s tone all of a sudden and, although still looking like a beggar, his posture is nothing but a defined man with conviction.

“And you can confirm that, how?” I asked, skeptical.

“Ian, she may be the first woman. But she isn’t the only one. You will meet others who will actually appreciate your company and actually stay with you. Lizel would want that for her dearest friend.” He then looked at me before lying back down.

“Friend, huh. That’s what we were the whole time?” I asked, not knowing if I was waiting for Mike or myself to give an answer. 

“For what it’s worth, Lizel loved you. Still does. But she didn’t want how things were going. She didn’t want to just depend on your every move before she took a step forward.” Just like me, Mike was staring at the ceiling as if it would come crashing down with actual answers.

It hurt like hell when I turned my head to look at Mike. Hissing at the pain, I turned my look back up at the ceiling hoping it would crash down and finish me off for good. 

Depend on me? That is the most absurd reason I heard. Far as I know, or anyone who really saw me and Lizel, it was the other way around. I was depending on her because finally, my canticles are not just about dying. It was taking a 180° turn and slowly becoming about living and life.

“And she wants to find herself,” Mike sighed as he found a comfortable position and slowly closed his eyes. “Just as much as she wants you to find yourself.”

_

I was discharged from the hospital 3 days later. Xander kept me company after Mike was called in by Genesis to report back on my physical status. Xander drove me home and I was welcomed by the smell of pie baking in my oven. 

“Oh good, you’re here.” Tiana was wearing an apron - her apron - and she was drying her hands as she walked out of the kitchen. My eyes were staring past her though. 

“Nessa. She’s a friend of a friend and was looking for a sideline job. So I offered her one as a nurse. Well, not really a nurse. But she’ll be here mostly to help you out. DOn’t worry though because she’ll be on her way in the evenings.” Tiana was rambling more on how the setup will be for at least a few months until I was able to pinpoint the reason why Nessa seemed familiar.

“You were Lizel’s makeup artist, right? Is she- Nevermind,” Holding on to my crutch, I made my way towards my bedroom, ignoring Xander and Tiana’s protest for food. Of course, Nessa would be here. Lizel’s whole team would be here because they were formed by Genesis for Lizel. Even Mike is here.

There was a timid knock on my door, hoping it would go away if I ignored it, I layed on my bed with a painful grunt and closed my eyes.

“Sir Ian? Ms. Lizel wanted me to pass her message to you.” Nessa’s voice was quiet, unsure. I peaked with one eye open and saw her standing by the door, fiddling with the hem of her shirt, as she transferred her weight from one foot to the other.

“I don’t need to hear it, Nessa.” I was tired. Physically and emotionally. I just want to sleep and wake up where none of them exist. 

“I know. And even if I agree that you don’t need to hear it, I think you should. At least let it be the closure.” She closed the door and Xander and Tiana’s voice became muffled while they were talking over the food.

“Closure? The closure I need is from her and not you, Nessa. I don’t need a messenger. I don’t need you to help me either. I’m fine on my own.” I grabbed my pillow and placed it on my face, hoping it could muffle Nessa’s voice as well.

“She loved you. But she wasn’t complete. She wasn’t fully herself. And she thinks it’s unfair for you. She thinks that you deserve a love that is complete.” Her voice was muffled, alright. But even if it sounded like my head was submerged underwater, Nessa’s message was clear. Or rather, Lizel’s message. I started to feel tears in my eyes. I took a deep breath, willing it all away. Willing the pain to numb down. 

I heard Nessa leave the room with a click of my door. A few moments later, I heard Tiana knocking and calling me for dinner. But I couldn’t get myself up. Aside from the obvious fact that I physically cannot stand on my own right now, I also cannot stand for myself. Just like how Lizel felt incomplete, I was too. And just when I was close to putting the final pieces of me together, Lizel took one away with her. Intentionally or not, I at least expected a decent closure and not simply leaving me hanging. I’m not saying that a personal closure with her would answer everything. Nor am I saying it would actually fix me. But at least, I expected that I earned the right to be given a farewell from her and not some piece of paper from The Ark Diner. And no, getting a messenger for closure is not it. At least a proper farewell would have sufficed.

But I guess if you’re not complete, you have every right to leave someone incomplete too. I guess being incomplete gives you leverage without having to say that you’re leaving to find yourself. I guess people pity your incomplete state enough to let you get away with ‘finding yourself’. And I guess you expect everyone, even those who are on the same boat as you, to understand that leaving without closure is alright because you’re not complete.