Scene of Eve

[chapter 17]

“So, a new gig, huh?” Ian asked lightly when the lights turned red on the road.

At that point, I didn’t know how to respond and what to say. The whole day was literally another roller-coaster ride. One minute Ian’s mood is up, then the next it’s down.

“Are you okay?” I asked and looked at Ian when he started driving again. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him when we were stopped because I was scared he would look away. At least the road is keeping his gaze busy to move around anywhere else. 

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” But I did wish that we weren’t inside the car, rather somewhere steady. Immobile. So I can wait for him to look me straight in the eye and give me answers. 

“Nessa seemed really bothered by something.” I started to fidget with my fingers when the car slowed down to another stoplight. It’s late and there are no other cars driving, so we can easily keep moving without having to stop.

“Apple,” I felt fingers tangle with mine, and I looked back up and saw Ian’s gaze at me. “I’m fine. Just some memories bubbled back up.”

“Thank you.” I tightened our hands together on my lap and left a quick kiss on his lips.

“Welcome. But can I ask what for?” Ian drove with one hand on the wheel and the other still in mine. His gaze was also finally back on the road. 

“For telling me bits and pieces. I know it’s hard to give a complete image. But I don’t need complete. The bits and pieces are fine. I can work with that.” I rub circles on the back of his palm with my thumb as I say this. I meant it when I said that I am fine with bits and pieces. But I can’t stop thinking of the missing bits and pieces. 

“Thank you.” Ian said this time, car still going at a steady pace.

“Welcome. But can I ask what for?” I chuckled at the turn of conversation and how his smile grew bigger, more genuine.

“For accepting what bits and pieces that are left.” There was a pain in his voice but also resignation. Resignation because of the fact that he accepts whatever fate the bits and pieces might bring him. Or it could just be my imagination conjuring up something that’s not even there. 

_

“So, details.” Ian said as he plopped beside me on my bed.

“On?” I tried to play that the gig with Tyson was not weighing on my thoughts since Tiana texted me. But in truth, it's something that keeps popping a head out, wanting to be the topic of discussion.

“You know what.” Ian poked my side repeatedly until I was a laughing mess on the bed.

“Alright, alright.” I found myself on top of him as I held his hands down on his chest.

“Not exactly the compromising position I had in my mind. But I’ll play along as long as I get the juicy…” Ian’s eyes were squinted and his voice dipped down a notch, getting playful.

“Juicy?” I laughed and slapped his chest lightly as I got off of him.

“Details,” Ian finished a minute later, laughing along with me. “You’ve got a dirty mind. And I got an irresistible body.”

“Unbelievable. Do you want the details or not?” I challenged him as I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Okay, okay. Details.”

Indeed, details Ian heard. I started by showing Tiana’s text messages about Mike and Tyson’s conversation in the main Genesis office. And then I went ahead to open my (almost dead) laptop where Tiana sent a much longer email with what the conversation was about.

Basically, Tyson is currently looking for an actress to play the main part in his upcoming music video. Tyson was also planning on a concert world tour. He wanted to have the same actress in his video to accompany him during his tour. But Tyson did not just want any actress. One of the major specifications that Tyson had in mind was that this person could also do the additional vocals to Tyson’s title track for the album. This included singing with him on stage during the tour.

“So that was why Tyson was on your set before,” I said after Ian had browsed through Mike’s email.

“And Mike offered you to Tyson? Is that it?” Ian said with a chuckle.

“Offer? Do I look like some lamb offering?” I asked incredulously. Sometimes Ian’s chosen words are either weird or borderline offensive if you don’t know him at a certain level of personal.

“You know what I mean.” He nudged my side lightly as he stared at the ceiling.

I hummed and added how Mike suggested me but did not even expect Tyson to personally come and see me. 

“So you sing?” He asks after some moments of silence.

I don’t exactly sing, no. Rather, I learned it along the way because sometimes, directors would ask me to sing for role auditions. But that’s just it. Nothing to really be worth for a singing career.

“If necessary for a role, then, yes.” I felt the pillow dip as Ian turned his head towards me with an expectant stare. 

“No.” I firmly stated, fully expecting what Ian was about to say.

“I didn’t even say anything,” Ian was laughing at this point, proving how my guess about him asking me to sing was indeed what he was going to say. “Just that everyone else heard your voice but for me.” At that, he pouted.

“You hear me speak with a voice. My voice to be exact.” I retorted back, trying to sit up.

“But that’s not singing,” Ian whined as he held on to my waist, keeping me lying down with him. 

“Are you seriously asking me to sing?” I frowned up at him as I tried to wiggle my way out of his arms.

“I’m not gonna let you wash up unless I hear you sing.” Ian chuckled, tightening his hold on me.

I huffed out a breath and,

“You didn't create this problem

All of this is my own fault

I can swear to God that I've been ready to break up from the start

When you hold me I feel so out of place

I feel trapped I wanna run away

How come when I'm met by love it makes me weak and empty?”

It was silent after I finished singing a verse of a song.

“Who?” Ian asked after some time, his brow furrowed in confusion as he looked down at me.

I assumed I knew what he meant by who. He was probably asking who the artist was behind the song. In truth, there are no artists or celebrities. It’s-

“Me.” It was my own composition from years ago while I was still struggling between one side hustle to another just to be able to financially support myself from being a freelance model. 

For some reason, even though I was able to do what I wanted with my parents supporting me, I felt like a disappointment. Or rather, I felt like my passion is slowly crushing me to pieces, and yet I don’t stop from pursuing it. In the end, I would be left broken and trapped in the ruins of what I started and formed.

“You wrote songs.” It wasn’t a question but a statement. It was as if Ian was astounded - or maybe disgusted - by the fact that I had composed a song.

I nodded lightly and hummed, not really knowing if I should confirm Ian’s statement or not. I won’t exactly deny it. But I’m also not going to start a conversation with a ‘hey I write songs. I’m an artist too.’ Because I am far from it. It’s not something I thought of as a career. Though, of course, I won’t deny it either, how I had imagined myself on stage, people cheering my name, the applause louder with each song I sing. 

“Does Mike know? What else was he offering when you signed a contract with Genesis?” I can hear the excitement in Ian’s voice as he formed more questions in his mind. Questions I don’t entirely have an answer for just yet.

“I can hear the gears in your mind, Ian. One question at a time. I’ll be here to answer everything.” I chuckled as I finally sat up and looked around my room, in search of my towel.

“You’re leaving.” Ian pouted as his hands patted the space beside him, still a little warm with just a few moments of my absence.

“I’m taking a warm bath. In a sense, then I guess I am leaving.” I snorted at how he was acting so childish and clingy, although I already expected this with how he behaves when he’s away from the limelight. But him saying that I’m leaving also got me thinking. 

Is he still thinking of Lizel? 

Grabbing for my towel and my pajamas, I closed my bathroom door and heaved a heavy sigh. If he really is still thinking about Lizel, is anything real between us?

_

I don’t know how long I was in the bath for, all I know is that I spent my precious time thinking and weighing my heart. Because even after telling Tiana that I’m no Lizel, it’s not really her, I should be convinced. Instead, I should convince the man currently lying on my bed peacefully as he hugs a pillow to his chest. But even with even breaths, his brows are scrunched together and his lips are moving as he murmurs indistinctly. Grabbing for my brush, I approach the bed and sit beside it while I gently rub the towel on my hair tips, drying them even further. 

“Apple,” Ian’s voice was gentle but quivering as he called out my name in his dream, or should I say nightmare, especially with how beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. Panicking a little, I swiped the hair off of his forehead to check if he was catching a fever. Thankfully, his temperature was normal, but it wouldn’t hurt to be sure. So I grabbed one of my mini towels and dipped it in warm water before gently dabbing it at his forehead and wiping the sweat away. Folding it over, I placed it back down on his forehead and waited until his murmurs quieted down.

Apparently, a warm bath was not enough to calm my thoughts. Because ever since I heard my name being called out, whether it was a dream or a nightmare, Ian sounded so desperate. It was like the call was his last resort. For a breath, he knew he would not be able to take it. And for the first time, Ian calling my name sent a different kind of shiver. A shiver that made me want to run far away and never look back. His voice carried desperation in which I felt like if I got in even deeper, I wouldn’t be able to get back up. 

My phone vibrated from under my pillow. I winced as I stood up, hoping the vibration or my movement would not wake Ian up. I could not have a clear or even a light conversation with him, not with how my thoughts advanced to a whole new doubting spree. I needed a few hours of silence, at least.

Opening my phone, I hoped that whoever or whatever the text was could somehow lead me away from the conundrum that I had been trying my best to hide.

‘Hey, Apple! Xander here. I heard you’ll be working with Tyson. Did Genesis already tire you? ?’ I then remembered how Xander said that he was signed under Tyson’s label and helps out with the music production part of the label.

The text did not help to distract me. Xander was another one of the many mysteries that Ian had been holding off from telling me. Just that they used to work together in Of Canticles Dying. But he is also a big chunk of the Lizel agenda. From what Tiana and Nessa vaguely told me, Xander might have been a third-party reason. Moreso, he was also the one that introduced Lizel to Mike, and, in the long run, after being a side talent for Mike, Lizel landed a long-term gig in France. 

But what I also know is that Xander, though with the impression that he’s a normal d**k, seems to be the only one who really understands Ian. He was, and probably still is, the only one who can save Ian from whatever inner demon he has right now. 

“Hey, done with the bath?” Ian’s raspy voice pulled my thoughts back from not doubting, seeing how lost he is, just like I am. But unlike me, he has a map in hand to find his way back. He has a map full of details he can piece together. But here I am given the same map and end up clueless and doubting, because the map is not my world.

“Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you?” I asked after locking my phone and placing it on my bedside table.

Ian rubbed his eyes before patting the space beside him, pulling on my wrist to get me to lie down. Once my head hits the pillow, his hands securely wrap around my waist. 

“You okay?” Ian must’ve noticed how distracted I still am, which is why I tried to bury my face on his chest. 

“Better,” I said, placing a hand on his chest and feeling a steady heartbeat. 

Even without really looking at Ian, I can feel his eyes boring holes in my head. I wanted to smack him and say ‘I deserve to keep some of my thoughts to myself just like you keep most of your past hidden as well.’ But I didn’t really want to fight. We’re both tired and I know it won’t end well. I just want to pretend and live in innocent bliss, like we’re still in a scene. I can wait for the final cut. Maybe then, Ian would see that he no longer has an excuse to keep up an image with me, since no more cameras will be rolling and keeping track of almost everything we do. 

Right. I can wait.

“You know you can tell me anything,” he added while rubbing my back gently.

“I’m just scared, I guess, about the new gig.” It’s partly true. Ian was the first long-term project I had. And if everything falls into place, this gig with Tyson would be my first official one under Genesis. 

“You’ll do well. You’re already doing a great job with me. Unless you don’t trust my judgment.” Ian loosened his hold and looked down at me with a pout.

“Of course I do,” I giggled and placed a short kiss on his lips. “But you’re also not Tyson and he might not find my performance plausible.”

“You have me, if not him.” 

“I know. But I can’t always just stick with you. Genesis would obviously book me with other artists.” I suddenly regret saying that I was worried about the gig. I don’t like how the conversation is leading into a territory I don’t want to visit yet.

“Are you getting tired of me?” Ian was laughing but I can hear a hint of him feeling betrayed.

“You know I’ll never be tired of you. Just that I need to experiment and experience more.” That was the last he was having of the conversation as he tightened his hug again.

I didn’t add any more either, just closed my eyes instead and prayed that sleep would claim us both. We’re both not thinking straight and being tired won’t really help clear our muddled minds.

_

I woke up to an empty bed, save for a note placed on top of my phone from Ian, ‘Sorry but Mike called me early for a meeting. Prepared breakfast too :). Eat up!’

Well, at least I don’t have to pretend that my morning is fine. Getting up and washing my face, I went to the kitchen and saw covered plates and a red rose just beside the fork. Sitting down, I idly play with my food before taking one big bite and sighing as I look at the empty spot in front of me. If Ian was here, he would obviously made a snarky comment on my first bite.

But he’s not...which leaves me to finally open that box of thoughts I’ve been hiding for some time now. Opening that box, though, proved to be a wrong move. Because suddenly, everything and everyone is out in the open and I’m too overwhelmed by how much I’ve hidden away. I am aware that I'd hidden other things way before Ian came into my life, but not to the extent that the box would just explode once I decided to open it and find one mind-boggling thought. As the thoughts remain out in the open, slowly the lump in my throat grows and tears start flowing. Suddenly, the toast tasted too salty, so I just stopped. 

Tears still in my eyes and blurring my vision, I gingerly picked up the rose and gently caressed its petals with my fingers. It’s soft, though a little disappointing that I can’t really smell much right now. 

My phone then started ringing. I could barely make out the name on the screen, save for the pink heart in the beginning. 

“Momma Tats,” I answered, wiping my tears and nose with a sleeve.

“Apple? Are you okay?” She sounded worried and I can just imagine how her forehead would be creased right now because of frowning.

“Wha- Yeah of course I’m okay.” I stood up and headed back to my room, still holding onto the rose.

“I can call some other time if-” She started saying and I heard keyboard typing noises stop from her end.

“No, no. I’m okay, really. Just had a bad dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I don’t sound convincing, even to myself. So I know Tiana doesn’t buy the ‘nightmare’ excuse.

“Sure. If you say so. You know this won’t be the end of our conversation about that ‘nightmare’ of yours. Anyways,” She takes a deep breath and soon the sound of angry typing comes back. “I have news that might help distract you from remembering that ‘nightmare’.” She says, the hint of a smile obvious from her voice raising a tone higher than before.

“I’m all ears.”