Born Without a Mother

It was a cold winter’s night back in 1981 when, suddenly, screams echoed through the corridors, “Doctor! Doctor! Hurry, the baby girl is not breathing, blue around the lips, Mom is not sure what happened, we need to move her to NICU.” The mother didn't know what happened, he mumbled under his breath as he rushed past the nurse to get to the baby girl. In NICU the doctor notices that the baby is a little cold to the touch. With two fingers on her chest, he starts CPR until he realizes the feint gasping from her mouth. He holds her behind the neck and tilts her head slightly back, looking into her throat, he discovers a blockage in the airway. “Nurse! he yells, find a vein, and get fluids into this little body. Someone get me the scalpel, her lungs have collapsed, and we need to get oxygen into both lungs. We are going to lose this one if we don't move on it - a tube in each lung!” “Doctor! The veins have collapsed, I can't get in,” whispers the nurse. “Proceed with the PICC line inside the scalp - the tube is long enough to reach the large vein that enters her heart. Let's go, ladies, she's a little fighter this one, and we are going to help her come out on the other side...” Resting in an incubator, she was exhausted after the long nights' ordeal with the nurse who gave her the teat of a bottle while drunk on duty instead of a pacifier. Gracey swallowed the bottle teat, and it got stuck in her throat. But being a newborn human, did she even know any better? Did Gracey even realize the magnitude of the ordeal and what the ramifications could have been? Of course not! She opened her little gray eyes as if nothing had happened, looking beautiful with that IV drip in her head and breathing pipes in her chest inflating her lungs and again deflating—this would be her life for five months after her ordeal when she eventually was discharged from the hospital. Sent home like nothing ever went wrong, and she was allowed to go into the big world and make something of herself—this little human. Happy tears and big hugs from siblings waiting at home with bated breath and arms wide open to gobble up this little bundle of blonde hair and blue eyes, now five months old, instead of a newborn baby arriving home for the first time. Time flies when you’re having fun. By the time Gracey wiped her eyes, she turned a whole five years old, hair white as snow and eyes as blue as the deepest part of the ocean. She remembers standing next to Mom in her little red bikini watching the ‘biggies’ mess around in the pool. Mom gave Gracey a look that enfolded her with an unexplainable warmth. The warmth only a mother possesses. This would honestly be the last memory of Mom and Gracey like it used to be. As time passed, and she grew older, she realized that that warmth was not meant for her. Maybe she shouldn’t have come home from the hospital way back then. Mom would have been happier, and Gracey wouldn’t have been such a burden on her now, seeing as Daddy is not around anymore. Yip, you guessed it, as time went on, mom’s son from a previous relationship and Gracey got packed up and moved away from Daddy and the home she knew, her home, her little world—this was her everything. There was nothing else out there because Daddy made sure that Gracey had everything her little human self could ever need or want. We are talking about horses, a big old farm pool, cattle, daddy's fishponds, a big open yard, chickens, bunnies… Gracey had it all, they had it all. Mommy even had two kitchens! What more could a mom want? Not once in her little ignorant brain did she ever for one minute think that Mommy and Daddy could fight or have arguments. She was little, she didn’t even know what an argument was. Yes, she watched television, but that was nothing more than Daffy Duck and good old Charlie Brown and Snoopy early in the morning just after breakfast and just before Gracey’s crazy day out in the bush had to start. No fighting, no relentless guts, and gore movies because Daddy would not allow it. Living on a farm, there wasn't much television to be done anyway, their lives consisted of the outside world, playing about in the sun and living life as they knew it. Big Brother left for the army, and Gracey remembers feeling a little lost because, other than having Dad around, he was her protector, and now she learned the meaning of: "The missing link." Weekends were filled with family coming from afar to share in festivities on the farm, good food, lots of laughs, and more play time with cousins. Come on, she was five, and that is all life was about... Standing next to Dad by the fire, watching him baste the meat and keep the coals going, the smells of meat cooking, aunts and uncles laughing, all the adults just having a good time. There she was, standing in the doorway to the lounge, crying, blood dripping from her eye down onto her sweater, staring at Dad with a crazy look. In Gracey’s little girl's voice, scared as hell, she whispered, "Daddy, what happened?" His response was confusing, and Gracey stood there torn between two worlds not knowing if she should hold her, Mom. Would Mom even appreciate Gracey being near her? Should she stay true to Daddy, who never made her feel an ounce of fear? But Gracey loved them both, and she did not understand what the heck was going on. Did she do something wrong? No! She couldn't have because she was helping Dad with the meat and the fire. She was always with Dad, no matter what, unless, of course, he had to be at work and, even then, she tried her best not to stay in the house around Mom. Gracey wanted to feel free and the only way she could do that when Dad was not home was to play outside. Remembering the issue at hand, Gracey realized Dad was looking over at Mom and said nothing, to which she turned and walked back into the house. Dad followed a little while later. Gracey stayed behind looking at her sister and then made off into the house, secretly creeping down the passage, not sure what she was hoping to see or hear, at the same time, not sure what she was even meant to feel about this whole situation. Just as she got closer to their bedroom door, her sister’s voice caught up with her, “EY! Come here!” Gracey quickly jump turned and made her way into her sister's room, onto the bed and, just like that, her world was normal again, filled with laughter and teasing the dog like only Gracey knew how. The day ended, lunch was done, families were back to their normal lives and Gracey was snug on the couch in her pajamas next to Dad, trying to get a quick few minutes of television before it was bedtime for young growing girls. Gracey is woken up by a loud bang, and she jumps from her bed, wondering if Mom got hurt again. She runs down the passage to find Dad staring at Mom carrying bags to her car, and it hits Gracey in the stomach like a boulder rolling down a mountain! “We're moving!? There is no way Mom is going to let me stay. Wherever we are going, Gracey knows Dad is not joining them on this trip. This is not another holiday. This is for good. Suddenly, every reasonable thought that a five-year-old could think that makes sense is now swirling through Gracey’s brain like one of those tornados she sees in movies in America. Her heart is pounding, her fingers feeling a little numb, and she is confused at this movie playing out in front of her. Gracey is swept off her feet from behind just to notice the familiar smell of Daddies cologne and all Gracey can do is burst into tears, grabbing hold of her dad, and whispering in his ears, “Please, Daddy, please don’t let me go with her. Don’t let her take me. Please, Daddy, say I can stay?!” But no words are coming out of Daddy's mouth, and his hug gets tighter and tighter. Gracey just wants to faint and act like she is dying. Maybe then if they must rush her back to her hospital, Mom and Dad will stop their movie and pay attention to Gracey. It doesn’t happen like that and shortly after Daddy lets go of her, she is swept into Mom's car, and she finds herself staring through the back window at her dad watching his daughter disappear around the corner until he's out of sight. Gracey reluctantly turns around and tries to disappear into the back seat of that awful car that she once loved but now hates, as if it is the car's fault. She is crying quietly and thinking what if I open the door and start running back home? With a burst of excitement, Gracey sits up plotting her escape until her little eyes get high enough to see through the window and realize that she is now in a world that she never knew existed. Tears fill her eyes again and her little heart has never felt this kind of pain. Is she dying? Gracey wonders. Maybe it is just till tonight, and I’ll be back next to Daddy at the dinner table, she hopes. But this hope does not curb the tears or the pain her little heart is feeling. Gracey can’t bear to look at Mom and feels the corner of her lip lift a little with disgust at the whole situation. She notices her stepbrother sitting in the front seat, smiling as if no one’s worlds were just blown to pieces, and she gets even more sad. The only feeling Gracey is battling with now is a pain in her heart so sore that she finds it difficult to breathe. She knows she can’t tell Mom because Mom doesn’t care much for Gracey’s feelings. The sun is shining and all she can smell is fuel fumes filling up the back seat of this old car… “I want my Daddy!” escapes from her mouth, so quickly that not even Gracey can stop it. The car has gone all quiet and no one is talking, and the radio is off. Does Mom even remember that I am in the back of this car? And just like that, Gracey is woken up and carried to a bed, an unfamiliar place she feels alone in, lying on this bed, this bed that is not hers and tears roll down her cheeks not even worried about where she is. All Gracey can think about and cry about is the fact that she won’t hear Daddy's voice again, or will she? And if she does, when? When will she be able to feel his hugs again? When will she be able to run around the farm and tease her sister’s dog, and watch Daddy make a fire or build a hut? When will she be able to feed the animals again or run wild chasing after chickens? What is going to happen to Gracey now and why was she not allowed to have a say in all this? After all, she was always allowed to choose which sweet she wanted or how many veggies she wanted on her plate, or if she wanted a drumstick or a thigh. This was not fair, was all she could think. Days pass by, with no word from Daddy, and when she does ask questions, Mom snaps back at her to mind her business and do as she is told. Captured in these four walls, it’s so little Gracey can see the kitchen from her bedroom and feel the wind rush through the flat from the front door. This is not how it used to be back home. All she can think of is escaping. All she wants to do is wake up from this silly dream. "And now that Mom brought us to this little house, I have been taken away from everything I know to be shoved in a school. Stuck with strange people, in cold corridors, and dressed in shoes and socks for most of the day." Gracey starts first grade at the age of five. She is confused but excited at the same time, unsure excitement and already plotting to get Daddy to fetch her from school. "Yes! This is it; this is my breakaway, and I can be back with the people in my world. Mommy doesn’t care for me much; she is always fighting with me but smiles and hugs me in front of other people we don’t know." Gracey keeps wondering why her mother took her away from her dad if she doesn’t love her because Daddy never fought with her. Gracey just does not want to be here in this world and that is the end of it. Gracey finds herself in a single file lineup and herded into another four walls filled with desks and this will now be her everyday routine. She sits down at her desk and ponders on all the busyness she would have been dealing with had she been on the farm at that moment. Life carries on, birthdays come and go, Christmas comes and goes, and Gracey is still without Daddy, the farm seems to have become a distant memory and the three of them have moved into a bigger small house, this one at least has a garden and a driveway in a suburb with a little river running across the road. But Gracey and her stepbrother weren’t allowed over there, they were confined to the garden on this side of the fence and that was that, no arguing. Mom had a job now and was no longer staying at home, Gracey and her stepbrother were now school-going children, and a new nanny taking care of us. “Anna is what they call me,” she introduces herself. Gracey loved this nanny because she cared about Gracey. She taught Gracey new things, things Gracey always hoped she would much rather learn from Mom, but Mom wasn’t interested now that Daddy wasn’t around. So many new rules and regulations, so many dos and don’ts so many of this and that and that was life now. This was something Gracey just had to get used to, no uhm and aahs and no questions asked. Gracey was now in Mom’s world.