Chocolate

Where am I now? Aha! also I love to watch some anime's. I draw it, but it'll only happened in my younger age. I love to recall my past life. During my hectic days as a son, he would not like me to mingle with others especially far from our place. It's the reason why I'm so shy in front of others. My cousins and I played volleyball in the near sitio and when we done we pass by the house of drunkin family. Her hair is curly and Grego made fun of her saying that I like her. The joke will spread all over the ears of all teenagers. So they set us up in a date outside of her house under the Tisa tree. My butt is heated up sitting in long wood chair. Eventhough I have no crush of her but still my voice is shaking and my mind is, these words are mixing and I can't even speak clearly. At the time I like her older sister. We roaming near the seashore every night and one time- her brother angrily looking for her who is drunk too much. In the next day she send me a letter given by her friend. There's something wrong and I predicted it, that she would break me. Slightly, my mind is not feeling well but I don't care because I don't know what love is. Some said that I must confront her but I tell them that its ok.Next year I goes to college then I came back home. My cousins are planning to go to Jenna house. They want me to accompany with them. At that time she had a visitor, her boyfriend who is from another region. Allan who is her cousin, told her that she need to get rid her boyfriend so that he can entertain me. With unfinished smoking she says to her boyfriend that she want to sleep. Allan drink beer at that time and John was fall from the long chair he sleeping. We are laughing at that situation. Then Jenna get out of their house and I walk on her closely. When I steps in their bamboo balcony it sounds. The atmosphere at that night is cold. With no hesitation and there's the excitement I simply hug her and kiss her chick. Not knowing that there is a single tear drops my face. She not even complaining because she told me that she miss me a lot. Tomorrow is my birthday and also the fiesta of our birthplace. I told her that she must break her other boyfriend and she agreed because she don't even like a guy using cigarretes. How happy I am to present her to my cousins who lives in the other island. That night, outside the disco area we need to clean up our slippers with water -well because we stepped a manure. How adorable she was, when she was smiling to me. Many says she look like Kristine who is an actress of a movie series " Pangako Sa 'Yo". Succeded nights we counted many stars. Then she ask me why do I not confront her about "The letter"? She said that its not her make. Her girl friends made that letter, they test me if I really love her. I told her that I know your handwritten. Basically I do. I didn't obliged because at that time it means nothing to me. And when I'm asking her why would you agree to them? She cried, the same day we broke up. I love her so much even my father don't like her because of their family background who said that can't pass how many alcohol. Eventhough her family is like that but their personality is outstanding. Outstanding for giving, they make me feel like what real love is even they use " lagaraw" when they are fighting and in the end they forget and forgive. A bad news.That is what we knew when our auntie and uncle told us that 4th degree generation closed we are. Apparently, we never listened to them. My sister next to me is angry and she stabbed me with a fork and said " yucks" when hearing that news. I never stopped seeing to her. One night her father told us that do you want to fight for your love. We nod at him and said yes. He asked us with that because one of her tiya want us to break apart. Jenna and I live-in at the city where I taking a vocational course. When she was not with me at the city I bring her some chocolate and cookies 'n cream chilled at their home. Then, there is her niece who always started to eat first the Cadburry dairy milk chocolate. In a meantime my parents accept her and she started to feel at home in our house. Wherever I was she was there. In my graduation when I claiming that I would not used black shoes when passing to get my diploma. I can't forget my picture that the Dean's face is at there, annoying at me. First time in my life that my father congatulate me in my double deck bed and holding my feet while shaking. My father's wipe his butt because he told him that I would take this responsibility. Me and them "namalaye" to their house. We bring food and cold drinks especially Tanduay Rhum and Beer na Beer. Its the time that she was 1 month pregnant. They agreed that the wedding was next. I don't want to be like my father. Once he said "The world is wet sometime he slipped". Its tragic happened to my mother she knew from me that my father had a other woman. Even now I still remember how he snapped my mother and all I do is climb and watching them from above the ceiling, how he push her in a cabinet. With this I created "Are you my father or a torturer, that stucked in my head, Are you a blamer or is it better just a nightmare, Could be a nightmare, Strangers name".Honestly, when I'm still a kid my life is miserable and even now i stil feel the pain when I remember it. It gently ease the sad memories and replace happy days with Jenna. Until the first born of our son. She deliver him in my room while she is inside the mosquito net. I'd pictured her eventhough she's not telling me words but I feel like she's connecting to me that she give birth to our baby happily. We separated to our parents and make a small wood house. Then the saying that you not even know the good and bad side of a relationship just a year or two. Some other time I smell like she controlling me. And when she want to do something she was the right.Even it is wrong I'm the one who said sorry. I can understand her every times she does it but I can't imagine why she don't recognize me when she was at the highest level of anger. The eyes of an angel turned into the red-demon that she wanted to have a fight with fist or wrestled me. Sometime I can't ignore it, then it worsen. She stay in her sister for four days. Then she came back to our house. Same as usual, not even saying sorry for what she done. I'm still the one who comforting her. A Day Where I Feel Changes The road is busy at that time, when she, Jenna and I leave the eleven kilometer place of ours. It is nearly 9 am when us arrive at Bacalam town.Jenna had received a money worth 3,000 pesos, from her younger sister second to other one. While walking across through the other side of an establishment these riders seem to recognise the beauties who accompanies me. While keep waiting in the outside of remittance center, this peddling men hand signing me pointing to Misha. I do not know what supposed is that to be. At first I looked upon at Misha and she smiled. But this kind of feeling that something is wrong with her. I'd notice her five times, she look like she is shy but glancing. In that point I suddenly goes to Jenna to ask her why is she overtied in the lane. Now Jenna is done to get the money, then we goes to the near mart to buy jeans to our sons. Started that I begin to recognising her. The way she look at me like her aunt at the first time, her cute small face, lips like her mother, every other things that seem to barely not perfect but its alright for me. The next day she cut her hair and I keep noticing her, the glow in her eyes who is my weakness. I know in myself that I prefer a kind of girl is first her face, not her posture or wonderland body. Honestly I'm choosy about woman and Oh God, she is just only turn into sixteen. Knowing about the real score here is that I slightly hate her upon recalling the time I visited Jenna. She ate my presence for her. The thickness of a chocolate spread her face. I know it is fault of Jenna why didn't she ate it already so her niece who smells the essence of delight cut it. Everytime I opened my eyes I'm asking, is this some kind of joke. Of all person who wears dress why is she? Misha and Jenna have similarities. The kind of walk, they bended legs. They are not even good in English. The spelling, they make it harder to read. And why do I love Misha uncorrectly written the nails. She laugh when she done it infront of me an inch. Definitely I possibly like Misha. These are the days that I did not like the other side of Jenna. Remembering the first month she bubbled. We racing in the middle of the night and I'm afraid that if somethings happened to our child. The root is just a simple misunderstanding. If these nonsense simple issues have a life maybe it laugh at us. These mood of Jenna keep asking myself, why would I keep taming with her? There are so many girls who is good ones that are not lucky with men. Many times that I regret to be with her and I'm asking what if I leave her?.I can't because if I do that there must be some ways that I can't see her again. Imagine if you have not eaten for four days. She does it and she watching the sea, high above the rocks. I'm afraid of what she opened to me. In this conflict of minds I look back the days of how I love her to prevent the bad event to be made. I do not know but sometimes I insane of Misha. Many occassions like she is tempting me. When she colored her, she look at me reflecting in mirror and combing her hair.Almost saying,"Do I look like beautiful?" She looked matured in blonde. When she wears this new fit dress like she was telling me " Do you love the curve of my body?". Another confusing days of my life. She begin to cook puto cheese and the pasta which I humbly admire her. She sweat because of the heat from kettle and fire and smelly. Her food is tasty and that is certain lack of Jenna. Month of May has come. When Joe and I with the absence of Freddy. In school, we perform on how to create the four steps Marineboard ladder. It is graded accordingly to the group. When we are finished conducted by the representatives according to their rules of carpentry we excitedly going home. But before that I told Joe that I pass first at shopping center. At that time we drove to Bacalam, the heat of the sun reaches to the seat and our butts gently burned so I make it faster. Not knowing the sudden changes of rules in the road. I thought that its the same situation that I could pass the one-way lane and unfortunately it is not probihited. Someone calls us out of somewhere in a harshed tune voice. We stopped and looking sideways. Then a man who wanted us to park aside. We gently turned over near the " Botika ng Bayan". There we asked by an enforcer. First they asked us," Where are we going?" Do you know that you pass the one-way lane?. I said that during the other days this is alright to pass with. He asked" What are your names? Where you came from? Then, we answered his questions succedly. But the real problem is our violation. I'm telling them that it would not happened again,so please passed this time. Ben started to raise his voice. He asked if I had a driver's licensed. I'm sorry but I left it at my home and it is still useless because it expires. We used our school identification card to prove that we came from TESDA. The giggling, the pointing of fish stocks, the aroma of beef soup, the ladies who buys a vegetables is I noticed. Why would I listen to Ben? His old-style wearing glass character and all my reasons are broke by him.I do not reminded him anymore. He is so annoying and that's a reason why there is a woman who try to bumped him in a street. When he notice that I didn't care about him, he ask Joe and Joe try to convince him. It does not matter to me if I'm caught on the act all I care is the thing that I would bought. The face of a man sometimes lured with money. So they negotiated. We paid a 300 peso for the solution. Joe still try to talk Ben anything and I goes to Les'Dale apparel shop. As always when I'm walk up to their second floor I'd stepped up in their c***k tiles. Only 350 peso remained I had. I choose the style that is affordable and had thickness. Pinky,blue,red,yellow,green,white-black and mixes of colors which caught my eyesight. Logic taste of women they love color pink and I choose the sleeveless. In a character of Mickey Mouse designed and printed it with black. My second pick is a sleeveless that had a net designed at upper colored with yellow and underneath is violet shirt. While handling it, this two sales ladies joke at me, they asked " Is that for your girlfriend?", how lucky she was that you personally buy it for her. What I did is, I smiled for them sincerely. I thank them and go downstairs to paid it in cashier booth and back to the near market where our motorcycle stranded. Joe told Ben who really I am. Then he know that my uncle was his friend. I'm asking myself " Is that true?" When we are settled, Ben said that, anytime,anywhere in Bacalam streets, the receipt is all I need to present when we're caught and there is no problem with, we can pass. Joe and I were laughing even we are caught and driving to our place Alingaw. I never told Jenna about what I bought but they laughed when Joe told them the bad situation we encounter on that day. Everytime, she expected that in her special event I had something to give to her. I do not give it to her personally.My eager cut down when talking to her. How pretty she was on her occassion eventhough she had no cakes to light with.What I really admired of her, is some days when she had money these neighbor children, she brought them a present like hairclip,earrings and etcetera. No matter what, I intend not to tell her my true intentions. I just tell Misha that the dress is I kept it in our balcony and she must get it. But she acclaimed that her sister is the one who get it. She thanked me. A feeling that crosses my heart. Accidentally Jenna found it first. She opened it and fit it.I'm confronting her.Why you fitted it. Its not yours. It is for her. With that, she angry and the conversation goes to a nonsense meaning. She argued," Why you buy it for her? It cost a money? In the end Jenna requested to me that she want the pink sleeveless. With no further hesitation I told Jenna that I would bought her tomorrow. That week is a long week of miserable. I did resigned in my job because I planned to leave her. I cannot carry it anymore but it never happened in an instance of I never broke a home that I made for a long time. The Time That I Confess They planned that they will had a night swimming. That day also is a memorable day of Geoff's daughter. He caught his chickens to prepare for the meal. Many invited and we're drinking to enjoy sometime. I controlled myself so that my secret will not come out of my mouth like happened in May. I feel jealous that she ride with her cousin who is blatter for trying to r**e a girl and stealing a panty. And as far as I remember that day I made a mistakes. I told it to someone that I like her. Going back the celebration, we grilled a chicken that has marinated with soy sauce and coconut vinegar at night. Then Arnel told me that we goes to the shore because the boys are in there. We get some driftwood to make bonfire. The moon at that time shines so bright. Eventually we're the only married who stray with them. They have partners. Why this music sometimes hit this situation. And I'm asking it to Kent who is her neighbor what song is that and he replied that he does not know what the titled is. Why is she calm and quiet when I'm around. I feel so boring so I told Arnel that I will go home. My plan is that if I had a chance I told her personally but a wrong timing. Next month, ethere is a fiesta in a nearby barangay. Dingal is a center of our town. The police are patrolling. They check if there is violations occured. Jenna and I are ate in the house of Bego. He is the friend of my cousin Roel which happened to won in illegal fighting c***s. In an instant Mary the sister of Jenna called us in a cellphone that a teacher, a friend of her, invited us to their home. There, Sir Michael a gay, welcomed us. He wants us to ate but we said that we are full. Misha, her sister, her father is also there. Sir Michael ask what we want to drink. Then they requested a strong beer. I like Misha jeans and ask her where did she buy it. She replied saying its from Bacalam. I never compliment her. While Misha started to drink she ate much like Jenna and her mother said that they are the same. Again, the way she looked at me is bursting my ego. When we done, we thankfully goodbye to Sir Michael and goes home. At their house her father buy drink for a continuation but Jenna objected that she is already drunk. It's dark when we at our house. I thought that Jenna was sleeping. The I opened my f*******: account. Knowingly she opened her account and i message her. Saying that I like her much. I compliment her that she had an attitude that I looking of a woman.I told her my feelings because I dont want it to not expressed. She commented it is ok. And I telling her thrice just keep it secret between us. She agreed and I told her I will never face to her. But she told me that you will never do that. I don't expect that she response to me "yes". I'm so nervous at that time and not noticing someone is watching the bamboo window. Jenna almost caught me so I rapidly erase our conversation. If that timing, Misha know that her auntie would kill me. It is third day that I leave my house. When Jenna force me to go to her parents house. There she is, noticing me at far. God, what I've done. I'm scared to look upon Misha. Not even a single word I begin to say with. My mind asking that what if she told it to her mother or anyone close to her. Suddenly her boyfriend came. The looked in her eyes approaching to her lover saying greetly to him but why do her sight is at me. I cancelled it. Sometimes my eagerness to tell her about my feeling ends with scratch. One day when Nonoy who lived in Barangay Pontmerry tells a true story of a relationship that made a scandalous video in Lingaw. It happened that the girl was a wife of a man who near the bloodline of Jenna.Mother of Jenna told that the biggest insult was the girl because she made a mistake. Mary approved it. On that day they are gleaning and they had a sea creature put in a cellophane that same as the form of worm called sawasid. The father of Jenna clean it, turning its skin backwards so that the sands she ate will be washed by water. I helped the father of Jenna but Misha interrupt and closer to me. She giggling when the seawater burst to her face. There is a black sands near his nose and I wipped it.At that moment her mother said that it is the fault of a girl because she know that she had a husband. I don't know but Misha feels lonely as she hears it. Misha do love volleyball. They started to play exactly or not at 4 pm, when it does not rain. Sometimes her sister and she made a close score but she possibly wins everytime. A two versus two, three versus three, and four versus four duel. There are many tiny rocks in the area that you stepped in. And each side is has a big rocks that connected to each other that forms exactly like map. Most of her play she was put near the net. She hold her hands and hit hardly the ball whenever it is in her reach. When she glimpse and notices that I focus on watching her, she is shaking. She can't even manage to get the ball and most hit goes out of line. With this wrong, her father bullied her that her arms are twisted. So they lost until the second game. At that hour I'd sitted infront of the court, then MJ pleased me to hold her baby. She came near to me resting and suddenly stand up to play the baby. She stretched the baby's cheeks, she kiss the bald head, and comparing the palm of baby to her. I look at her long curve black eyebrows and I remember when she was a kid her eyes seem like seeing in the other side whenever she rattled. Laughing at the boys who played, she ate a fried duck while sitting in grassland beside my feet. Because the fried duck is so hard to ate, her left front tooth broke apart. They are laughing because they surrendered the hard fried duck. Why she ate it? She humbly represent her cut teeth to everyone. I know that she forcely ate it because she wants to be near with me. Jenna and her sisters are so noisy whenever they are complete in their house. They sound like a flock of birds of their voices. It may sharpened your ears when the echo reached. Sometimes they gambling cards and with a long luck the police never caught them playing even its place is a two steps of feet to highway. Playing cards is their pass time reliever. Funny of her, Misha strikely grabbed the chest of Lorife and laughingly said that it is so small and very flat. Not even Jenna can escape of her trip and joke at Jenna's chest. On that day she wears a jeans that only a half of her abdomen is hidden. She don't even cover it with her hands when she centered it to my attentions. Like she seducing me to look at its shape.My eyes teaches my mind to think what is underneath that cloth but my conscience move my head to the other side. Still I am pretending that I don't ever wanted to touch it. When she unfinished to cooked the 1 kilo yellow tuna fish in the dirty kitchen, whenever I passed by closer to her, the air feels like changing. It is heat outside but suddenly it feels cold and calm. I wanted to settled the things between me and Misha but I'd respect the people who lived at that house. The situation right now I'd encounter is delicate. I must controlled myself not to grabbed this temptation but how long will I ever prevented it. In this time, this is the 10th birthday of Dean my son. We prepared an ube ice cream mixed with condensed milk and especially sugar, handly blended for a half hour. Jenna cooked spaghetti and turning it red with banana ketchup so it smells tasty due to more cream melted. Everytime she appeared in our house I'm so shy to welcome her. Believe me even when I'm old enough I still reach in the capacity mood. Her neighbor friend is with her. How clever, she borrowed my cellphone and she used to opened it to her two f*******: account. Twisting the fork, she only ate a little amount of spaghetti. Jenna calls me when I'm back at our room to watch Animax characters. Misha and I are have the same taste when watching television. Its the opposite of Jenna. Jenna is like grudging whenever I watch movies like she sees it childish. Even when I'm old I still compliment the graphics and design in cartoons. She is smiling while her lips is wet with softdrinks. They get a tupperware and filled it with delicacies. Then, saying goodbye daddy. Yes, I'm a godfather of her. On the day she baptised I don't even like it but with the pleased of Jenna I'd approved it. When I holding my cellphone, I am shocked, this pictures,messages, and friends are not mine and unfamiliar. When I am checking the user, her name appeared. Is this her plan or a mistaken to leave. I do not know but with a slight of happiness I saved her password. I love you! That is what Misha said while her left arms wrapped the baby girl and a lot like her, after she kissed me in a forehead when I'm lying in a bed. When I tried to reach them they are too far. It is a watery scene and unclear. Then I woke up with the voice of Jenna calling that the coffee is ready. It is more than ten years and recently I sung my favorite composed song " When the cold freezes the darkness and light. Yeah I woke with sweet creamy twice" is my biggest concerned. I do not want Jenna feel that I'm having with this situation. I keep showing her the care and love. Jenna do complaining that she want to be pregnant because its been a 10 years that passed. But I feel pity for her and questionned her about her physical condition. She feel jealous everytime she sees a girl wearing wonderful dress. If that happens she would buy her a different style of dress. I know that she was happy because we had a male kids. I am obssesed to Misha. I stalked to her account. I read her messages that she tag from her friends. I make her photos big so that I can clearly see her gentle face. Yes, I compared the faces of Jenna and Misha when they were sitting. The truth is Misha has a beautiful form,literally when she is side face. In the color of skin, Jenna is whiter than her and she can't challenge it. Curving the branch of bantigue is super delicate. I cut down the unwanted twigs and leaves. I'd reimagine the form of nebare because I am not sure what is the proper pattern. It jumped up to my mind her posture. Men, my head aches of overthinking. Sometimes I call out her name to express my thoughts like a thief but far from the eardrums of Jenna. Either in bushes, under the coconut tree and in wildest area that I can hide. One Sunday night, Geoff had a conversation of her parents. Why they approved that she had a boyfriend in her young age. He also asking why they want Misha to work in Manila City after the graduation that there are scholarships available.Her parents said that they can't afford it anymore when that time comes. Misha confront and approved her uncle. She had a goal someday that she want to be a teacher. A drunkin' Geoff told her that is she breaks up her boyfriend he might helped her in tuition fees. Geoff's wife face seem can't undraw her feelings when Geoff told Misha that she might used his motorcycle for daily used and I thought that they would quarrel at it. Certainly a big word of Misha agreed that she would break her boylet with no hesitation. If that plan was succeded maybe she might have a lot of explaination to him. I'd seen her eyes like whispering to me she do it.