Black Hole

Mother Knows Best

I think I smiled for an entire week after my conversation with Callan. I must have looked like a lunatic but I didn’t care. There’s something spectacular about someone seeing you for who you truly are. If only my friends and mother would do the same.

“Okay, but what I’m saying is the climate on Saturn isn’t livable. It’s a gas planet.” I laughed.

“It’s not about livability though, it’s just a hypothetical fantasy. The question wasn’t ‘what’s the most logical planet besides earth to live on?” it’s ‘what planet besides earth would you love to live on?’”  Callan pointed out.

“Yeah I guess that’s true. I just wouldn’t choose Saturn. Definitely Venus for me.”

He shook his head. “Bad choice, Jay,”

“Okay, you have fun on your gas planet!”

“Don’t worry, I will.” He smiled. It was now time for us to go to our own tables. “See you in class.”

“Later,”

“Seriously, Jay, why do you waste time with Callan Mewes? He’s one of the biggest geeks in our class?” Carmen asked as I sat down.

“Callan is super nice,” I answered. “And we have great conversations. He’s just cool to be around.”

Carmen’s face scrunched up. “Seems unlikely. What do you guys even talk about? The circumference of the school or something?”

“You can only find the circumference of a circle. The school doesn’t even have definite shape, so that’s virtually impossible.” I said dismissively.

She laughed. “Girl you are too pretty to be this smart, it’s insane.”

I rolled my eyes but said nothing more. I snuck a look at Callan with his friends. He looked so content. I imagined myself sitting next to him. His arm around me as we laughed at something his best friend Howie Conrad said. Callan would kiss me and I would smile at him and he would see stars in my eyes. And I’d look over to the middle of the cafeteria where I used to sit with my old friends. I’d feel light and happy knowing that I’d never have to sit there ever again. 

But that was just a fantasy.

“Something wrong, babe?” Leo asked. I sighed and shook my head, even though that wasn’t true.

“No. Everything is just fine.”

^^^

“So, how was school today?” Mother asked me at dinner that night. We were having our weekly meal together.

“Fine,” I muttered, stabbing at my food.

“How are your grades?”

“All A’s.”

“And cheerleading?”

“Still the captain,”

“Did you get a dress for Homecoming?”

“Not yet,” I sighed.

“Good, Lilian Rad made you one. I’ll expect Leo will give it to you in a few days.” She replied. “Speaking of, how is Leo?”

“Fine, I guess.”

“What do you mean you guess?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, he’s fine.”

“I think you should be describing your future husband better than fine.” She said.

“Mother, I’m only eighteen, I don’t need to be thinking about marriage.” I said in exasperation.

“What is this attitude and where is this coming from? You said you wanted to marry Leo.”

“Yeah fifteen year old me did, but I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Mother asked as she dropped her fork.

“I want more than what Leo has to offer me,” I said quietly.

“You want more than love, security and stability?”

I scoffed. “I'm not in love with him. And I’m damn sure he doesn’t love me. And who cares about security and stability?  I want passion, romance and adventure.”

“You want childish things,” Mother snapped.

“I want what any person wants. My own life!” I said firmly.

“You can have your own life with Leo,”

“No, I can’t,” I said. “It will never truly be my life if you and Leo keep deciding things for me.”

“Where on earth is this coming from, Jayma?” Mother asked, looking at me as though I’d gone crazy. “Did you meet some other boy or something?”

“No,” I answered. And it was technically true. I had known Callan for years. “I just don’t want to live my life for someone else.”

“Darling, Leo will give you everything you need.”

“Security and happiness are not the same thing, Mother!” I exclaimed, throwing my fork down.

“In some cases they are,” She said dismissively.

“Not mine,”

“Just wait it out, Jayma. You’ll see Leo is the one for you. He’s your soulmate.”

“If that was true, I wouldn’t have to sacrifice my happiness for security.” I said quietly. We didn’t say anything for  a moment.

“He doesn’t love me for real,” I whispered.

“Of course he does, that’s nonsense.” Mother waved her hand.

“He’s cheating on me,”

“That doesn’t mean anything. He just wants to have some fun. He’ll get over that phase and he’ll stay with you.”

“Three years of cheating isn’t a phase, it’s who he is.”

“And you’ll love him for who he is.” She said.

“But I don’t. And  I don’t think I ever will again.” I said honestly.

“Just trust me, you will. I know what’s best for you.” She assured me.

“Don’t even pretend for a second like you care about what’s best for me!” I got up and walked out of the dining room, absolutely furious.

She actually defended his cheating! She wanted me to stay with him forever, and be trapped in a loveless marriage! No. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I’d rather die.

^^^

How do you make yourself want something you so desperately don’t? How do you just decide to settle for less than what you want? If you manage to throw away everything you want, how do you live with yourself afterwards? Do you sleep soundly at night knowing that you sacrificed everything you ever wanted for something you can easily live without? Or does it haunt you, causing you to toss and turn? 

Will you always regret the decision that led you to that point? I hope I never know the answers to these questions. I hope I’m strong enough to go against everything I know to be happy.

“Is there something wrong, Jay?” a voice asked. I smiled at the sight of Callan like I always did.

“Something? No. Everything? Yes.” I felt I could be honest with him.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” He asked.

I wanted to say yes and that he could help by taking me away from everything.  But I had realized while I had secret feelings for Callan, I wasn’t sure if he had those feelings for me. He wasn’t obvious about it like Alan. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself.

I sighed. “I’m not sure there is.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish there was something I could do.” He said. “Are you sure there isn’t?”

“Unless you can convince everyone around me to let me live my life, then no.”

“They still don’t see you.” He whispered. 

I looked up at him in shock. “What?”

“They look at you, and hear what you say, but they don’t care. They expect you to live your life for them, but you’re better than that. You want more. And you deserve more.”

I stared at him for a moment. I knew he understood me. “C-Callan…”

“I’m sorry.” He said looking away. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve got to go.” He hurried off and I looked after him. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Callan said. How did he know that they couldn’t see me? How did he know I wanted more? He really was special. 

What’s more, he really could see me.