Black Hole

More Than This

I had finally taken Alan up on his offer to take a ride in his new Ferrari. I wasn’t actually interested, but it gave me an excuse not to hang out with Leo and get Alan to stop asking me about it.

The car is actually incredibly nice, but I just really don’t know much about cars other than if they look good or not.

“So yeah, horsepower is super legit and the hydraulics is out of this world!”

“Um, Alan? I don’t really understand anything you’re saying.” I laughed.

“Oh, sorry. Just giving you a little background info.” He smiled, slightly embarrassed. “It can go like two hundred miles an hour. I know you don’t like to go fast, so we won’t reach that.”

“How thoughtful.” I responded. “Now shut up and drive!”

“Right, let’s do it!” He peeled out of my driveway. He’s going faster than the speed limit, but not fast enough for me to feel uncomfortable.

I had been in a car accident when I was six. Since then I had been nervous about fast driving. I was even terrified to get my license, but mother convinced me to do it by saying I was either getting my license  or she’d hire someone to drive me everywhere. Supportive, right?

The wind was rushing through my hair and I closed my eyes. For the first time in weeks, I felt at peace. It was strange that of all people, it was Alan that was taking me away from all of the stress of my life.

We drove for about twenty minutes before stopping. We were just outside our town, Goldendale. It was strangely rural and was like a breath of fresh air compared to the town we lived in.

We sat on the hood of the car, barely saying anything at all. As the sun was setting, Alan drove us back to his house. We went inside for some food. I felt incredibly grateful for Alan at the moment. The drive had been wonderful.

“Thanks for this,” I said looking over at Alan. “This was a lot nicer than I expected.”

“How have you been, Jay?”

“Okay. I feel a little lost honestly. Our futures are looming over us and it’s stressing me out, you know?”

“Yeah I get what you mean. Our whole lives are ahead of us, and that's both exciting and terrifying.”

"The present is pretty terrifying too,” I added.

“With a guy like Leo, I’m sure it is.” Alan muttered.

“What does that mean?” I asked. 

“Look, he’s my best friend, but he doesn’t deserve you. There are things you don’t know, Jay.”

“I know he cheats,” I said. “I know he lies. I know he takes me for granted every damn day and has been doing it for years. I know everything you guys think I don’t know.”

“Then why do you stay?” He asked.

“I don’t know how to leave,” I whispered. “I’m trapped. Every time I try to go, I get sucked back in.”

“So you’re just going to stay with him?”

“For now. Until I know how to get out.”

“Well until then, you could get him back.”

“How?” I asked.

Alan kissed me hard. I was surprised that it took this long for him to do it. He’s been crushing on me for years and has never made a move until now. I kissed him back. He was right. I could get back at Leo and since I couldn’t have Callan, this was the next best thing I suppose.

We slowly laid down on his bed. I kissed and nibbled his neck. I knew I shouldn’t be leaving marks, but I didn’t care. I wanted to leave proof that this happened. He didn’t seem to mind anyways.

I can feel how excited Alan.  Almost ecstatic. I wonder how many times he’s thought of doing this with me. I’ve definitely thought of doing this with him before. It’s thrilling and dangerous, but oh so worth it.

I reach down his back and pull off his shirt. God sometimes I forget how hot he is! I know how monumentally wrong what we are doing is, but I can’t bring myself to actually care. Leo slept with Carmen and countless other girls. He treated me as though I was expendable. He deserved this.

And if in the process I’m giving Alan what he’s always wanted, doesn’t that make it better? Cheating is wrong sure, but is it that wrong when you’re already being cheated on? Maybe if it’s just a one-time thing it doesn’t really count.

I had only ever been with Leo so I should just get this over with so I know what it’s like with other people. But this will mean so much more to Alan than it will to me. I don’t feel for him what he feels for me. But he’s so hot! s*x doesn’t have to be about feelings. Leo taught me that when he started cheating.

Alan’s lips feel so good on me. I felt so loved being with him like this. It's how I should feel with Leo. God, if Leo ever found out about this, he would be furious. Oh who even cares? He never has to know.  Unlike him I’d be able to keep my transgressions a secret. It would stay between Alan and I. I could do this. I was going to do this!

No, I wasn’t. It’s wrong to lead him on like this. I couldn’t be a bad person like Leo. I didn’t want to hurt the people who loved me. Alan must have felt my hesitation, because he finally stopped kissing me. He’s breathing hard.

“Do you not want to do this?” He asks. He doesn’t seem to be upset.

“I do. But I can’t,” I said. “Not with you.”

“Oh,” He whispered.

“I don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but you’re Leo’s best friend. I think I could sleep with someone behind his back, but not his best friend. That’s wrong.”

Alan got off of me and sat on his bed. “You say you know everything we think you don’t. That means you know about…”

“Carmen?” I asked, also sitting up. “Yeah I know. Honestly that’s why I can’t do it. I know what it’s like to have your best friend betray you and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

“I guess that makes sense,”

“It would have also been unfair to you. I know how you feel about me and I wouldn’t want to lead you on in any way.” I said honestly. “You deserve better than that.”

“I liked you first, you know. Since the sixth grade. Leo knew and he still asked you out anyway.” Alan informed me. “I thought it would be easier to see you with him because he’s my best friend and I could still be close to you, but it’s actually worse. Especially with the way he treats you.”

“I’m sorry things aren’t different. I know you would never treat me the way he does.” I kissed him again.

“I’ll take you home.”

We got dressed in silence, no longer wanting to talk about what almost happened. We both deserved more than this, which probably made it suck more that we couldn’t go through with it.

On the drive back to my house, we sang along to the radio and laughed when we didn't know the words. When we reach my house, we see Mr. Rad’s BMW in front of my house.

“Looks like there’s a family get together going on.” Alan said.

I groaned. “I am so not in the mood for this,”

“Let me know how it goes,” He said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks again for today,” I said before unbuckling my seatbelt. “I needed it. See you tomorrow.” 

I got out of the car and sighed heavily before shutting the door. Alan sped away and part of me wished I was still in the car with him.