THE LANDLORD, THE GOAT AND THE FAKE PASTOR

Chapter 1 — Trouble in Face-Me-I-Face-You In the noisy streets of Warri lived one young man called Emeka. Everybody in the compound knew him for one thing trouble. Not serious criminal trouble. Just useless trouble. If somebody lost slippers, they would first check Emeka’s room. If somebody’s soup disappeared, they would first smell Emeka’s mouth. If loud music played by 2am, everybody already knew who it was. Emeka lived in a small “face-me-I-face-you” compound owned by the wickedest landlord in Delta State Pa Ogaga. Pa Ogaga was tall, dark, always angry, and carried a long walking stick like village chief. Even mosquitoes feared him. Every morning he shouted: “WHO DID NOT PAY WATER BILL?!” Meanwhile there was no water. The tenants fetched water from one yellow tap two streets away. One hot afternoon, Emeka sat outside eating garri with groundnut when his best friend, Koko, rushed in sweating like boiled yam. “Guy! Big problem!” Emeka continued chewing. “If na another girl wahala, abeg wait till I finish this garri.” Koko grabbed the bowl. “Your goat don disappear!” Emeka froze. “My goat?” “Yes! The white goat wey you tie for backyard!” Emeka jumped up. “That goat na my investment!” The goat was not really investment. Emeka won it during one dirty betting game and had been planning to sell it during Christmas. The two boys searched everywhere. They checked gutters. They checked market. They even checked church. No goat. Suddenly one small boy shouted: “I see am! Landlord carry am enter house!” Emeka’s eyes widened. “That old man don finally cross line.” They marched to Pa Ogaga’s apartment like angry soldiers. “Landlord!” Emeka shouted. Pa Ogaga came outside chewing bitter kola. “What is it?” “You thief my goat!” The entire compound became silent. One woman whispered: “Jesus… today go hot.” Pa Ogaga nearly swallowed his kola whole. “You call me thief?” “Yes! Return my goat!” The landlord pointed his stick. “That useless goat chop my wife’s tomatoes!” “So because of tomatoes you kidnap am?” “Kidnap ke? I don already sell am.” Emeka screamed. “YOU SOLD MY GOAT?!” Pa Ogaga folded his arms proudly. “Yes. And the meat sweet well-well.” Koko held Emeka back immediately. “Guy calm down! No fight old man!” But Emeka was already removing shirt. “I go show am madness today!” The compound women gathered like they came for cinema. Then suddenly Pa Ogaga’s wife fainted. Everybody panicked. One tenant shouted: “Carry fan!” Another shouted: “Bring onions!” One old woman poured water on the woman’s face aggressively like she wanted to wash clothes. The woman woke up and immediately slapped the old woman. “Who pour me water?!” The fight scattered everywhere. Meanwhile, during the confusion, Koko quietly stole Pa Ogaga’s chicken. Chapter 2 The Fake Pastor Three days later, another disaster arrived. A new pastor moved into the compound. His name was Prophet Fire Thunder Dangerous Deliverance Ministry International. Nobody knew his real name. He wore white suit every day and sprayed perfume like insecticide. The prophet claimed he could: See the future Cast out demons Cure barrenness Make people rich But after two weeks, everybody noticed something suspicious. The pastor borrowed money from every tenant. Even the compound children. One night, Emeka caught the pastor sneaking into Mama Nkechi’s kitchen. “What are you doing there?” The pastor froze holding one pot of soup. “My son… I came to pray for the food.” “At 1am?” “The Lord works night shift sometimes.” Emeka narrowed eyes. “You wan thief stew abi?” The pastor suddenly spoke in fake tongues. “Shandaraba kotoshaya!” Then he ran away with the soup. The next morning, the compound held emergency meeting. Mama Nkechi cried loudly. “He stole my meat! Three pieces of turkey vanished!” One old man shouted: “That pastor na criminal!” But the prophet defended himself. “The devil framed me!” Koko whispered to Emeka: “If devil dey frame person like this, EFCC go soon arrest Satan.” The compound burst into laughter. To prove himself innocent, the prophet announced a miracle crusade that Friday. “Everybody will witness power!” Friday night came. The compound transformed into open-air church. Plastic chairs everywhere. Generator sounding like helicopter. The prophet climbed stage dramatically. “Tonight… chains will break!” “Amen!” people shouted. “Demons will run!” “Amen!” “Financial breakthrough!” “AMEN!” Then suddenly NEPA took light. Darkness swallowed everywhere. People started shouting. Somebody stepped on chicken. One baby started crying. Then a loud voice screamed: “THIEF!” Torchlights flashed. And there stood Prophet Fire Thunder… …inside Mama Nkechi’s room carrying her television. The compound exploded. “CATCH AM!” The pastor ran faster than Olympic athlete. Women pursued him with slippers. Men chased him with sticks. One boy even chased him holding spoon for no reason. The prophet jumped gutter, crossed road, and disappeared forever. Till today nobody knows where he went. But Mama Nkechi recovered her TV. Unfortunately Koko stole the remote during the confusion. Chapter 3 — Love Wahala One beautiful new girl later moved into the compound. Her name was Anita. Every man in the compound lost concentration immediately. Even Pa Ogaga started combing his beard. Anita was light-skinned, funny, and sold perfumes online. The first day Emeka saw her, he nearly fainted. “My future wife…” Koko laughed. “You? This girl too fine for your suffering.” But Emeka refused to give up. The next morning he borrowed clothes from three different people. Trouser from Koko. Belt from one tailor. Shoes from church drummer. Nothing matched. He looked like confused politician. Still, he approached Anita confidently. “Hello beautiful.” “Hi.” “I’m Emeka. CEO.” “CEO of what?” Emeka paused. “Different businesses.” At that exact moment, one woman shouted from upstairs: “EMEKA! COME PAY THE MONEY YOU BORROWED!” Anita looked at him slowly. “CEO?” Emeka smiled nervously. “Assistant CEO.” Despite everything, Anita liked him because he made her laugh. Soon they started talking every evening. The compound became jealous. Especially one man called Teacher Mike. Teacher Mike wore tight trousers and spoke big English nobody understood. One evening he approached Anita. “Your beauty radiates like atmospheric illumination.” Anita blinked. “Sorry?” “I am saying you resemble electric bulb.” Meanwhile Emeka watched from distance boiling with jealousy. He told Koko: “That grammar boy must fall.” The next day Emeka planned romantic surprise. He borrowed guitar though he couldn’t play. At night he stood outside Anita’s window singing. Unfortunately the song sounded like dying goat. Dogs started barking. Babies woke up crying. One angry tenant poured dirty water from upstairs. The water landed directly on Emeka. Anita came outside laughing uncontrollably. “You actually tried?” Emeka smiled sheepishly. “For love.” She laughed harder. And somehow… That was the exact moment Anita fell for him. Chapter 4 — The Wedding Disaster One year later, Emeka and Anita planned wedding. The whole compound prepared like national holiday. But everybody knew one thing: If Emeka organized anything, disaster must happen. On wedding morning, caterer disappeared. The cake arrived damaged. Generator refused to start. And Koko mistakenly drank the Chapman meant for guests. Still, the ceremony continued. The pastor asked: “Does anybody object to this union?” Suddenly Pa Ogaga stood up. Everybody gasped. “I OBJECT!” Anita nearly fainted. Emeka shouted: “Old man wetin again?!” Pa Ogaga cleared throat dramatically. “This boy still owe me six months rent.” The crowd burst into laughter. Even the pastor laughed. Emeka begged: “Landlord abeg today no disgrace me.” Pa Ogaga smiled slowly. Then he brought out envelope. Inside was house key. The compound became silent. “I am giving you and your wife one free room.” Everybody shouted in shock. “EH?!” Even Emeka almost cried. “You mean it?” The old man nodded. “You are troublesome… but this compound would be boring without you.” For the first time in history, Pa Ogaga smiled. Then suddenly Koko rushed into the church shouting: “FIRE! FIRE!” People scattered. Women carried gele and ran. Men jumped chairs. Children screamed happily because they thought it was movie. After ten minutes of confusion, Koko finally confessed: “Sorry… na moi-moi burn for kitchen.” The bride nearly killed him. Chapter 5 — The Biggest Surprise Months after the wedding, Anita became pregnant. Emeka was overjoyed. He started behaving responsible. Small. Very small. One evening he sat outside with Pa Ogaga discussing life. The old landlord sighed. “You know… when I was young, I was also troublesome.” Emeka laughed. “You? Impossible.” Pa Ogaga smiled. “I once stole goat for love.” Emeka froze. “Wait… na you thief my goat that year?!” The old man coughed. “The matter don pass.” “YOU ATE MY GOAT!” “Forget old things.” Emeka stood dramatically. “So all this peace na scam?” The landlord laughed so hard he started coughing. For the first time, Emeka laughed too. That night the compound held small celebration. Music played. Children danced. Women cooked. Even Koko returned the stolen remote after one year. Around midnight, Anita sat beside Emeka quietly. “You know this compound is crazy.” “The craziest.” “But I love it.” Emeka smiled. “I love it too.” At that exact moment somebody shouted from distance: “THIEF!” Another voice shouted: “Catch am!” Then Koko ran across the compound holding one giant turkey. Everybody screamed with laughter. Some things never change. THE END