After the Breakup

I just stood there, unable to say anything.  Tears started to flow from my eyes and I didn't even notice nor do I have the energy to wipe them.  All my energy seem to have been drained, I feel helpless as I stare at the closed door of my condo.  I cannot seem to move, slowly I sat down feeling like my legs have just gone weak and unable to hold me up.  I sat on the floor, still staring at the door as I let tears fall.  How? Why? Questions flooding my mind.  How can he just leave?  How can he leave me when he said he still loves me?  If he loves me, why did he hurt me?  I lied down on the floor, stared blankly at the white ceiling.  Wondering if this is real but at the same time, searching for answers.  " I will always love you but I have to let you go..."  Those were his words.  Why did he have to let me go when I don't want to go?  I just want to stay with him forever.  It is not me who is asking to be free.  Why did he make it seem like he is doing this for me?   Yet, looking through his eyes, I can still see how much he loves me. There seem to be so much sorrow in his eyes, so much sincerity as he said those words that I can almost feel his pain.  Maybe that's why it hurts more... I know that he is also hurting so why did he do this? Why did he break up with me after 5 long years.   I searched my mind for answers but nothing seem to make sense.  He already said that he still loves me and that he always will. Or maybe it’s a lie?  Maybe he just said those words to soften the blow. The typical it's not you it's me excuse.  But I feel it.... I feel that he still loves me so much or am I just seeing things that I want to see?   He wasn't looking at me when he left. He just kept looking at the floor, as if avoiding my eyes.  He was never like that.  He has been the most honest and open person that I have ever met. He always looks at me and I always get the answer that I need to hear and not what I want to hear.  Is it different today? Did he just tell me things I want to hear, or at least some of the things I want to hear to make it less painful?  I stared blankly at the ceiling, still unable to move though I can feel the coldness of the floor matching the coldness the I feel after he left.  Instinctively, I curled up holding my knees as I continue crying.  It felt like a dream or should say a nightmare that I wanted to wake up from. It feels so unreal but the sting, the stabbing pain in my heart is there and it does feel so potent, so real that I felt lost.  It is not like me to feel helpless and not in control but now, as I lay here on the floor, I cannot seem to do anything to stop the pain nor even move my own body.   I closed my eyes, remembering what happened over the past weeks, if there was any hint that this is coming.  My instincts always warn me when something bad will happen.  Why didn't I feel anything?  Why did it feel like he will always be by my side?  Oh how I wish he will hug me now, just like he use to.  His arms have always felt like home that can drown out any bad day.  But those arms will probably not hold me anymore.  Not now, when I needed it the most.  Chill run down my spine thinking that I will no longer feel the warmth of his arms, his body wrapped around me.   The vision of him, closing the door behind him when he left lingers in my mind.  I yearned to kiss him, to hold him for the last time but it seems that he didn't want to give me a chance. He seem to be avoiding any contact.  I want to think that he did that because if we kiss for the last time, if we hold each other for the last time, that he will change his mind and he will not be able to leave.  Maybe he is also hurting... I hope that he is also hurting.