After the Breakup

Fears Lurking

After a failed relationship, here I am exploring a possibility of a new one with a guy I just met.  Or maybe this is just a fling that will end once my 5 day trip here in Japan ends. I guess, the best thing to do is to enjoy it while it lasts. Having Khalil beside me in these two days just made this trip one of the best trips I have ever had, if not actually the best. If we will just end up as travel buddies, I will definitely want that. He has been a great one and for some reason, we really click.  It’s as if he likes the same things I do that we never even had to make any compromises during the last two days.

I had been thinking about Mark every now and then, there were moments that I had been wishing Khalil is Mark, enjoying the view with me or holding my hand as we stroll through those places. But there are times when Khalil is also just Khalil whose company I genuinely enjoy and who’s making me wish for our time together not to end.

Khalil never really took advantage of me.  Apart from the holding hands, occasional hugs and kisses on my hair and forehead, he never tried to cross the line.  He had been quite a gentleman all through those times we were together.  Tonight, we had dinner at Chibo Diversity, one of the most popular okonomiyaki places in Osaka. They also serve other stuff that are halal so we had more options compared to the other places in the area.  This is probably the most Muslim friendly restaurant in Dotonbori. We got to enjoy yakisoba and the wagyu steak and their famous okonomiyaki.

Finding Muslim friendly food places is probably the most challenging part of our trip, and probably the only compromise that we had to make. It’s still fun though. Right now, finding those places feels like an adventure and I also get to learn what’s Halal and not Halal and try new dishes from places where we can eat.

Again, Khalil did not allow me to pay for anything. I read something of it, being part of their culture so I just indulge him. I try to give him some small gifts as tokens to show how much I appreciate his gestures but I decided not to insist on paying as that might be an insult for him. I also feel that he’s loaded so it won’t hurt the bank.  I probably would have put a little more push on it if I see that finances may be an issue, but it looks like it’s not.

The train ride back to my BnB had been silent, but it’s a silence that never bothered me.  It felt like we’re just both savoring the moment and allowing ourselves to enjoy the view and us, being side by side.  Each others presence seem to be enough to have that sense of security. It’s pretty much the same I had with Mark.  We just love being together and enjoy each others company even if we don’t say a word.  There will be days when we will just be in the couch, me leaning on his chest while he’s hugging me while we watch a movie or listen to music.  Khalil gives me the same feeling, when no words are necessary yet we can also talk for hours about anything and everything.  Between the two though, the conversations with Khalil is quite diverse while Mark will be more about common interests. I guess, it has to do with the differences in culture and also, the fact that Khalil has gone to different countries including my country.  He said he had been visiting to the Philippines for 12 years now so he is quite familiar with the Philippines and our culture.

We walked towards my BnB again, and just like the night before, he kissed my forehead and hugged me for a while.  Exactly, how I liked it. I couldn’t help but smile as I think about the day with Khalil and the fact that I will see him again tomorrow. For some reason, I still want him to kiss me and the thought is giving me butterflies.

I decided to check on my social media. Khalil and I just started following each other on i********: and this is the first time I will see his account.  But first, I checked on Mark’s social media to see if there’s anything new.  Apart from the updates that seem to be intended for his students, there’s nothing new happening there. No new pictures, no update on the status, so on f*******:, we are still together but in real life, it had been almost 3 months since he left me.

I didn’t want to linger on that thought since this trip’s goal is really to forget him, I moved on to check on Khalil’s i********: account. He only follows about 70 accounts and followed by 80. I also know that his account was private so only his followers can view his posts. I noticed that he is a bit of an introvert but his IG somehow confirms that. He seem to just keep a small number of friends, he also said his f*******: account had been inactive for years. I checked it and his last activity was over 3 years ago.  Khalil’s posts were mostly from his tours, there’s actually a lot of pictures from different countries, including my home country. No girls on the pictures, probably part of the Muslim culture as well.  There are about 2 guys who are constantly on the pictures, probably his close friends and his brother appears once in a while.

My heart melted when I saw the pictures with his nieces and nephews, him driving the car and everyone on the backseat with their seatbelts on.  Then the pictures of the kids with him on the pool. There were also a couple of candid photos of him playing with the kids during what seem to be a family gathering.  A part of me starts to think what if they are his kids and not really his sisters?  I tried to look for signs but from the pictures itself or the comments or the caption, but it really seem that he is just an uncle and not the father.  There’s a certain distance between them in spite what appears to be a close relationship.  Then more pictures of his travel, the soccer games that he watched live in Spain with Real Madrid and Barcelona, and some agricultural lectures he attended. There were also some pictures of some farms, I am just not sure if those are their farms or if those are the farms that he just visited.  I enjoyed looking at the pictures and watching the videos, he seem to be the type of person who really knows how to have fun but I can also see the quiet side of him amidst the gatherings he had with his friends. I often seem him at the back, silently watching his friends have fun and smiling when the camera passes by him. He seem to be having fun doing that, it’s not as if he was being left out.

What if Khalil is married though? Or what if he is engaged to be married or on a fixed marriage and he is just here to savor his last days as a bachelor? He doesn't seem married though. He doesn't seem to be the type who will look for a fling during his trips, seeing how he seem comfortable with solitude.  In the end, I don’t really know him and there will be things that only time will reveal.  I only have 2 more days left in my trip, after that, I will be back to reality again.  I will have to report back to work and face the fact that, I am now alone and will have to start dreaming for myself. To face a future without Mark. For now, I will just let myself forget and enjoy my remaining days with Khalil, regardless of who he is or whatever or whoever is waiting for him when he goes back to Canada.