WORTHWHILE

Chapter 6

Back home, now a teenager preparing for college, Ivy sighed at her phone. Some things never changed - the rules, the opinions, the expectations - but she had learned to survive, It was one of those discussions about what women could or couldn’t do, what they should or shouldn’t do.

Can these people just let women be? she muttered under her breath. Every time, it’s women this, women, that, women, women, women!

She was tired. Tired of the environment, the ignorance, and the way people refused to see beyond what they thought was “right” or “natural.”

Her parents had been getting on her nerves more than usual lately. Her father, in particular, had developed a hot temper. She didn’t know when it started, or if it had always been there and she was too young to notice. She hated it here. She couldn’t wait to go to college, to be free from it all.

Ivy had tried to fight her feelings, tried to deny that she was different. But slowly, she realised she wasn’t “normal.” Not maybe -she just wasn’t.

The moment of truth hit her one day at a small shop. She saw a woman -Jessica -and Ivy couldn’t stop staring. She was mesmerised. Infatuated. Her heart raced in a way that wasn’t her usual anxiety. She was certain Jessica could hear it in her own chest as she passed by. The woman’s name was spoken by the shop attendant as she left.

That’s when Ivy knew she had a crush. But she was too nervous, too scared to do anything. She had been so closeted that she hadn’t even met another queer person face to face - or at least, not knowingly.

She decided not to risk it. Her chances were maybe 0.1 per cent, and if that turned out to be zero, it could put her in danger.

This was Ivy’s first crush - or second, if she counted what she felt for Ammie during the last holiday before she accepted herself. Ivy and Ammie weren’t as close anymore, but they still chatted occasionally.

Ivy left the stall, glancing back at Jessica one last time. Would she ever see her again? She guessed the woman was at least four or five years older than her.

At home, her mother’s voice called from the kitchen.

“Ivy! Go and call your older brother to eat and put a spoon on his plate!”

Ivy groaned. “Mom, why do you always have to shout my name? Charles can serve himself!”

“Keep quiet and go call him. He’s way older than you,” her mother snapped.

“And so? If I weren’t around, wouldn’t he serve himself? Who would serve him then?”

“I will serve him,” her mother replied shortly.

“And if you weren’t around?”

“Then we would know I’m not around, and your siblings would serve themselves.”

Ivy bit back a retort. She wasn’t ready for an argument. She would soon leave for college, and if her mother wanted to serve her two brothers for eternity, that was her problem.

Her third brother and immediate older sister were just weeks from graduating from college. Her eldest sister had given birth to twin boys two months ago - Ivy’s favourite siblings, though they rarely spent time together. The last time Ivy had seen Esther was at her wedding three years ago. Snapping out of her thoughts, she went to call her brother.

She also had to say goodbye to her co-workers at the small school where she had been volunteering for the last two years. It was just a month before college would start. She had begun the work even while preparing for her first college entrance exam - the one she had been rejected from, for reasons she still didn’t understand.

The children had grown on her, though they could be trying at times. Ivy didn’t have much fondness for kids, which was why she had opted to work with the older elementary classes - grades five and six.

Her co-workers were sad to see her go, but they knew it was to further her education.

Ivy was ready for change. She hoped that college would allow her to be a little more herself. She never intended to come out of the closet there- not yet. Not when so much was at stake.