Semicolon

Have you ever reached a decision where you want to end it badly 'cause in spite of making efforts, it was never enough? Have you ever decided to let go of something that is not worth choosing and fighting for? What about ending your life because you feel like you're a burden, nuisance, not-so-important to everyone? I am tired of telling myself that what happened back then was not my fault, that it was an accident. Life really makes me feel that for whatever reason or for whatever's happening, I am alone. Honestly, I have friends. I have a lot of friends. I just feel like that I am an outsider and like putting my feet on shoes that was not meant for me, it's like I am filling up the space for someone. I never feel like they wanted me. I never feel like that I am their friend. No one made me feel like I am their 'home' person. In reality, I am just no one to them. I want to end things and cut our connection because I am just suffering from this forced connection and this friendship, but I choose to keep them. I choose to continuing choosing them even though they never chose me. I choose to bond with them even though I feel the awkwardness whenever we are together. Everything is forced. Do I have to settle for this? Yes, if I have to because this is the only way to not feel that I am alone. Funny. I am complaining with everything being forced, but still enjoying their company. Still loving the way I bond with them, still keeping them. I grew up in a province with my family spoiling me with a bunch of stuff since I am an only child. I don't mind receiving gifts on a daily basis or even on a random days, I just get used to it. My family knew how to spoil me, but they are still strict. They are balancing on being spoiled parent and strict parent. My dad owned a couple of business and he is always on his phone as he is monitoring his stocks or money about trading or investing, I don't know. It is something about trading, I guess. On the other hand, my mom bought a franchise fast food chain and the store is always busy! So, in spite of being busy, they always make sure that they give me time. They talk to me with a random stuff, say random jokes and always asking me, “how was your day, baby?" at the end of the day. To be honest, they made me experience the different love languages and I don't have any inner child to heal because I get to experience everything! When it comes to quality time, they knock on my door to bother and annoy me. An hour or two of talking random stuffs, talking about our day, problems or issue inside and outside our home, and more! We also play games sometimes or even travel! As for physical touch, I never get shy when I want to hug my mom or dad. Sometimes they were the one who insist about giving me a hug. We hold hands as well when walking side by side, but I'm in between them of course! Words of affirmation, they never fail to tell me that they are proud of me. That it's okay to make mistakes; that mistakes are part of growing up. They assure me and always text or call me whenever we want and update everybody every minute! We even have a group chat for our updates and random things. They are very soft spoken as well! Acts of service, my dad always drive me to school and pick me up. Showed me how guys should act, so I don't have to lower my standards. He always open the door for me, offer his hands, carry my stuff, and more! As for my mom, she cooks us food everyday. She always served us random stuff. For receiving gifts, as what I've said earlier, they give me gifts on a random days. There was this one time when I accidentally broke my laptop screen, they immediately went out and buy me a laptop even though I told them that I'll have it fix. See, I am not a love deprived. It's just that I feel like there is lacking in me and I can't pinpoint it. Oh. Now I see what's wrong. The problem is me. I've changed. People treated me so bad that they made me this kind of person. I let them used me, I let them take advantage of me. I let everyone around me treat me like a trash. My parents weren't happy with what I have done and what people done to me. They're disappointed not to me, but to my friends that they trusted so much. They set the standard, my parents, but I lowered it for some people because I love them. I didn't know that what I have done will result into this. I have tried several ways to end my life. Attempted suicide, attempted jumping on the bridge, doing shitty things and stuff. However, I get rescued by my parents. Since then, they never take their eyes off of me. Everything I do, they must be in watch. So, I choose to continue living my life. However, I lived to pretend and to fake everything out so my parents will continue living their life as well.