Finding Home

Goodbye is the Hardest Part- Pt 1

By the time we made it to the dining room, all of the girls were sitting around the giant table, waiting for the food to finish being prepared. The room was louder than usual, filled with the sound of conversations overlapping one another, chairs scraping against the floor, and the occasional burst of laughter.

I could tell that most of the girls’ attention was being drawn toward the back of the room. When I looked over, I noticed the two little boys, Landen and Larsen, chasing each other around in circles.

Landen was laughing so hard that he could barely run straight, while Larsen followed behind him, his little legs moving as fast as they could.

“Get me!” Landen yelled between fits of laughter. Larsen squealed something that sounded vaguely like a response before continuing after him. Each time one of them got close enough to catch the other, it resulted in another peal of laughter, not only from the two boys but from many of the girls around the room.

Some of the girls were smiling at them from their seats, while others were laughing along with them. One of the younger girls even leaned over the back of her chair, watching the boys as though she were afraid she might miss something.

It felt almost strange to hear so much laughter and joy echoing throughout the room.

While many of the girls loved to hang out, play games, and laugh, there was something different about the laughter currently bouncing off the walls. Maybe it’s because there are new people here, or maybe it’s for some other reason, but for just a few minutes, we are simply a bunch of girls sitting around a table while two little boys ran around making everyone laugh. And while it may not last, it’s a moment that I don’t want to forget.

Tears began to well up in my eyes as I remembered that in just an hour I would be leaving. This morning, I woke up thinking it was just another day, and now I’m about to say goodbye, at least for now. I know Mrs. Porter wants me to have faith in Carter and Addison, to have faith that this family could actually want me, but it’s so hard to.

Even though it’s been almost eight years since I have been in a foster home, that feeling of not being wanted, it doesn’t just go away. The fear that courses through your veins at the possibility of being discarded for so much as breathing in the wrong place, it stays with you.

So far, I like Addison, she seems sweet and like she cares. The boys are adorable, I can’t argue with that.

But it was Carter that I didn’t fully trust. He had yet to say much directly to me. Even earlier, when we had spoken in the hallway, I couldn’t completely figure him out. He wasn’t mean. He wasn’t rude. But there was something about the way he looked at me that made me nervous.

Maybe he was simply uncomfortable. Maybe he didn’t know how to act around me. Or maybe he had already decided that he didn’t want me there. For all I knew, I could be right back here next week.

The thought made my stomach twist. Actually, twist was putting it nicely. I felt the nerves gathering in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t understand why anyone described this feeling as butterflies. Butterflies were pretty.

This felt like I was going to puke. “Breathe, Lily. Breathe.” I repeated the words silently in my head, taking a slow breath through my nose. I repeated in my head, determined to not to get sick in front of everyone.

“Lily?” I snapped out of my thoughts as I realized that Addison had called my name, she was no longer standing beside me, but had moved to the corner of the table where I noticed Carter was sitting, now watching me as well.

I blinked back my tears that had yet to fall and forced my feet to move, feeling almost in a trance as I made my way over to the table. “Are you okay?” I heard her ask quietly as I sat down. I felt myself nod in response even though my mind was screaming no. I’m not okay, but I can’t say that out loud, who know what they might say, or if they will even care, my other families never did.

The pit in my stomach only grew as I looked around the room and saw Mrs. Porter sitting at the head of the table, quietly conversing with one of the girls before meeting my eyes. My breath caught in my throat as I watched her stand up from her chair, the legs scraping against the floor as they moved back.

I kept my gaze locked on her as she looked around the room, before letting her soft gaze landed back on me. I felt the pit in my stomach tighten, knowing what was about to be said.

“Good afternoon, everyone.” Mrs. Porter paused and cleared her throat as a scattered greeting echoed around the table. “It makes me so happy each time we gather at this table and I’m able to see each of your beautiful faces.” I watched as she looked around the room, meeting each girl’s eyes with a kind smile.

“I know each of you have a different reason that you are in this room today, and while I wish that they weren’t the case, I’m so honored that each of those situations brought you into my life, whether you have been with me for only a short time, or since day one,” she said as her eyes met mine, “You have each been such a blessing in my life.”

She paused and her smile became sad. I could see the tears beginning to gather in her eyes. She blinked them away and cleared her throat before continuing.

“Now, as I’m sure you have all come to realize, we have some guests with us today.” She gestured toward the couple beside me. Carter had one of the boys sitting on his lap while Addison held the other. “This is Carter and Addison Anderson and their two boys, Landen and Larsen.”

Several of the girls smiled at the boys. Landen waved at someone across the table. “And they are having dinner with us today because, after dinner, they will be taking our sweet Lily home with them.”

A collective gasp echoed around the room. I felt my face grow hot as the girls who hadn’t heard the news finally realized what was happening. A few soft sobs immediately followed. I looked around the table. So many familiar faces stared back at me.Girls who had become my sisters, who had watched me grow up. Who had literally seen me cry, laugh, yell, and make mistakes. Girls who knew more about me than most people ever would. Mrs. Porter continued speaking, but my attention was already drifting.

“Lily, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that although we are so happy that you are going home with the Andersons today, it is going to be strange without you around here.”

I swallowed hard. “For those of you who are not aware, Lily was the first little girl that I welcomed through those doors all those years ago.” I looked down at my hands.“And from the five-year-old little girl who walked through those doors to the sixteen-year-old young woman standing in front of me now, I couldn’t be prouder.”

Tears slowly began falling down my cheeks. I could hear Mrs. Porter still talking, but I couldn’t get myself to focus on her words. Instead, I focused on the girls sitting around the room. Bella was crying. So was one of the younger girls across from her. Paige had her head down, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve.

“And Lily,” Mrs. Porter said, bringing my attention back to her. “There is something I want you to remember.” Her voice softened as she looked directly at me.

“When you first came through those doors, you were just a little girl. You were scared, you were angry, and you had every reason in the world not to trust anyone.”

A few of the girls smiled through their tears.

“But you slowly learned that you were safe here. You learned that you could laugh. You learned that you could make friends. You learned that it was okay to be silly and loud and messy and still be loved.” She paused, her eyes shining. “And somewhere along the way, that little girl who needed so much love began giving it right back to everyone around her.”

My bottom lip trembled.

“You became the girl the younger ones looked up to. The girl who would sit beside someone when they were crying. The girl who could make everyone laugh when things felt too heavy. You became a big sister to girls who needed one.”

Before I could react, I heard the scrape of a chair against the floor. I looked up and Paige was standing beside her chair. She looked at Mrs. Porter for a moment before turning her tear-filled eyes toward me. Her finger fidgeting at her mouth. Then, without saying a word, she walked around the table.

“Paige?” I whispered. She didn’t answer. Instead, she walked straight toward me. I reached my arms out just as she climbed into my lap. She wrapped her little arms around my waist and buried her face against my chest. I immediately hugged her back.

Mrs. Porter smiled. “And I think we all know that one little girl in particular has claimed Lily as her big sister.”

A few of the girls laughed softly through their tears. I looked down at Paige. She had her face hidden against me, but I could feel the tears soaking through my shirt. I ran my hand gently over her hair.