BREATHE THROUGH ME

WHISPERS OF EMMA

December 21st

I woke up to weakly filtered winter sun on my blinds , the morning was chilled so I damped a little bit to ease off the thoughts that had disturbed me through out the night. I’ve been overwhelmed with the thought of my mother , Her health issues is really draining me emotionally. I longed for my vibrant mother that lighten up the house with so much love and joy, all these has been replaced with a quiet house filled with anxious thoughts which I can’t easily shake off.

I pulled out my bed cover and quietly came out of the bed, I headed into the kitchen to make my mother some scrabble egg and tea.

The kitchen feels the same as always, I gradually whisked the eggs in the bowl, the sound of the fork clinking on the bowl was audible because of the silence in the house. The quietness in the house made me to miss the times when the morning was my favorite part of the day in this home. Mornings that was filled with laughter and the air was so alive and the smell of delicious food on the cooking stove.

I leaned against the counter while I paused, going down the memory lane— A cloudy day as the warm beam of sunlight breaking through. The Sunday morning was so bright and beautiful, I walked into the kitchen feeling sleepy with a messy hair. The sun rays that pierced into the kitchen window filled it with golden brown light. Mom was in the kitchen wearing her yellow apron standing beside the stove. She was humming a beautiful tone which I instantly loved .

“ Sweetheart, you are up” she said as she quickly turned to me with her charming smiles.

She immediately flipped a pancake perfectly with a little twist in her wrist. I reach out and gave her a quick peek on the cheek.

“ Good morning , mom” I murmured as I reached out for seat in the dining table.

Mom pointed the spatula at me and asked whether I want to be the official pancake taster.

“ This role is very important to me, you know “. She said.

I let out a loud laugh. “ What award will I be getting this time around?” I said.

“Ofcourse baby—the award of the best daughter of the year goes to you”. She smiled.

She reached out to the aluminum foil and was making the goofiest award I’ve ever seen and handed it to me.

“There you are, I know you will get more awards in life”.

“I’m very sure you will make me proud “. She said

I was sunk with this big smile, felt like the most special person that moment. I huffed when she opened a perfect round golden brown pancake with sprinkles of syrup and whipped cream as toppings. I was so excited couldn’t wait to cut it, I took a big bite and tastes so yummy.

“This is best pancake I’ve ever eaten “. I said with gestures.

She laughed softly that her joy filled every corner of the kitchen.

She quickly grabbed some for herself and she sat close to me . We talked about everything including our plans for the day, even talked about our neighbors funny dog and also the song she was humming all day. I couldn’t think of anything better than where I was.

“Can every of our Sunday be like this? I asked.

She held my hands reassuringly.

“Sweetie, as long as we have each other, there’ll always be pancakes and laughter “.

I was standing in the kitchen as the memory drifted away as quickly as it came. I was still holding fork as the eggs had barely mixed. I could feel a lump on my throat and mounded tears which I blink back. I really miss her laughter and her smile that lit up our home with love and joy. My home is now filled silence and anxious feelings which I can’t escape.

I stared at the bowl on my hands and decided that I will strive and make sure my home will be filled with laughter, love and joy.

I poured the eggs into the head pan mixed with butter, the atmosphere filled with the butter smell and the sound of frying eggs grounded me in the moment. I smiled remembering good old days while I made a cup of tea then arranged it properly in a tray with her medications.

I headed to my mother’s room and was reminding myself that it’s my turn to love and care for her to remind her what we used to share.

I walked slowly into her room, I watched the steady rhythm of her rising and falling chest.

I watched her for some moment while she sleep, then I took her hand, the comfort it gave me with the sense of cool skin and frail fingers.

She opened her eyes and looked at me deeply

“Hello mom, how are you doing today “ I said

“Sophia is that you?” She said,robbing her palm on my cheek.

I smiled “ yes mom, it’s me” I replied

I reminded her how beautiful and glowing she looked. She responded with a weak smile.

“Sophia my darling—I’m so worried about you”.

I held her and reassured her that with her by my side , that am very happy.

“I can see through your eyes my baby, you are not happy” she said .

She told me that the only thing that can help us is making plans to start up a family. She advised me to give love a chance.

She immediately switched and said “Emma “

“Do you know her ? “

“Emma?” I said pretending

Still didn’t want to tell her what Elijah saw in grandma’s attic since we have not figured who Emma was.

I forced a calm appearance, letting her know I don’t know who Emma was . She looked so confused and open up to me that the name has been bothering her all night .

I tried to make her believe it’s her illness that is getting at her but she was so sure there is something about Emma.

The thought of Emma couldn’t stop in my head, after giving her medication and making sure she had it, i proceeded to grandma’s attic which I hardly accessed, I looked for every possible clue but couldn’t find none. It was only the family album journals and keepsake.

I was heading out when the doorbell rang, I waited a little and then headed to the door. It was Elijah, he was well covered and filled with December air. He had on him a bag of groceries.

“Hi Sophia “ he said with his contagious smile, I looked his deep brown eyes and smiled back at him,leaving the way to have him come in.

“How about making lunch today together, in case you need helping hand — I’m here”.

I was so excited having Elijah around seeing someone that will help me get off my current mood.

“Sounds perfect” I said . I helped him with the bag and then unpacked them in the kitchen. From the slicing vegetables and stirring the pot, it was a long filled conversation about our lives. I laughed so hard on his joke, I became so glued and comfortable around Elijah that I open up about my challenge— mother’s health even how I want to give love a chance and start building a family .

After eating and clearing the dishes, Elijah reached for his guitar which was at the counter earlier.

“There’s this song I’ve been working on” he chuckled

“ Tell me what you feel about the song” he said.

As he played, I couldn’t help but admiring him , from his personality and his physical appearance to the way his fingers moves effortlessly. The melodious tune from the strings saturates the room and sank into my bones. The moment fades the worries that had the best of me, I didn’t want to song to end. His voice was deep and charming at the same time.

As the song came to an end, I couldn’t help but how beautiful he played and sang. He smiled as he placed the guitar back to the counter .

“I’m glad you liked it “ he said

We sat for sometime and the thought of Emma creeping in, I pulled my chair backwards and told him I need to check something in my grandma’s attic. Elijah offered a helping hand which I which I hesitated but accepted.

I explained to him that there will be some clue that will lead us to Emma.

We climbed the stairs leading to the attic . I could perceive the dust and the old wood. The sun from outside through the window, illuminated the room. We searched the boxes , old photo albums and brittle letters and other old stuffs. Then boom!! I saw a small leather bound journal .

“I think we found something”. i said.

The pages were old as Elijah flipped through them. The writings were faded but I could recognize its grandma’s handwriting. At a point my eyes were caught on a page.

September 5th, 1955

“The family celebrates today as Emma and Margaret starts school for the first time. Looking back how my babies grew up so fast, they were just so tiny when they were born, it feels like yesterday”.

I paused and looked at Elijah “What’s this?” I said.

“Mom has a sister and I didn’t know?”.

“Is it possible that they all knew about this and no one said anything “.

“Mom lived her life as if Emma never exists”. I asked the questions all at once.

“Do you think your mom must have seen this ?” Elijah frowned.

“I don’t know but we need to find Emma at once to know why all this happened.

All the unanswered questions still ring bell in my head as we came down from the attic .

It was already evening, we had dinner together and Elijah prepared to leave, he turned to me and said.

“We will find out whatever this is together”. He said coming very close , I could sense the spark and how badly he wanted to hug me but he kept his distance feeling unsure how I would react. I didn’t know what to do at this moment, I nooded and thanked him for everything.

I went into the bathroom and had a hot shower and after mom’s needs had been attended to, I laid on my bed , the words from journal played from time to time until I fell asleep. My dream was all about a woman that I feel so connected to. I won’t stop till I unfold the whole truth about this.