The Last String

|08| Camp out

|08| Camp out

Weekend is the time that I enjoy my solitude ever since I study at MAE. Gavin, Maria, and Taehyung go home to their families every weekend if there’s no schoolwork needed to do and that’s the exact scenario right now. 

The whole floor is quite with just me the only breathing person left alone to enjoy the weekend. This week stressed me out with the turnouts of the events and being alone somehow makes my head clear during the daylight. The sun is shining brightly and the noise from bustling streets are the only thing that I can hear with my balcony door open. There are a lot of things that I can do and one of them is grocery shopping. As much as I want to stay inside of the condo all day, I need to go and shop for my foods or else I’ll be starving.

Dressed in a casual jeans, white tank top, and white sneakers, I waited for my grab to come because the grocery store’s pretty far. With my phone and wallet with me, I left the condo.

Dad wired some money into my account for me to buy my necessities. I don’t buy that much because I go to the grocery store every weekend. Sometimes if I don’t have time to do shopping, I order the groceries online and they do door to door deliveries. 

Cooking for myself, cleaning the condo by myself, doing my laundry—I basically learned how to do these chores at an early age because no one do these for me. I was always alone in our house with no company. I had to do all those things myself. 

Grabbing the large box of cereals and some cartons of milk, I pushed my cart to look around and search for the things that I needed. 

I filled my cart with mainly fruits and readymade vegetable salad available at the grocery. A tub of chocolate chip ice cream is tempting me but I had to say no because I’m on diet. The hash browns are also waving but I can’t wave back. I am so frustrated every time I see my favorites but can’t have them because the competition is not yet over! 

I’m in a middle of choosing what fabric conditioner I should use when I heard a soft chuckle before me. There’s this little girl with her parents hovering around her. They look so happy and I can’t help but to envy her. They look like normal people who doesn’t care about wanting more money. They look contented with what they have as long as they can provide. 

How lucky. 

I shrugged off the building feeling inside me and proceeded shopping alone. 

After paying for my goods, I decided to have my brunch here at the grocery store. They have a fast food inside their grocery and they offer pizza, burger, hotdogs, salad, cheesecake, and churros, all with different flavors. 

After buying my meal, I wondered for a while because I haven’t realized earlier that there are no table for two. All the tables are six seaters. Being shy that I am, I occupied a vacant table. They can sit with me but I can’t bring myself to sit with other people. Do you get it? I mean yeah, it’s fine when other people wanted to share tables with me but if it’s the other way and I’m the one who needs to sit in with others? I’d rather sit alone all by myself. 

I was eating my vegetable salad when a familiar woman stood in front of me. 

“Hi! Can we share seats with you?” She asked me. I put up a small smile and nodded my head. It was the woman from the happy family earlier. 

“Great! Thank you!” The woman sat at the end of the table far away from me. Realizing that she wanted some privacy with her family, I eat faster than I could. 

I can’t remember a single meal that I shared with my family that we’re complete. It will always be me alone or with Mom. Most of the times they would be eating out before coming home so I always end up eating fastfoods or readymade foods that I can buy in grocery stores. 

During Christmas, I would always eat first because both of them are busy sending regards to their business partners. During New Year, I would be celebrating alone in a community park with strangers because they have charity gala that they needed to attend. 

It’s always for the company, for the charity, for the people but never for their daughter. When will I be their priority? Can they put me first above all other things? I bet no. 

That’s the thing. You can’t demand because you’re not in the priority list. 

After grocery shopping and fixing my stocks, I laid my back to the soft bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking what would my life be if I chose to be left behind in the Philippines. 

If I chose to stay, would I be happy?

Looking back, I’ve had a happy childhood. My mom was always out for work so I was often left to my grandma who let me play all day. Running with no slippers on, playing under the sun and running through the heavy rain—those are memories worth keeping. Remembering those things, I realized that I have no happy memories with my parents.

Graduation? Grandma walked me to receive my awards. 

Christmas party? Grandma accompanied me in shopping the gifts that I needed to buy. 

Birthday? Grandma would always bake my birthday cake. 

All of the special occasions when I was young, it was grandma who spent it with me. After migrating to U.S. after grandma’s sudden death, I’ve never experienced celebrating those occasions again. 

I have all the time in the world but I have no one to spend it with. 

I would always tell myself that I should live the life that I wanted. 

I would always tell myself that I am who I am.

I would always tell myself that I am enough. 

I would always tell myself that I love myself. 

I would always tell myself the validation that I needed. 

Because I’m slowly falling apart and losing myself in the process of making and telling myself that I am enough and that I love myself because no one will do that except for myself. I need to keep myself check with the validation that I shower myself every damn time that I am down. 

My soul has been long dead and I barely keep myself moving, telling myself to go and pretend that I am living when deep in side I was rotten dead. 

No saving can pull me out from this misery. I keep on saving myself but I ended up killing myself in the process too. I’ve given up a long time ago. 

With my duvet wrapped around on my body, I watched the sky while I camped out on my balcony. There are a lot of stars tonight but all I can see is the darkness that the sky brings. No matter how many stars there are, the sky is still dark.

No matter how life do good to me, I’m still dead. I’m breathing but not living. 

With a long deep breath, with the bustling sounds from the streets and the moon as the witness, I closed my eyes and succumbed myself into darkness.

The galaxy dimmed

Stilled, as it silently mourned

A bright star it was

#

end of chapter eight

A/N:

Hi! Thank you for reading The Last String! See you in my next update! Do hit the vote button if you want and comment down below your reactions (if you have) and I’ll read them all. Stay healthy, loves!