In Her Head - Collision Course

Self Worth

"What happened my child? Why did you lose your self worth again?" He asked, his voice was full of love and tenderness, he seemed to be wise and Elle appreciated it. Elle cuddled into him, "I am a terrible Mother, I cannot stop telling myself that, I was off doing unspeakable things and my Children were at home with my neighbour, she is brilliant by the way but I didn't even think to call and let her know. The man I have been seeing told her and I don't even know how he got to my house but he doesn't have children, me, I should know better than that. I have tried my best but it isn't good enough. It's never good enough!" Elle told him. She had no issues in hiding anything from him, he knew everything anyway, she knew he was still there even when she screwed up. He placed his head closer to her and she smiled, "I am afraid, I cannot trust my judgement, he will hurt me," She admitted. "Tell me my child, does this feel different to anything you have experienced before?" He asked her, "yes it does but so did the relationship with the children's father, I cannot go through that again, I don't think I will survive it," She said. "You are so strong Elle, you do not think it but it is true," he said with pride, "You have so much to give, you deserve the very best and that includes love, you have no idea how this will turn out but even you can feel it is very different to what you have known before," he added. Elle nodded, she could feel it but her fear was holding her back and the shame wasn't helping her any.

"How many times have you neglected the children?" He asked her, Elle thought she would feel sadness, guilt but all she felt was calm. "Whenever I go into my head and twice since I started this relationship," She answered honestly. "You are a wonderful person Elle. Does going into your head neglect them? Have you ever left them on their own? Did you leave them where they weren't safe? Did they ever miss out on your love?" He asked her as if he already knew the answer, "No, never, but I wasn't there if they did need me. They should have been my priority, I was selfish and thought only of myself." Elle answered. "You have to be happy too, what is so wrong in that?" He asked her, Elle didn't have to think about her response, "my children's happiness comes first, I had them and it is my responsibility to make that happen and keep it there. How can I do that by thinking of my happiness or desires?" He chuckled and Elle knew why, "okay, so I know I have to be happy and the children would be happy, but they make me happy so why would I pull that apart," she added. "Can you tell me that when the children are asleep you are truly complete?" He asked her knowingly, Elle didn't have to respond, they both knew the answer was no. "Why can't I control my desire for Peter?" She asked him, they were still in the same position, he placed his face against hers. "There are times when you find an Eternal Connection, this is someone that is the other half of you, you are truly blessed when you find it and it has happened for centuries. Not a lot of people do find it but it does mean that you are more attracted and more desired. You only want the very best for the other person and you will do all you can to make sure that is the case. For Eternal Connections, the desire is there and the pull is strong, yours will be stronger and so will he's. It is a natural thing and means you can have pure love." He told her. "Stephanie told me that but I don't think I really can believe in it" She said. "My child, tell me you don't feel it," he stated, Elle couldn't tell him, she really could feel it but they would lock her up. "Why don't you try it without fighting it?" He asked her, Elle wasn't sure if she should.

"My child, you will have to deal with the past and work out where the insecurities are coming from, you have no idea how wonderful you are. Try this relationship, I like him and I know he cares for you. Just go with your feelings, my child, it is time to wake up now, find out where you truly came from and things will fall into place. Remember, I love you always, you have known love in your life Elle." He told her. Elle didn't want to leave this comfort, she was at peace but she wanted to see her children. "I know my child, when times are tough I will always be here for you," He told her, "Can I see you before I go?" Elle asked him. All she could see still was darkness, she wanted to see him close up, "when you are ready child, you will," he promised her. Elle wondered how she would deal with her inner turmoil when she went back and she wasn't looking forward to it. She closed her eyes and drifted off like she was floating, it felt wonderful for the few moments, Elle started to feel heavy and the light was hurting her eyes even though they were closed.

Her head was pounding and she needed a drink but was unable to move. "What do you mean you don't know when she will wake up?" She could hear Peter question demandingly, "We don't know what happened, she must have been under a great deal of stress. I haven't seen anything like this before." Another voice responded.

Is that Robert? Why would my counsellor be at my place? What is Peter still doing here? Elle thought.

Elle tried to open her eyes but it was proving too difficult at the moment so she just rested. "You better find out quickly, that is the woman I love and if anything happens to her I will hold you personally responsible. Do you have any idea how bad she was after meeting you? She was devastated, she was in pieces," Peter warned him but his voice was breaking toward the end. "She has a lot to get through, we didn't actually discuss anything, not that I would say anyway but I will tell you that that we just said hello, this seems like a psychic attack but I have never seen anything like this before." Robert told him.

Urgh, I better get my eyes open. He can't blame Robert, it was my own fault I got in my head and listened to the negativity, I knew I was having an episode of some kind, ooh, did he just say he loved me? Nah, that would be silly. Elle thought.

Elle tried, she let out a groan and Peter rushed over to her, he stroked her face, "Sweet, how are you feeling?" He asked, Elle was in no position to answer him but her throat was so dry and she started coughing, her eyes were watering with the brightness. Robert walked over with a glass of water and handed it to Peter, Peter helped her sit up then held the glass to Elles lips so she could sip it. Elle took a sip and swirled some in her mouth to hydrate it a little. After taking another sip she managed to pull herself back a little to remain sitting on the bed. Her hand was hurting a little, she looked and realised she had a cannula in, she was on a drip. This wasn't her room, she was on a King Size bed and she realised she was at Belindas in Peter's old room, her heart was beating faster, she was hooked up to a heart rate monitor.

How on earth did they get all this stuff in here? Wait! How the hell did they get me in here? Elle thought.

"Relax Sweet, it's okay, we brought you here yesterday when you fainted," Peter told her, her heart was racing now and she wondered where Emily and Michael were. "The children are okay Elle, Nancy is looking after them with Belinda and Frank. They are wonderful children Elle, I didn't realise you was pregnant with Michael," Robert said. Elle didn't want to say anything in front of Peter but she remembered what Old Friend told her. "I wasn't pregnant with Michael then, I moved the day it happened," she admitted, her eyes looking down as she told him. Peter wrapped her in a hug, she let him, she didn't need it to be honest but she felt safe in his arms, this was more for him than her and she knew it. "Elle, I am so sorry, I didn't know. I contacted the police and they wouldn't tell me anything," Robert said to her. "It's okay," Elle told him, she was possibly also saying it to Peter. "Peter could you leave us for a little while?" Robert asked him. Peter looked at Elle, she nodded. "Michael?" Peter asked her, "will never know, this is not his fault nor was it his decision, he is precious and will never know if I have anything to do with it," Elle told him. Peter kissed her forehead and let her know he would be downstairs then he left the room.

"I am so sorry Elle, it makes sense now," he said softly. "Do you see it or relive it when you look at Michael?" he asked her, Elle shook her head no. "Never, Michaels eyes have life, he is a child with no knowledge of it, I want it kept that way. He grew in my womb, he came from me and only knows love." Elle told him honestly, she had relived it, but not looking at Michael, never when she looked at him. "I don't want to discuss it, I am blessed with two beautiful children." She told him, the warning was there in her tone, he wouldn't push the subject. "Elle, how would you feel about having some intense sessions over the next couple of weeks. We cannot have a stress burnout like this again and you internalise a lot, we have to find a way forward." He told her, "as long as it has nothing to do with former army personnel," Elle laughed. Robert looked at her questioningly, "I had a trust building exercise day with Peter when I started at Skeel, it was intense but highly amusing," She explained. Robert walked round to sit in the chair that was beside the bed and sat down, "Elle, I have to say, given what has just happened you are surprisingly in good spirits," Robert said as if he was having none of it. "I spent time in my calming place, my mind's way of processing things, it gives me someone to talk to and make sense of some stuff." She told him, "No, I won't be expanding on that," she added quickly and he just smiled at her. "That is fine Elle, I won't pry. I would like to start tomorrow," he told her. Elle nodded, she didn't think he would let her worm her way out of it and she needed to get it out, she didn't like the idea of opening Pandora's box but she had to if she wanted to move forward.

"Can we get this stuff off of me so I can see the kids? Are they okay?" She asked. "I will send the nurse in to take them out, the children are fine Elle, they were playing, guard the castle, when I saw them a little while ago, that was smart by the way," he told her, he was smiling a little. Only Elle knew the true meaning of, guard the castle, it seems Robert worked it out very quickly. Elle was happier but her mind was working overtime on how she was going to explain this to the children. Elle had already acknowledged that she needed help because this couldn't happen again, Emily and Michael must've been scared out of their minds, she was thankful Nancy was there. She would protect the children's emotional health at all costs, they wouldn't grow up fearing to speak their mind or having to internalise, Nancy knew this and she was good with them at least they had someone they could talk to. The nurse came in and smiled at Elle, she worked quickly to remove everything from Elle once she had taken Elles blood pressure. "Thank you," Elle said to her when she finished, the nurse smiled at her and left her alone in the room. Elle blushed when she thought of the last time she was in this room, she tried to get out of the bed. Elle was a little stiff from laying in the same position for a long period so she took her time.

She realised she was in a hospital type gown and nothing else, she decided to stay sitting on the bed as she had no idea if she had any clothes here. There was a knock on the door, Elle could smell it was Peter, she had no idea how but she could, it was like her senses were heightened.

Maybe it is to do with the adrenaline or something, I wonder how Mark is? Elle thought.

Elle found it strange that her thoughts went to Mark, she hadn't really thought of him in a few months but then, she had been busy but it was strange that he hadn't updated his social media profiles, they could go a long time without talking but he always updated them. Elle heard the knock at the door, "Come in," she called out, Peter walked in with Nancy. Nancy rushed over to Elle and almost jumped in the bed with her. "I love you too Nancy," Elle said strained as she could barely speak with Nancy squeezing the life out of her. "Sorry my darling, you had me so worried," Nancy said as she released Elle from her hug and sitting back wiping her face. Nancy sat on the chair by the bed and grasped Elles hand, "I am feeling a bit better Nancy, I promise." Elle told her, Peter walked into the room fully to sit on the sofa.

Blimey, the sofa, Elle thought and she blushed a little.

Peter must've realised what Elle was thinking, he blushed too and smiled wide. "I brought some clothes with us, Peter put them away, the kids are fine honey, they were told that you hadn't eaten enough and needed some rest. They went to School today, Billy drove us and they are just back, I told them to have a bit of a play before I brought them up to you." Nancy told her trying to rush it all out. Elle smiled at Nancy, "I love you Nancy, thank you. We are blessed having you around, I am feeling okay at the moment and I am regretting letting it build up, I should have taken better care of my mind instead of having this bloody episode," Elle admitted. "Peter, where did you put my clothes?" Elle asked bashfully, "I put them in the walk in wardrobe Sweet." Peter told her, Elle nodded, "I am going to head down and see the kids and apologise to your parents Peter, we have leaned on you all so much and this should never have happened," Elle stated, she was taking charge now. Peter looked astounded, Nancy chuckled, she has seen Elle do this once before. Everything became too much for her and one morning she woke up and bounced all over the place taking control of it, it was then Nancy pushed her to go for more voluntary work, a little something for herself, it was a few days a month and when Michael started School she increased it to a few days per week. "Right, out you. We are going to get ready," Nancy told Peter as she got up. Poor Peter had no idea if he was coming or going and Nancy started laughing, "Go with it Peter, out you get," she told him while she pushed him towards the door. Peter walked out the door, his mouth was still open, "Old Friend," Nancy whispered winking at him. He had no idea if it was even possible for the Ancient to have talked to Elle while she was out for the count, but, he wouldn't put it past him.

Nancy walked to the bathroom and started up the shower ready for Elle. She spotted Elle walking into the closet area and let out a sigh of relief, at least she was walking unaided. Nancy smiled, the Ancient had sent Nancy when Elle was struggling previously, Nancy had never seen anyone so broken and Nancy had just lost her Eternal Connection so that was saying something. Nancy was angry that this was allowed to happen to Elle, Elle was such a gem, Nancy could tell as soon as she met her, Nancy loved Elle like she was her own child but at this moment, she appreciated the Ancient. Nancy made the bed for Elle and went to get some more water and a coffee for her. Elle was under the shower, she had a lot to discuss with Peter, if he wanted to walk away then that was fine but if he didn't then maybe this forever eternal thing might have some substance to it. She wanted to get sorted and get out of Belinda and Franks hair, she would also need to discuss her future with Skeel, it was important for her to take time out to help herself. 

Old Friend told me to find out where I truly came from. I need to check the adoption records and find out my past, I think it's time to speak to my not so parents. She thought.

Elle finished up then got ready quickly, she wanted to grab the bull by the horns while she had the gusto. The next few weeks would be rough on her, she knew that but she also knew that Nancy loved her, Peter and his family cared about her and she had Old Friend to help her also.

I will get through this, I know I will, Elle emphasised to herself.

Elle stepped out of the bathroom with a new feeling of self worth, her mindset was different and she felt it now. When she walked back into the room, Nancy was standing there with a mug of coffee and a bottle of water, Elle was thirsty and the water was the first thing that Nancy handed her. Elle smiled, "Nancy, I love you," Elle told her, "I love you too my darling," she replied placing Elles coffee on the table and Elle took a long drink of the water. Elle put the now empty bottle on the table, grabbed the mug of coffee and walked over to sit next to Nancy on the sofa. "Thank you Nancy for everything and I truly mean that, I love you Nancy you have been the Mother I have never known, I want to tell you first. I am going to see if I can work from home or if I need to hand in my notice, I will have some intensive therapy to see if it can help me and I have a past I need to confront. I will also look into my true parentage to find out where I came from." Elle told her, Nancy had tears in her eyes, "honey, I see you like you are my own Daughter and I am so proud of you," Nancy told her, Elle put her mug on the table and cuddled Nancy. "I have adoptive parents that raised me and I know I told you they weren't around anymore, I wanted to tell you but I wasn't able to and I am sorry for misleading you. At the time they weren't around me, I know that they are still alive and I haven't seen them since I was 16 when I found my belongings on the doorstep. They weren't great parents, they had a baby when I was six years old and told me I had to behave or they would get rid of me." She admitted to Nancy, Nancy was looking at Elle and tears were streaming down her face, "I'm sorry I misled you Nancy, I wanted to just forget about that part of my life and I wrote them out of it without acknowledging what it was doing to me," Elle continued, she completely regretted misleading her but Elle was previously unable to trust anyone, even Mark. "I would have taken you in and treated you right in a heartbeat my darling," Nancy told her honestly. "I know Nancy but I have found you now and for that I am blessed because I can appreciate you, I can appreciate knowing that I never had that," Elle replied. Elle was crying with Nancy and they were hugging, never wanting to let go.

After a while they cleaned their faces and they went downstairs where Elle could see the children. The children screamed when they saw her, Emily and Michael rushed to her for cuddles. They held each other for such a long time, "I am so sorry I worried you both," Elle told them, "Mummy, you must eat properly at work," Emily said sternly. "I have learned my lesson but I was so tired too, thank you for letting me rest when I needed to, I think you two deserve a big treat at the weekend," Elle told them. Their faces lit up and they started jumping around, Elle let them go and told them to have a play. They were happy and Elle realised that her having her own life really wasn't interfering with their happiness, she still needed to make lots of time for them but they always had Elles love and compassion, it showed. Elle seemed to be feeling better by the second, she was not questioning where this mindset came from, she knew Old Friend was within her and she could feel the strength. Elle walked over to Belinda, Frank, Peter, Robert and now Nancy, she took a deep breath, this was going to be tough.

They all smiled and welcomed her, Peter jumped up to pull a chair out for her to sit down. Elle kissed his cheek before she sat down. Elle smiled at everyone, "I am sorry I worried you all and thank you for everything," Elle said to them all. They all made out like it was nothing and told her not to apologise. "I have a lot to tell you," Elle said, Robert nodded and smiled, he was hoping she went all out as she needed to stop being closed off. Everyone waited, Nancy was worried that Frank and Peter wouldn't be able to control their anger so she shot them sharp looks and they swallowed hard, they looked to each other and the message was clear, this wasn't going to be nice.

"As a baby I was adopted to a childless couple, I have no knowledge of who my real parents are but I do intend to find out. I was 6 years old when my adoptive parents had a baby, my Mother told me I was adopted and I learned to keep quiet or they would have gotten rid of me. I turned sixteen and had an appointment, when I returned my belongings were on the doorstep, I had some money and bought a place that was my own. I have decided to confront them for my own peace of mind. Their Daughter made contact with me when she turned 16, I should have known better but I wanted to have family so I allowed her to walk all over me, she was a bright child and she obviously learned a great deal from watching my parents, my adoptive parents." Elle told them, they looked shocked, Belinda was struggling to keep her emotions in check and Nancy grabbed her hand. "You are home now honey," Belinda told Elle, her voice was cracked and a few tears trickled down her cheeks. "I am sorry to put this on you all and make you sad, it's not my intention, I have grown to care for you all, I want you to know that and I don't want you to feel sorry for me but maybe you will understand how much I have to get through. I need to discuss work with you all and I know I have only been with you for a little over four months but I do need to take time to get some things sorted over the next couple of weeks." Elle confessed.

"Matt and I will take care of work Sweet, just concentrate on you," Peter said after a long silence. Peter grabbed her hand and kissed it, Elle squeezed his hand affectionately and thanked him with her eyes. "I would like if possible to work from home, I will take a pay cut and I hope for it to only take a week, two tops but I will resign if it is needed. I don't expect you to pay staff who are not there." Elle told them. "No way!" Frank exclaimed, everyone jumped and looked at him. "Sweetheart, you are not resigning, you are not taking a pay cut and you don't have to work from home, you can let Peter do some work for a change, you can work from home if you truly want to but you do not have to and that is the final word on it," Frank said, he was having none of it and Elle looked to Robert, he was smiling at Frank. Elle looked at everyone around the table, Nancy was smiling at Frank with thanks, Belinda was staring at Frank with love, she was still teary eyed but they weren't as bad as she was, it seemed once Nancy had grabbed her hand she calmed down. Peter was looking at his Father in awe, you could tell he idolised Frank and given the way Frank treated Belinda, Elle thought Peter would be considerate to her. "I am so very proud of you Elle, you have taken the biggest step," Robert told her.

Elle smiled, "I cannot thank each of you enough for all you have done for me, I will head home shortly with the kids, we ca.." Elle started, "No you will not," Belinda interrupted firmly, "I won't have you heading home at the moment, you will stay here with us until after the weekend, the children have the run of the place and we can keep an eye on you. We have conferencing facilities here, if you were to need them, then you have access." She added, Elle was open mouthed, there would be no getting through to Belinda and Peter had his head down and he seemed to be laughing, Frank was doing the same thing as Peter. "I am also here this week and we can make sure things are okay, the nurse will also be here this week just in case. I know you feel okay now but you had passed out from whatever it was that was going on, I would feel better knowing you are here Elle," Robert told her. "I appreciate it but I really don't want to impose," Elle tried to argue. Belinda was shaking her head with her lips pouted, Elle sighed and everyone else laughed, they knew Belinda well enough to know she won the battle.

Billy would be bringing Stephanie and the dogs back from the office soon, Elle was looking forward to seeing them. They talked around the table for a while when Elle told Nancy that Mark popped into her thoughts, Nancy told her to get in contact. Elles random thoughts weren't always so random, she could think of someone and then see them or whoever she was thinking of wouldn't be feeling well. Elles thoughts were normally leading to other thoughts but random ones she always talked with Nancy about. Nancy and Belinda decided to stretch their legs, Elle excused herself to go and get in contact with Mark, she tried calling him but there was no answer, so she sent him an email.