In Her Head - Collision Course

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The dogs had stayed with Frank and Belinda, they really had taken to them and Elle had some tears on the way home, she may have to talk to Frank and Belinda to see what would happen. Peter gave Elle a lingering kiss while the kids were playing with the dogs, it was a longing kiss and Elle was aroused, he could smell her and it almost sent him crazy. An idea formed but he wasn't sure if Elle would go for it, he would buy her a gift during the week and see how she reacted.

By the time they arrived home, everyone was exhausted. Nancy went straight into her place and Elle took the kids in for their bath, bedtime story and then she put them to bed. Once she was on her own, her thoughts went to what she and Peter had gotten up to on the Saturday. Elle wanted him so badly she was unable to comprehend anything else but the desire and the strong need to satisfy it, the thoughts made her face crimson. Elle was still unable to comprehend what happened, the only thing that did make sense was that she had hazed, but, she had never heard of it before so she still felt like she had thrown herself at him and let everyone down.

Elle took herself in for a bath and got ready for bed, she started to worry about what they would all say about her and if she had lost their respect, she was losing it for herself. Elle was struggling to sleep, her anxiety was eating away at her, she was worried about what would happen in the morning with the counsellor and was trying to dissect what happened over the weekend. She couldn't work it out and it was starting to give her a little headache so she focused on the Sunday canoeing with the kids was fun and seeing Belinda push Peter in the water was hilarious. That was until she had that realisation of how she allowed people to treat her, she allowed them to normalise their behaviour. Elle flashed back to what had been said to her previously and it had then made her question everything.

You are so sensitive Elle, nobody else would take offense.

No you picked me up wrong, I didn't say that.

It was a joke, why do you always take things so seriously?

Why do you always overreact?

Why are you talking like that?

You are too uptight.

The way you talk to people is disgusting, no wonder you have no friends.

Your Sister told me all about you and how you are no good.

Your husband tells me you don't like housework.

Even your own family didn't want you.

Well he likes me, you're too fat for his liking.

Oh, he asked me out and I rejected him, why would he ask you?

You have trouble understanding people.

At 12am Elles mobile flashed, thinking it was a marketing email Elle decided she may as well look. It was a text message and she smiled when she read it.

Knowing you are not close by is causing me to lose sleep, can't wait to see you, P x.

He can't have lost respect for me, he is messaging. What if he is just doing that to get me to do the deed with him again? Why would he? He could have anyone he wanted, half the women in the office wanted him so why would he bother messaging? Well he did say it wasn't a fling! What if he is the real deal? Oh pack it in, happy endings are for fairytales, be realistic! Elle argued

Elle was in two minds whether to respond but decided she would, she was drawn to him and wanted to see where this leads. She wouldn't invest herself fully until she knew for certain he wasn't going to hurt her but messaging couldn't hurt. Elle smiled, at least he wasn't ghosting her or whatever they called it, he could've felt like she was hard work and walked away, surely there was something there.

Try to get to sleep, I will see you tomorrow, E x

P   Why are you still up? x

E   I am in bed, just about to doze off. x

P   Did I wake you? Sorry x. I had a great time at the weekend, thank you x

Elle bushed, she wasn't sure how to respond, she wanted to forget about their tryst and start again going slow. A thought popped into her head so she typed quickly.

E   I wasn’t asleep, I had a great time too, the kids loved it, thank you. Sorry again about Saturday and thank you for agreeing to go slow x.

Her heart was beating faster and she held her breath wondering if he would respond.

P   We will go slow Sweet, I promise you x. Things will develop but I would never force you into something you weren't comfortable with x. 

E   Thank you x. How are the dogs?

P   They are really well behaved but seem to be missing you all x. 

E   Okay, I will talk to your Mum and find out what to do for the best, I didn't want to bring them where they had no freedom but I might have to look at it again x.

P   Get some sleep Sweet, I will see you tomorrow, sweet dreams xx.

E   You too and thanks again for the weekend x.

Elle was smiling but she would definitely need to talk to Belinda about the dogs, it wasn't fair that she had them but she did seem rather fond of them. Elle was dreading tomorrow.

What if throwing myself at Peter was part of my mental health trouble? What if I have one of those personality disorders? Pack it in! You cannot possibly know what is going on so get some sleep and find out once you speak to the counsellor! Gonna have to tell him about this too, Elle was arguing with herself again.

Elle fell to sleep and when she woke at 4am she was breathing heavy, her heart was racing and she was sensitive down below. Her underwear was saturated and she felt as if she had just orgasmed, she could remember the dream and it was of Peter doing indescribable things to her, she must have m*********d in her sleep. Elle was tired, she normally didn't rise for another hour and a half, so she went to clean herself up and got back into bed to see if she could get a little more sleep. Elle woke feeling fresher than she had over an hour ago and she realised that she must have needed that release, being around Peter might prove more difficult than she imagined.

Elle made it into the office by 7.45am as she wanted to see the counsellor before everyone else got in. Belinda was true to her word and he was there. "Good morning darling, this is our new counsellor Robert," Belinda said to her, when Belinda moved out of the way Elles heart started beating faster and she paled as the blood was draining from her head, the room was starting to spin a little. This was the counsellor she had seen before, he was the one who realised Elle was going through Domestic Violence, he refused to let her go home without a police escort and had them take a statement from her. He testified in court for her, he was adamant that her husband was a danger to her, it took her a while to realise how much of a danger he actually was. Elles hairdresser asked Elle to think about counselling, she had seen Elles behaviour after taking a call from her husband when she asked if she could get her hair cut shorter than normal. He went to the hairdressers off of his own back after Elle had told him she was there because the hairdresser said it might be good for her to talk with someone, he had the hairdresser also testify for Elle. The whole thing was surreal, all Elle could do was go through the motions like a robot so she wouldn't fall apart, normally the counsellor has to take you off the books after a certain number of sessions but he refused and battled hard in her corner. She didn't have as long as was needed and she needed long term talking therapy that wasn't available on the health service.

"Good morning Elle, Belinda has asked that we speak, I am Robert Greig, my client and what is said is fully confidential," he assured her. "Shall we head to your office?" He asked her, Elle felt a little better that he hadn't told Belinda anything, she would think Elle was weak and stupid. Elle nodded and led the way as she released her breath. Elle had the stinging of tears in her eyes, she wasn't sure how she would get through this. Elle could still remember how she broke down in his office, it wasn't nice and he refused to let her go home on her own. They finished up the sessions as she moved quickly and was told not to tell anyone, she felt a little safer once she moved. Elle was trying to open the office door as the cleaning staff locked them every night, she was shaking and struggled with the keys. "Elle, it's okay, relax, use your breathing and know everything is okay. It shocked me seeing you too but I am pleased I have, you look so well," he said softly. Elle finally opened the door, she held it open for Robert and motioned to the sofa, when he went to sit down she closed the office door and sat opposite him. "I am sorry, I just panicked and it is really good to see you," Elle rushed out. Peter leaned forward slightly, "Elle, please don't apologise and relax. It is my first day so let me start by saying again. My clients and what we discuss are confidential, no details are provided, the only things I will put forward are things that can help you in the workplace, if, and only if, they are needed." Robert told her, Elle was smiling now, it wasn't a bright smile but it was a little less worried. "Well this is strange, I wasn't sure I would see you again. Like I said, I am really pleased I have, we won't go into details today, I have my own office a few streets away so we can meet there next time if we need to," Robert told her. 

How am I supposed to tell him this, he might think he's failed, holy s**t, what do I do? What if he wants me to go to hospital? Elle, what have you done! Elle bounded.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked her softly, Elle smiled but her tears spilled, "it's a mess, everything is a mess, I can't think straight, I am imagining things that aren't possible and to top it off I started a relationship and I threw myself at him. Everyone must think I am mad and I wouldn't blame them, I question everything and they are all going to think I am too needy," Elle responded and the tears were flowing, Elle reached into her bag to get some tissues and when she found them she dried her face and eyes as she tried to compose herself. Robert seemed to think for a moment before responding, "Okay Elle, imagining things isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it is our minds' way of processing things. I do want to go through this with you but now isn't the right time, you still seem to be doubting yourself so I want to work with you on that, timing for relationships after trauma will never be right but I am proud of you for taking that step and you are far from needy. I have heard the way Belinda talks about you and she has a great respect for you. She told me the things you have done to help the company and that is how you got your promotion. How about we do weekly sessions to start and see how we go, I know it's unconventional but how about we do a couple of hours for the first session to catch up and we can go into detail a little more about what has been going on recently. After that we will do 1 hour sessions." He told her.

I forgot he loves the sound of his own voice, at least I know I won't be doing all the talking.

Elle nodded and they made arrangements to meet on Wednesday of this week at his office and they would meet on Wednesdays after, Elle opted for the afternoons as she really wanted to head home after as she remembered they left her depleted. Robert left the office after trying to cheer her up with what he had been up to and Elle wasn't so withdrawn by the time he left this office, he told her he knew the way out. Elle breathed a sigh of relief once she closed the door and then she went to sit at her desk, putting her head in her hands, the tears streamed and she had no control over them. Elle wasn't just struggling with what had gone on recently, she was struggling with everything in her life and she was crumbling under the weight of it all. Her anxiety was proof that she was still carrying everything with her but she hadn't seen it. How could she fake being so confident, she was broken and she felt that every day.

Who am I kidding, I am not worthy of this job or a relationship when I am so empty. I have nothing to give and cannot fake this for too long! But Robert said Belinda told him of my accomplishments that led to the promotion. He cannot lie, I know he is legally bound, so I must've deserved it. Okay the job I can do, but, what about the rest of it? Elle batted all this round in her head to try and make some sense.

Elle was still crying but she was so drained, Elle got some tissues but her eyes were red and puffy. Elle couldn't keep on and she had to block off from everything in her head, Elle blocked herself from feeling. Elle has no idea how she can do it, she calls it her compartmentalisation as she would just close off from it and she would function like a robot until she was in the confines of her own room where she could let the floodgates open. She needed to clean up and get to work, she would throw herself into it today in the hope of keeping busy until she could relax a little. Elle heard a knock at her door, she hurried to clean up before they came in but she heard the door open and saw the shock on Peter's face, his jaw started pulsing, "what happened?" Peter asked through gritted teeth and Elle paled, she started trembling. 

I am supposed to be Acting Director, I shouldn't be in this state. No wonder he is mad, he's probably just realised I am broken and not fit for the job or him, Elle said internally.

"I'm sorry Peter, some things came up and I was a bit of a soppy cow," she hurried out. Peter's face completely changed and softened, "Why are you apologising?" he asked, "you are angry at me not being able to control my emotions and I understand, I will be cleaned up in a minute, I am sorry, it won't happen again," Elle replied. Peter walked in and closed the door, locking it.

Oh s**t, I need to get out of here, Elle thought.

Peter must've noticed the fear on her face and he sat down on the sofa. "Elle, I was angry because I thought someone hurt you, not because of your emotions, we all have them Sweet," Peter told her. Elle sank back into the chair behind her desk, "oh," was all she could say, she had read that wrong and thought he was angry at her. "Come," he said to her, she went over to him banging her hip into the desk as she walked round it. "Did you just see the counsellor?" He asked her just remembering she was meeting with him this morning, Elle nodded and he held his arms open to let her know he would comfort her. Elle cuddled into him and he wrapped his arms around her, Elle didn't realise how badly she needed the hug and she was thankful. She had stopped trembling and the last couple of tears fell from her eyes. "My love, I know you have probably been through a lot but you have to know, you are the strongest person I have ever met, you can open up to me if you ever want to. Please don't ever be afraid of me, I promise I will never hurt you," Peter told her. They stayed there for 10 minutes and Peter told Elle to take a while, he was going to sort his meeting out and would be back in a bit. He kissed her forehead, "you are amazing Elle," he told her as he left her office. Elle got her eye drops out of her bag to take the red and puffiness away, she blew her nose, used the eye drops and fixed her make-up.

Elle logged on and checked her mail when Peter walked back into her office holding two caramel lattes. Elle smiled at him knowing she looked much better, and he closed the door walking round her desk, he gave her a peck on the cheek, Elle touched his cheek tenderly as he did, she appreciated him. "Sweet I can take you home right now if you need and I have cleared both of our diaries for the day, I am here for you if you want but if you want to be alone that is good too," Peter told her as he leaned on the desk beside her. Elle wondered how she got so lucky, this incredible man was here with her wanting to go through this with her, Elle wouldn't let him but it was nice for her to know. "You didn't have to Peter but I appreciate it. I am feeling better, it is just the past.." Elle trailed off and she wasn't sure how to explain it to him, she didn't want to open up to him about that, she didn't want him to see her as weak and still broken. They got up and went to sit at the sofas cuddling and drinking their caramel lattes, they stayed that way for well over an hour before Elle decided to get on with work today, she felt calmer and it was possibly because Peter kept pointing out all her strong qualities. 

Elle got started on her statement for when her position was announced. As she sat back and read through it she could see that it was unquestionable, it was transparent enough to ensure no negativity could be directed towards it. Elle was pleased with how it turned out, she sent it to Frank and Peter to sign off before she would forward it to Matt. In her inbox was an email from Toyah, she had prepared a bio for Elle that listed her accomplishments and qualities, it was all factual and Elle could see it for herself. Nothing was embellished or inflated, it was pure fact and made Elle sit up and realise all she had done in her past led to this position, Elle could see in black and white how experienced she was for this role. She okayed it and CCd it to Frank, Peter and Matt. Elle had left her door open so that she wasn't alone with her thoughts. She was feeling a little low and didn't want to get emotional again.

Elle sent off her email responses that were needed and blocked the time needed for her time with Robert on Wednesday, she titled it as contact so nobody would know, in the description was "uncontactable," she had seen Peter do this on a few occasions when he had medical appointments. "Hey honey, we thought we would come and see you," Elle heard Belinda say, Elle smiled then looked up to see Belinda but there was nobody with her, then, Elle noticed the flash of grey coming round the desk and her smile widened. Xena put her front paws on Elle to lick her face then she rested her forehead against Elle, Elle put her arms around her to cuddle her and Xena's tail was wagging. "Hello girl, I missed you," Elle said, pecking Xena's head. Xena sat down and pushed her snout under Elles hand and rested her head on Elles legs, Elle was stroking her. "Belinda, thank you!" Elle said, she really didn't realise how much she needed to see Xena, she missed her more than she realised. Belinda came to sit opposite Elle, "How are you doing honey?" Belinda asked her, "I feel much better now, not so empty. Sometimes I completely shut down when I am overwhelmed," Elle admitted, Belinda had concern etched on her face, "I am okay though, it just helps me get through, the counsellor I met today, I have seen him before when I had all that crap with the Children's father." Elle added, she wanted Belinda to know that she wouldn't normally be so bad. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing my darling?" Belinda asked her leaning forward to rest her elbows on the desk and her face on her hands, Elle took a deep breath. "Robert was the one I opened up to about what was going on in my marriage and things, I wouldn't say it is a bad thing but I think maybe.. ..Well, I moved before I think we should have finished, he had said I needed something long term and the health service wouldn't provide it, he kept me on longer than he should have but.." Elle trailed off leaning back on the office chair. Belinda sat in silence with Elle for a moment.

"Honey, you have access to him for as long as you need," Belinda assured her, Elle nodded, "I have an appointment on Wednesday, it is a bit of a longer one and I made it for 3pm so I at least don't miss too much time at work, every appointment after that is for one hour, that will be on Wednesday also but they will be at 4pm," Elle explained. Belinda thought for a moment, "how do you normally feel after the appointments?" She asked Elle, Elle shuddered, the last ones hadn't been great and she was always left in a bad way, Emily was younger then and she knew that she wouldn't remember it but Elle didn't want to put any more on Nancy than she already had. "Okay, that settles it. You are not to come in on Wednesdays, it is our quietest day and we have it covered, I will give Robert a call and have your appointments moved to the morning then you have time before the children get back from School. Elle, this isn't up for argument. My best friend had to see someone and it left her in an awful state," Belinda told her. Elle was worried, this was interfering with her work and she didn't want it to. "Honey, how about we do this until things are easier in the sessions?" Belinda added. Elle groaned and leaned forward to put her head in her hands, "Belinda, this is too much. I cannot put this on you all, it is eating into company time and it isn't good, I cannot be taking time off willy nilly to try and sort something I probably should have sorted years ago," Elle said. "Now you listen up, you are our most dedicated member of staff, you will take this time because if it was anyone else sitting in that chair then we would need two of them to do what you do each week. You are going to take the time because we need you, not anyone else that would only be able to do half of what you do," Belinda said sharply and Elle snapped her head up. 

I think I just pissed her off, oh s**t, I am in trouble now, Elle thought, she was worried now.

"Why do you have so much trouble accepting help?" Belinda asked her, her tone was a little softer now, Elle lowered her eyes. "Always had it thrown back in your face, huh?" Belinda said, Elle looked at Belinda in shock and the tears were threatening to spill, Belinda reached for Elles hands and she grasped them within her own. "I would never, not in a million years, throw something back in someone's face, ever. I would never talk about someone behind their back either, when you are a part of this family, we have your back, woe and behold behold anyone that tries to say something against you. Elle, we love you honey, like you are our own, you take the help my darling, you have given us more than you realise," Belinda told her, the tears spilled, they were silent but Elles tear stained face looked baffled. "Elle, you have looked after the staff here and helped them immensely, you have seen skills that we have failed to spot, it has made for a better working environment and we have less staff taking sick leave. The external relations we have, thanks to you, are strong and foundations have been laid for further beneficial relations. This weekend, the other children were much better behaved thanks to the way you have raised Emily and Michael, you have done an amazing job with them, you lit up the garden with your personality and we have another three new additions to the family, we can trust you Elle, you have proved it time and time again. You cannot buy honesty and integrity Elle yet you give it freely without conditions. Frank and I are smiling so much more now and that is thanks to you. I wish you could see yourself through all of our eyes." Belinda told her trying to convince her of her worth. Belinda was teary also, it felt like a special moment for them both and Elle felt warm. Elle nodded, she kissed Belinda's hand, "thank you," Elle said horsley. They broke their grasp on each other's hands and started to wipe the tears from their faces. Xena pushed closer to Elle and comforted her, after a few minutes both women were more composed.

"So my darling, do we have a deal?" Belinda asked, Elle laughed a little and nodded, her eyes were stinging but she was composed. "Okay, I am going to bring Xena and the pups in every day, she knows the way to your office now and I think we will give her a title," Belinda told her, Elle was shocked but Xena seemed to like the idea, she had run around to Belinda wagging her tail and licking her face. Belinda laughed and Elle joined in, she was happy, she would see them every day, well almost every day. "How about Executive Suites Security Manager?" Belinda asked and Xena was doing what looked like her happy dance on the floor. Elle smiled, she was happy and more relaxed, it felt strange after her turmoil but she couldn't deny it was there. "Belinda, I am not comfortable about taking a full day each week," Elle said once she had found her voice, Belinda looked at her and she was about to argue but Elle held up her hand, "I appreciate everything you have just said to me, you have no idea how much it was appreciated, I wonder if we can do it as annual leave for the next couple of Wednesdays and then we can look at it again," Elle suggested hopefully, she would never take advantage and she didn't want to resign. Belinda thought for a moment and got up from her chair, to Elle, Belinda's face looked mischievous and Elle raised her brow waiting for it. "Well we will do annual leave for this Wednesday and work from home thereafter until you are ready, the team will be told that you are only to be contacted if they cannot deal with it," Belinda said smiling and Elle groaned. "Urgh!" Elle moaned knowing this was one battle she wasn't going to win, Xena let out a snort and rolled on the floor making Belinda and Elle laugh. "See, she agrees," Belinda said pointing to Xena and Xena snorted again. Belinda walked to the door, she looked out, "Stephanie honey, can you get us some coffees please?" Elle heard her ask and with that Belinda walked in to sit on the sofa, Elle took that as her cue and went to join her.

"Erm, Belinda where are the pups?" Elle asked, she only just realised and Xena let off a groan as if she was trying to talk, her eyes looked as though they were exasperated. Belinda laughed, "they are causing a ruckus at the photocopier," Belinda replied and laughed louder. Xena groaned again and lay down on the floor with a heavy sigh. Elle could imagine what they were up to so she decided to get up to go and have a look. Elle struggled to hold her laughter in, she could see them jumping up every time the paper was coming out of it to land in the tray. Once it stopped they were growling at each other and rolling around the floor until one of the assistants put it back on. Elle walked closer to them, "ahem," she cleared her throat, they ran to her while tripping over themselves and any office staff that were around almost fell over themselves laughing. The pups jumped up at Elles leg so she picked them up and made her way towards her office while the pups licked her face. Elle closed the door when she was back at her office and Xena let off a small growl of warning to them, they stopped instantly and Elle put them on the floor where they walked over to Xena with their heads low and sat beside her.

Belinda and Elle had a chat about the business, Emily and Michael, home life and future plans. Elle was honest with Belinda, she was focusing on one step at a time, she needed to do that first before she could think of anything else. Belinda nodded in agreement, she invited Elle to their place for the weekend again, the children would love it but Elle didn't want to have Belinda think she was imposing. "Belinda, all you would let me bring at the weekend was coleslaw, you wouldn't let me help clean up or anything," Elle explained because she felt she needed to pull her weight. "Elle, I have staff for all that and if they were to see you doing it they would think their job was on the line," Belinda told her but Elle was still weary, she didn't want Belinda to feel sorry for her. "Honey, have a think about it and let me know, but come on Friday and stop until Sunday. You can head home with us and I will get Billy to pick up Nancy and the children," Belinda told her as she got up and made her way back to her office.

Elle was struggling with today, she did believe Belinda but Elle still had her guard up. Elle was seeing a lot of her acheivements and abilities. When Toyah had sent up her bio, seeing gave her a sense of pride, Elle was becoming aware of her capability and was finding that she had more than she ever acknowledged. Elle felt better, not great but better than she had done and she continued on with her day. Peter told her he had to pop out but he would come and see her before just before 5pm, Elle smiled as she had enjoyed the time she had with him earlier.