Angel On Fire

Chapter one

Song for this chapter: Feel something - Bea Miller

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I sat at my window, looking out at what felt like nothingness to me. I still tried to feel something. As used to the nothingness I was and as old as I was. I still tried. I had never been able to feel things, even as a child. My mom thought that I was maybe a sociopath when I was growing up and I told her all these things, but I wasn't a bad person. I didn't do bad things. I always had this urge to make people feel good about themselves, because I didn't want anybody to feel as empty and as lost as I felt. That was not sociopathic. We then drew that out of the question completely. Then we moved onto dissociative personality disorder, but nothing helped. No amounts of medical attention, or medication. I stopped seeing a therapist as it was impossible to explain, since I couldn't even explain it to myself. I had never experienced anything traumatic that I could think of and I could remember my childhood as clear as day. Everyone around me thought that that was weird. I remembered things from when I was two years old. The weirdest thing that never sat right with me was that I remembered how I was born. I remembered falling through a dark tunnel and screaming, looking for something to desperately grip onto. And then I was in the arms of a man I didn't know. I remembered then being put into the arms of a woman I didn't know, but I somehow just knew that she was my mother. Nobody could make sense of it. Not even I could. My mom said that it was possible that I was going through a spiritual awakening, but what I wanted to know was how long did it take until I was spiritually woke and I finally knew what the f**k was wrong with me?

I decided that there was nothing else I could do, but just make it my life. I had to pretend that I was okay with not knowing who I was and why I was this way to the point that I actually became okay with it. I still dreaded going to sleep every night knowing that I would have to wake up the next day and go through the same feeling every single day, but I lived with it and I had no other choice.

"Yo." My dad's voice boomed as he opened my door. I turned my head and smiled at him. I loved my dad, but another thing that I could never do was form attachments to people. I cared for them and I felt love for them, but I knew that I'd be perfectly okay without them. It was then that I knew something was indeed horribly wrong with me.

"What's up?" I stood up from staring into the pits of despair.

"Eloise is here for you." Eloise was my best friend. She had been since I was in middle school. She was the only friend that I had that didn't think I was crazy when I spoke of the things I spoke of. She was a deeply spiritual being and she believed that it was also some type of spiritual awakening. I didn't think anything of it. No matter what I believed in, nothing changed. I chose to just live with it. There was absolutely nothing I could do and I had to accept it.

"Tell her I'll be down in a moment." I said and he winked at me before exiting my room. I liked spending time with Eloise. She never expected much from me, in fact, she never expected anything from me. She knew that I couldn't express emotions in the way that other people could and that I couldn't express excitement. She was okay with that and that was why I loved her so dearly. At the end of the day, I was still as reliable as a true friend should be.

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"Are you excited for your birthday tomorrow?" She asked me as we strolled through the park outside of her house. I rolled my eyes at her and she laughed. I couldn't believe that she just asked me that question. There was nothing I hated more than my birthday. It was exhausting having to act excited for all the things people did for me. I appreciated the gifts and I appreciated the love, but it was impossible for me to show excitement. She knew this.

"I'd rather die." I said. The only true gift I really wanted was for things to feel real. Was for my life to feel like my life. What I wanted was to feel like I belonged amongst humanity. What I wanted was to feel like I was a human being and not to feel like I didn't know who I was when I stared at myself in the mirror. That was all I wanted, but I realized now that it was just way too much to ask for. I realized that no matter how many times I fell to my knees - begging God - to make it better, it wouldn't happen and I had no other choice, but to accept it and carry on with my empty life.