Judgement Day

I clearly have been MISUNDERSTOOD! Say look out! Let me clear the air here today, right now, at this moment in time. Yes that's right, Oh you aren't listening!! I stand here today completely lost for words that could explain to you the thoughts i have running in my head. However i am almost certain; I have been completely misunderstood! I am sorry y'all don't get me, i am simple as can be.vl! I do me and y'all do y'all that's it nothing else..... Oh wait there is something i am forgetting...... And that's Leave the puppy out of it. Now I figured you already knew that one but let's leave no rock unturned... shall we... We have gathered here before entrance of those pearly gates just in time ..... For today is my Judgement day, and I am here to share with you just how I was wronged from the beginning to the end. Yeah that's right I was completely misunderstood with no chance to explain .... I was only trying to find the point where I was able to sit back crack a few jokes and enjoy the best years of those miracles I was blessed with all those years ago..... Let's jump right in! wanna? Chapter 1 I believe it was a Thursday back in 1981 February 19, to be exact. My mother knew it was too soon. but she wasn't new at this, it was too early but time was upon her and she needed to get to the hospital because that baby that has been growing only six months in her tummy was waiting no longer. That's right I was coming out ready or not... 1 pound 14 ounces only 12& a quarter inches long .... Mom said I was so tiny they wouldn't let her hold me unless she put her hands in these gloves made on the side of my bed. That was really hard on her I know from my own experience not being able to hold your baby close and do all you could to protect her is a hard reality however the Dr. Is only doing all he has been trained to help you have a long time to hold that baby tightly protect her and also enjoying her.... So we do as they ask and allow them to help our little miracles grow and get strong so we can eventually take them home with us. My mom waited three long months for that day... The day I was able to leave the hospital weighing just over 3 pounds but I was ready ... Momma on the other hand. Come on y'all you know she was a natural. But she was worried about me falling out of my bed or a car seat. I was too tiny to really fight anything. She had to hand make all my clothes and cloth diapers because they just didn't make them small enough in the store..... She was brilliant for really finding a way around any hurtle she faced .... Just like putting me in my bed but knowing the bars were too far apart for a baby my size so she decided to take my aunt's six x shoes box and place me inside of it before placing me in my bed. Genius I know. I tell you one thing for sure, our mighty creature could have never in a million years chosen a better Mom and Dad for..... I am hands down certain I had the best available ever. As years went on and I got older I watched the two of them make being parents in this ever evaluating world a breeze. I used to think they were indestructible. Chapter 2 The key world used to think. Up until I was nine and made the worst discovery I ever heard of. Now in the past years once school was out for the summer mom and dad would load us in the car and we would drive for what I thought was forever. All the way to Louisiana where we spent three days with my 2 brothers and 2 sisters over there. Then daddy would drive to Bangs Tx and drop me and my brothers off with our Nanny(momma's grandma); who lived on a big ranch with lots of cattle and horses and a river in which we would swim everyday. We spent the whole month out June with nanny playing and having fun learning to care for the horses and everything. However once the fourth of July weekend arrived then nanny would take us to Brownwood lake to our family reunion where we would meet up with our grandma ( Momma Rose is what we called her) and after a week of family games and catching up Momma Rose would take us to her house in Gatesville. We would spend about a week preparing things for our campout week at owl Creek. Knowing at the end of that week Mom would arrive just in time for Aunt Wanda 's birthday and then we would head home eager to start a new year at school. However the summer I was nine ; We started that summer off differently than any before, excited to take our first family trip to the northern country.... I say family trip however we were short one member of our family.... Dad, he stayed home to work and maintain our family pets while Mom drove us kids to see her dad, our grandpa whom we had only met a few months before. We drove something like 27 hours total all the way from the Texas panhandle to the little bitty town of Gresham, Or where my papa resided. Upon our arrival we meet Mom's other three siblings whom she never met and their families as well. We spent two weeks adventuring the state of Organ and seeing the Pacific Ocean. As the two weeks came to an end, my Papa had gotten sick and had to stay in the hospital. However we were assured he would be ok and we shouldn't wait around we had a long drive back home so us kids could get prepared to start school once again. So as planned we got back into Mom's station wagon and headed home.... About four hours into the trip we started having car issues and it kept overheating. Being so stressed over the car mom and my oldest sister kept switching drivers.... Hoping to allow the car time to cool off every time we stop. During one pitstop we discovered my sister had lost her wallet which had every bit of the money we had to our name. Mom called home to get Dad to send us some money when she learned that her dad had taken a turn for the worst and we were to go back to Organ. Turning around gave us the opportunity to find my sister's wallet however. Yeah that's right... Pitch black in the middle of the night my mom saw something laying on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and said hey guess what I think that's Trina's wallet. As she turned around and went back to what she saw everyone was glued to the window trying to see if she was right. And sure enough, Trina's wallet had fallen off the top of the car and busted all over the side of the road. We spent about an hour using the headlights on the car and walking about three miles of road side picking up every piece of her wallet we could find. In the end we discovered we had found all but $2 of her wallet. We even found the speeding ticket she had received from a drunk cop on our way from the ocean three or four days before. So we were ready at this point everyone climbed into the station wagon in our signed seating so that we would all have enough room to lay down and sleep while Mom and Trina continue to drive back to Gresham. About Two hours away the car had had enough of this interest driving up one steep hill and down another it decided to stay extremely hot causing us to stop even more often to put water into it. However we were in the middle of nowhere and the only source of water was the nearby ocean. We had no cups or buckets so Mom told us to take our shirts off and soak the water up in them and she would ring them out into the car.... We all thought that was funny but it worked just as she said it would. And soon we were back in the car for only a short time however we were completely stuck forcing us to call Mom's new sister and her husband to come rescue us. They arrived with sad news on their shoulders for we were just a little too late and Papa had already gone on to heaven and we weren't able to say goodbye. We cried for missing our chance of course however we had an extremely exhausting past six or seven hours trying so hard to make our return we just wanted it to be over. Seeing that upon our faces my aunt and her husband called for a tow truck and gathered us all in their car taking us back to their house where we decided to sleep a good eight hours before deciding our next step. Chapter 3 I must have fallen asleep in the car because upon opening my eyes I started to cry unsure just where I was at. My aunt Linda heard me and came into the room asking, What's wrong baby? I wiped my eyes and said I miss my daddy and my cat Bandit and where is my mom? She replied well your mom is in the kitchen with Aunt Veronica and I am sure your daddy and bandit miss you too. That's why we are trying to figure out the best way to get you back home sweetie. But I bet you would feel better once you got some cereal how does that sound? With the biggest smile I had to give I said "yeah I love cereal!" As I jumped out of bed grabbing my baby doll and ran towards the kitchen. Well good morning sleeping beauty. My aunt Veronica said once I got to the kitchen. I told her good morning and ran and jumped in Mom's lap. What time did you wake up I asked. Early we were making some calls and getting everything set for you the boys and Trina to catch the bus tonight at 7. It will be a long bus ride home though. You're looking at a four day trip. But I need you to help Trina with Brandon and be on your best behavior ok. Four days momma I'm going to miss the first day of junior high. Mom assured me I would make it in time for the first day but she wasn't going to be home until the second day so I would have to get up and get ready on my own. Daddy will wake you up and then head to work so you have to watch the time and don't miss the bus ok? Ok but can I have some cereal now. Sure I will get it for. Four long days on the bus was hard especially for my sister who had to keep up with the four of us younger ones. However we all made it home in one piece and at the same time so I have to say it was a success. When we got home I noticed daddy was asleep on the couch. I could tell he wasn't feeling well and had been sick for a while. His color wasn't right and he was burning up with a fever. I told Mom I was worried about him when she called that night. She said she would handle everything when she got home for me not to worry and be sure to enjoy my first day of junior high and she would be home after school on my second day. I told her I loved and missed her and hung up the phone. The next morning the three of us got up and got on the bus for our first day of school. Determined to get good grades and set the bar high for my years in junior high I entered the biggest school I had ever been to before with a smile on my face trying to hide the fear that had settled in my stomach making me want to throw up. Thankfully the first day was quickly over and I went back home to check on my dad. He was still asleep on the couch. I didn't know what was wrong but I knew it wasn't good. I ended up sleeping on the floor next to him that night worried he might need something and I didn't want him to have to stress about getting it. After school the next day I returned home to find daddy gone. Uncertain of where he was I walked down the street to my sister's house and asked her. She said mom had made it back and took daddy to the Dr. I went home and waited for them to come back however I had fallen asleep in Daddy's chair and when Mom got home she tucked me in bed. The next morning she woke me up for school and told me daddy was still in the hospital, the Dr was running a bunch of tests to find out what was wrong. Hopefully they will know more when I get home. So all day in school I tried to focus but kept worrying about daddy. I even found myself crying during class when the teacher asked me if I was ok, I told her about daddy being sick. Sicker than I had ever seen him before. She told me she would keep him in her prayers and that I should do my best to focus and try to keep my mind on school so that I can wait to find out the results when I get home. after dinner that night mom sat us all down in the living room. I sat on Daddy's lap while Mom began to explain what the Dr. Had said. Daddy is very sick as y'all know. The Dr. I believe he has cancer in his colon. Therefore he will be taking a lot of really strong medicine and may need surgery during which time he isn't going to feel up to working much less dealing with you kids just as he has in the past. So I am asking each of you to do your best not to fight with one other but help each other the best you can which in turn will be helpful for me and for daddy. I had to interrupt I couldn't wait any longer...... But is my daddy going to be ok? The Dr said the chances are good since we caught it so early. But it's going to take time before daddy is back to him old self. I just want him to feel better. I don't like him being sick. I gave daddy a big hug and took off to my room. After a few hours went by mom came into my room to see what I was doing. To her surprise I fell asleep at my desk where I had been doing my homework. I was exhausted because I had not really slept well all week worried about daddy. She carried me over to my bed and tucked me in ...... Is daddy going to die like Papa? I asked her half a sleep... Now it's way too soon to worry about that hunny. We are all going to do my best to get daddy better sleep well hunny mommy has daddy now you don't have to worry. Ok I love you .... I love you too baby girl. She turned off my light and shut my door I cuddled with pasty(my baby doll) and went back to sleep. Chapter 4 It had been almost a year since daddy got sick and the Dr. Decided he needed surgery to remove 2/3 of his colon and all the cancer that was left after treatment. I don't remember what month he had his first surgery but I know it was after school had started once again. That morning we didn't go to school instead we went to the hospital with Mom and waited in the waiting room for about three hours when the Dr. Came out and told my mom the surgery was a success and daddy would be cancer free. I asked the Dr. Was my daddy all better and he told me " we got it all and your daddy is going to be around for a long time to come. I bet he will be around to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day" I jumped with joy and began to sing and dance around the waiting room for I was so happy to hear my daddy wasn't going to die. However it was only eight short months later when I was standing in that very same waiting room listening to that very same Dr. Tell my mom, I am sorry we have done the best we could but in order to remove all the cancer it would kill him instantly. It is now wrapped around his tail bone and growing up his spin. The only thing we can do now is more kemo and radiation in hopes it will shrink. I couldn't hold it any longer I started shouting at the Dr. You're a liar you're a liar you're a liar. Over and over and over until my mom picked me up and carried me to the elevator to take me outside. Calm down hunny I need you to calm down.... I tried but I couldn't breathe. My stomach hurts so bad and all I could do is cry harder and harder. He said daddy was going to be ok.... He said daddy was going to live a long time...... He said, I kept on and on repeat everything the Dr. Had told me over the last 18 months and cried so hard I thought I was going to pass out. Finally outside Mom told me to walk around the front area and try to calm down because we had to be strong for daddy if we wanted him to get better. Once I had calmed down I told her I was sorry and she said she understood. Then we went back upstairs to Daddy's room where they had just brought him back from surgery.... He asked if the Dr. Had told us and I began to cry again this time quietly as I curled into a ball in the chair further away from him than anyone else. Mom told him yes and said that does not mean we are giving up. We keep fighting JW we keep fighting. He nodded his head and wiped his eyes as he said I am tired and just need a nap. Ok well we are going to head to the house and I will be back later mom said. Baby girl! Daddy said I love you ...... I love you daddy and I ran off to the car. The following two years were filled with Dr visits surgery and kemo treatments none of which were working. Finally January of 1994 the Dr told my mom they could do no more for him it was simply spreading over his entire body and we would be lucky if he lived another six months. Upon receiving that news my dad asked mom if she thought moving down to Gatesville and seeing the Drs at Scott and white would be better. She agreed and within a month's time we moved to Gatesville. Within two weeks we were standing in the Dr. Office hearing the same news as before. There was nothing more they could do for him the cancer had already spread too far. Six months was all we could hope for before daddy would go to heaven. Daddy asked Mom to take him to Louisiana where he could spend the rest of his time with all of his kids and so a week later we moved to Louisiana. We were there two weeks when the day received his call home to heaven on March 28 1994, which became the most hated day I could ever have lived through. I was only 13 years old. I didn't understand what I could have possibly done to cause God to take my daddy away from me. He was everything to me. He was my rock, my protector, in my eyes my daddy walked on water. There would never be anyone that could compare. Chapter 5 I totally understand we all are born for a purpose and we only live to die. However why is it that I had to lose my dad before I even was old enough to experience life. As well as losing my mom at 36 years. Yeah that's right I was totally orphaned in this overwhelming heartbreak hotel of a world at just 36 years old. Sounds funny right. Well walk a mile down my road with no grandparents, no parents. They all had been called upon by the stars leaving me alone without any guidance.... No one to lean on during the difficult roller coast I was forced to endure. There are so many that are able to keep their security blankets well off into their 50th or 60th. Why did I have to lose mine so early in life. Rest and sure it wasn't cause I had an easier road to travel, oh no I promise that. Not saying one's road couldn't have been hard or even harder than the path I had, that's for real. I am just saying I wasn't on an easy roll either. On top of losing my knight in shinning armer and my best friend I faced one of the most difficult times in life as a parent. Having to come to terms with the fact that my son wasn't going to get the chance to become an extraordinary character much less have the opportunity to breathe on his own, walk crawl run play nothing...... That is unbelievable. I walk these streets and I think of all the things he was unable to experience and I weep not for the fact that he is gone not the fact that I miss him soooooo much I can't barely breathe. No I weep for the lost chance this world has to endure because I know he would have been outstanding. I know that not only did I miss the chance to show this world how badass I could be at raising twins. This world missed out on knowing my shining star, John Tyler, that is for real. I was only 16 years old when I was forced to make the hardest call a parent ever has to make. 16!!!!!!! Yeah my fault for getting pregnant at 16 but come on I am not the only female that f****d up from time to time...... But only 3 short years after I lost my knight I lost my star. So I assure you I did not cut any slack my tow rope was definitely stretched beyond its limits before I even hit adulthood. Chapter 6 Now I am not going to stand here and lay every little detail of the years that came and gone after that. I am certain y'all are starting to get the picture anyhow. So let's just skip a few years of drug out drama. I like to call those the blah blah blah oh s**t thank goodness that's over years. For those of you still trying to figure out what I mean, life has many challenges just hang on tight to your helmet and crayons and we will jump over the years I was married to satin himself. So let's see........ Getting married had my pride and joy. My amazing son Tyler. Figured out quickly I wasn't cut out for a no MoMA skirt holding can't do s**t on his own boy. Jumped out that marriage making a clean break with minimum damage. Hit my head on the short bus somewhere along the way however married satin was stuck there in hell for 12 years. Fortunately I found one of those watchmen that would play temptation tricks on you and showed statin just who he was married to. Escaping hell to join the rest of y'all wondering souls here in paradise. ........ It took some years to find my way doing all I could to help my kids through the aftermath of satin and showing them they still have every bit of internal success they were born with. They would just have a better chance to amazing this world now we were free to wander these streets, I call them the street in paradise of hell. Now I know there are many that don't believe in heaven or hell. And I am not in any way trying to throw religion in your face. Let me explain...... Hang on hang on. Pick the book back up man... This is my story and you should at least give me a chance to explain.....dang!!!!! Chapter 7 Thank you! I am sure you will love it! Now like I was saying. I call life in which we live day to day struggle to get by. Year after year I lost without understanding the paradise of hell..... I don't mean the literal street in which we traveled upon through our time in this mighty fine planet we were somehow magically put on to grow and learn the lessons in which who ever choose for us to learn through the years we classified ourselves alive. No I mean the battles in which we go through in order to learn whatever life lesson you were chosen to learn. I am not sure if we are forced to master a certain number of lessons through our life or if randomly we are chosen to learn one. However I can think of probably five I struggled with throughout my life .... Five really hard big lessons .... I mean sure there were many that were simple stupid stuff that I didn't blink an eye at... Heck probably for everyone I know about there were thousands I didn't even think about. However there are five I personally would consider to be the most defining time in my life 1) no matter how old you are you never stop needing your parents. 2) honor, respect and cherish your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, children and yourself. Don't forget about yourself so many of us do 3) just because you can doesn't mean you should. 4) work hard play harder and enjoy life 5) never accepted failure.... You never know if you don't try. We will get further into details of those later just hold on to your pants.... I believe it's time for me to shut the heck up and allow a break.......... Intermission Time!!!!!!!!!!!! Want more?!!!! These streets! We entered this world with no instructions Growing fast and running wild, Until we find our selfs lost and wondering the streets. The street in Paradise of hell! We must work hard and stay focused while battling the demons within us. Never allowing others to distract us while wondering these streets. These streets here in Pardise of hell! we wonder through this time we are blessed with here learning and fighting.. Without a clear guidance in which path we are sure to take, we do the best we can with little to no knowledge of the wars ahead .. Day after day, night after night we steadily wonder through these unpaved streets... These streets here in Paradise of Hell. We all are hoping to to gain the strength needed to redeem our souls so we may enter the Golden Gates of heaven before we are banished and sent to burn down below these streets. The streets in Pardise of hell! Judgement Day Say look out !!!! Listen to me please! I honestly believe you are misunderstanding me. This is totally not my fault, I was left unattended way to long, ! oh yeah I can't wait till I get my chance to explain! I'm going to give the longest testimony ever told, that's for sure. Why? Well don't you get it, l It will be my Judgement Day, that's when I get a full 24 hours to explain, just how wronged I was done from the beginning to the end!!!