Papercut

UNANSWERED

You might think this is overly dramatic, so let me tell you a little bit about our relationship. She and I met online, which isn't the best place to meet and trust someone. So we're in the same online community, and I happened to come across one of her poetry posts, which piqued my interest because I, too, have written poems and short literary pieces.

I'm not sure why, but I felt so at ease talking to her. I enjoy teasing her until she gets angry at me for being so silly, but by the end of the day, we just laugh it off. I'd always be there to listen to her rants about her day, to ask how her day went, and before I knew it, I'd grown quite attached to this person.

Even so, I couldn't bring myself to confess to her because I knew someone was interested in her and was courting her. I didn't want to interfere with their relationship, so I avoided discussing any personal matters. I kept my emotions to myself, and even though there were long gaps in our communication that sometimes lasted months, I was soothed whenever I saw that she had left me a message.

Then one day she confessed, but it didn't end well. We avoided each other because she assumed the feeling wasn't mutual. She told me she and the other guy had nothing special going on. She stated that she had not agreed to be courted by him. Even though I was this secretive person, I made her feel special even though we only met online. Stupid me. I was afraid at the time. I thought she and that guy should've been the end game. That's why I also kept my distance. But damn, I'm in love, and I miss her so much. And yes, ya’ boy finally confessed that one night in September. I bawled my eyes out and that’s when I knew that I am deeply in love with this person, I want her in my life! So, we began dating... online.

I was very happy, but the period in my life when depression and anxiety joined forces caught up with me. I'd always think about how I interfered with what they had and how I didn't deserve her. Existential crisis and family issues would spoil my day. I tend to overthink small matters as well. Small fights would last for days, but I knew I couldn't let her go because I loved her so much and I’m just so messed up right now. But these arguments were gradually driving her away, so I mustered all my courage and opened up to her. I tried to make things better now that I could be more vocal to avoid misunderstandings. She became my human diary, and what I feared happened: she went silent and kept all of her problems to herself. Maybe telling her everything was toxic. It was too late for me to change because she had grown distant. Every time we were together, I felt as if I wasn't worth her time. I never said anything, but I did notice it.

“Are you okay? Can I help you with anything? You know that I’m all ears when it comes to you, right?”

“Nah, I’m fine.”

She became a totally different person.

And now it scares me how people just casually walk out of my life and act as if I never existed. I try to shake off the anxiety whenever those experiences come back to haunt me, but it was never easy.

I do ask myself if I am the problem, but when I try to talk it out to those people, they apologize to me instead. So that’s why I am still clueless about why they turn their backs on me. Though I wanted to know the reason so I could change myself for the better, what they say does not apply to me at all. It was either because they would change schools or would live in a different city far from their current place.

The same thing happened to my ex-girlfriend. Maybe we'll just call her "X" or you can also think of a name that you like. All good? So to continue the story, I only received a lot of the word “sorry” from her, but I never got any explanation other than cold treatment. And it was hard to face the reality of having someone you love walk away from a story you both created. Like a supposed to be masterpiece that turned out to be a draft. I was never ready for an ending and I didn’t even want it to be that way. But we broke up— and I still don’t have the answer to “why?”

That day, when X told me to end what we had, she offered to be friends instead, but I was in so much pain so I refused. But I couldn’t get myself not to talk to her and I was still hoping that we would get back together, so I messaged her saying it’s alright to be friends.

“Okay, let’s be friends. :)”

But I guess it was really meant for me to be alone. I was destined to be in the darkness. That is because, after a couple of days, she also ignored me. No explanations. No goodbye. Yup. I feel like pathetic trash. I feel like I’ve been dumped for the second time. Still, I couldn’t even get myself to be mad at her. I’m even worried.

I could only blame myself for why she left me. I always think that maybe she has a good reason but she’s having a hard time saying it. I COULD ONLY THINK, BUT I WON’T BE GETTING ANY VALIDATION. It was a harsh thing to do, but I had no other choice but to doubt myself, even though I wouldn’t know if I was right or wrong because I would always be at fault in my eyes, that way I wouldn’t get angry at anyone but myself.

I get it. Silence could also be an answer. That’s why I also responded in the same manner. Though if I could be honest to myself, yes — I am still waiting for her.

To wait for someone who has already cut their ties with you is a nightmare. Imagine you are at a bus stop but are waiting for a train to stop in front of you. It will never come but because, like me, a pathetic loser, I am still waiting for one. I have little hope but it ignites like one hell of a fire, right?

Sometimes I ask myself questions like “This heart is supposed to be for me, but why does it seem that every beat is for you? How can something in me be alive and broken at the same time? How much more can love be cruel and painful but still everlasting?”