His angel and her haven

“She dreamed impossible dreams. Followed her heart & created her own little fairytale.” Well my mam got herself yet another new boyfriend, last week. She was happy once, yet I don’t remember that clearly. If I am being honest I don’t remember most of my childhood. I am due to move to live with my dad. Even through I don’t think that it is any better as he has a whole new life, wife and children. And I don’t want to ruin all of that for him. Even though I don’t remember him that well that if at all. I have to move in with my dad because of the old lady next door to me and mam. She called child services on my mam due to strange activity. I won’t get in to it that much. I really don’t want to leave my mam ‘cause who will look after her, but also I am relived that I won’t have to look after her anymore as it’s not my job. Just can’t help the slice of guilt that fills my stomach when I think that. Also my dad moved to America after the divorce, which is now about 11-12 years ago when my older brother was 10 and I was only 5 , so that’s just great. Moving nearly across the world to live with a stranger who is supposed to be my dad and someone that I remember but I don’t. I have an older brother but I have not seen him since he ran away when he was 18 and I was 11 or 12. I don’t know where he is or what he is doing or even if he is still alive. But what I do know is that I remember him from my childhood , memories of him and that I miss him so very much. As I love my brother dearly but a part of me hates him for leaving me here all alone. I really don’t like that part of me but I can’t help feeling it and feeding that feeling. ➿➿➿➿➿➿➿➿➿➿➿➿➿ Last day of being in hell, I mean my school ( St. Andrews academy) in England, because this time tomorrow I’ll be in an airport. All alone and not really wanting to go. I don’t have any friends at school, I am the quiet, shy, weird kid normally sat at the back of the classroom in the class. I mean I did have friends, the populars, but they don’t talk to me anymore or acknowledge my existence, also including my best friend who people made fun of us because we where a boy and girl and we where friends. He left me to go with the popular boys at the age of 6 and started going out and hanging out with one of the popular girls, the sporty one. Also she use to be one of my close friends. Anyway they don’t matter anymore, I am having a fresh new start a new me. I need to forget them as they have forgotten me and erased all of our memories together so I guess I can and will do that same. I need to stop dwelling on the past as it can’t be changed or altered. Finally I reached an old rotten wood door with red paint flaking off and rusted numbers drilled in to its right side 4.008a. Our flat number, as we are on the fourth floor and in the ‘a’ section and are the eighth flat. The flat is old, small and dirty. This is one of the only times that I am happy I don’t have friends, as this flat is embarrassing to have to claim to live here should be a sin. “ hi mam!” “ hello honey” she said with her words slurred drunkenly in her mouth, as always. A sigh left my lips before saying plain and full of disappointment tones, “ I am going to go pack now.” “Why will you be packing?” She sat up straight on the sofa , her big brown doe eyes staring at me with worry. “ because, I have to move in with dad.” I said straight to her a hint of annoyance in my tone. “ no! Please you can’t go! You’re my little girl, my baby!” She stood up but had to immediately need to grab my arm for support. With water pooling her eyes. Tears began to prick me eyes at seeing my mam in this state and not really wanting to go. I just started to head to my room feeling my mam’s grip weakened and … BANG! … I turned around and saw her laying there on the ground, scarily I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel bad or upset for my mam. And that scared the living daylights out of me. “Mam!” I swiftly helped her up to the sofa and got a tissue for her bleeding nose. Soon she fell asleep. I put a worn out blanket over her skinny fragile body, made sure she was really asleep unlike last time. Once I was convinced she was truly asleep and not going to leave to go anywhere. I crept away into my small box room, passing my brothers old room. I stood outside it for awhile debating weather or not to go in. I slowly rises my hand to the door handle but turned around and opened my bedroom door instead. I pulled my green suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and put it on to my bed, which has bright pink bedding on from when I was little. A smile spreed on my face, I am going to miss it here all the memories good and bad. It’s my home, the only place I know through all that’s going to change now. This small little flat stubbornly has a hold on my heart. I grabbed everything from my wardrobe, which is not much just a pair of black jeans and black leggings, some tops long and short sleeved. I put aside my light blue ripped jeans and my favourite over sized grey hoodie, which is my brothers. He left it here when he disappeared, my mam destroyed his room when she found out he has ran away at 18. Saying he was just like his dad. And she started to burn and bin his things. I was only 11 or 12 but I managed to save this hoodie though from saving it I ended up getting a black eye from my mam, but I know she didn’t mean it and she did say that she was sorry after mainly because I stoped talking to her or acknowledging her at all, but the apology did come after many drinks and some verbal a***e as then she staring crying and say how horrible of a mother she was I just left her alone to have her pity party in peace. But that’s all behind us now. As she has not really hit me since, there has been a whack on the back of the head or some not nice describing words through at me from her mouth but she always apologised sometime after going back into her rant of how bad a mother she is. The main thing I don’t like that she does is non of those things but that she sometimes has some men other and most of the time their are not nice men. But those are stories for another time, I won’t get into them now. The hoodie still smells like him . And for shoes I only have some pink trainers that are 5 years old and my school shoes black ballet pumps shoes that you just slip on and they have a buckle around the ankles. I am currently still wearing my school uniform which is made up of a black pleated skirt , a white short sleeved shirt, a purple gold and black striped tie, a black cardigan, black blazer with the school crest on it and my black tights. I am going to take the skirt , cardigan, the shoes and tights. As I won’t be needing the rest of my school uniform anymore. Yesterday, I packed everything else in to my hand luggage the bag being my back pack that i use for school ,which I have had for like 6-7 years, and my old green 8-10 year old suitcase all ready at my bedroom door. Exhaustedly, I crawl into my small pink bed for the last time and let my dreams take me and my body away to my little safe haven.