mark of redemption

The friend I needed

Of all the emotions I felt in that moment, the strongest had to be confusion. This is exactly what I wanted. she embraced me, hugging me tight. I went numb for a moment until she asks "what movie are we gonna watch?"

Moving to Arizona when I was nineteen was difficult. I had grown close to my nephew Chris in Michigan. Billy was his step dad. He was like my little brother; only two years younger than I. Leaving him was not easy, he was my only friend.

I started working at a fast food place as a cashier when I moved to Arizona, living with my mom and little sister. At night I would often cry myself to sleep over the youth I never had, and how I was so lonely.

One day I met a girl online and we became friends. She lived several hours away. It wasn't long before we talked everyday, and within a month we were spending every moment besides work together over the phone.

One day her and I were watching a movie together over the phone, we would rent the same movie and push play at the same time. enabling us to watch a movie together, without actually being together.

After the movie ended, we talked for a bit like usual. she was getting tired so I decided to end our night together. we said our goodbyes and I told her goodnight, but as I go to hang up I say three words that I didn't mean to say... "I love you"

The moment the phone touched the receiver, I realized the mistake I had made. I felt like I had ruined a good friendship, and I possibly pushed away the only person I had to talk to. I laid there that night unable to sleep for hours.

The next day, when I got off work, she called just like every other day. I was nervous answering her call for the first time ever. She asked me how my day at work was, after talking to her for about five minutes I'd come to the conclusion that she hadn't heard me tell her I love her. I was so relieved.

Several hours later, as it's getting late; and I hadn't slept much the previous night, I tell her I'm getting sleepy. She sighed a disappointed sigh and said "ok, goodnight. I love you"

I froze. my brain literally stopped functioning. Dead silence flooded the phone line for what felt like an eternity. She asks "Do you love me?" My brain started working again but my lips refused. I didn't know what to say. I did love her, she was my only friend and I would have been devastated to lose her friendship.

"I think I love you, but I've never actually met you" I said hesitantly. "We should change that." she said without hesitation.

I didn't know what to think because she seemed too good to be true. At this point I had only seen pictures of her, and most were old pictures from her childhood. The most recent photo was at her cousins wedding where she wore a traditional Navajo celebration gown. It was grainy and left quite a bit to the imagination.

I decided that I didn't care about her physical appearance and soon we had arranged for her to come stay with me. I was living with my mom and my sister still, but was now paying half of rent and bills. I had convinced my mom by explaining she intended to pay a quarter of rent and bills, reducing her own financial obligations.

The night she arrived I was nervous waiting for her outside. she pulled into the driveway and I stood and walked to the drivers door. I honestly had a panic attack when I first saw her.. I didn't know what to expect, but this wasn't it. She looked like a man. I almost didn't think it was her at first, but when she spoke; it was the same kind and compassionate voice I'd spent hours a day listening to for several months.

Of all the emotions I felt in that moment, the strongest had to be confusion. This is exactly what I wanted. she embraced me, hugging me tight. I went numb for a moment until she asks "what movie are we gonna watch?"

We fell asleep that night together in my bed watching one of her anime movies. I don't remember anything else from that night other than discomfort, and disappointment.