mark of redemption

Not a real man

After Renna, Chris tried really hard to help me get over her. He encouraged me to pursue others but I wasn't ready. Eventually he talked me into asking a girl I knew on myspace out on a date. We went out to eat and I asked her to come watch a movie with Chris and I. She agreed. After the movie ended, she asked if she could stay the night. She said she was too tired to drive home, I offered her my bed and said I'd sleep on the couch. she refused and convinced me to lay with her.

I laid beside her with my hand on her shoulder. She kept shuffling closer to me. I knew why, but I didn't have the confidence to respond to her advances. As soon as I started to fall asleep, I felt her get up and leave. I was relieved, yet disappointed.

The following day I asked her via text why she left, she didn't respond. she ghosted me for a few days before replying "Stop texting me". Confused, I asked for an explanation. "I need a real man", she responded.

I didn't realize words could cut so deep. I still haven't recovered, little did I know these exact words would cut me again years later.

Shortly after, Chris had gone back to Arizona after his mother's health began to decline. At the same time my own mother's health began to decline more rapidly. I was alone.

I remember one day I had gone home from working a graveyard shift, I sat to talk with my mom. I opened up about how empty and lonely I had felt, and how I had been having suicidal thoughts. I cried there at the dining room table, spilling my guts out. she told me I needed to be a man and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I went to my bedroom and swallowed every sleeping pill I had, plus about fifteen of my mom's davaset pain killers in a failed attempt of suicide. I went to bed content with the fact I would never wake up again. It's sad to say this now but, my mom was the most supportive person in my life..

After that day i became cold, and distanced myself from everyone. I quit smoking weed and replaced it with an easier to obtain synthetic called "spice" I stopped talking to my mom unless it was necessary.

I was thinking how even the nicest, least attractive girl id ever met; had broken my heart by cheating on me. I'm not man enough to date a dangerously obese girl who lives off of her parents. My mom doesn't give a s**t if I kill myself. The rest of my family gave up on me long ago, and the only person in the world who cares about me was occupied with his own problems on the other side of the country.

I couldn't even kill myself successfully. I was nothing, I was a nobody to everyone. I just wanted to feel loved. I went online in search for a friend, a lover or just anything to make me feel better about myself. I ended up in contact with a man named Dan.

He was in his forties, married with kids my age. He offered to take me to a bar, but I was under twenty one. So then he suggested we just meet up and talk. I agreed

After spilling my guts out to this stranger I had just met, he gave me oral. It's not something I was seeking, but I didn't stop him.

I went home feeling gross, I showered for over an hour. I Deleted his contact info, and blocked him.

It didn't make me feel better, it only made me feel about myself how the entire world felt about me- like I was not a real man.