15
886 Words
My cell phone vibrates and I see Mom’s picture appear on the screen. I think: Oh no, not her!
I press the Hang up key and it’s only a minute and forty seconds later that another sound announces the arrival of a voice message. Okay, it’s confirmed, whatever my gender, Mum is talkative. She always leaves me endless messages that I only listen to much later, always too late for her liking. I already know what she’ll say: My daughter, it’s Mom, she’ll say in this case there’s any doubt, you haven’t called me, so hey, I’m a little worried. I wonder why you didn’t come to see us yesterday and why you are slow to call me back. At the same time, it doesn’t matter. You must have a lot of work. Your father and I are fine. Your sister called us! She’s fine. Her pregnancy is going well. Do you remember, eh, that she’s pregnant? Um, um… Your other sister emailed me from New York and they are fine too. Okay, well, as usual, call me back when you can. I love you. Kisses. Your father says hello. Ah, and call back when you can! And not in a hundred and seventy years, please. Bye.
A bad conscience invades me. I decided to call her back right away. She won’t let go otherwise. I don’t even hear the first dial tone because she picks up so quickly:
“Hello, Julien, what’s going on? Why are you calling me?” she said, scared.
“Hello, Mom. Why these questions?”
“I’m so used to talking to your answering machine that I’m surprised that you call me back so quickly. Are you sure everything is fine?
“Yes, Mom. I saw you called. I preferred to call you back immediately. I told myself that…”
“Oh, that’s nice!” she cuts me off. “Didn’t you listen to the message, then?” she adds insightfully.
“Uh, no. You’re right. I called you straight back.”
“It doesn’t matter. I was just telling you that Filomena will come to your place tomorrow.”
“Filomena? Uh...”
“Well yes, the cleaning lady. She came to our house this morning and told me about your apartment.”
“Ah… And what’s wrong with my apartment?”
“Nothing… Make sure it’s tidy when she comes.”
I explode with laughter.
“Can you explain to me what a cleaning lady is for if I tidy up my apartment before she comes?”
“Mm, But... Okay, I’m going to tell you. She picked up things under your bed,” she whispers.
“What, is that all? If it’s because of a sock or underpants lost under my bed!”
“You get angry right away! We can’t tell you anything. Always on the defensive! You’re unbearable... You get carried away all the time...”
I momentarily move the phone away from my ear so as not to hear all of her derogatory and surely unfounded remarks. After a while, silence returned to the end of the phone:
“Julien?”
“…”
“Are you still there?”
“Is that it? Are you done, Mom? Did you get it all off your chest? Next time, I’ll wait until my voicemail is full to give you a sign of life!”
“Always complaining! Hope you heard everything I said. I’m ashamed of you, so please throw your condom wrappers in the trash. It’s the least you can do, Julien!”
“What? But of…”
“Thanks for calling. Have a good evening and be careful.”
She hung up on me before I could say anything. Pushpins!
I’m still in shock when Paul, handsome and sexy, pokes his head around my office.
“I’m going. Everyone’s gone, are you going to sleep here?”
“Uh, I don’t know… What time is it?”
“Quarter to eight.”
“Sorry?”
“Have you become deaf? Quarter to eight!”
“Damn, already! I didn’t see the afternoon go by. Wait for me I’m coming!”
“We said no more bad words, Julien! I’m sticking to it. You, on the other hand...”
“Sorry!” I said, picking up my things and turning off the computer.
“What will you do tonight?” he asks me.
“Uh, nothing. I’m going to tidy my room. The cleaning lady is coming tomorrow.”
“You kidding?” he said, laughing.
“Well no, it’s a new concept. If you want, my mom can explain it to you in detail, at length.”
On the way to the parking lot, Paul keeps laughing, a sincere and communicative laugh that makes me take this whole episode a lot better. After all, in my real life, Filomena doesn’t exist, I’m a woman and haven’t used a condom in months, so hey… What the hell have I to with it? You might as well laugh!
On that positive note, Paul and I say goodbye to each other with a friendly hug in front of his BMW and it’s at that exact moment that I realize I have a damn Audi parked right next to it. Sorry but sometimes it’s stronger than me.
- Writer
