Selfish

March 3

One of the biggest stressors I've had during my marriage with Jamws was money. For the past few years, he's been establishing his own business and clients. He's fantastic at what he does, but Covid hit his industry hard so there hasn't been a huge amount of money coming in and I've been our primary source of income at most times. And we've been very much living paycheck to paycheck. One bad month or big, unexpected expense was all it would take to sink us.

With me being pregnant, he decided it was time to look at something that would bring in more money. And he is going to make a ton of money with bonuses. We would have actually been doing well financially. It's been frustrating to me that this is also when he's decided to move out.

I was looking at my budget since I'll need a new car. I'm not going to be able to afford much. Definitely not anything that I've been looking at. I have so many bills and debt that I took out for our family that I need to be able to make payments on. And that's not even considering hospital and doctors bills for this pregnancy. Or what I'll do when the baby is here.

I'm f****d. I can't drive the kids around in this old car and I need to fix the upstairs so there's room for us all not I can't afford both. Or even one at the moment. What am I going to do?

I know that this is fully a me issue. Him leaving me and me feeling financially precarious isn't his fault. It's just a fun new bonus I hadn't expected.

I was feeling pretty positive this morning and now I'm back to wondering what I'm going to do.

12 pm

I miss him. He hasn't texted me today. I wonder if he's having a good time with her at work. I wish he would call me and tell me he missed me too. I wish he would ask me to do something with him and the kids this weekend. I wanted to just take the kids to the park myself Saturday morning but it's supposed to rain and be chilly so not ideal park weather. I guess I could do that Sunday? But the kids miss him a lot since he's never home and Sunday is their day to really see him. Ditching him to get out of the house with them feels selfish.

I'm sad. I feel stuck in this holding pattern but also like I need to be making plans to make sure I don't get screwed with this divorce.

130pm

What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable? I know I'm not the best person out there. I'm boring. I'm stubborn. I'm lazy. I'm selfish. I'm extremely resistant to change. I yell when I lose my temper. It's hard for me to see past my own opinions. I'm critical of religion.

If I was a color I would probably be a really bland grey. I guess I get why someone would want to find a different partner.

I feel so unsteady.

I texted Jamws to let him know I was sleeping in the bed tonight. My back has been hurting a lot today from the couch. I almost added that I didn't care where he slept but part of me does. I do feel it's unfair that he gets to keep sleeping in our bedroom and I'm relegated to the couch because of decisions he made. Part of my misses sleeping next to him and wants him there. Part of me is so hurt and angry that I don't want him anywhere near me. He's probably going to think I'm doing it to be spiteful since sleeping on the couch hurts his neck. And that's going to impact him working out.

I guess he can talk to Kaitlin and tell her how mean I am then. Making him sleep on the couch knowing that it will cause him pain. And he'll have more time to talk to her too since he won't be working out if he gets hurt. Great.

He didn't respond to my text. It was an hour ago so I don't really expect to hear back from him at this point.

5:45 pm

I don't know if I'm doing better or worse. Less crying than when I first found out for sure. But I also feel like I'm going crazy.

630pm

I did an egg cleanse. It's something I've been wanting to try but haven't made the time yet, not that it was a very long process to begin with.

930

Well he came home, friendly enough. Not that we said more than a few words to each other. But he didn't give me s**t about sleeping in the bed tonight. He did hide his phone, so probably some messages in there he didn't want me to see.

I don't know. I feel like a joke. I'm nothing to him all of a sudden. Absolutely nothing to him. Not worth texting back. Not worth asking how I am. Not worth anything. Worthless.

I can't focus on anything but this anymore. I want him to just talk to me and for everything to be ok again. I can't sleep. Or eat. I feel like I can barely breathe. He doesn't even care that this is killing me.

He's just out there, probably talking to her. And I'm in here, obsessive about the man who already told me he doesn't want me and he wants a divorce.

I'm crying again. Because he's out there, not the least bit interested in me, probably smiling to himself about some message from her. And he's not doing anything wrong at this point! We're done! He was apparently trying to tell me he wanted a divorce for so long and now he gets one.

I hope he has a terrible night's sleep on the couch.