Blue Hearts, Purple Roses

Chapter 3: Real Friends & Online Friends

There is no secret, no matter how big or little, that can be kept for a long time. Maybe the best liars can take it to their graves but I was far from being the best at it. I could not even lie to myself and believe it at the same time. Maybe it was just the pessimist in me who believed that nothing that I say would make any difference and the worst is yet to come. So why bother lying and delay the inevitable?

Seeing familiar faces through a screen felt a little bizarre, especially people whom I spent everyday with until yesterday. Cedric’s face was a little sullen. And even with his attempt to mask it with his eyeglasses that he barely wears anymore, it was his thin lips that was pressed tightly into a firm line that told me of whatever he was truly feeling. Meanwhile, Allen seemed a bit bothered to the point of spacing out. 

No one dared to speak until Harry rejoined the group with a rather serious look on his face. 

“Hey, Late Daze,” Harry said, softly spoken. The circle around his eyes obviously grew a bit darker, becoming more visible once he brushed his strong fingers through his medium-length curly brown hair. His chocolate eyes gazed at his screen expectantly as he probably waited for us to speak up. 

But there was only silence. 

My eyes were on the moving numbers at the corner of the screen that indicated how long the call had been going on, which gave me the idea that the awkward silence lasted for almost two minutes...before someone decided to break the tensed atmosphere. If we were in the same room, the tension would have already suffocated me. 

Harry took a deep breath, an exasperated sigh followed. “I know that you just came from a crazy-scheduled tour and it was a whirlwind experience. But we need to talk about this now.” He paused for a moment and I could feel his eyes on my direction. He parted his lips as if to speak for more than one or two times, but he kept on hesitating as if the next words were a struggle to say out loud. 

And maybe it was. “We’re here to discuss the probability of Sin’s resignation as the band’s vocalist.” 

It did  not take a full second before the two guys got up from their seat, pushing their faces closer to their screens as if the mere action could get them through the wall of technology and into my room. Their voices turned into a string of inaudible mess, most of which I really could not understand. There were only bits and pieces, random words that I was able to recognize, but nothing else that helped me understand what they truly meant until they were finally out of breath. 

And there was another moment of silence but compared to the first one, it was heavier and more thick.

"Why, Sin?" Allen whined childishly. The frustration shadowed his face, making him look older and a little more fatigued, more than what he should be after the tour. And that was a difficult sight to see, especially since he was always the bubbly one among the three of us. “Did we do something wrong?” he asked, yet sounding more as if he was pleading. 

Harry sat back on his chair as he rubbed his temples, his eyes wandered anywhere but our faces which only meant he was trying to come up with a solution to the problem, but it was a problem that they knew nothing about. 

“You can have half of my pay,” Cedric firmly said which earned him a surprised look from both Allen and Harry. “You can have all of it for all I care. If that’s what your parents are so worried about, I’m willing to give my share.” He sighed deeply as if he was preparing for the next words that he was going to say. And maybe there was a bit of difficulty to say so. “If it would make you stay, I’ll do it.”

“I don’t need your share, Ced.” I shook my head, barely faking a believable smile that they could believe in. “That’s not what this is about.”

“Then what is this about?” he exclaimed. It was rare for Cedric to raise his voice since he was normally the calm and collected person among the three of us, but no one dared to cross him because they have always been afraid to hear him shout. Not after that one time that someone called Allen ‘dumb’ and Cedric went berserk that the other band, who was opening for us, never joined us for lunch again. “For f**k’s sake, tell us so we know why you’re thinking of leaving.” The last parts were spoken through gritted teeth and on the box right next to him, Allen was nodding along. 

“Do you not like the genre that we have now? Do you want to explore something else?” Allen added. “Because we can try something else. You can tell us what you want and we’ll work on it together because that’s what we do, Sin. We’re not like your parents or your siblings.” His lips curled into a frown, he moved closer to his camera. “We care about you and we care about the things that you like.” He smiled and I knew it was reserved for me because I could feel him wishing through that smile. 

Cedric, on the other hand, pressed his lips into line and let the silence linger for a second longer before he decided to speak, “Just tell us so we can fix it.” Uncharacteristically, he had desperation dripping on his tone. 

“Easy there, lads,” Harry warned as he cleared his throat as if it was enough to lighten his accent. “It’s not like that at all. Money and genre are not the problem at all in this case,” he explained, or attempted to anyway. 

“You knew about this?” Allen asked, voice tinged with betrayal that did not fade even in the next words. “How long have you known that she’s been thinking of leaving?” he asked, brows furrowed and teeth gritted. “Sin.” It was a softer tone, maybe a tad, but it also seemed sadder. “How long have you wanted to leave?”

“Guys,” I answered with a brittle voice. “I don’t need more pay and I like the sound that we have now. It’s evolving and I love it.” There was guilt nibbling on my stomach and weighing on my shoulder that I started to wonder why I kept it to myself. “The problem isn’t any of you or the band or money or sound. The problem is that it’s starting to wear me down a bit.” 

It was quite difficult to say the truth but I was also tired of weaving lies to conceal the dark reality, so I had to tell them a version of the truth. “And with my father breathing down my neck, I can’t stop thinking of running away to a place where no one knows me and start a new life.” There were so many things I wished to do in my life, things that may disappoint my family but would make me feel alive, and yet I was being forced to choose a life that was pre-made for who I should have become and not who I am. “I just want to go under the radar and live a low-key life. Maybe focus on writing. Is that too crazy?” 

“No,” Allen quietly answered. “But wasn’t this our dream? This is what we’ve been imagining for years and now we’re here.” He frowned, looking down.

Cedric nodded, knowing that with the way Allen looked, he was a few steps away from being completely emotional. “And now you want to walk away.” He paused for a while, probably still trying to calm himself down. “We just got here, Sin.”

“I know.” As much as I wanted to defend my decisions, there was no way that I could make them understand every bit of the truth. It was impossible to explain that it was not only for me but for their safety, too. 

Harry gave us a small smile, rubbing his hands together. “Alright, I have an idea.” His voice was gentle, almost as if he understood where I was coming from. But what I was sure of was that he knew how much we wanted to be on a bigger stage. “Let’s not decide for now. Obviously, Sin is still undecided so let’s not do anything rash, shall we?” 

No one spoke. We just nodded, giving the floor to Harry. 

“I’ll deal with all the press and the articles but I do think that maybe you guys should take a little break.” He put his hand up, knowing that we would react. “I’m not saying it would be a hiatus but a vacation. Take the rest of the year off and I’ll have them think that you’re working on something new. We can start with the ones we’ve banked up, is that okay?” He held up a finger. “Before you protest, think about it. It’s better than announcing a hiatus after a huge tour just when you’re starting.”

The thing with Harry was that he always looked after us, always had our best interest at heart. To think that he only came into our life when we were on the verge of giving up, he made sure to never give up when we are close to it. And it was an attitude that we could never take for granted. With the way he looked at us, how could we even refuse?

A series of agreement, though in low spirit, was mixed in mumbles and grunts. But it was the response that Harry was happy to hear. 

“And with that, let’s wrap this up. I’ll leave you kids to it while I start working on the announcement.” He had a bright smile on his lips, the camera was closer to his face as he bid us goodbye. “Now, recharge those creative juices and don’t forget to contact each other every now and then. Take care.” 

And just like that, we were left drowning in an awkward silence. It was bizarre having difficulty to talk to the guys. It was always so easy to approach them and open my thoughts to them but lately, I could not say the same. 

“Do you know what makes this so difficult, Sin?” Allen asked, his voice breaking a little at the end of it. “I don’t know what we’ll do with the band without you. We started with the three of us and I’ll kill just to have the three of us together until the end.” 

‘Together until the end’ sounded like some wishful thinking, that it sounded rather appealing. But maybe it was possible. 

“But if there’s nothing we can do to stop you, Sin, then we’ll have to look for a new vocalist. That’s going to take a lot of time and effort again.” Cedric let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his temples out of habit. 

Leaning forward, my eyes focused on how distressed they look at the moment. The happy faces that usually welcomed me after a stressful day were shadowed with gloom and frustration. And it did not help to know that I was the cause of that, my decision caused those looks on their faces. “Just give me a little time to settle things here and then I’ll tell you if I can come back.” I pressed my lips together, holding in the sigh that was begging to come out. “I didn’t know things would be this tense here at home. I’ll keep in touch, I promise.” 

The guys nodded, finally giving it a try to understand why I even thought of it. And if they knew me as much as I thought they would, they would realize that it was not the easiest thing for me to even think because it was our dream and it will always be a huge part of me. 

“We’re always here if you need us. Don’t ever forget that.”

And as the screen turned black and I was left on my own, I could not help but feel a little lighter than before the call started. May it be telling them a bit of the truth or finally getting time to think, without having to rush, I was relieved to have the rest of the year to decide. I think four months was going to be more than enough to convince my family and to finally find the right path for myself.

While the meeting did bring somewhat good news, the biggest adversary was still my family...and no one seemed to budge. And if I was going to give it another try, I needed caffeine.

Walking into the kitchen to prepare a steaming cup of coffee, there seemed to be no one around. But then there were soft whisperings coming from the side. It was not until I peeked through the small window by the sink that I saw everyone having a little bonding time in the garden.

Funny how I forgot a small family tradition. 

Sipping on my coffee, I watched them through the larger window by the door and they all had smiles on their faces. And I found it both funny and offensive because they never even smiled at me that way since I got back. Mother and Father happily talked away with Angelika and Stella while Jesse was enjoying listening to the conversation. 

No matter how many times I bumped heads with them, I always tried to understand where they were coming from. It was difficult to be objective, keeping myself from feeling wronged whenever I stepped into their shoes and wondered what they could have been feeling or thinking that prompted them to do or say what they did or said. But I never stopped trying. 

That bothered me to the core because they were supposed to understand me, too. I am their child, their sibling, their family, too. But why was it so impossible for them to take a moment and understand what I am feeling or thinking? 

After a while of being away from them, I came to terms that they would never understand me the way I do to them. And it was time for me to stop expecting anything from them. It was only then that I found myself detached and, in a way, free. 

Feeling quite emotional at the sight, I turned on my heels and walked back to my room. Even if I wanted to step in and bond with them, I was terrified to even speak to them because my gut reminded me that while my goal was to make them see me for who I am, their goal was to turn me into something I will never be.

And just as I was about to open the door of my bedroom, someone held me by the arm. “Ririn…”

I did not even have to turn to know who it was and I was hesitant to because her voice already told me that it was going to be a pity party, and I was not in the mood for one. “What is it?” I asked, trying to sound calm and accepting even if I wanted to just shrug off her hand and walk away. 

“Why didn’t you join us down there?” She pulled me a little to face her, her lips curled into a frown. “We would love to talk to you, you know.” She pressed her lips into a smile that I could easily recognize as fake, mainly because I know what the real one looks like. 

Shaking my head, I carefully released myself from her grip. “And what? Let all of you talk my ear off about joining the Legion? No thanks, Angelika.” 

“No, Ririn. We want to bond with you, too, especially since you’ve been gone for years.” She sighed, looking down before looking into my eyes again. “We’re still your family.”

“What family doesn’t understand one of them?” It was a question that had been in my mind for so long that it was good to finally say it out loud. 

And before she could even say another word, I headed inside my room and made sure it was locked tightly. There was a sound of a door opening and then a voice following. It was probably Margaux but I was not curious enough to check. 

The world outside was theirs and my room was my safe haven. Too many things have already happened since morning that I no longer had enough energy to deal with anything else. It was time for me to start with finding what was missing.

As I plopped on the bed and opened my laptop and the screen immediately showed the f*******: group that I joined in for aspiring writers like myself. It was the group where I met Hanjun, too, and it definitely helped me grow in different ways. They were always really kind whenever they gave me feedback for the lyrics or stories that I posted. And I did enjoy their works as well. 

Scrolling through the new posts, I made sure to leave praises and little bits of comments on some. But what really caught my eye was one of Hanjun’s post.

This city held me in its arms

Protected me from the cruelty on the outside

I love it and I’m proud to be from here

But I can’t say I don’t hate it too

My blood stains the trains and the waiting shed

This city witnessed my hardships and ignored it

But now that I’m on top it can recognize it all

-city of seoul

There was something about those words that felt raw and very much real. If those were lyrics with a good melody to accompany it, I would not hesitate to be the one to sing it. Thrilled with it, I decided to give him a little private message.

[Nesryn]: hey. saw that poem you posted. i can relate to it...somehow. i guess that’s why las vegas is so tiring. you know, you can turn those into lyrics. maybe put some good melody to it. haha. 

Sitting back, I smiled at the message. Seeing that he was offline, I decided to just continue to scroll through the recent posts. But then I felt a little excited when I saw the green dot next to his picture followed by the three dots that indicated that he was typing something. 

Leaning closer, I was anticipating what he had to say. Only for the screen to show me that he was calling, a video call at that.

Well, that was not what I was expecting. Not at all.